Work Text:
Xander The Buffy Slayer
By Lady X
tonicorn_1@yahoo.com
In an alternate world, where blond perky females (the dreaded Buffys) suck the vitality and personality out of their victims, there will always be one to stand against the darkness, a hero who defends the defenceless, one in each generation... They are The Slayer.
And this time it's Xander!
Guided and guarded by a spell-cursed Watcher (Spike) who is doomed to live forever until all the Buffys are gone (which will take centuries, so he doesn't mind) aided by the intellectual Delia (CorDelia), stalked by the nymphomaniac vamp Willow ("Ssh, can't talk, ...brooding") who was partially drained by a Buffy and is forever separated by mankind, and assisted by the new accident-prone Watcher Angi, the Slayer fights the
evil of perkiness every night. (Phew, long sentence but it's kind of a stream of consciousness, OK?)
Lines for the Fic...
- Deep in the den of the Buffys they waited, tresses were blonde, lips were pouty, and evil, pure evil was
afoot... -
- Xander came in looking rumpled "I um, just got some information from Willow, apparrently something's up..."
"you SLEPT with her?" (Spike)
"Nah, bossman, she'd just Buff out on me if I did, mind you, she's hard to ignore" -
- "I've found it, every millenia or so, an aincient evil is called to earth, and the Buffy's are strengthened enormously by the cataclysm, the last incident was contained and the evil was sent back but the end result was still a disaster." Delia hefted the dusty volume and grimaced, "apparently the last time this happened was with Atlantis" "ouch" (Xander)
"no shit sherlock" (Spike) -
-"Look," Spike growled. "Whatever this situation is, the Buffy's are going to be expecting you, I want you to read these martial arts books, they could save us all."
"The style of the constipated wombat? The path of the transsexual mongoose?! The irritable librarian style?!? These are kind of heavy duty, Are you sure I'm ready for them??"
"I've contacted a travelling Watcher who specialises in the martial arts, hopefully he can teach you a few moves" Spike watched Xander practice one of the attacks from the book "I think Ripper will have his work cut out for him ..... No! No! Look! if you want to practice the eyeball shimmy attack do it outside and away from my Sex Pistols collection!" -
- "Oh my lord!" Delia gasped, "they're standing on the spot and...and... JIGGLING!!"
"A common Buffy attack really, the hypnotic bouncing of the Jiggly Bits distracts their victims as they close in for the kill, believe me I've faced this a hundred times"
"And you're still here?!"
"Yeah"
"But you're a guy!"
"Who likes staying a guy, I wanna keep my gender thanks!" -
- Ripper faced his student grimly, "there is a chant which may help you focus," he glanced at Spike for permission, who nodded. "One practiced by immortals worldwide... now, repeat after me...'there can only be pi!'"
"What, 3.17184?"
"No, Blueberry!" -
- A head (and bosom) poked out from the steam "Oh, Baby, Baby, - Oops, you did it again!"
Xander squinted, "What is that?"
Spike paled "Oh, no, its worse than I imagined, ...it's not a Buffy, it's a BRITNEY!!" -
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End Note: Well, that's what I've got so far, actually some of this evolved as I typed it, but any pointers, I'd appreciate, and flattering feedback will be drooled over. Thanks!