Work Text:
Severus' Snape's Advice Column
by Jane Streeter, Viggie and Tayla36 (Hey, it was Their idea, it's their fault if it's in really bad taste, right?)
Students: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up".
Severus Snape: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Severus Snape's motto: "You made it and you will be graded on it and I don't care how bad it is!"
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Students: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Severus Snape: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
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Students: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Severus Snape: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Merlin's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
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Students: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Severus Snape: Excuse me, but, that is what House Elves are FOR!
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Students: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Severus Snape: Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
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Students: Brush some beaten egg white over a piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Severus Snape: House Elf directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
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Students: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Severus Snape: Sigh. Glare. Fume…<<mutter, mutter>>
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Finally the most important tip....
Students: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in potions.
Severus Snape: Leftover wine?? A friend will come and bail you out of jail...but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
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