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Her Eyes
by Pirate Turner
They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, and they are not wrong. It is not the baby blues that have haunted so many of my nightmares in the past that I am gazing into now. Instead, it is the beautiful, vibrant soul of a warrioress that would do anything to fulfill her destiny, to protect her ungrateful people. It is a raging, red-hot fire filled with strength, courage, and unparalleled good.
But at the same time that I see all this, it is another set of eyes that I think of. A beautiful pair of almond brown eyes that I have seen sparkle with laughter and die with grief. Everything that I see in the Slayer's eyes I once saw in hers. I never thought I'd see eyes like hers again, but here they are, gazing up into mine.
Maybe that's why. I don't love Buffy. I never have, but for some reason, I can't ignore the strong feelings she evokes in my lower regions. They've clouded my judgment before but never like they have with the Slayer. I don't mean the words of love I've declared to her in the past, even this night; I never have. I care about her, but I can't make myself love her. I've wondered about my behavior and inability to turn away from her so many times, but maybe this is the true reason why I haven't been able to. She reminds me of Kyna too much, and she's the closest I'll ever again get to the real woman.
Speaking of Kyna, I would have thought she'd be here by now. She used to always be there when the world was in trouble, when innocents needed her, or when there was just some Big Bad to fight. That's why I originally came back to Sunnydale after splitting with Dru all those years ago. I hung around not because of the Slayer but because I kept hoping Kyna would show up. She's not going to, though. If she was, she'd be here by now.
Why isn't she? She's one of the most powerful Sorceresses ever, but she's always fought on the side of Good. She'd never turn her back on innocents who needed her and, just like Buffy, would do anything to save those who needed her. She knows what's going down here. The whole Supernatural world knows, and yet we're stuck with just a handful of true warriors, a bunch of potentials who are still training, and a few whose good hearts just won't let them abandon their friends or their home. She should be here, but she's not. Why?
It's been so long since I last heard anything about her. Could it be? Could it be that she somehow died and I just missed hearing about it? She was supposed to be Immortal, but there are always hidden ways to kill even the most legendary Immortals. Could it have finally happened to her? How could I have missed news that huge, but then again, what other reason could she possibly have for not being here?
I need her now. The world needs her now. But she's nowhere to be seen. It doesn't make sense. She should be here now. She used to always be there for me when I needed her. My hands run over Buffy's arms in gentle, reassuring motions, but my movements are not to reassure her but me as I feel my tears sticking in my throat. I won't cry. Not here, not now, not when I am needed, not in front of the Slayer that I am supposed to be taking care of. I don't love Buffy, but I do care about her. She needs me now, and I won't cry before her.
Even as I manage to keep my eyes dry, I can not stop my thoughts from turning back to Kyna. I've told Buffy more about my past than I've told any other living soul, but there is one thing I left out. I told her they always laughed at me and my failed attempts at poetry, but that wasn't the whole truth. She never laughed at me, and so when she was there, not every one laughed at me -- just everybody but her. She always believed in me back then.
Even after I was turned, she still believed in me. I still remember that night when we first encountered each other after my rebirthing. Up until that night, the Kyna Chan I had known had always been a prim, proper, and beautiful lady who, though her opinions were strong and she was close to none other there, never turned from me, always supported me, and always picked up my shattered pieces when I most needed her to. The Kyna Chan I encountered that night, however, was almost completely different. She was still beautiful, though, but she was so much more at the same time. She was . . . *magnificent*.
When we first encountered each other that night, she didn't know that it was me that she was saving the innocent from nor did I realize that she was the woman I was fighting. We only became aware of each other when she brought her stake to my heart. That's the first time I saw the fire in her eyes; the beautiful, glorious soul that will forever fight for what is good and right; the unfaltering determination to save any innocent that needs her; the powerful, wondrous soul of such a valiant warrioress. She dropped her stake that night, and although she has never allowed me to harm an innocent on her watch, she also has never been able to stake me.
She's tried plenty of times and come close every time before finding, once again, that she couldn't. She knew she should, but she still couldn't bring herself to stake me. She's reminded both herself and me so many countless times that I am not the William she knew, but it's never done any good. She's always ended up saving the innocent but letting me escape nonetheless.
I've often wondered why and have even dared to hope that maybe she loved me as I do her, but I know better. She couldn't love me for I am not worthy of her love, and besides, the man she *did* love is dead and has been for well over a century, nearly two in fact. She even had a whole slew of children by him . . . though Angelus killed every one of them. Maybe if she'd never learned that he is my grandsire . . . Maybe if she hadn't been so determined that I had to be evil . . . Maybe things could have somehow worked out between us.
Who am I kidding?! I'm a Vampire, and the last time we saw each other, I didn't have my soul back yet. That's one of the things that I will forever be grateful to Buffy for. I told her I got my soul back because of her, but that's only partially true. It was Kyna who made me want to be myself again and not evil long before Buffy ever came to be. It was just Buffy's want to trust me and the limited amount of trust that she has had in me that finally helped me to get myself together and go after what I had wanted for so long -- my soul.
I wish I could say that I love Buffy. The bit needs love in her life, true love that won't disappoint, betray, or hurt her, but I'm just not the man to do it no more than Angel was. It's sad really. This late in the game, she'll never meet her soul mate, and though she's done everything for the world that will never truly appreciate her or even be grateful to her, she's only had small tastes of real, complete happiness before they've been stolen from her every time. I wish I could love Buffy for her sake, but though I've told and will again tell her that I love her, I never really have for my heart has always belonged to another.
I wish I could have been the man that Kyna wanted and deserved, but I'll soon never get another chance to. Soon, the world will end or, at least, our part of it will. I'll be here, though, every step of the way to do my part -- to protect and reassure the Slayer and to give Buffy what I can of what she needs in order for the Slayer to be able to give the world what it needs to survive. I'll always love Kyna, but it is Buffy who needs me now.
The End