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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-05
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1,006
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1/1
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21
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2,114

Banana Caveat

Summary:

Fandom: AtS
Characters: Spike, Angel, Harmony
Rating/Warnings: PG for suggestions of m/f and m/m sex.
Summary: You can all blame henriettaholden for this.  She wanted a funny spangel with the boys attempting to legal speak with harmony correcting them and somewhere throw in a banana and owl droppings.  (I may have cheated a little bit).

Work Text:



Banana Caveat
by Lilithangel



Angel's hair was sticking up more than normal and he appeared to be growling at a piece of paper when Spike wandered into the office.

"Somebody steal your hair gel?" Spike said with a smirk.

"Go away Spike," Angel said, "I don't have time for your games."

"You always have time for my games." Spike perched on the desk and plucked the piece of paper from his hand.

"Hey," Angel protested, but he didn't have the energy to fight for it.

Spike blinked at the words on the paper.  "It's kind of in English, I got that much.  What the hell is it supposed to be?"

"A contract Gunn was supposed to give me the rundown on," Angel said with a sigh, "but he's been off his game and forgot."

"Too much Gilbert and Sullivan will do that," Spike said absently, still attempting to make sense of the contract.

"I thought it was a recipe to begin with," Angel said, damaging his hair again.

"A recipe?"

"I'm sure it mentioned cakes or something."

"Torts, not tortes," Spike said.

"Did someone mention cake?" Harmony entered carrying two mugs of blood, "only there isn't any left.  I told the cafeteria staff to get in more of those little biscuits you like Bossy, but someone has already eaten them."

"No," Spike rolled his eyes, "we're talking about law, Harm."

"Oh you mean personal injury.  I talked to the legal department about suing the vampire that turned me for damages and loss of sunlight," Harmony said brightly, "they said I had a case but without a body it was Habeas Christie and I don't shop there."

Silence followed her pronouncement and then Spike turned back to the contract.  "Flagrante delicto..." he read out.

"Now that is a cake," Harmony said firmly.  "We had it at Doreen's farewell party last week.  It was banana."

"It means caught in the act," Spike said before he could stop himself.

"Like we were last week in the supply cupboard," she giggled.

"You didn't?" Angel said in horror.

"No we didn't," Spike said, "we were interrupted... we would have if Gerry hadn't opened the door at the wrong time.  Those damn tentacles get everywhere."

"Trust you to know the rude Latin," Angel said, trying to ignore the images he was getting of Spike, Harmony and tentacles.

"More than you know," Spike said.

"And you'll tell us ad nauseam," Angel said.

"Are you feeling sick?" Harmony asked him.

"He's just being obiter dictum," Spike retaliated, "it's the only Latin he knows."

"Is that something vampires can get?" Harmony said, backing away from Angel.

"Spike's just being a jerk," Angel said, "and don't call me a dick."

Spike snorted and refrained from the obvious comments.

"I know more Latin than that," Angel said, "Why is it talking about owl droppings?"

"Owl droppings?" Spike peered at the page, "where?"

"There." Angel pointed.

"That's got nothing to do with owl droppings, it's not even about birds.  I wouldn't sign it though, unless you've got a virginity left to give."

"What?" Angel squeaked, snatching the paper back.

"Oh," Harmony said, "That must be the Verish contract.  Charles mentioned the virginity bit.  Apparently they heard about vampires being returned to virgin status after being turned and since they go through a lot of virgins they wanted to buy as many vampires as they could."

"No," Spike said at the speculative gleam in Angel's eyes, "you can't sell me."

"No," Harmony interrupted, "that's their problem.  They have to be willing sacrifices, or convicted criminals.  Charles thought it would be a way around letting some of our vampire clients get away with stuff.  If they knew it was uber fine they wouldn't be suspicious and everyone would be happy."

"Uber what?" Angel said.

"Uberrimae fidei," Spike said, "contracts of the upmost faith, not just fine."

"That's what I said," Harmony said, "they sign the contract when we represent them that if we get them off their payment will be contracted to the Verish, who in turn will pay us... uber fine."

"That's really sneaky," Spike said in admiration.

"Do you need anything else?" Harmony asked Angel, "I can translate some more if you want."

"That's fine, Harmony," Angel said, "You can go."  His gaze was fixed on Spike.

Spike shifted under the scrutiny as Harmony left with a cheery wave.  "What?" he demanded when Angel didn't stop looking at him.  "You can't sell me, you heard what Harmony said."

"You had sex in the supply cupboard with Harmony," Angel said.

"Attempted to have sex with Harmony in the supply cupboard," Spike corrected.  "What do you expect?" he added defensively, "not a monk like some.  I actually like physical contact of the non-violent kind.  Think it's time to give it up though.  It was never that good and the pink gives me a headache."

"I'm not a monk," Angel said, standing up and grabbing Spike by the arm, "or a eunuch."  He dragged Spike out of the office.

"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?" Spike demanded, trying to pull free of Angel's grasp.

"You want sex in the supply cupboard, I'll give you sex in the supply cupboard," Angel said and  Spike stopped struggling.

"Boss?" Harmony called after them, "should I cancel your three o'clock?"

"And his four," Spike said over his shoulder.

"Gerry?" Angel asked an employee pressed up against the wall to avoid them.

"Sir, Mr Angel, sir?" Gerry said.

"Nobody needs anything from the supply cupboard for the next two hours, okay.  Make sure of it," Angel ordered.

Nobody did need anything from the supply cupboard for the next hour, especially when Spike started yelling out Latin phrases that nobody wanted translations for.

Gerry had to reorder a lot of supplies afterwards, due to collateral damage.


END