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English
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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-05
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798
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1/1
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7
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1,186

Say I

Summary:

Fandom: Barney Miller
Pairing: Dietrich/Wojo
Summary: Inspired by the ep "Resignation". From Dietrich's POV
Archive: Yes to Rareslash and WWOMB
Series/Sequel: N/A
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The song "Say I" is
performed by Creed and the lyrics were written by Tremonti/Stapp. This is
just for fun and I'm not making any money. Please don't sue me.
Any feedback is appreciated

Work Text:

Say I
by Python
flairswench@hotmail.com

 

 

SAY I:
THE DUST HAS FINALLY SETTLED ON THE FIELD OF HUMAN CLAY
JUST ENOUGH LIGHT HAS SHOWN THROUGH
TO TELL THE NIGHT FROM THE DAY
WE ARE INCOMPLETE AND HOLLOW
FOR OUR MAKER HAS GONE AWAY
WHO IS TO BLAME?
WE'LL SURELY MELT IN THE RAIN
SAY I

 

I shot someone today. Sure...he shot at me first but that still doesn't make it right. What makes me so important? What gives me the right to take another human life? If that kid hadn't survived, could I live with myself?

I was lucky today. The kid didn't die...But what about next time. What if the next one dies?

I know it's part of the job. I always knew that. They drilled that into us at the academy. I've always told myself that I can handle it. The others do.

Someone's gotta take the responsibility.

But when you're willing to take all of that on, you have to be careful that it doesn't eat you up from the inside. I project an indifferent exterior but I do care about people but don't tell anyone that I'm admitting it.

I really noticed a change in myself when the department reorganized and made us the homicide specialty squad. I found myself feeling numb to the death around me because there was no other way for me to deal with it. Mr. Kotterman's murder hit the others harder than me and I feel bad about that. I feel like there should be something more.

 

THE STILLNESS IS SO LIFELESS WITH NO SPIRIT IN YOUR SOUL
LIKE CHILDREN WITH NO VISION DO EXACTLY WHAT THEY'RE TOLD
BEING LED INTO THE DESERT
FOR YOUR STRENGTH WILL SURELY FADE
WHO IS TO BLAME?
WE'LL SURELY MELT IN THE RAIN
SAY I

 

That's when I let Wojo in. Don't ask me why I did? It was a moment of weakness. We began talking the night Kotterman died. Wojo poured his heart out to me. That was a new experience. People don't normally feel comfortable discussing their feelings with me...And I don't blame them for that. I'm a hopeless cynic and most people know that.

I just let him talk. For once, I didn't have anything to say. I'll never forget when he looked down at his watch and then looked back at me with a sheepish smile, "Sorry. I didn't mean to talk your ear off."

"It's ok. I understand," I answered.

"Do you really?"

I nodded. Then he sat there just waiting. I had listened to him and now he wanted to return the favor.

I've never been comfortable discussing my own personal feelings...the ones that are really deep down. I can talk about anything from a detached, intelluctual perspective but that's not what he wanted and we both knew it. And I did it. I still wonder at that. I opened myself up to him, all the while knowing that I shouldn't.

 

FRANTIC, FACTION, FOCUS
THE WORLD BREATHES
AND OUT FORMS THIS MISCONCEPTION WE CALL MAN
BUT I DON'T KNOW HIM
NO, I DON'T KNOW HIM
BECAUSE HE LIES SAYS I

 

I've never been very good in relationships that get too deep. I should've put a stop to it the first time Wojo kissed me. He caught me totally by surprise. I really had no idea...but I loved it. That should've been enough to warn me.

The relationship was short, sweet, and intense. A firestorm caught fire quickly between us but burned out just as quick.

Then today, he was so upset with me. I hadn't meant to insult him or anyone else. I was going to resign for myself because of what is happening to me. I wanted to yell, "It's not about you!"

They all decided to gang up on me and Wojo was the leader. He said that I was rationalizing me decision to quit. I'll admit it to myself that that's part of it.

When did Wojo become so damn perceptive?

So I agreed to stay. What else was I gonna do? They had me and they knew it. Then I caught Wojo staring at me from over at his desk. He looked away before I could read his eyes.

When the shift was over, I glanced over at him and he looked like he was trying to figure out whether he wanted to approach me or not. Then he abruptly turned away. Part of me was relieved. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know what was on his mind but I found myself disappointed. I shook my head, told myself to get a grip, and got out of there.

I hope I made the right decision. Damn it! I'm not supposed to be the unsure one. I hate this. It looks like I'm gonna be having another sleepless night.

 

END