Work Text:
A Day In The Life Of Captain Jack Harkness.
by strangerabbit
6.30am Wake up at home in bed next to the Ambassador of the Merellian Machine People. My kind of man – LOTS of energy where it counts...
(Great butt, too). Still, mustn't disturb him while he's recharging, and have to go to work. (sigh)
6.35am Have a shower.
6.37am Slip on the tiles in the shower, fall and break neck.
6.37-6.38am. Dead.
6.39am. Back again. (Note to self: non-slip surface for shower tiles)
7am Out the door and heading for the Hub.
7.30am Arrive at the Hub. Ianto is cleaning up after Myfwany; seems she scared the pizza delivery boy last night and scarfed up the dropped pizzas when he ran for it. Needless to say, four Supreme
pizzas do NOT agree with a Pteranodon's digestive system. Ianto says she's my pet and I should clean it up. I point out for the umpteenth time that I couldn't help it if she followed me home.
7.45am Check the news for anything strange. Not much. A gang of vigilantes is going around the country destroying police boxes, on the grounds that every time one turns up, more aliens attack Britain. The bees have vanished, leaving only a message: "So long, and thanks for all the flowers."
10.58am. Tosh picks up a disturbance in the Rift, looks like something coming through. Finally! We all jump into the black SUV with "Torchwood" written on the side and turn on the flashing blue blinkies. Gwen mutters something about secret organisations and subtlety but we all ignore her.
11.09am Trace the disturbance to the top floor of a high building in the Cardiff CBD. I stand on the edge looking out at the city while the team run around trying to locate the source of the disturbance.
11.12am The Rift bursts open and three angry velociraptors leap out and head for us with that look that says "I-haven't-had-a-meal-in-60-million-years".
Owen and Gwen empty their high-tech semi-autos into the first two and put them down. I empty my WW2 Webley into the third, which leaps on top of me and disembowels me with its toeclaw.
11.12-11.13am Dead.
11.14am Back again. (Note to self, trade in .38 Webley for .455 Webley.)
11.25am Head back to the Hub.
11.42am-2.45pm Wait around the Hub.
2.50pm Head down to the basement. Find Ianto working on his secret cybernetic implant, the one we don't tell the rest of the team about.
3.03pm-3.40pm Ianto and I test the implant and find it is working as per design.
(God he's got a great butt)
3.55pm. Head back upstairs. Discover that Gwen and Tosh have found the hidden bottle of Gormenian bloodfire whisky and are completely plastered, have half their clothes off and are exploring strange new worlds. (God, they've got great butts) I try to join in and they throw
pieces of equipment at me, unfortunately one of the pieces of equipment is a Morgian Brain Popper Bomb, and it hits me right in the face.
4.12pm-4.13pm Dead.
4.14pm Back again. (Note to self, secure alien artifacts more carefully.) Those two didn't even notice I was dead! Oh, that's why. Niiice…
4.18pm Not wanting another Brain Bomb, against my better judgement I head for the cells. Owen has the Weevil on a trolley and is cataloging its brain patterns. Suddenly the Weevil wakes up, breaks loose, knocks Owen against the wall and beats me to death with the trolley.
4.20-4.21pm, Dead.
4.22pm Back again. Help Owen to another trolley, he is muttering, "Note to self, increase anasthetic dosage with the Weevil".
4.25pm I run upstairs. The Weevil has got out of the Hub, by wrenching the lift off its mountings. Unfortunately, so has Myfwany, and unlike her previous outings it's broad daylight. I can hear faint shouting coming from up on Roald Dahl Plass. I turn around to get the team, and discover that Ianto has come back up from downstairs, seen what the ladies are up to and decided that now is the time to tell the rest of the team about his implant.
Looks to be working fine.
4.30pm I try to tell them about the escapees and the injured Owen, but Gwen grabs a Sontaran battle rifle one-handed from the weapons rack.
Thankfully, she DOESN'T shoot.
4.32pm I notice that Tosh's computer screen is indicating a major Rift disturbance. I race for the hidden high speed lift I used to get from the bottom of the Hub to the Plaza in three seconds when the Doctor's Tardis turned up that time.
4.33pm Arrive at the Plass. The Weevil is standing next to a group of Japanese tourists having its picture taken. Myfwany is being petted by a couple of children while an American in a Stetson declares that "We've got bigger buzzards that that in Texas!"
Okay, this is fine. I can handle this.
4.34pm The Rift bursts open in front of me and a fully grown Tyrannosaurus Rex leaps out and gulps me down like a long-distance lorry driver popping another no-doz.
4.34pm-4.35pm Dead. 4.36pm Back again. 4.36pm-4.37pm Dead. 4.38pm Back again. 4.38pm… (oh, you get the picture)
9.56pm. Finally get out of the blasted T-Rex. (Don't ask)
(Note to self, I need a SHOWER!)
10.02pm start walking back to the hub, following the Rex prints.
11.53pm get back to the Hub in time to see Myfwany and the Rex, with the Weevil riding on the Rex's back, vanish through the Rift.
11.58pm Shouting and screaming is coming from the hole left by the lift. Sounds like either the bloodfire whisky has worn off, or the implant needs more work.
11.59pm. Oh, forget it. I'm going home. I need a shower. I hope the Merellian Ambassador is recharged.
end