Work Text:
Untitled Dr Who
by strangerabbit
It was late at night in the foyer of the head office of Galactipol. A bored clerk was surfing the Metanet, looking, as every species does, for porn.
A bright flash blazed through the room to reveal Dalek Caan. He rolled up to the front counter.
"I WANT TO REPORT A CRIME."
The clerk minimized the screen on which two vegetable creatures were making a VERY different salad and bought up the appropriate form.
"Please state the nature of the crime."
"GENOCIDE, DESTRUCTION OF PUBLIC AND PRIVATE PROPERTY, DESTRUCTION OF PLANETARY SYSTEMS, INAPPROPIRATE USE OF HUMOR, POSSESSION OF AN UNREGISTERED SONIC DEVICE, IMPROPER INTERFERENCE WITH THE TIMELINE, ASSOCIATING WITH FEMALE PRIMATES UNDER THE AGE OF 21 WHILE BEING OVER THE AGE OF 900, AND TRAVELLING IN TIME AND SPACE WITHOUT A PASSPORT."
"Gender and species."
"MALE, TIME LORD."
"Current address."
"NO FIXED ABODE."
"Name."
"DOCTOR."
The clerk glanced up. "No, that's a qualification. I need his name."
"HE IS THE DOCTOR."
"Doctor who?"
"PRECISELY."
"What's his name."
"THAT IS HIS NAME."
"What?"
"THE DOCTOR."
The clerk groaned infrustration. "Look. the form needs a name. I've got a name. My wives have a name. The boss has a name. Have you got a name?"
"CAAN".
There, see? So all I need is the name of this doctor and every police organisation in a billion star sytems will be looking for him. So, what is it?"
"I DON'T KNOW."
"Well I can't help you then. If you can find out his name from his home planet..."
"THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE. WE DESTROYED IT."
"Did you have a demolition permit?"
"WE ARE THE DALEKS, WE NEED NO PERMIT."
"Everyone needs a permit." replied the clerk. "What did you say your species was?"
"I AM A DALEK."
"Dalek..." muttered the clerk, typing at his keyboard.
"IS THIIS GOING TO TAKE LONG? I'VE GOT A BUSY DAY PLANNED."
A glowing forcefield suddenly snapped on around Dalek Caan.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" A door slid open in the wall behind Caan and two enormours guard bots clanked out.
"I don't know about this Doctor, but you should see the size of the file we have on your species! Just hoping you could help us with our enquiries..."
"EXTERMINATE!!!" Dalek Caan's gun made a popping sound and a weak puff of green smoke wavered out of the barrel.
"Take him away, boys." said the clerk, going back to his monitor.
"YOU BASTAR.." yelled Dalek Caan as he vanished through the door.
end