SquidgeWorld Archive

Far Away

by CarolelaineD

God life can't get any more boring than this it's the same old shit day after day, just waiting around for a contact. Why for just once in my life can't someone arrive on fuckin time?

Well, they have fifteen minutes and I'm out of here, to hell with it after that the consortium can deal with their own shit.

Finally ten minutes later they decide to show, I'm going to kill someone before the day ends, all that time just to be told to go somewhere else and wait in the morning.

Great what a waste of an entire day and I guess the smoking bastard wants to piss me off, or see if he can trust me well its easier for me if he thinks he can trust me one hundred percent.

Right I might as well get the hell out of here, a hot shower and a few beers and sleep sounded good to me about now.

Well the shower helped, but I selected the vodka to help me sleep through tonight, I had always suffered from nightmares from a very young age and hated going to sleep. So I decided to take care of my other problem first fuck, I had a hard on to the point it hurt.

Therefore I lay on the sofa pulling down my clothes and I started to think about the one and only fantasy that would help me achieve that release. I lay there thinking about his gorgeous eyes, also those pouting lips that could give any man a blow job, with ease.

I imagine him here stroking my cock and kissing me with those insatiable lips, taking my cock into his lush mouth. Within no time at all I find the release my body so much craved, I have to make the most of my fantasies as I know the man I want and love is well beyond my reach.

So goodnight my sweet Fox, wherever you are xx.

Well its morning again and no hangover so at least that's something I guess, fuck' I hate morning's, why do men always have to wake with a hard on. I lay here thinking of Fox who most probably will be in the shower and getting ready for work now?

God that's a nice mental picture Fox in the shower, how I would love to get my hands on that cute little ass, pin him up against the shower wall and fuck the life out of him until he screamed my name. That would show him just what he's missing, oh just fuckin great I got carried away so much my cock hurts and I'm due to go out, I think a cold shower is much needed.

One hour later I'm where I was told to be and oh life can be so much fun; I know I am going to like this job. Things are looking up, the cancerous bastard believes Mulder's up to something, my strict orders are to install a camera in his flat and keep a very close eye on him. Well I'd always liked keeping an eye or two on Fox, I guess the camera will be a bonus.

I have been notified that Mulder will be away for one more night on a case, I guess I will be paying a visit to forty-two Hegel place.

(Unofficial visit of course)

Well it's now four am I guess now will be as good time as any to get the camera in position, great I must be mad it's freezing and I am soaking wet. I swear if this was not Mulder's apartment I'd make the smoking bastard do it, himself, well here goes there's no one around so I slip up to the fourth floor via the stairs and pick the lock on door forty-two.

It's not a problem as I have done it before as Mulder's very lax on security for a FBI Agent, well it's all quiet so at least my source got it right for once. Well I must get to work, there's just so many distractions around here and I can even smell him as if he was here. I guess not a lot changed in his life as still so many porn magazines and videos, still no girlfriend yet then Fox.

I still can't understand how someone so fuckin gorgeous is still single at his age, well less of the thinking as I know I will only get that close to him in my fantasies and no one can stop them not even Fox.

God what am I doing, fuck I am here to do a job but it's hard to concentrate now with a raging hard on. Right I set up the camera and have one last look around, I then creep back into the night, just me and my shadow.

Home at last, Mulder's not back for a few hours so time to eat, shower and sleep.

The smoking man gave orders to keep an eye on Mulder and follow him if he goes anywhere, I guess it will be a piece of cake then. Mulder goes home every night from work and as the camera is in place hell, I bet I won't even need to leave here.

The hot shower and pizza made me sleepy but I'll have to jerk myself off first, all this thinking about Fox has made me harder than ever. I lay here yet again with my hands sliding up and down my cock, imagining it's Mulder's sexy hands jerking me off. Thinking about Mulder always makes me come really fast and fall asleep within minutes.

I awoke a few hours later, well time to switch on the monitor and see if Fox has arrived at home yet.

Oh great I'm a stupid fuckin prick, I was so turned on at Mulder's apartment that I forgot to turn the bloody camera on.

I will have to drive by and see if the lights are on, just so I know whether he's home yet.

Finally back home, I drove by the apartment and the lights were on so I hung around until they went off.

I have reported to the smoking man, it was a quiet night and nothing happened.

He seemed okay with my report, for now.

Nevertheless I will have to risk going to Mulder's during the day while he's at work, I managed to get in easy and unseen as usual. I did the job fast and got out before I became horny again, at least I'd wired the camera so that I have a good view of his apartment.

Therefore I intend to sit here with a bottle of vodka, I just want to see what Fox gets up to when he's home alone.

I'm sure by watching Fox I will find something to do to entertain myself, so here's to a pleasant evening Fox. Great if anything else goes wrong I will go mad, the night I finally get the camera sorted out and Fox is a no show. Well there goes my fun night fuck it, I'll have to drive around there and see where he is.

I have been here for over an hour now, still no sign of Fox.

I go to hide near the building, I can't stand it in the car any longer as I need some air.

I knew I shouldn't have knocked the vodka back as fast as I did, well on the bright side I managed to drive over without wrapping the car around a lamppost.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING AROUND HERE KRYCEK?"

Fuck I freeze as I would recognize that sexy voice anywhere, I turn to find his gorgeous eyes staring at me and I am at a total loss for words. God I have to get a grip on things as this is not like me at all.

I am a hard tough man when I need to be but at the moment I have turned to jelly, shit think fast.

Well too late now as I spent that long daydreaming, he now has hold of me by my jacket and he's demanding to know what I'm playing at.

He informs me I'm a murderer, liar, and overall scum and always up to no good, nice to see Fox as his usual self.

I can't think my mind won't register anything, he is so close to me his mouth so close to my own lips. I mumble something and I don't even know what I said, the next minute he punches me and I fall to the ground. Oh shit he is sitting on the top of me, what a turn on it is to be pinned under him.

At that moment I realize something else, and comment (Shit, I could dig my own grave with my mouth).

"Is that how you get turned on Mulder, hitting people."

He looks at me like I'm strange.

"What the fuck are you going on about now Krycek?"

"Well unless I am mistaken, that's one hell of a hard on you have, Mulder"

Well I did say I had a big mouth, he dragged me to my feet and punched me again.

"You are nothing but a filthy sad murdering lying pervert"

He pushes me and tells me to fuck off and get lost, far away from him then he strode away.

Hell I need to go home and think about what happened here tonight, I need to work out what the hell was with Mulder as I'd always believed him to be straight.

And he will never realize, even though he hit me (twice) and it still hurts like hell, it was a big turn on having his hands on me, shit an even bigger turn on was having him sit on top of me with that rock hard cock pressing against me.

I so need to think, first, I must do something about my own poor hard cock that's straining against my tight jeans.

XXXXXXXXXXX

God I don't think I even understand myself or my feelings at the moment, I seem to be able to go from one extreme to another in a matter of seconds.

How do I go from been really happy to yelling my eyes out like a baby and feeling so depressed, life's just so lonely, I always got by before hell maybe it's my age or something and the thought of a lifetime alone?

I just can't take much more of this, I feel like I'm going under big time. All I want is for someone to love me, hold me and let me know everything will be okay.

I feel like I have nobody in my life as what do I come home too, nothing that's what?

Special Agent Fox Mulder, young not bad looking and still all alone (how sad am I)

but still I sit here night after night feeling sorry for myself, I do nothing to change my life.

I need to stop drinking so much watch less porn and get a real life, God I'm so fucked up at the moment.

Come on Mulder snap out of it start with tonight, what was I thinking over that carry on with Krycek?

How the hell did someone like him turn me on in the first place, well I suppose he's gorgeous, oh shit now I'm going mad and I have to admit it even if it's only to myself, I was so turned on I had to get away from him.

Fuck Krycek must have wondered what the hell all that was about, while I wonder what the hell will happen next time I see him. I swear I won't be able to touch him and Krycek will never let me live this down for sure.

I have had feelings towards men before and wondered about my sexual preferences, why him when he's nothing but filthy scum and a lot more.

I need to know if it was just him or if close contact with any man would do this to me.

It could just be all the years spent alone, maybe any human contact would have the same effect on me.

Shit I hope it was just a one off, or my job will become extremely difficult trying to arrest anyone. Then there's Scully, what would she think if I walked around all the time with a hard on.

Scully's own mother thinks that we would make a great couple that we should go out together. Scully is my best friend and I love her like my sister, would she still feel the same way about me if I was gay. Hell I'm just so mixed up and confused as life's just one long battle, at work and at home.

I just feel so alone in this world Spooky Mulder with his weird ideas and thoughts, I'm so tired there is no peace in my life.

Just face it, I'm so fucked up they'll be sending the men in white coats soon and have me in a nice padded cell by the weekend.

I have so much anger and rage inside me when I am near Krycek, nothing more, no hang on a minute if I go back a bit I remember the very first day in the bullpen. I met him and I had this sudden strange sensation and I thought about how gorgeous he was, but I pushed the thoughts away because he was a man, god maybe I had feelings towards him all along then he went and betrayed me.

I have profiled many men for the F.B.I, but I could never manage to work Krycek out, and I don't know what he really thinks about me anyway.

When I hit him he just has this strange look it's like he's a wild animal, so why won't he fight back and hit me as he most probably could knock me out if he really wanted too.

Sod this I currently need some sleep and I'll think later about my own life, where it's going and what to do about it all.

Great now my cock is throbbing as bad as my head so I undo my trousers, release it from its tight prison and start caressing and stroking it getting faster, I keep pumping it to give myself the release I so much need.

I find myself thinking about him, before I know it I'm coming hard and fast.

Nevertheless what scares me more than anything is hearing myself shout his name as I came, fuck it was not like I even shouted Krycek.

I had referred to him by his first name, fuck where did that come from as I had always called him Krycek.

Fuck this I need sleep; I am left unable to think straight due to too many revelations in one night.

A few hours later I switch off my alarm and shower, just another workday ahead.

I slept very little during the night, but I have made a few decisions regarding my life and future.

Friday night I have decided to go out to a club, have a few drinks and see where it leads. I need to know if it is just Krycek, or if I am gay.

I know its time I found the true me the real Fox Mulder and be willing to deal with it, well it will soon be Friday.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well I watched Fox for most of the day and I now sit here waiting for him to arrive home, the camera is all set up and ready so I guess all that's left to do is wait. Fuck I hate waiting around however when it comes to Fox it's worth it and I am looking forward to an evening, watching and learning what he does when he's alone.

Six pm well on with the show, Fox dearest has arrived back home but this could be boring as he's brought Scully back with him. I can't believe I listened to Cancerman and only installed a camera in his damn apartment, I need a bug as it might have made it more interesting with sound, oh well I will have to make do with what I have got.

They seem to be just talking at the moment, I'm unsure what Mulder's sexual preferences are but with her he seems relaxed like she is his sister or something.

Well not like I could ever have him anyway, if Mulder was gay and I was the last man alive he'd still kill me rather than fuck me, fuck I'm feeling sorry for myself yet again.

Well Mulder spent the next hour eating pizza and talking, I sat there wishing that was my cock in his mouth instead of that pizza. Oh god and when he put those fingers inside his mouth sucking them clean. God I find my hand inside my jeans wishing it was his hand on me, fuck am enjoying myself or what.

Out of the corner of my eye I notice Scully leaving, she just pats him on the shoulder and gives him a hug no long kisses, hell maybe I am right they're just close friends.

I jerk my swollen cock even harder until I shudder and come, thinking about the only man I want and love.

When I finally finish I look back at the monitor and find Fox not in his living room, I only put a camera in that room as I know he sleeps on the sofa and has since I met him. Maybe he went for a shower, I don't want him to go to sleep just yet.

Well twenty minutes later Fox enters the room and he has changed his clothes, he just sits down on the couch and I feel more relaxed and it looks like I was right, he had just showered and changed.

Fuck it the vodka has started to really kick in now and I feel very drunk, I'm unsure if Fox has gone to sleep sat up as he's not moved for over an hour now. He suddenly look's up and fuck all I see is so much hurt and pain in his eyes, I want to cry as he looks so sad and unhappy.

Then he moved off the couch, oh well it was just to put a video on then he went back to the couch and lay down. The next minute, his hands went inside his boxer's, well things might be looking up after all for me.

He pulls his large cock free, fuck I have felt him against me and I will never forget the sight of him in those red speedos. However, this is unreal nothing between seeing what Fox has got, great now I am aware of the bulge in my own pants. I study Fox for a while just enjoying the sight of him, then I decide to jerk myself off while watching.

God it feel's great and I can almost imagine him here with me, I would love to know what goes on in that head of his. What he is really thinking about while he jerks off. God Fox is smiling whoever or whatever he thinks about must have made him happy even for a short while, I would love him to be happy more than he is as he has the most gorgeous smile.

I finally manage to come, God that was so easy doing it while watching Fox and I should have known I wouldn't last long.

I notice his mouth moving as he came, fuck I would love to know what he said so maybe I will have to bug the apartment soon then I might just find out.

I watch the monitor and notice Fox no longer smiling, he seems very upset again and whatever it was making him happy has ended, he's all alone again. He finally falls asleep, yet seems so restless.

I watch Fox for over an hour before I decide to sleep myself, in that hour I noticed how bad he did sleep as was always moving around. Shit even in his sleep he had a bloody frown on his gorgeous face, I guess his mind found no peace at all. I would love to make him smile a lot more as he seems to have a worse life than me if that's possible.

I have decided to watch him a lot closer as he seems so depressed, I would never survive or forgive myself if anything was to happen to my sweet gorgeous Fox.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I let myself into my apartment and it had been a long day, I was just so glad it was the weekend. I thought about the plan's I'd made for tonight, also I was very nervous but determined to go through with it. I ‘d picked up a bottle of very strong vodka and decided it would be a good idea to have a few drinks first, for courage and to relax that was all.

A couple of hours later and some alcohol inside me, I thought it about time that I showered and changed.

After the shower and shave I got dressed in very close fitting black jeans and a black shirt, I then did my hair and was about as ready as I'd ever be. I walked into the living room and realized I'd hardly ate a thing all day, however I decided just to have another vodka instead. At least I knew that I was drunk and had already ordered a taxi for seven pm, all I had to do was wait.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'd watched Mulder for the past hour, not a lot to report as he'd just sat there drinking vodka. However he looked like he was deep in thought about something.

Watching Fox had always turned me on, I believed, he was just going to drink himself to sleep. so expected a quite evening so I removed my jeans and placed my hand around my cock that was as hard as rock, fuck I needed to come bad.

I noticed Fox leave the room but I wasn't worried, the camera covered the apartment door, so knowing Fox was still in his apartment I finished the task at hand. Rubbing my hand up and down the length of my cock thinking of that lush body and his lips kissing me.

Fuck in no time at all I was coming yelling his name.

Suddenly all that was forgotten as I noticed movement on the monitor, hell I could not believe the gorgeous vision in front of me. Fox Mulder dressed to kill, shit I was starting to get hard again already. What's he playing at and shit, he keep's drinking more and more.

Shit I have a really bad feeling about all this, Fox dressed to kill knocking back the vodka like tap water and he never even ate while at home.

I realized Fox must be going out dressed like that, but hell how could he go out when he was only just managing to stand up. Fuck it I knew I had to move and fast, getting into my jeans with an erection this hard was slowing me down. Fastening them was a nightmare and I finally managed to dress grab my leather jacket, then my gun and keys.

I sat in my car as I knew he would be waiting for a cab, hell even Mulder was not stupid enough to drive that pissed. Finally, a cab showed up, oh shit Mulder came towards the waiting car and he was totally drunk. He struggled into the cab and nearly fell over, where the hell was he going, in that state?

I waited for the cab to pull away and followed it, shit I don't know what worries me the most. How Fox is acting and how he look's or my own emotions as presently I want him more than anything, I tried to block out my own feeling's as life was simple when I only had myself to worry about.

Shit think about it later as at the moment I only have one concern, one rather drunk and gorgeous Fox Mulder. I followed the cab heading towards the main nightlife scene, twenty minutes later the cab came to a halt and Fox almost fell out of the door. Shit I know this place as I've been here before as it's a gay bar, well you are full of surprise's Fox.

I wait for him to go inside then exit my own car locking it behind me, I have a quick look around before I go inside the club.

It gets a bit more difficult now as I don't want him to see me, if I remain patient I will see what his plans are for the evening. Even though my guess is he will be out cold soon.

I manage to stay in the shadow's hidden from his view, I know I will see no harm come to him and I will only reveal myself if I really have to, from where I stand I have a very clear view of Fox but fuck how can he still keep drinking.

Shit Fox is acting like a fuckin slut and is all over anyone who show's him any attention, maybe that's what he wants, not like I can give him any.

Fuck I knew it wouldn't take long as how on this earth could any man in this joint turn down Fox, his gorgeous eyes and sexy mouth that's just screaming fuck me. This is not going too well as I'm so turned on, I won't watch some other man treat him like he's nothing more than a whore. I need to calm down before I pull out my gun and shoot someone.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I ordered another drink and fuck this will be the worst hangover in history. Fuck I had to see this through, I was not willing to believe only Krycek turned me on.

Oh great, I come for a night out and start thinking about him, I don't even know why when I hate him but I appear to have company now anyway.

"Hi can I buy you a drink as you look lost just sat there all alone, please tell me if I'm overstepping any boundaries?"

I look up and see an average man in his thirties, nothing special but what the hell.

" No you're not and yeah the drink sounds great I'll have another vodka, by the way the name's Fox Mulder "

" Pleased to meet you, are you here waiting for someone? "

" No I'm all alone in the world, that's why I came here tonight as I don't want to be alone anymore. "

" Hell, let's see if we can change that shall we? Someone as good looking as you shouldn't have to be alone believe me."

I accepted the drink and realized that I was drunk, I didn't care anymore what the hell happened to me tonight. I would offer myself to anyone, even the devil himself if he offered. We had a few more drinks and the man had told me his name was Carl.

Oh shit, he had his arm around me and was rubbing his hand up and down my leg, then I felt him kiss me on the lips.

"Let's get out of here Fox, I will give you the best fuck you've ever had "

" That sound's great Alex, come on then let's get the hell out of here"

For some reason the idea of getting fucked really turned me on, maybe I was gay then after all. Alex was drop dead gorgeous with his green eyes and eyelashes to die for, shit when the hell had I ever had thoughts like that about him?

" Well I don't know who the hell Alex is but he's one hell of a lucky bloke, however tonight it's just me and you "

" Alex is just someone I know, sorry my mind was elsewhere "

I stood to leave and everything spun around fuck it I was totally pissed, I then felt Carl's arm go around me and lead me outside. I swear I wouldn't have made it out of there on my own, shit I would have just collapsed into a boneless heap on the floor.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'd watched all that had gone on between Fox and this stranger, fuck I was starting to get very angry and pissed off. Not a good sign as when I'm like this I tend to end up hurting people.

Shit I just got back to my car in time to see Fox mauled by this man, fuck he was kissing him and had his hand down Fox's pants groping him, Fox should be mine, and mine only.

I subconsciously reach for my gun and finger the trigger, I know its wrong and pull my hand away real fast. As much as I would like to kill this man I must wait, I need to see the outcome, even if it kills me and that feels like a real possibility right now…

I see the man herald a cab and they both climb in, after I've followed for a short time it hit's me where they were going. Shit Fox was taking the bloke back to his own fuckin apartment, I guess he's totally forgot he's an F.B.I Agent.

Fox is mine and I won't let him be fucked like this, when he's too drunk to know what he even wants.

I see a set of traffic light's ahead and shit I know the cab will make it through the light's, but they would change before I got there. Shit I was just about to go through the red light when I noticed the cop car behind, I have no choice but to wait as I can't risk getting pulled over with my history. I punch the steering wheel out of frustration while they seem to take forever to change.

The light changes and the cabs nowhere in sight, I drive at a normal speed until the cop car is out of sight. I hit the pedal and head towards his apartment, I just hope I get there before Fox does something he might regret later. He's totally pissed out of his head and not capable to make any decisions, I guess it's just good I know where the cabs going.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shit I need to sit down as I can't even get the key into my apartment door, suddenly a hand grab's the key and open's it for me. I thought he actually liked me, but then he pushed me into my apartment and slammed the door behind him.

Fuck the next thing I remember was Carl dragging me towards the bedroom, shoving me hard face down onto the bed. What the fuck had I done, I felt my trousers unfastening and then his hand's removing them that was when I passed out.

I finally come round to feel Carl slapping my face, he was also far from gentle and it fuckin hurt.

" Come on Foxy and get with it as I want you awake, I want you to see me and feel me as I'm not fuckin a corpse you know?"

"I'm so sorry, please Carl I don't want this"

"To late to go back now, Foxy"

"Please just get off me and let me go!"

"You haven't got a hope in hell of that happening."

He yanked down my boxers before undoing his own trousers, he then pressed my head hard into the pillow. Shit I struggled to breathe and wanted to throw up. I started to cry like a fuckin baby at the sudden pain as something entered my ass.

"Hey Foxy that's only my fingers the best is yet to come, hey maybe you're still a virgin and tonight's my lucky night?"

Fuck what had I done to get myself in this position as I was too pissed to stop Carl, I must be the most pathetic person alive as everything I do I fuck up and I'm my own worst nightmare.

I struggle day-to-day with the X files and my search for Sam, oh let's not forget my feeling's for a certain dirty little fuckin rat.

Oh God no I can hear someone else moving around, please don't tell me he invited anyone else. Why can't I just pass out again, I feel his hands grab my cock really hard and start to stroke it.

"Please let me go Carl…"

Fuck it's too dark to see, now I hear a third voice yelling.

"Get the fuck away from my lover now, believe me I mean right now "

Shit within a second I realise two things, the voice belongs to Krycek and he'd just removed the safety catch on his gun. I hear myself screaming out, fuck Krycek is trigger happy at the best of times and he wouldn't think twice about killing Carl.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I use the gun just to scare the man even though I would love to put a bullet in his head, I just told him Fox was my two timing lover and to get the hell out of here.

Oh I did add that if I see him again I would kill him, well that did the trick as the bloke grabbed his clothes and left in a hurry.

I shut the apartment door and went to check Fox, first I put the safety catch back on my gun and holstered it under my jacket.

I don't want to scare Fox any more than he already was, I walked into his bedroom to find him on the bed. Shit he is sobbing and shaking really bad, what do I do as I can't leave him like this. I sit on the edge of the bed and pull Fox towards, me, I stroke his hair.

"It's ok Fox you're safe now and everything will be okay."

Shit I know he was hungover, but I worry like hell what he might do to himself. Also what he might do if he sobers up and find's me here.

I decide to take a chance as I can't sit in this position much longer, I sit up on the bed and lean against the headboard and wait. Suddenly I feel Fox wrap his arms around me and lean on my chest, I know he is in shock, but he just keep's repeating the same thing over and over again.

"Please don't leave please Alex, don't leave me"

"Its okay Fox, I promise that I will stay for a while until you fall sleep."

That's interesting, he called me Alex, I held Fox until he stopped shaking and fell asleep.

I decided to stay for a short time just to make sure he was okay, also I knew that I would never get to be this close and hold him in my arms ever again. Fox would only ever lay his hands on me out of hate, even though I'd accept that if there were to be no other way.

I opened my eyes and realised I'd fallen asleep here on his bed, I'd slept for a few hours and knew I had to leave real fast.

Fox was still asleep so I would have to move him off me, stupid me I could not resist those sensuous lips and had to kiss him. I suddenly realised he had his eyes wide open staring at me, oh fuck I'm a dead man and was like a deer trapped in the headlights.

I jumped off the bed but Fox was fast, the next minute I was pinned against the wall. I closed my eyes and waited for the punch, to my amazement he never actually hit me straight away.

"What the fuck did you do to me Krycek, you bastard?"

"Please let me go Fox, I never hurt you and I only wanted to help."

"Don't you dare call me Fox, you filthy rat bastard"

Shit I could not believe he blamed me, the next thing I felt was him punching me in the mouth. Well I knew he'd only refrain so long from hitting me, I'd swear I was just his human punch bag.

"I will kill you Krycek, if you don't tell me what you did right now?"

" You are a clever man Mulder and with the memory you have, you will figure it out soon enough."

"You son of a bitch Krycek, maybe I might just get my gun and shoot you where you stand."

I knew I never had it in me to hit Fox, but I had to get away so I just shoved him as hard as I could. Mulder fell backwards onto the bed, I then just walked out of the door slamming it hard behind me, at that moment, and I hoped he did have a hangover.

XXXXXXXXXX

I knew Alex was right, it was only a matter of time before I would remember everything. Some rest and lots of black coffee and every little detail came flooding back.

What the hell had I done, I risked getting raped or even worse just to find out if I'm gay. I also knew it was Alex who'd stopped anything going on. However, that left unanswered questions as to why Alex was here and how did he know I needed help?

Fuck I also remembered where I'd woke up, in Alex Krycek's arm's that was where. The kiss God he was so gentle but what the fuck did Alex want from him in the future?

A big part of me wishes the kiss had been genuine, well it's Alex so he must have done it to use against me at some other time.

It would not matter what I told myself, it was not just the kiss as even though I will never forget that. It was waking up in someone's arm's feeling safe and loved, like someone actually wanted me.

Hell where did the love bit come from, as I was getting turned on again by a murder and liar.

I started to think about my whole life as I had nothing worth living and fighting for, I lay on the couch and yelled my eyes out like the pathetic man I have become. I'd been a fuckin idiot to even drink that much and that was before I left, shit I'd also had quite a few while I was at the club too. It wasn't like I could even hold my drink especially vodka, I had a feeling I wouldn't be going drinking for some time to come.

XXXXXXXXXX

When I finally arrived back home I took a long hot shower then examined my lip in the mirror, shit Fox had made one hell of a mess as usual. My lips are swollen and cut, I also know that it won't go down well with Cancerman and I'd have to make some bullshit up.

I need to eat something so I grab a quick sandwich, but I will have to risk getting shopping soon enough though. Fuck it at least I still have half a bottle of vodka left, hell that's all I would need for now as I drowned my own sorrows.

I couldn't get the image out of my head, the warmth and happiness I'd felt when I felt his soft lip's upon my own. I'd been an idiot to have expected anything different, Fox hated me I believe more than anyone else, worse I knew nothing I did would ever get him to change his mind.

Deep down I knew I should have left straight away, no I would never have left Fox in that state and all alone. Deep down I knew I'd have stayed no matter what, I would never want to change the time I spent with him.

Well back to work I guess, my vodka and watching Fox was my main goal for tonight. I switch on the monitor; I guess it will be safer watching Fox from a distance and remembering our past encounters.

I watched Fox for a while just drinking coffee one after another, I knew by his facial expressions, that he was trying to remember everything.

I could see the torment on his gorgeous face, hell I could not believe it when Fox started sobbing like that. I was praying that it was not me who'd left him in such a bad way, I love him and would do anything to help him. At the moment I wished so much that Fox never hated me, I watched him for over an hour until finally he gave in and fell asleep.

I know I will have to put my own feelings on hold as I realize Fox is going to need a lot of help, I guess in a way I feel partially to blame. Why did I stay and God only knows, what possessed me to kiss him? Shit I don't even know what to do for him and I guess that he need's time alone to think.

I finally decide Fox won't be going anywhere soon, not in his state after all the vodka and the previous night and I need sleep. I could handle my drink but I couldn't function with hardly any sleep, which was something I'd seriously lacked since watching Fox. There I'd been thinking it'd be the easiest job in history, well I guess that was one of the things I loved about Fox.

Over an hour later I awoke, shit my head hurt but I knew I had a job to do, as now it was for personal reasons and had nothing to do with Cancerman.

I look over at the monitor, shit where the fuck did I put my key's? I grab my shoes and head out of the door not even locking it, once I am in my car I hit the pedal and go as fast as I dare to Fox's apartment.

I have only one image in my head, Fox sat down pointing a gun to his own head. God help me but if I don't get there in time and he dies, well I will end my own life it's not like I'd have any reason left to carry on anyway.

XXXXXXXXXX

I sat there knowing I'd lost so much in my life, shit what reason was there to stay alive if I could just pull the trigger. One bullet and all the pain and suffering would end.

Shit I was so lost in my own thoughts and I never even heard anyone enter, hell the next thing I know I'm on the floor and the gun had slid away from me.

I look up into the eyes of Alex Krycek and suddenly something snaps, I want him dead as I need someone to blame. I don't know if I even love him or hate him, nevertheless at this moment I blame him for everything bad that's ever happened to me.

God I jumped up and pushed him hard on to the floor, I really thought that I was going to kill him at first. Soon that changed and I realized I wanted something else, why not Alex owed me big time anyway. I started tearing at his clothes and wanted to get them off, shit I was out of control like some wild beast, but I felt good and like I was in charge of my life once again.

"Fox what the fuck are you doing?"

"Unfastening your trousers' Alex, what's it look like"

"Please Fox don't do it not like this, just get off me now."

"Just shut the fuck up and lay still you little shit, that or I'll fuckin punch you hard."

"Please Fox I'm begging, just stop"

"Fuck you Alex as you wanted me as some sex toy, you wanted to get into my head then use it against me. Well maybe I might just use you first for a fuckin change."

"Fox please I never wanted you like a toy, I respect you too much"

"You lying piece of scum, you don't respect anyone at all and just fuck everyone over."

Shit I wrapped my hand around his hard cock, suddenly I felt more turned on than ever before.

"If you don't want me Alex why have you got a hard on then?"

"Please Fox I don't want to hurt you, but this is the last time I will ask you to stop."

The last thing Fox remembered was the sudden pain in the side of his head, then nothing only darkness.

XXXXXXXXXX

Oh shit I couldn't believe it, I'd just hit Fox and knocked him out cold.

Why now as I'd always controlled myself before, well I had never seen Fox this bad fuck what would I do now as I knew. He would wake soon, I carried him onto his bed and lay him there while I went in search of what I needed.

By the time I returned he was beginning to stir and I had no choice in what I did, in no time at all I had the cuff's around one of his wrists, I attached the other to the bedpost.

I removed the cartridge from Fox's own gun and placed it on the drawer, then I walked into the kitchen and poured a stiff drink. I suspected I was going to need it as I sat and waited.

Fuck I'd only sat for about ten minutes and was drifting into sleep, I was jolted awake by the screaming coming from the bedroom.

I walked into the bedroom and saw Fox, he was sat on the bed pointing the gun at me.

" You fuckin bastard Alex, release me right now. "

" I am sorry Fox but I can't do that "

" You do it now Alex, or I swear I will shoot you."

Fox aimed the gun at my head and pulled the trigger, he then realised the gun was empty.

" I hate you Krycek "

" You really think that I was stupid enough to leave it loaded?"

" You murdering scum, what are you going to do Alex kill me, like you killed my father? "

Fox threw the gun as hard as he could at me, however I saw it coming and managed to duck out of the way, the gun landed somewhere behind me.

" Look Fox I will give you some time alone to calm down as we need to talk, it's time we sorted a few things out, I have plenty of time so call me when you have calmed enough to listen. "

I walked back into the room and sat back on the couch, Fox started calling me over an hour later so I went to him.

" Fuck it Alex, I guess the only way I'll get rid of you is to listen to your bullshit and lies. "

" Look Fox no lies just the truth, please listen and try to understand.

" Just get the hell on with it Alex. "

" When I came to work with you I was an idealist and wanted what was right, certain people told me you were posing a threat and had to be dealt with. Fuck what an idiot as I believed every word they said, when I met you something just clicked, if you want honesty I idolised you for who you were. I know that everyone called you spooky, but you just ignored them.

You were so passionate in your work and belief's, do you remember the night I shot Cole, yeah I bet you do, I believed he had a gun Fox I thought you was about to die, that's when I realised I loved you. I had no choice as it was you or him, but believe what you want, Cole was the first person I had ever killed and it was for you."

" Shit Alex what can I say, you really are in love with me? Well either that or you need a strait jacket, personally I'd go with the second option"

" Please Fox just listen to the rest, then ask questions or just take the piss out of me. "

" Sorry just get on with it my arm hurt's cuffed here like this."

" Then there was the Duane Barry incident, I was given an order not to let you reach the top of the mountain. You Fox were the one who decided to climb out and I never wanted you to get hurt. Please believe that, anyway everything went to hell as you trusted me and I blew it big time, however I guess it's the death of your own father that matters most. I was sent to spy and report back to Cancerman what you had learned, when I heard someone coming towards the bathroom I hid behind the shower curtain. That's when I heard the shot and saw your father die, shit I had to run as I knew you would blame me. You always blamed me for everything Fox, so please just promise you will think about it all "

" Okay I will think about it, but I won't promise anything Alex "

" I know you despise me and think of me as a cold blooded killer, but I only killed in self-defence. "

" All I wanted Alex, was for you to be honest "

" You want the truth Fox I love you, I have followed you and kept watch so can you begin to imagine how I felt when you brought that man back here, shit I wanted to kill him as you were so drunk and he took advantage. I thought you might regret it later, taking back the first bloke who looked at you."

" Okay I admit that was stupid, but you tried to help and all I did was try to rape you."

" Look I don't hold that against you, however if you ever fucked me Fox I would want it to be love and not rape."

" What makes you think I could ever love you Alex?"

" I really don't know Fox however this time I'm going away for good, I guess I just wanted to let you know before I went.

" Fuck Alex please don't cry as I don't know what I want, look I need some thinking time."

" Its okay Fox, you don't have to explain to me anymore "

" I never said to go, I want you to do two things' for me Alex. "

" If I can I will Fox, I owe you so much "

" First I want you to promise not to run away and return in a couple of days, when I have had some time to think. Secondly, please remove the cuffs before you leave."

I guess he'd saved me from getting myself raped, ha and also from raping him. So I guessed I owed it to him to at least hear him out, then hopefully we could both move on with our lives.

XXXXXXXXXX

I returned, home to my apartment, I knew the next two days' would be extremely hard. I spent those day's drinking vodka and trying hard not to think about what Fox might decide. Shit I didn't want to get my hopes up, I knew just how much rejection could hurt in life.

I swore to myself that I wouldn't spy on Fox, however I couldn't help myself as I needed to know. I turned on the monitor to find Fox looking so thoughtful and unhappy, fuck it I just drank some more and turned it off.

Finally the day arrived that I promised to return, I was now totally sober and presentable and all I had to do was wait.

I kept my word and at eight pm I knocked on his apartment door, I found myself stood there and waited for it to open. Fox stood there and looked amazed I'd shown up, maybe he thought or hoped he'd never have to see me again.

"Sit down Alex while I get us a drink "

I was quiet and sat on the couch while Fox got us a stiff drink, I felt like I would need it as I had to be honest and tell Fox everything.

"I know you have told me about all the things you have done Alex, believe me I've thought about nothing else for the past two days. Shit my own motto throughout life was to trust no one, however I find myself trusting and believing you.

I have a lot to consider in my life and by right's I should cuff you and turn you in, let Skinner deal with you and sort it all out."

I lost track of what Fox was saying, I couldn't help but start shaking at the mention of Skinner.

"I know you don't like Skinner Alex, but look at it from his point of view as you were an F.B.I. Agent one of us, yet you betrayed us all.

Hell I'd started to like you and even trust you, it's hard after been betrayed to trust again. Anyway back to the point, like I said I believe that you are now been honest.

I know what my father was in the past and that he was no saint, however I need my own life back Alex. I have a job that I took leave from so you see I am taking you serious.

I have no grudge for you handcuffing me to the bed as that was my own fault, you saved me and I had no right attacking you like that. All I want to know now Alex is what you really want from me, why did you kiss me that night anyway?"

I sat there for a few minute's thinking, also deciding where to start.

"Shit its hard knowing where to start Fox. Yes, I was watching you that night and I felt you was making a big mistake, you might not believe it but I was looking out for you. I really wish thing's had worked out different between us but I can't change the past, I'm just trying to deal with the here and now."

I grabbed the glass and drank the content's in no time.

"I've tried to explain myself to you and I'm so tired of everything and feel alone, there was a time I liked been alone it was a lot easier. Then I met you Fox shit you ask what I want from you, I don't know maybe for you to stop hitting me and to see me as a person. I know it's hard for you as you just see me as a cold blooded killer and nothing more, shit I'm human and I have feeling's, you wanted honesty Fox Well I will be honest then."

I sat watching to see how Fox was taking it all before I went on.

"I love you Fox and have from the first time I met you, guess I fucked up everything as usual but I couldn't believe it when you attacked me. I could have let you do it but I wanted you to really want me and love me, not hate me and rape me.

I'm really sorry for hitting you and cuffing you but you left me little choice, you don't realise I have spent so long resisting the urge to touch you. Guess I couldn't help myself when I kissed you, I really don't know what else to say Fox. "

" Please listen to me Alex and understand as I do have feelings for you, I guess I have had for a while now. However, you must realise nothing could ever become of this, we are opposite's I work for the F.B.I. have the X file's along with my career."

I couldn't stop the tear's running down my cheeks.

" Please I don't want to upset you Alex, I have realised that men turn me on more than women, shit I really find you gorgeous, but hell I felt bad after I tried to rip your clothes off.

I thought it was just another game, lure Fox in get him hooked and dump him.

However I can tell looking at you that your intention was never to harm me, all I can promise is to try to stay out of your way and not hit you anymore. I do see you as a person as you Alex have shown me the real you, I think you should finish the drink and get yourself home. "

I sat there and suddenly I couldn't stop the tears, I'd learnt that Fox had feelings for me, but nothing would ever become of them. The tears turned to deep sobs as my whole body shook, I lost all control then as I felt an arm around me.

"It's ok Alex just let it all out and cry, it will be okay you're strong."

I felt Fox close and breathing against my lips, he was so close and before I could stop myself I turned towards the mouth of the man I loved. I started to kiss Fox with passion and love, it was then that I realised Fox was kissing me back. I couldn't stop, I wanted him so much and this just felt so right.

Suddenly Fox pulled away from me, it was like he'd realized he was doing something wrong. I could no longer hide the look of pain on my face, I had to get out of here.

"I hope you have a nice life Fox, just remember someone really did love you."

I‘d returned to my car knowing I would never have the one person I loved, shit what was the point to it all. I stopped off to buy lots of vodka and drove home.

I realised that even the word home was a joke, I'd had no real place of my own for so long, and worse no one to share a home with. My home was wherever I managed to sleep, sometimes even in my car. However at least anywhere was better than that dam silo.

I'd planned to get very drunk and just blot out everything, even if only for one night the pain might go away.

XXXXXXXXXX

Before I could answer Alex had fled the apartment, I knew by his departing words that I'd never see him again.

I felt like a huge part of myself had died, shit maybe I was lying to myself as because right now I wanted Alex more than anything in my life.

I tried to get my own life back on track, it was hard knowing what Alex felt for me, my mind kept going over and over everything. I believed Alex really loved me, I'd seen the pain and hurt in his eyes.

I realised that no one had ever really loved me before, but deep down I knew I also loved Alex. I believed that if I kept lying to myself eventually the pain would ease.

So here I was back at work listening to Scully, not that I'd heard a word she said.

" Mulder I don't know what the hell's wrong with you, however you could at least listen to me. "

" I'm sorry Scully, I just had a bad night but I'll be okay. "

I tried to sit up straight and concentrate on the file in front of me, just then the door opened and I looked up to see Skinner grinning.

" It's not often we see you down here Sir. "

" Well Agent Mulder I thought you might want to know it's your lucky day, now you have one less enemy to worry about. "

"Sir everyone take's the piss and call's me Spooky Mulder, I have many enemies' so go on which one is it?"

Skinner looked at me and smiled.

"Only your number one enemy, the one and only Alex Krycek."

I felt like I'd been hit by a ton of bricks; I knew that I had to pull myself together to find out what had happened to Alex.

" So what happened to Krycek then Sir? "

" From the blood test results it appears Krycek consumed a very large quantity of vodka, I'm amazed he managed to walk let alone drive. "

"Please sir just get on with it."

"Well it appears that Krycek made it to his car then drove it straight into a brick wall, there were no skid marks or anything to show he tried to avoid it."

"So you believe he just wanted to die Sir?"

"It appears that Krycek had wanted to die yes."

Shit I knew that I had to ask, however I was afraid of the answer.

"So Skinner did he manage to die then?"

"I know its hard Mulder and you hate him but Alex Krycek is still alive, he suffered two broken ribs, internal bleeding, oh and plus a fractured skull."

"So will he live Sir?"

"We don't know Mulder, the hospital will know more if he wake's from the coma."

" Sir I feel really sick suddenly, look I'm sorry but I need to go home."

"That's to be expected Agent Mulder what with the death of your Father and everything else, just take the remainder of the day as sick leave and rest."

"Thank you Sir."

I grabbed my jacket and drove straight home where I then just lay on the couch, I knew Alex had tried to end his life and I also knew it was because I'd rejected him. Shit I it was only now I realised just what I was throwing away, I loved Alex so much and the pain would never go.

I must have cried myself to sleep as when I opened my eyes it was evening, shit I realised I'd not even asked which hospital he was in, I grabbed the phone and on the third attempt I finally managed to locate Alex. I showered and drove over to the hospital, luckily it wasn't that far at all.

I was greeted by the Agent who sat outside the door, of course they still wanted Alex for questioning.

"Look Agent Taylor I was visiting someone here, why don't you go and take a break I'll stay and watch him."

"Are you sure you don't mind Agent Mulder?"

" No it's fine, just be back in one hour."

"Thanks Agent Mulder, I will see you in an hour and I really appreciate this."

I was pleased to have rid of the other Agent, no one would question me as I was doing a job. The smile vanished when I entered the room and saw the man on the bed, I couldn't take in the sight of all the cut's and bruise's, I sat beside him on the bed and held Alex's hand.

"What did I do to you, that's what you meant when you told me to have a good life, you planned to end your own. So you would never have to see me again, do you remember the kiss we shared Alex believe me I wanted you so much.

Shit I thought it was for the best to reject you, I saw the hurt in your gorgeous eye's Alex and I turned away from you because I wanted to cry.

It wouldn't have helped matters if you thought I was weak, please Alex wake up for me as I need you more than you know. I don't want to stay here or live without you, I was such an idiot and now realized just what I have lost."

I bent and kissed Alex ever so gently on the forehead then left the room, I waited for the other Agent to return and then I drove home, where I just lay on the couch as I was just so tired.

Shit over an hour later I was still awake, I kept playing images over and over of Alex. What the hell had he been thinking to do that to himself, God I so wanted to see those gorgeous eyes' open once more. Fuck who was I trying to kid as no one even knew if Alex would awake from the coma, I finally cried myself in to a very restless sleep.

I went to work and tried to act like my normal self, I visited Alex for a couple of hours every single day. I just sat there talking to him, not knowing if Alex could even hear me or ever would again.

"Shit I swear I'll find a way to sort this mess out as I need you Alex, hell I know I will never be able to live without you as I love you so much."

I rose from the chair I was sat in I then bent and kissed Alex on the lips, after I could do nothing but play the waiting game.

I knew I had to keep the promise I'd just made to Alex, the first problem would be Skinner and Scully to go and deal with. I returned to the F.B.I headquarters' and retrieved all files relating to Alex Krycek, shit this was hard as when I opened the file I saw the photo of the man I so deeply loved. I tried not to cry as I remembered back to when Alex was my partner, I took what I would need and set off to see Skinner.

I knocked on the door and heard the baritone voice telling me that I could enter, I entered and sat down not knowing where the hell to start with all of this.

"Sir I need to know if there's anything at all we can charge Krycek with? I have checked all the data but all the evidence seems to be circumstantial and he appears to be an innocent man."

"I know that it hurt's Agent Mulder because of your Father and I do feel sorry for you, as much as I dislike Krycek do you really think this is a good idea?"

"Sorry sir what do you mean?"

"Shit Mulder you're planning to arrest a man who may never even wake up again, you have to let go of the past despite what he did he's still a person Mulder. By the action's he took that day I would say Krycek has had enough of everything and was ready to die."

I couldn't believe it as Skinner was defending Alex despite the past, I just sat there taking it all in.

"Look if you want the honest truth just let it go as the man has suffered and paid enough for his crime's, we could question him over and over again and find nothing on him, not enough for a prison sentence anyway."

"I am sorry for all the questions sir, I needed to know if he had any chance of a normal future that was all."

"I'm sorry but no we can't hold him for anything at all, you are not the only one to have looked into this Mulder and if Krycek wake's he will be a free man."

"I'm not sorry that he will be free, Alex is in the coma because of me as it was all my fault."

Skinner looked at me like he was totally confused.

"Sir I know this will be hard for you to understand, but I want him to have a future and for that future to be with me.

I'm sorry if this come's as a shock but I am in love with Alex Krycek, he will always come first and I am willing to quit my job for him."

Skinner sat in silence for a while just watching me, I was waiting for the worst case scenario possible.

"I'm shocked but I won't lie to you Mulder, I have no control over your personal life and as Krycek is not a wanted man there is no need for you to quit.

You're a good Agent and I just wish Krycek had turned out the same, just one more thing before you said he crashed the car because of you, I take it he's also in love with you then?"

"Yes sir, but I was all messed up and I rejected him."

Skinner stood and held out his hand towards me, I grabbed hold of it and shook it.

"We will get through this Mulder and I will help in any way possible"

"Thank you sir."

I left the room and couldn't believe how well Skinner had taken the news, I visited Alex and went home to think of a way to tell Scully.

I arrived for work to find Scully already there, so I decided to be careful and let her know of Alex's condition as I had to know how she felt towards him.

"I thought you might want to know Scully how Alex is doing; his body has healed well over the past two months but he remains in the coma."

"As much as I dislike what he did Mulder, I'm a catholic and believe everyone deserves another chance, Krycek is strong and I believe it will be his inner self that decides his future."

"What do you mean by his inner self?"

"He needs a reason to live Mulder, his mind will be weighing up the reason to live or die."

I could feel the tears run free as I sat in the chair covering my face, that was when I felt Scully put her arm around me and hug me tight.

"It will be okay Mulder you have to get over the past, stop hurting him all the time as you only hurt yourself. I love you like a brother and it really hurts me to have to see you like this."

I hugged Scully back and then told her what I'd told Skinner, however as I felt so close to her I told her everything even all the things I couldn't tell Skinner.

"I fucked up Scully when I picked up some bloke one night, let's just say I was nearly raped. Alex saved me and tried to help me see who I really am and do you know what I did in return, I attacked him and tried to tear his clothes off and rape him, I wanted him but hated myself for feeling this way."

"Its ok Mulder tell me in your own time, I take it you never did rape him?"

"I'm sorry Scully it's just hard to talk about it and no I never raped him, do you know why I never did it. Alex knocked me out otherwise I might have done it and do you know what he said to me Scully, he would only let me touch him if I did it out of love and not hate."

"So Alex really must love you Mulder and want love in return."

"We talked he admitted he was deeply in love with me, we kissed then I told him we had no future and to leave. Alex told me to remember there was someone who had loved me, shit Scully he drove straight into that wall because I never wanted him and rejected him. I put him in that coma."

"Fox Alex is a fighter so just give it time, but I can't stand in your way if you really love him. I told you that you're like a brother and I will stand by you."

"Thanks' Scully that means so much to me, I want him to wake up to tell him I love him. Hell his last thought about me would be how I rejected him."

"Look if you really want to do something Mulder you need to find a way to free him from Cancerman, do something good with the time and make a future for him. You know that myself and Skinner will be right behind you to help, you only have to ask either one of us."

"Thank you so much Scully it means so much to me."

"It will take some time adjusting to you and Alex as a couple, however I promise for you that I'm willing to deal with this."

I worked the rest of the day and just tried to keep my mind on the job, I knew at least I had two really good friends as the lone gunmen didn't worry me at all. Hell they thought everything I did was wacky and way out there anyway.

Later that day I visited Alex again to find no change, I never spoke to him that night as I just sat crying for over two hours before I kissed Alex and left.

Scully was right and I still had her and Skinner plus I still had my job, nevertheless which did leave the bastard who claimed to be my own Father.

I took a couple of day's leave to sort out all the people in my own life, now I had to sort out the people in Alex's life, people who would want him back.

The sheer thought of having to speak to that cancerous bastard made me feel really sick, I knew I was left with no choice if I wanted Alex to have a shot at a normal life.

I spent the following day very busy as I'd hired four safety deposit boxes and bought four large padded envelopes, shit I never even knew if my plan would work. I then visited four people giving each one a key and instructions, after I was done I went for my daily visit with Alex.

Now all the cuts had healed Alex looked peaceful and just asleep, I just sat there and talked for a while.

"I love you babe please wake up for me, shit I need you here with me, you look gorgeous Alex now you no longer have that dumb ass haircut.

I have to go now as I have a future to plan and people to see, a future for me and you Alex."

I kissed Alex tenderly on the lips and left.

One hour later I was sat in a room opposite the one man I really hated.

"Good evening Agent Mulder and what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Look cut the crap you as know I hate you, so let's just get to the point shall we."

"Go ahead Fox as I'm interested to know what brings you here."

"When Alex wakes from his coma he will no longer belong to you, he will never work for you again do you understand me?"

"Look Fox I don't know who you think you are, but Alex is one of mine and will always work for me."

"Do you think I'm that stupid just to expect you to agree?"

"No Fox, I believe that our bloodline is very strong."

"Don't start over again with all that as far as I'm concerned my Father is dead, I take it you heard about me catching Alex in Hong Kong. Well Alex had the data tape and was selling the information to stay alive, he gave me some of that same information if I agreed let him go.

I was holding onto it for the future and the future is now, that information is now in four safety deposit boxes and four people all hold a key."

"You are bluffing Mulder, you have nothing."

Mulder knew by the look on the other man's face he was unsure.

"Do you understand you sick black lunged bastard, if anything happens to myself or Alex I'll kill you myself. I have left instructions to all four people to open them if the time comes, so maybe it might be in your best interest to look out for us both."

I stood and prayed I'd got away with the lie, I managed to reach the door when Cancerman next spoke to me.

"You can have it your way Fox and no one will harm either of you, what does it matter as Alex is as good as dead and may never wake up. I just don't understand what's it matters to you anyway."

I turned to face him and wished the man would just curl up and die, however I held my ground and spoke.

"First it's not if, it's when he wakes up as he's not dead yet, secondly the reason I'm helping Alex is because I love him and that's what lovers do, help one another."

"You really believe Alex is capable of loving you?"

"Fuck you, I see what he never lets anyone else see."

I opened the door and walked out, the smell of the smoke and that cancerous bastard was making me feel sick.

XXXXXXXXXX

Fuck my eyes feel so heavy and I have to force them open, I could hear a female voice telling me how pleased they are that I'm awake. I force my eyes open once more but shit where the hell am I, okay calm down my vision clear's and I see the nurse looking at me smiling.

"I will go get the doctor to check you out and tell you what happened."

I just lay there waiting and wondering what had happened to me, finally the doctor came.

"Good day Mr Krycek it's good to see you're awake and with us, we were worried about you due to the length of time you were in the coma. Well at least the rest of your injuries all healed while you slept, we will run a few tests' when you feel up to it so I suggest you just rest."

"Gee thanks' Doc like I need more rest."

The doctor just smiled and left. Shit I realise I'd not listened to a single word he said, fuck it I suddenly remembered everything, the kiss along with the rejection. Shit I can still feel the deep pain in my chest and it hurts really bad, I call the nurse over as I start to panic.

"Do you know if there were any visitor's during my time here?"

"Yes Mr Krycek you had an F.B.I. Agent here every night, but that's all I know."

I thanked her and she returned to her job and I knew that I had to get out of here, when I'm left alone I search my locker to find someone was looking out for me. A full set of clean clothes and hell even my leather jacket was clean, I dress and slip out away from the hospital unseen.

My guess is that Cancerman left the clothes as the bastard would want me back, I know I never listened to the Doctor but suddenly I feel sick again. He'd mentioned a car crash, broken ribs, yeah right like my ribs were broken as that would have needed weeks to heal. Well no time to dwell on that right now, at least if I find Cancerman he will give me a job to do I guess.

XXXXXXXXXX

I realised I‘d left my mobile on the desk at work, upon arriving at home I decided to check my messages and I couldn't believe it. The hospital had left a message for me, Alex had awoken from the coma so I grabbed my keys and headed off to see him.

"What the fuck do you mean he's not here, where the hell is he?"

"Please calm down Sir and we'll tell you all we know."

I tried to calm down but how the hell could I with Alex gone.

"Mr Krycek awoke a few hours ago and he spoke to the Doctor and a nurse, however when we went to check him the room was empty. He seemed to be in a world of his own and not paying much attention, however we did let him know he had a visitor here every night."

God I suddenly felt sick, maybe I was the reason that Alex had run.

"Who did you say his visitor was?"

"He had been told that someone from the F.B.I. had been here."

Shit Alex will think we planned to arrest him if he woke up, three months of waiting and still I can't see him. God Alex is one hard man to find, when he disappears so I knew this would be near impossible.

I got everyone to help yet nothing, Alex Krycek had gone again as usual. I was left with no choice but to return to work so I was occupied, it was to be three weeks, before I would see that gorgeous face again.

XXXXXXXXXX

I really missed Fox but I had to move on, I finally caught up with Cancerman but was even more mixed up as he just told me to go away as I was of no use to him anymore.

"What the fuck do you mean, why now?"

"Alex you know I think a lot of you, but someone bought you out and secured your freedom."

"What no one would ever do anything for me, just tell me who the fuck it was and I'll go."

"You are a very bright boy Alex you can work it out for yourself."

Fuck what would I do now, I contacted some of the people I had met from my past as I would need to work or go mad. All I thought about was the kiss and Fox turning away, I wish I had died that night as I would give anything for the pain to end. I found myself offering my services to anyone who would have me, for a bit of money also just for something to do.

Three weeks later I found myself in the passenger side of a truck on the way to a warehouse. I kept telling myself it was just another job as the van had slowed down. Yet the next minute there was loud shouting and a load of gunfire, the driver had tried to speed up and lost control.

Oh shit I'm sat here unable to get away and surrounded by fed's, however I only heard the one voice over all the commotion.

"Exit the van with your hands up, out of the van now."

I knew I had no choice but to get out of the truck, I threw my gun out of the window and opened the door as I knew I had to move slowly or they might shoot. It was dark and hard to see the face because of the helmet, but I knew the voice of that man anywhere.

"You bastard Alex, you fuckin bastard I should just kill you right now."

The pain exploded in my stomach as he hit me with the gun, I then looked up into the face of Fox Mulder.

XXXXXXXXXX

Fuck I knew I‘d hit him hard but deep down I believed Alex had used me, just fucked me over again as usual. I went to cuff him but never expected the outburst I got in return, Alex was like a cornered beast kicking and screaming me.

"I hope you have a hard on you bastard, it's the only way that you ever get them Mulder. You're a fuckin bastard so just take your hands off me and stay away."

"I can't believe you Alex, it should be me who hates you."

"I hope you do hate me you shit head because I fuckin despise you."

"Alex just get in the car please or I will use force."

"I bet you can't wait, your one sick little fuck Mulder.

I pinned Alex down and cuffed him, I then dragged him into my own car.

" I need your help Scully; you are the one person I really trust at the moment."

"I don't understand Mulder what do you want from me?"

"Look just tell Skinner I am sick whatever as I'm taking Alex away for a few days, I will tell him that it's a safe house make him think he will be safe there. He might calm down Scully if he believes me, if I take him in he will die and we both know that."

"Look personally I think you are taking a big risk Mulder but I will agree, nevertheless I want you to take some sedatives with you to use if he gets too much. Do you understand me Mulder don't think twice about using them, also you have to phone me every day?"

"I can't thank you enough Scully for giving me this chance."

"Just be careful Mulder as you know he can be dangerous."

"I will but I have to at least try as I really do love him."

Alex was so pissed at been stuck in the car handcuffed, When I returned he could not even bring himself to look at me.

"We are going to a safe house Alex for a few days, no one can get to you there okay."

XXXXXXXXXX

Oh fuck no a few days just us together I knew this will kill me, to be with him but unable to touch him.

"Hey Mulder when I was young they taught me how to build a wall in my head, just block everything out and that's how I survived. Well guess what, that's what I will be doing for the whole fucking time I spend with you."

"Well Alex if you think that you are so clever at building walls just answer one question."

"What Mulder you think I won't do it?"

"Why not block me out then the night you tried to fucking kill yourself."

"You bastard I swear you are my curse in life, you think you have a smart answer for everything. But it won't work I can block you out you just watch."

I closed my mouth and remained silent. As Fox parked the car and got out, he made me walk in front of him. Hell he wasn't even going to leave me in his car, he dragged me with him into his apartment he then just packed a bag, also he phoned Scully to say thanks and then Fox fed his fish.

"Right Alex it's time we left."

I was starting to get very worried by Mulder, shit I just wish I had some idea of where we were going as I might even have a chance to escape.

"The middle of nowhere Alex, so don't you even think about escaping or getting away from me."

Fuck Fox is really spooky as I never even spoke out loud, shit what was it he said, the middle of nowhere well I guess I'm well and truly fucked.

XXXXXXXXXX

I knew Alex was starting to panic and that he was not at all happy, I led Alex to the car and made him get in as he tried protesting.

"Well let's go the middle of nowhere here we come."

I drove away from my home not knowing if I was even doing the right thing, only time would tell. It took over five hours to reach the cabin that Scully had arranged for us both to stay in, I was pleased as it was very secluded and that I'd only had to stop once on the journey here. When we entered the cabin Alex was left cuffed and I told him to just sit down on the couch.

"I want you to listen to me Alex and know you will be safe here."

"How the fuck can I be safe when your here Mulder?"

"Look Alex you can do this the hard way if you want, however I will hide my mobile and keys, so don't get any ideas of escaping."

"Fuck you Mulder."

"I will remove the cuff's shortly if you calm down but a word of advice, attack me and I will use whatever force I need to deal with you, not that you would survive outside anyway as it's freezing."

"Fine whatever, but just because I'm here with you doesn't mean I have to talk to you or fuckin like you."

I removed the handcuffs and showed Alex where his bedroom was, all I got in return was the bedroom door slamming shut on me. Great I knew it would be a long week, but if this was not sorted out soon I knew that I would never see Alex again.

I tried everything but two days later Alex still refused to speak to me, I was getting totally pissed off now and had to do something. Alex was in the kitchen just sat drinking his coffee, so I decided now was as good a time as any as I walked into the kitchen and shut the door behind me.

"It's time to talk Alex as this has gone on long enough."

"Just move Mulder, let me out of here."

"Do you ever just shut your mouth and listen?"

"You remember that night you brought that bloke back all you wanted was a fuck nothing more, same as when you ripped my fuckin clothes off. That's all you want a fuck toy, you can fuck me and shove me away when you've finished, well I won't be your fuck toy Mulder."

"Jesus Alex is that what you really think of me, you really think I want to use you."

"I would rather take my chances out there than be here with you, as you think you can just fuck me and fuck how I feel. Well I've had enough of all this so why don't you just get it over with, fuck me and let me go."

Alex pushed me out of the way really hard, and headed for the shower.

I knew it was over and I could do no more so I phoned Scully and asked her to drive over, I knew she'd booked herself into a hotel close by. Good old Scully always there when I needed her, I had about two hours before she would arrive so I walked into Alex's bedroom and waited behind the door, with my handcuffs.

XXXXXXXXXX

I had a quick shower and I knew I had to escape, I wrapped a towel around my waist and went to my room to dress before I tried to leave here. Fuck the next thing I knew I was being forced face down onto the bed, then I heard the click of the cuffs.

Fuck it, I realised I was handcuffed to the fuckin headboard as I then felt the towel get yanked away, leaving me naked and exposed.

"Please Mulder, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Shut the fuck up Alex, you told me to fuck you and let you go. Well guess what, that's exactly what I plan to do."

I felt the cold liquid against my ass, shit I nearly jumped off the bed as Fox shoved two fingers straight up my ass. I felt those same long fingers hitting my prostate over and over again then they were gone, shit my own cock was throbbing hard and painful.

"I will not rape you Alex, this can end right here right now, do you want me to stop?"

I realised I had to go through with it, if this was the only way that I could feel my beloved Fox inside me once more.

"Please Fox don't stop, just fuck me."

I felt the tip of Fox's cock at my entrance followed by intense pain as he entered me, this soon turned to pleasure as Fox rammed into me setting a rhythm, suddenly I felt Fox grab my cock and start jerking me off.

Fuck what with the hand on my cock and Fox deep inside me I shuddered and cried out as I came, I also felt the heat explode inside my ass when Fox came only seconds later.

I felt the weight of Fox against my body and I never wanted this to end, five minutes later I felt the weight leave me and I was alone again.

XXXXXXXXXX

I stood looking down at the gorgeous naked body on the bed, however I knew I had to keep my word and let him go.

"Alex I'm going out for a couple of hours as I need time alone, Scully will be here soon and will release you from the cuffs. I have left my car keys on the table, please Alex just make sure you have left when I return."

I walked into the living room, just as Scully arrived.

"Look I am really sorry for bringing you here Scully, it's just I will need a lift home, Alex has my car keys and will be gone soon."

"I am sorry Mulder but I really don't understand this, I thought you loved him."

"Believe me I love him with all my heart, but I can't force him to love me in return."

Scully handed me her car keys so I could go for a drive, I had no intention of watching Alex walk out of my life for good so it was a little bit easier this way. I got in the car and wondered where to go, so be it as I'd just drive around for a couple of hours.

XXXXXXXXXX

I lay there on the bed as I heard the door open and saw Scully, she walked over and freed me from the cuffs.

"Alex are you okay, I just need to know if you have any feelings for Mulder at all?"

"I love him but he doesn't love me, shit he even waited to arrest me at the hospital Scully."

"Alex will you please hear me out before you leave, if you still feel the same way and leave no one will bother you again I promise."

"Fine just say it so I can leave here."

"I will be as honest as possible but I will have to start from the beginning, is that okay?"

"Whatever, but it won't change anything."

"Firstly you and Mulder are as stubborn as one another, I know about Mulder taking that man back to his apartment and you helping him. I also know he blamed you and hurt you but please correct me Alex if I get any of this wrong."

"No, what you said happened."

"Well anyway you went to his apartment to sort things out and ended up kissing, he asked you to leave then he rejected you Alex and never even looked at you. Mulder let you go Alex because he believed it was the right thing to do, when he knew he would never see you again it really hit him hard as he realized he was and is in love with you."

"He really loves me Scully, he never told me."

"Mulder returned to work and tried to get over you but I guess he never did, the next time he heard your name mentioned was to say you had crashed your car."

"I'm sorry for that but I couldn't live without him, nor did I want too."

"He drove straight to the hospital to see you Alex, it was not enough that you had broken bones and other injuries as you were also in a coma for three months"

"Shit I never even realised"

"Well Mulder visited you every single day because he wanted a life with you, he even warned me and Skinner that he would quit his job if he was forced to choose.

You came first before anyone or anything, he even made sure there was no crimes you could be charged with. But do you know what else he did Alex, hell he even went to Cancerman to secure your freedom."

I sat there crying unable to take in all I heard.

"I am so sorry Scully but I swear I never knew."

"Do you know every time he visited you that he kissed you and told you he loved you, however when you woke you just vanish and go back to your life of crime. Mulder believed that you had never loved him and that it was all a game to destroy his mind, to finish him totally."

"What the fuck have I done I never knew, I swear Scully, that night he rejected me and did not want me so I went home and drank myself stupid. I got totally pissed and wanted to die so I went for a drive and when I woke up in a hospital I never even listened to what I ‘d recovered from, I thought about Fox and the rejection and just wished I‘d died in that crash.

"So why did you run away Alex?"

"Shit he had rejected me and when I was told about his visits, hell I thought he wanted to arrest me and I'd rather die than face prison so I ran."

"So the big question now Alex is do you still want to leave him?"

"How can I leave now, I need to see him and sort all this out."

XXXXXXXXXX

I returned from my drive over two hours later, shit I saw my own car and knew Alex had not left. I wanted to just drive away but I couldn't just leave Scully to deal with Alex, I entered the cabin to find all quiet and Scully sat on the couch waiting.

"Look Mulder it's too late to drive back tonight, I will come back in the morning so just phone me."

I let her go as I knew she was right and it was too late at night to make the five-hour drive, fuck that meant Alex must be in his room still avoiding me. I was so tired and knew that I would need some sleep, I went to my own bedroom and drifted into a deep sleep.

I awoke sometime later to the sound of crying, that meant Alex was here in the room with me. Shit I couldn't cope right now with this so I lay there unmoving and quiet.

"Shit I don't know where to begin, I am sorry for everything, the car crash, running away, I swear I really thought you planned to arrest me when I woke up. I couldn't face prison or you rejecting me so I fled, I did not realise I was in the coma so long as I just woke and everything hurt so my heart was breaking all over again. My life's nothing without you as you're my life, I love you Fox more than life itself."

I'd heard every word, shit what a mess this all was.

"Please Alex we both fucked up big time and pushed one another away,

Just come and lay on the bed with me as I love you so much."

Alex came over and lay next to me as his body shook and the tears flowed,

I held him close stroking his hair and cheek.

"We need sleep Alex but I promise I will be here in the morning; how can I leave when I have the person I love more than anything right here."

I lay just holding Alex until sleep finally claimed us both.

I woke early and had managed to get some sleep but shit I missed my own couch, I realised if Alex was going to stay with me I'd have to sleep in a bed, once again. I looked down at Alex who was slowly starting to wake up, I'd noticed that he'd clung to me all night like he was scared I'd just disappear.

"Alex are you awake?"

"Will you kiss me so I know this is all real and your still here?"

I bent down over Alex and found his lips, the passion got the better of me along with another part of my anatomy. Shit my cock was screaming out for attention as I lay with Alex on the bed and closed my eyes overwhelmed by everything.

Suddenly I felt Alex's warm mouth wrapped around my cock as the pace increased, I knew I wouldn't last long but then I felt empty as Alex moved away.

"Fox do I really turn you on all the time?"

"Fuck you really need to ask, please Alex I'm desperate here."

Great now I felt really guilty, I knew Alex was insecure and needed to hear me say it.

"Look you remember the airport at Hong Kong how I waited for you to turn up,

shit when you turned around I nearly came just watching your cute ass

and when I pushed you against the phone, shit I was so hard so are you happy now?"

XXXXXXXXX

I looked into Fox's eyes and knew it was all true and yes, I had felt Fox in Hong Kong.

"How did it feel Fox when you cuffed me to the bed and fucked me, because that's what I plan to do right now."

I pounced on him but stopped real fast, the look on Fox's face was one of total fear and nothing else. I thought for a minute or two then I suddenly knew what was wrong, how had I being so stupid.

"You've never gone that far with a man have you Fox?"

"Shit I have only kissed men Alex, you were the first man I had any real sexual contact with."

"I swear Fox I won't hurt you, we can go as slow as you want or do something else. Hell we have plenty of time in the future for cuffs and whips."

Shit I shut my mouth real fast before I scared him anymore.

"I want to do this, feel you deep inside me. I love you and trust you so just get on with it."

"Hmm my bossy lover your wish is my command."

I made sure that I used plenty of lube then I shoved my finger into him, Fox lost all rational speech as I felt for his prostate. I guess I'd had one or two lovers in the past and could make Fox feel good.

XXXXXXXXXX

It was a deep intense pain then it was gone as I felt two fingers deep within me working like scissors to loosen me up, fuck I was going out of my mind as my prostate was hit again and again.

Then I felt the tip of Alex's cock penetrate me, but then the pain turned to extreme pleasure fuck it felt so intense. Shit my head along with my cock would explode soon.

Then I felt Alex grab my cock and jerk me off, he also came seconds later deep within my ass.

We both lay there quiet for a while, until Alex spoke:

"Fox talk to me, are you alright Lover?"

"Fuck you want to know if I am alright, that was the most amazing sex in my life Alex."

"It works two ways babe believe me, come on we can have a shower then eat."

Maybe going for a shower together had not been such a good idea, I found myself hard again just from the sight of Alex's naked body.

I spun Alex around and fucked him harder than I thought possible, I realized that he turned me on more than anyone ever had. I'd come to the conclusion some time ago that I was gay, also that Alex was the only man I wanted.

"Fuck me harder Fox."

We both came again for the second time that morning. Alex made bacon and eggs for breakfast while I was ordered out of the kitchen due to my wandering hands, soon we both finished eating and both moved to the couch.

"If we want this to work we have to be honest, no more lies and no more job's Alex, you are free from that line of work."

"I'm willing to try anything as I don't want to mess up what I have, you gave me my life back Fox and without you I would have been dead within a year."

"I promise we'll work together Alex."

"I'm supposed to a trained assassin to look out for danger, shit that day in the airport I thought I was being watched but after seeing you earlier I was like jelly, if it had been anyone else I would have been dead."

"I have to return to work soon so we need to pack and leave, please Alex come home and live with me as I love and need you."

"Shit I don't know what to say, yes Fox I want it more than anything."

I couldn't wait to have someone there who loved me for who I am, it would finally feel like a real home and we'd work everything out as long as we had one another.

XXXXXXXXXX

Fox had returned to his apartment along with myself and all was going well, we'd talked a lot and had fantastic sex, we even had Scully over for dinner and I thought that my life was perfect.

I seemed to have adjusted to been here with Fox and was happy, I was quiet at times, but I'd never really had anyone in my life or a real home for that matter.

Then came the day Fox and Scully had to go away on a case, two whole nights without Fox well I would have to make the most of tonight before he left.

"Do you fancy going to bed Lover?"

Fox looked happy and was in the bedroom in minutes.

"Strip for me Fox and lay on the bed."

Fox undressed and lay naked on the bed, within seconds I had him secured and cuffed to the headboard.

"Do you want me Fox?"

I started kissing him then licking his neck, I was highly amused as I bit Fox's nipple and he started begging.

"Please Alex just fuck me, I need you NOW..."

I enjoyed teasing him and for the next two hours we made love, afterwards we both lay there panting and out of breath.

"I love you Fox and I'll always belong with you."

"I love you too Babe as you hold my heart in your hands, I will always belong to you."

"Will you just cuddle me and hold me Fox?"

"I am sorry Alex but the answers no."

"Please Fox why won't you hold me?"

"Because my dear beloved, you've left me cuffed to the fuckin bed."

I realised and slapped Fox on the thigh, I unlocked the cuffs and we just held one another. I never wanted morning to come, all alone for two whole days and nights.

XXXXXXXXXX

I awoke to the sound of the alarm clock, five am and I had just two hours before Scully would arrive. I showered and dressed to find Alex was still fast asleep, I kissed him and told him that I loved him then left, shit it was going to be two very long days.

I phoned Alex three times a day, I also knew by the sound of his voice that Alex was suffering and missed me too. It just went to show how quick you get used to having someone there, well especially after having no one for years.

We had even talked for a couple of hours on the second night as I missed Alex so much, I told him that I would be home by seven tomorrow evening.

The minute I entered the apartment Alex was there, I soon realised that Alex was clinging to me and was refusing to let go.

"Alex I know you missed me but please tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Shit nothing, is that all you have to say?"

"I guess I just got used to you been here, I just felt so alone without you Fox."

"I'm here now Babe but I need a shower after the drive, you can join me if you want?"

"I have dinner to make Fox as we need to eat."

Alex went into the kitchen and left me just stood here, I went for a shower but I felt like something was really wrong.

Alex had made lasagne for dinner and we ate in silence, afterwards we both sat on the couch just cuddling and holding one another. I could feel Alex's hand inside my shirt, fuck he was playing with his nipple. God Alex knew how to turn me on, I jumped up and grabbed Alex's hand and pulled him up.

"Come on Babe it's late let's just go to bed, I will just turn everything off and be with you in a minute."

I walked into the bedroom to find Alex already in bed and under the covers, I undressed and climbed into bed putting my arm around my lover.

"Alex are you ill or something?"

I waited so long, great no reply at all.

"Alex Babe please answer me."

"No I am fine just tired, please just go to sleep Fox."

"Hell Alex if you're not ill why do you still have your tee shirt and boxers on, shit you even have a thick cover over you."

I hugged Alex close to me and I could feel him shaking, I also knew that Alex was crying.

"Alex will you please talk to me?"

"It's nothing Fox."

"Fuck you Alex, I need a glass of water."

XXXXXXXXXX

Shit I knew that I'd fucked up and needed to talk to Fox.

Fox returned and leaned over to kiss me but that kiss never came, Fox had cuffed me to the bed and then I heard the safety catch on the gun.

Shit I started to panic and then expected the worst, it wasn't like I could even get away.

"Calm down Alex I overreacted with the gun, Alex look at me please as the gun has gone now. I am so sorry Babe I never meant to scare you Alex as I would never shoot you, however the handcuffs will remain until you talk to me."

When Fox got no reply he was starting to get look pissed off, what the fuck had I gone and done.

"I have really had enough so please just talk to me Babe."

I lay there crying and unwilling to talk to him at all.

"Okay I guess whatever's bothering you I will have to work out myself, how I see it, you hate me and don't want me near you or you are hiding something?"

Shit when I still refused to reply Fox acted, within seconds Fox sat on my legs pinning me down. He took both his own hands and instead of hitting me he tore my tee shirt away; Fox then froze at the sight that greeted him.

Fox removed the cuffs and hugged me as tight as he dare under the circumstances, he couldn't control the tears. Then suddenly Fox got up and left the room to return with the first aid kit, he then cleaned every cut covering the deepest ones up first as he just stared at me.

"Please Babe I am begging here, come back to me and talk to me."

I couldn't even bring myself to look at him, I just wanted to build a wall and block him out for now.

"Please Alex I know that you're in there somewhere, just come back."

Suddenly I snapped out of it and realized Fox was talking to me, I was destroying him with my ways.

"Welcome back Babe, please don't ever leave me again like that as I love you so much."

I threw my arms around Fox and wouldn't let go.

"Please Alex I need to know what happened, who did this."

"I went for a walk and it was someone I used to know."

"Why did they hurt you babe?"

"They said I was a pansy boy now, not a real man anymore."

"Does that bother you Alex, people knowing that you're gay?"

" Shit no Fox I have been gay nearly all my life."

"So why couldn't you tell me then about all the cuts."

"Because I thought if you saw them you would no longer want me, or even love me."

"I still want you Alex and I love you no matter what, you once said your mine and believe me I will always belong with you, shit I still have the bite mark on my ass to prove it."

XXXXXXXXXX

Alex started to cry, shit I knew he was insecure but for someone to attack him on top of it all. I'd kill the person if he ever got hold of them.

We spent a while just enjoying each other and making love before falling asleep.

I was sure Alex was okay now and he seemed a lot happier, I got up for work as usual but before I left my mobile rang, fuck some new lead had come up on the case and I had to go away again, how the hell could I leave Alex after last night.

"Alex Babe wake up; I need you to listen to me."

"I am awake and listening, what's up Fox?"

"The case has had some sort of development, I am sorry but I have to go back out there, but I will stay here if you really want me to."

"Fuck Fox it's your job and you have to go, I can look after myself for just one-night Fox."

We shared a long deep kiss then I had to leave him all alone again.

I couldn't believe my luck as we'd dealt with the case in less than half a day so I could go home, no having to sleep over so I was going to phone Alex but decided to surprise him instead.

A couple of hours later I arrived home and walked in to find Alex sat on the kitchen floor, shit all I saw was the blood all over his hand.

"Shit Alex what the hell happened?"

I walked over to take a look and clean Alex up.

"Please its okay Fox, I just slipped with the knife and it's not that bad."

I kissed Alex and led him to the couch.

"I swear you will have to be careful, or my lover will look like a mummy soon."

"I'm okay and just tired."

"Tell you what you go and have a sleep, while I nip out and get some beer."

"Just promise you will be back soon?"

"I promise.

Alex went to have a sleep, while I decided to go and visit Scully.

I explained the best I could to her about Alex, also why he was starting to really worry me.

" I need your help Scully and want you to cover for me in the morning, shit just tell Skinner I am sick or something."

"What are you planning Mulder?"

"Look when I know what is going on I will let you know; I could have phoned myself but Alex must think I'm at work."

I thanked Scully for all her help then kissed her and left, I then went to call at a shop for beer on the way home.

When I entered the apartment all was quiet, so I pulled out a microphone and set it up in the living room and was careful to keep it hidden, I then put the listening device in my jacket pocket.

It was a very quiet evening as we ate and had an early night.

I got up at the normal time as I had to make it look like I was going to work, just another normal day, I knew I'd have been no use to any one at work anyway.

I had one image playing over and over in my head, Alex sat on the kitchen floor with the knife. He claimed that he'd slipped while using it yet I remembered the scene, there had been no food out at all so why did he have the knife.

I kissed Alex, told him I loved him and then I just left as normal.

Once in the car I turned on the listening device but a few hours later I was starting to feel fed up, I'd heard Alex get up and the usual noises kettle etc...

Maybe it was time to call it a day and go home, I could tell Alex that I'd finished early. Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by the loud shouting, fuck it never even sounded like Alex at all.

"That's right Alex just keep cutting as I'm nothing, I'm not worth shit and Fox could do so much better than me as I'm a worthless lying bastard.

Fox would be better off if I were dead so come on give him his life back, I am a man just a few more cut's that's all and Fox will soon forget all about me."

I was so scared as I turned the car around and sped home as fast as I could, driving far faster than was safe but Alex's voice had been so cold, shit I was just so worried as to what I might find.

I refused to wait for the elevator and took the stairs two at a time and got my breath back as I entered the apartment very quietly, I was going to be careful in case Alex reacted badly to my presence.

Fuck when I entered Alex was sat holding the knife, he was also covered with a lot of blood.

"Alex I'm home, it's me Babe so put down the knife and come to me please."

"You don't understand Fox its better this way."

While Alex was talking I had made my way as close as I could get, I then grabbed Alex's hand and bent it so he dropped the knife. I would never leave him again not while he was like this. I hugged Alex and located my mobile so I could make a call, I phoned Scully while Alex clung to me like a frightened child.

"I am so sorry Fox sorry for all the lies, please Fox don't stop loving me."

I wanted to cry as Alex was so mixed up and needed my help, I realised that Alex had never even been attacked, he'd done every single cut himself.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Alex can you look at me, please Babe just look?"

"Sorry."

"Its okay Alex I know you are sorry, listen do you really love me Alex and want me to be happy?"

"Yes of course I do Fox."

"To make it fair Alex I love you, can't live without you, you end your life and I will end mine, do you understand me Alex?"

"Yes, but don't do this, I never want you to hurt yourself Fox."

"Alex I am hurting right now, I can't stand to see you like this, so you hate yourself Alex, shit you had to do things to stay alive, you made one mistake and that trusted Spender's lies; I love you Alex and will help you I promise."

"Please Fox I can't go to hospital, shit I worried about a cold prison cell, I mention aliens, and I will get a nice padded one instead"

"No Alex I will take some time off work and help you, hey you can be my prisoner, how does that sound."

"If I'm to be a prisoner Fox, I still want sex and to make love to you too."

Fox kissed me over and over again, I really hadn't wanted to hurt Fox like this and wished I could control my own impulses. The doorbell rang, I watched as Fox opened the door to Scully.

"Thanks' for coming over, please Scully can you just treat the cuts without saying too much, I promise we will talk later."

"That's fine Mulder, just please tell me this is not your handy work"

"Shit Scully I love him, but he is sick and need's help, Alex inflicted all the wounds to himself, I swear it was not me, Please Scully not now."

"Okay Mulder but call me, when you want to talk."

I'd heard the two of them talking quietly and knew it was about me, I also knew I'd now have to deal with Scully as well. She treated my wounds and gave me something for the pain, once she was convinced we were both okay she left. I just felt so sick and drained at the moment, I also needed some time alone to sort my head out.

I'd gone to lay down the painkillers were made me really sleepy, shit I was so frustrated, over the past few years there was only one person I'd ever wanted.

Alex Krycek the biggest fuck up walking, hell I had what I wanted but was pushing Fox away, finally I switched off the light, and tried to block out everything

XXXXXXXXXX

I knew that I had a hard time ahead of me, shit how could I make Alex understand, I wanted and needed him more than I'd ever wanted anyone. I knew I had to find a way unless I wanted to lose him for good.

I finally decided to go to bed and even in his sleep Alex clung to me, I could see Alex's face in the light from the window and my heart ached at the sight. Alex was like a sleeping angel, so innocent and young looking.

I was going to do the best I could for Alex, deep down however I was scared that my best wouldn't be enough.

"Kiss me Fox?"

"I thought you was asleep."

"Just kiss me please Fox. I need to know that you still love me?"

I gave Alex a long deep kiss and finally I had to stop to draw breath, I was trying to convey the feelings I felt towards him.

"Make love to me Fox."

Shit I cringed as it had sounded like the voice of a young child maybe that was it. Alex had resorted to the needs of a child, well I knew I'd would have to be cruel to be kind if it meant helping him.

"Alex you keep telling me I can do better, yet you want me to make love to you, why?"

Shit I knew Alex was sobbing as I felt his body against mine, he was trying his hardest not to cry out loud.

"Please Fox, I really don't want to be alone."

" I'm here Alex and will always be here, you are not alone babe you have me and

I love you so much."

I held Alex close and stroked his hair within minutes he was fast asleep, I lay there, wide awake thinking about everything. Deep down I believed Alex thought I wanted him just for sex, Alex had spent most of his life alone, living in the shadows.

I realised the problem was not the silo and alien shit, it was Alex, he was unable to handle the fact someone loved and wanted him. I had to make him learn what it meant to have someone love him.

I loved Alex and cared for him but the man believed he was not worth it, the time to deal with all this was now and not later.

The next morning I made coffee and sat down with Alex.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Look if you want me to help you Alex you need to talk, tell me how you feel, why do you think that you are unworthy of love?"

Shit I'd realised I hadn't answered Fox, I had to talk now. That or Fox might give up on me forever.

"You know who I worked for Fox, I was just a toy to be used when needed. Then I'd just be put away, to most of them I was a killer or fuck toy depending on what mood they were in. Do you know how it feels to have to suck a cock, or take a bullet in the head if you refused? I'd be passed around to be fucked or kill for them, whichever they wanted."

"So you believe no one can love you now Alex?"

"I was trained in the F.B.I. and sent to work with you, I had heard about you before I met you and believed their lies. After a short time I learned my place and was trapped as it was far too late by then, work for them or die that was the only choice I had."

"You never had a choice Alex, shit you can't class that as an option. You're not to blame, obviously Spender had you right where he wanted you."

"Yeah but to me it was just another job until I saw the photo of you, shit it may sound stupid but I swear it was love at first sight. The first day I met you I was so relieved that I was wearing that crap suit, if I had been in my jeans you'd have noticed the hard on straight away."

"So you are saying that I turned you on from day one?"

"Yeah but I swear you hated me as you ditched me all the time, shit when I looked at Scully I was so envious, all I wanted was for you to notice me."

"I did notice you Alex, but I was so messed up at the time."

"Well I swear after I shot Cole, you really saw me for who I was. I remember the look you had on your face and the time you ran you hand down my arm.

I'm sure you can imagine what that did to me Fox, nevertheless it all went wrong. Shit I had to go back to the life of a killer and a whore, I hated the fucking consortium and all the bastards in it."

I took a deep breath and realised I'd been shouting, shit I really would need to calm down and maybe reliving the past wasn't the best idea...

"Its okay Alex I want you to let it all out, just take the time you need as I'm here for you."

"We kept bumping into one another, do you really think I was incapable of hurting you? Shit that came out wrong, I am incapable of hurting you because of love, not because of how weak I am.

I took punch, after punch but could not hit you back Fox as I knew I loved you, shit I am such a sad fuck, while you beat me I just thought of us together.

Hell at the time, I never even knew if you liked men sexually that is, then you hit me shit I felt what was in your trousers."

I went to get a drink then returned, my nerves were on edge and I was finding it all so hard.

"Okay I can't say I know what it was like for you, but we need to move on. I love you Alex and you claim to love me, so why do I need to find someone better?"

God Fox really couldn't understand how he'd be better off without me, I had to make myself seem cold if that's what it took.

"I am nothing Fox, don't you get it, and I'm just something you'd wipe off your shoe or leave in the gutter leave to die not help. If you love me Fox, you are a bigger idiot than I thought."

"Is that what you want Alex? For me to say I don't love you, hell so you can just walk away, instead of dealing with it. Well fuck you as it will never happen, I LOVE YOU so fuckin deal with it."

Fuck this he hadn't listened to a word I'd just said.

"I'm going to make a coffee."

XXXXXXXXXX

I sat there in silence and decided we'd at least made a start, Alex had opened a bit more letting me into his head. Fuck the biggest problem was making Alex realise just how much he was loved. Maybe some caffeine might help, I went in to the kitchen to make coffee and froze.

Shit Alex had his back to me, but I could see the knife he held in his hand. Okay maybe we hadn't achieved anything during our talk, I just wasn't sure I was cut out to deal with someone with this degree of problems.

"Give me the knife Alex please."

"You fuckin idiot Fox, I'm not worth it, please just let me die?"

I walked towards Alex and spoke softly to him, I just had to get in his head and make him listen.

"Do it Alex kill yourself, cut your fuckin wrists open if that's what you really want."

Alex's head snapped up and his eye's met mine, now I knew I'd have to be crueller than ever.

"Do it, but believe me, the minute you do it and drop the knife, I will use it on myself. I have never lied to you Alex, so believe me I will do it as I need you."

The knife fell to the floor and Alex fled from the room, I decided it might be safe to hide the knife and put it away, I walked towards the bedroom door and could hear Alex in there crying.

Shit something just snapped inside me, I knew that I couldn't handle this anymore, I just needed some space Shit I loved Alex so much, but this was not the Alex I'd fallen in love with.

I also knew if we remained with each other Alex would end up killing himself, shit I couldn't win, stay or go Alex still might end his own life. It was like he was on a path to destruction no matter what, that or I might end up having a nervous breakdown myself.

Over an hour later I'd made up my mind, I entered the bedroom and walked straight over to the wardrobe. Soon I found what I was looking for as I grabbed a bag, I then started to fill it with my own clothes.

"Fox what are you doing, please Fox, I need to know?"

"Leaving Alex, why what the hell does it matter to you anyway?"

"I need you Fox, please don't leave me alone."

"I will be staying in a hotel for a couple of nights, shit Alex I need to sort my own head out."

"Please Fox I'm begging you, don't go, shit I need you here, please don't leave me here!"

I couldn't take any more of this and didn't want to listen, I couldn't stop my own mouth as I lost it.

"Your pathetic Alex and you're not even the man I fell in love with, big assassin , hit man , trained killer, take a good fuckin look in the mirror Alex,

You're a pathetic big baby and I have had enough of you, fuck even Cancerman was right to get rid of you. I did everything even blackmail so we could be with each other..."

Suddenly Alex threw himself at me and wouldn't let go.

"Please Fox I love you so much."

I just wanted Alex off me and far away from me, shit I couldn't even stand his touch at the moment. I ended up doing the one thing I swore I would never do again, I grabbed Alex and punched him hard before shoving him on the bed.

"Just fuck off Alex, hell maybe I might find someone better than you."

Before Alex could reply I grabbed the bag and left, slamming the door behind me.

XXXXXXXXXX

I lay on the bed and heard the door slam shut, fuck I was alone again and it was all my own doing.

I went to clean the blood from my face, then went and lay back on the bed.

Fuck Fox fuck them all, I didn't need any of them. It was okay as I could put the wall back up, block it all out.

I sat up on the bed scared more now than ever, the sudden reality of every feeling I had within me. I found that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't block them out, I lay there sobbing overcome by the deep pain in my heart. Shit by blocking everything out in the past I'd lost Fox, lost everything that meant anything to me.

I had to accept Fox had never lied to me, and must really love me as he had done so much to help. I believed Fox leaving had forced me to face my own feelings.

For the first time I felt alive, and wanted to talk to Fox. I got the phone and started calling all the hotels as I had to find my lover and get him back. I'd finally managed to trace the hotel where Fox was staying, however I decided to give Fox a couple more hours alone, to calm down, fuck I did not want to get punched again.

I showered and dressed but felt naked without my gun, it was okay as I knew where Fox kept everything, I grabbed my car key and went to find Fox.

XXXXXXXXXX

I just sat in the chair, at least it was quiet and I could now think, properly. Fuck how could I have been so stupid to hit Alex and then tell him I might find someone else, I knew there would never be anyone else my heart ached for Alex as I loved him so much.

I had a friend who had helped me when I was low myself, I decided to call him for advice as I trusted his judgement on this. Mike arranged to meet me later that same evening, I was glad because this would need to be dealt with and fast.

I decided to get some rest until then, however I just lay on the bed thinking about what Alex had said. Shit had Cancerman really just used and abused Alex like that, no wonder he felt like he was unworthy of love. I couldn't even imagine how it must have felt, having all those dirty old men force you to do what they wanted. To have a gun held at your head, knowing if you refused it would be the last thing you ever did.

I knew that I needed help and couldn't do it alone, I had to do everything in my power to get Alex back.

XXXXXXXXXX

I parked my car in the large hotel car park and just sat there thinking, I was about to get out when I saw Fox getting into his own car so I waited then followed him.

I knew how to trail someone as I'd done it so many times before, Fox finally pulled into another car park so I waited then pulled in. it was dark so I stayed in the distance unseen and just watched Fox, God how much I wanted him. Then Fox was gone as he entered a bar, shit did he think getting drunk would help?"

I followed him inside and it took a few minutes to locate Fox, shit I wished I'd not found him. There Fox was sat in the corner drinking with another man and sitting very close to him, I started to struggle for breath and had to get out of here. I ran back to my car unsure of what to do, my whole world had just fallen apart in front of my own eyes.

I couldn't cope with the pain and wanted it all too just end, I had sat in the car watching them hugging. Shit I couldn't take any more as maybe Fox had found someone better, I climbed out of the car and walked up to Fox.

"Well, I see you found someone better than me, to love you Fox."

"Alex."

"You look surprised to see me, can't I have just one kiss before I leave you behind."

Fox stood there in shock, I guess he hadn't expected me to follow him or catch him out. All I'd wanted was one last kiss, yet Fox just stood there staring at me. Well fuck this, I lifted the gun and pointed it at my own head.

"Goodbye Fox."

Fox just collapsed on his knees in front of me, I knew I couldn't do it and dropped the gun. Shit I could see the pain within Fox as he remained on his knees sobbing, I then bent down and kissed his head as I hugged Fox close to me.

"God I'm so sorry what have I done? Fuck you tried so hard for me Fox and I drove you to this."

I noticed that Fox was far beyond everything, it was like he'd retreated into a world of his own.

"You must be Alex, look please we can talk later, let's just get him in the car shall we?"

I left my own car and would collect it later, I helped the other man get Fox into the car and then sat holding him while the stranger drove us home. When we entered the apartment I lay Fox on the bed and lay beside the sobbing man until he fell asleep, I then went to see the bloke that Fox had appeared to be getting close with.

"Thank you for getting us both home, just one question, who the hell are you?"

"I have known Fox for years Alex and he needed my help, he wanted a shoulder to cry on and advice."

"Advice about what?"

"Fox wanted to help you Alex as he loves you so much, hell he thinks he will lose you. He doesn't know how to cope with things too well and has had problems in the past. His own family never taught him how to deal with things, look all I ask is that you look after him and be there for him. He needs you now to understand him, I think you both have a lot of issues to work through together."

"Thanks for everything I will have to sort this out, shit I always get everything wrong."

I thanked Mike again and saw him out of the apartment, I then went back to Fox just to hold him in my arms.

"I don't know if you are listening, or can even hear me Fox, I am so sorry I just wanted to die when I saw that man. You made me feel again Fox to understand myself, I love you so much that it hurts... You did everything to give me a life, and I fucked up, you have never ever lied to me Fox. Hell if you still want me I'm here, I love you babe so much."

I fell asleep holding onto my lover, I was scared that I might wake to be alone once more.

XXXXXXXXXX

I felt Alex moving, then I was greeted with the most gorgeous green eyes. I'd remembered Alex talking the night before.

"We belong with each other Alex and I won't let go. I love you and we've been far away from each other for far too long."

I wanted Alex as my lover and wanted to sort it all out, we eve decided to seek professional help and things were good for a few months. I was really starting to think Alex was now more stable, he'd settled and we loved each other so much. I guess that was it had been such a shock that morning, Alex had shown no sign whatsoever that anything was wrong and then I found the note.

Dear Fox

This is hard for me to write believe me, I love you but can't be with you anymore.

Shit I don't even know if I am making sense, don't get me wrong as we should be with each other. It's not you Fox, it's me I'm just feeling lost and I can't explain it. I guess it's the pain of just waiting.

Fuck I am waiting for the day you realise who I am, the longer I stay the harder it will be when that day comes.

Just remember I love you so much.

Please find it in your heart to forgive me.

Alex xxxxx

I will never forget you, my sweet Fox. xxxx

XXXXXXXXXX

Far Away Part Two

One year later :

I knew that things were not going well on this case, shit four dead men all left to blead to death. No leads, nothing except that all the dead had been gay men.

I now found myself sat outside a gay bar doing a stakeout alone, I knew it was against all F.B.I. regulations, but I wasn't known for doing things by the book. I sat watching as everyone came and went, it was then that I recognised the man stood at the entrance of the bar.

Tall, dark hair, and dressed all in black, fuck he was still gorgeous. No I wasn't willing to take that line of thought, why was I even thinking of Alex in this way after everything between us. I'd given him everything, even my fuckin heart.

I climbed out of the car and followed Alex keeping a safe distance, up ahead Alex had stopped to tie his shoe lace. That was when I saw my chance and took it, pulled out his gun and aimed it at the man I loved.

"Turn around slowly Alex, with your hands in the air."

"Well look who it is, long time no see Fox, are you here to fuck me over or kiss me, then again you could just shoot me?"

"You bastard, after what you did to me I should shoot you, oh and as for fucking you over, that can be arranged, believe me."

"Fox it was over a long time ago, just walk away."

"I don't think so Alex."

I searched Alex removing his gun, I didn't think he'd shoot me but better safe than sorry. Shit then my cock leapt into life as I felt along his gorgeous body.

"Fuck you Fox, just finish it."

"Its okay thanks for the offer, but I would rather fuck you."

"Fox, you're one sick man."

"Drop your trousers and underwear Alex now."

" Fox have you lost your mind?"

I aimed the gun to the right of Alex and fired.

"No Alex my mind is working fine and so is my aim, next time it will be you so drop them now. You screwed with my head and fucked up my life, now you will pay Alex for breaking my heart."

"Please Fox don't do this, its rape, shit you will regret it later."

I knew what Alex said was true but a part of me wanted this, I knew that I couldn't stop now as it had gone beyond that, I removed the safety catch and waited.

"Last chance Alex, fuckin drop them now, if I shoot you people would believe me over you."

I watched as Alex stared at me, he then started pulling his clothes down.

I realised how gorgeous Alex was and I'd missed him so much.

"Bend over that bin now Alex."

I walked up behind him and felt the body I'd missed for over a year now, I stroked his backside then grabbed his cock.

"Alex you're still soft, do I not turn you on any more like I once did?"

I felt the soft cock stir in my hand, then I let go of Alex and put my hand over his mouth, my other hand found Alex's secret hole and I shoved a finger in hard.

"Scream Alex and I will kill you, do you understand?"

"Please Fox no stop, don't do this."

"Look you little fuckin shit, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

"Yes I fuckin understand."

I couldn't help it as I hit his prostate, I knew his cock had gone hard but I had other things planned right now, giving Alex release was not one of them.

I removed my fingers and used the pre cum from Alex, I then shoved my cock in hard. Alex tried so hard not to scream, I just made sure I kept my hand tight over that pretty mouth.

It felt amazing inside Alex, the heat tight around my cock and I knew I wouldn't last long, I grabbed Alex's cock and decided to jerk him off at the same time.

"Nice to see I still turn you on Alex, I always knew deep down you were nothing but a fuckin slut."

I fucked Alex harder and harder, until we both climaxed, I then realised just what I'd done. Fuck I'd just raped a man, and not just any man but only the one I claimed to love. I pulled up my pants and fastened them back up, shit it was then I realized that I could hear Alex crying.

"Get up and go home Alex, I'm so sorry for what I have done please forgive me."

"You should have just shot me Fox, I don't think you realise just what you have done to me, so you go home and think about it Agent Mulder."

I watched as Alex turned and walked away, I was too scared to even help him after what I'd just done. I returned home, what had I just done I was a fuckin F.B.I. agent.

I'd raped Alex the man I still loved so much, I'd wanted him and I realised I'd him once only to lose him. Why did he have to be so gorgeous, fuck I then realised my cock was hard.

I was a sick man getting hard over the man I'd just raped, shit I'd wanted Alex so bad and had even committed rape to get him.

The next morning I phoned in sick, I wanted a week's leave effective straight away. I could not face anyone, I made no plans and just lay there thinking, I knew I was just going to go over and over it until I went mad.

The phone woke me from the restless sleep, I'd known it would be Scully so I explained that I needed sometime alone and no he did not need her to come over.

I went back to sleep on the couch, shit I refused to sleep in that bed without Alex as there were too many memories.

XXXXXXXXXX

I'd gone back to what passed as my home at present, I had no one to talk to about Fox, hell Fox was the only person I'd ever had. He wasn't here to listen, I was all alone as usual.

I knew that Fox had raped me and nothing more, there was no love as he'd, forced himself on me. Shit it had hurt so much and I had to bottle all my love for Fox up, as I wasn't willing to let anyone get away with raping me not even Fox.

Well Special Agent Fox Mulder revenge would be sweet, and entertaining, I'm guessing you feel bad about yourself Fox? Especially to take a whole week off work, at least I was still good at hacking into personal files at the Hoover.

I entered apartment forty two with great ease as I still had a key, I found Fox asleep on the couch and I never gave him time to move, within seconds I'd shoved the needle into him.

Fox opened his eyes when the needle entered his arm, he then jumped up when he saw me hovering above him, however I just pushed him back down.

"Sit Fox because within a minute or two you will be out cold."

When Fox was out cold I set to work, I removed all the rubbish from the bed making it useable once more. I then managed to drag the sleeping form of Fox onto the bed, well let's just say I took great pleasure in undressing him, playing with his nipples then his cock. God how I wanted to fuck him more than anything, to feel my cock deep inside his warm tight body.

That would have to wait as I wanted Fox awake to have the pleasure, I cuffed Fox to the bed so that he wouldn't be able to attack me. Shit Fox was so gorgeous and I loved him so much, fuck then I remembered that night so long ago when I'd cuffed Fox.

I went to my car and parked it away from the apartment, I then grabbed the shopping and walked back to wait for Fox to wake up.

"Well look who has decided to wake up."

"Let me go Alex now."

"Shut up Fox, do you really think you really are in a position to tell me what to do?"

"Please Alex, oh God I'm so sorry."

"Shut the fuck up Fox after what you did to me, I swear piss me off and I will kill you."

I removed all of my own clothes and stood there naked, I could see the look of fear on his face and I felt in charge.

"I am going to fuck you Fox and I will watch that pretty face while I do it."

"Fuck no Alex, please I'm so sorry."

I never answered him as I pushed Fox's knees up and shoved a pillow under his ass, then I opened the lube ready to fuck him, all I got in return was Fox kicking me off the bed.

"So you want it the hard way Fox."

"Fuck you."

I left the room only to return with another needle, however I couldn't wait again while it took effect. I was as hard as hell and wanted him right now.

"Alex why are you looking at me like that?"

I never even answered him, I grabbed him by the throat and pressed until he passed out. I'd done it many times and knew what I was doing. By the time Fox came around he was face down, I guess I wouldn't get to watch that gorgeous face after all.

When Fox came back around I pressed myself along his back and bit his ear gently, I was just making a point of letting him know I was ready.

"I want… oh fuck please, I just want you to stop Alex please."

"Too late Lover, well they do say payback can be a bitch."

I parted his ass cheeks, I then sat with the lube in my hand before throwing it on the pillow.

"Fuck you Fox, you had the chance to do it the easy way, now we do it the hard way."

I was pissed of that Fox had kicked me off the bed and wasted time, my cock was like stone yet I forced it into Fox hard.

Fox started to scream until I shoved the pillow into his mouth, I knew Fox must be extreme pain but I no longer cared.

"So fucking tight Fox, have you not had any for a while? Shit I bet you spent a whole year missing me, well I am here now to fuck your hot tight ass."

I reached and grabbed Fox's cock.

"Come for me Lover, you know that you want me."

I pulled my cock all the way out then went to shove it back in hard, I jerked Fox off and as Fox came so did I.

I removed the pillow from Fox's mouth, when I rolled off I saw the tears.

"Why cry Fox? I only did what you saw fit to do to me."

I licked the tears away and kissed him, shit at this rate I'd be hard again in no time.

"Fuck I still have memories of that sexy mouth around my cock, shit you would bite it off now."

"Fuck you I hate you, I HATE YOU ALEX."

"Fox calm down."

I shoved just my jeans on and grabbed the key and my gun.

"I will need to take the cuffs off to move you from the bed, behave Fox until I put them back on."

I removed the cuffs from the bed and fastened Fox's hands together with them, I then led Fox to the toilet, then the kitchen.

"Sit Fox while I make coffee, just do as I say and you'll be okay."

"I never wanted to hurt you Alex, please believe me. I wanted you so much and we was good once just the two of us."

"Fox I have you here as a prisoner, of course you would say anything to make me let you go."

I decided to make some scrambled eggs to go with the coffee, I kept my eye on Fox at all times.

"I'm going to make us some food Fox, so eat it or I feed you."

"Look Alex I have done what you want, can I please have some clothes?"

"Sorry lover but I like the look of you as you are, hey maybe if you be good I might buy you a collar and lead."

"You sick fuck, you expect me to walk around with no clothes, just to please you."

"Well you see dear Fox, you won't be doing a lot of walking around, and I plan to keep you in bed for a few days. Well you did phone in sick at work, I guess I get to play doctor as that sounds like fun."

I cleaned the kitchen and looked at Fox, surprisingly he'd sat there quiet for once.

"Come on Lover let's get you in the shower and back to bed."

I led Fox to the shower and turned on the water, then I made Fox get in. I removed my own jeans but kept hold of the gun, soon I joined Fox in the shower and was as horny as hell once more. I was non to gentle as I shoved Fox against the tiles, then I caressed his body

as I felt every muscle in his gorgeous body tense up.

"Don't worry Fox I won't hurt you next time if you behave yourself, get down on your knees Fox as I want you to suck my cock. If I feel those teeth I will shoot you."

I was pleased that Fox actually did as he was told, but I knew from experience a gun to the head can do that.

"Please Alex I do love you."

"Shut up Fox."

I dried us both and led Fox back to the bed, I then lay next to him until he fell asleep, I then held him close in my arms. I couldn't believe what I'd done with the gun, shit I'd had it done so many times in the past and knew the effect it could have.

"Why did you rape me Fox? Shit I would have given myself to you if you'd only asked. fuck what have we turned into Fox, there are times I wish I was still here just to hold you every night as I love you so much Fox."

I fell asleep not letting go of Fox.

XXXXXXXXXX

I'd heard every word but hell I only had myself to blame for all of this, I knew I should never have raped Alex, I'd forced him to do this because of my own actions. The next morning I woke up alone, then I saw the note on the pillow.

Dearest Fox

Gone for supplies, I will be back soon.

Be a good boy, as you can't escape.

Love

Alex xx

Great alone and Alex leaves me a note, shit what was with the love, and kisses. Well I was left with no choice but to wait as I couldn't actually go anywhere.

Sometime later left with my own thoughts I was glad to have Alex return.

"Good morning lover did you sleep well, I have bought you a present."

I remembered Alex's words from the night before, I believed Alex still really love me and maybe it was time to play him at his own game.

"So Babe what present did you buy me then?"

I knew by the look on Alex's face that calling him babe hurt, Alex must still really have feelings for me.

Alex pulled the collar from the bag and fit it around my neck, for some reason I was starting to feel really turned on.

"Well Fox you call me Babe, so you are trying to piss me off, or you really are a slut?"

I watched as Alex undressed, he was already hard and I knew this would be over in no time.

"Fuck it Fox, you are really turning me on at the moment, God I could fuck you to death."

Alex climbed on top of me, he then slapped me twice hard across his thigh.

"I will have you this way Fox, and watch that pretty face, kick me of again and it will hurt worse than last time."

Best was that I knew Alex meant it, at least this time he applied plenty of lube to himself and my ass. Once he was fully sorted he then shoved it into me hard, I needed to come but didn't want to like this as Alex would have won.

"Enjoy yourself Fox, I want to watch you come for me Lover."

I spat in his face, then turned my head away from him.

"I will never enjoy it Alex, so just finish it."

Alex grabbed the bag and removed something, he fitted the cock ring onto my hard weeping cock.

"So you don't want to come or enjoy it? Good this way you don't have to,

however I can guarantee by tonight you will be begging to come Fox."

Shit I knew that Alex was right as he rammed in to me hard, he worked up a rhythm and soon came inside me. The bastard then looked down and planted a kiss on the end of my very hard and painful cock.

"You bastard."

"Fox Lover, you were the one who never wanted to come so we might as well go and eat then."

I found myself back on the kitchen chair, I was going to die if Alex touched my cock again.

"You're very hard Fox, especially for a man who doesn't want to come."

"Alex please don't do this, I'm so sorry for what I did to you, I wanted you then and I want you now, please Alex remove the cuffs and let me make love to you."

"Do you think I'm really that stupid, you hate me and want me to let you go?"

"Please Alex I want you, hell I love you so much."

Shit I was grabbed by the hair and returned to the bedroom once more.

"Please Alex, why can't you just listen to me."

"Shut the fuck up Fox as I don't want to hear the lies, or you're fuckin mouth again."

"Please Alex I love you and I know you love me."

I knew straight away that I'd gone too far, Alex punched me in the mouth hard and then grabbed the gag out of his bag, within seconds he'd shoved it into my mouth.

"Look what you made me do Fox, I told you to shut up now I've hurt you."

Alex left the room slamming the door shut, shit I wondered what I'd do if Alex had gone as I was unable to shout or move, hell I couldn't even come, soon I just cried myself to sleep.

XXXXXXXXXX

I loved Fox but had hurt him, maybe I should leave now and let him go! Fuck it I decided to wait around for a while instead.

I knew when all this was over that I would never see Fox again, I bent down and removed the gag before cleaning the split lip that I'd given Fox,

I then kissed him on the lips, shit suddenly I realised Fox was kissing me back.

"Fuck me Alex please, I need to feel you inside me."

"What's up Fox, am I good enough now you have no one else?"

I removed my clothes and lay with Fox, I used plenty of lube and made Fox loose, and then I let my cock slide deep inside him.

Fuck it felt so good, but I knew it would be the last time. Shit I had to let Fox go as I felt the hot tears on my own cheeks as I came.

Fuck I'd only ever cried with Fox, I knew I had to get away as I was falling apart.

"Shit Alex you wanted me to beg, hell I am fuckin pleading with you, remove the cock ring."

I realised I'd forgotten about Fox, I grabbed his cock and made him come within seconds, shit Fox had shouted out my name as he came.

"Alex please listen I love you."

I could take no more.

"You don't get it do you Fox, I know you will say anything, to make me release you. I won't hurt you as I have always loved you Fox, I just can't stand the pain of you having to lie to me."

I left the room and returned yet again with a syringe.

"Oh fuck no Alex please not again, I didn't do anything wrong this time, please don't put me to sleep again."

I bent down and gave Fox a long hard kiss, I lingered as I knew it would be the last one I ever gave him.

"I'm not going to hurt you but just put you to sleep, when you wake up you will be free, no handcuffs and no me."

"Shit no please I'm begging, I don't want you to go as I love you so much."

I injected the contents of the syringe into Fox, I never even gave him chance to carry on protesting...

"No more lies Lover it's over, you don't have to tell me you love me Fox, just sleep then I will be gone for good. I will stay until you fall asleep and I'm sorry for everything, just remember I still love you."

Fox managed one sentence before he fell asleep.

"I love you Alex."

I grabbed all my stuff and removed the cuffs, I then walked out on Fox, for the second time.

I sat in front of my pc, shit where did I even start. Well honesty would be good, he decided to go with my feelings.

Hi Fox

Yeah I guess you will have screened this email and know it's from me, all I ask Fox is for you to please read it.

I will warn you beforehand it might not make sense at times, I am writing this from my heart (believe what you want but I do have one).

I Fucked up Fox, hell you will know that I'm good at that, just one big fuck up that's me, anyway back to the point.

I have walked out on you twice now Fox, we had so much shit over time. You even put your own neck on the line for me, you freed me from a life of crime and hell.

I want you to know Fox over the past year I missed you so much, I blew it big time and had to stay out of your life.

Well I will be honest asthe day I walked out I still loved you so much. I'm a loner and to have all that love and attention, hell I was afraid I would lose it one day. It scared the hell out of me how could anyone like you really love and want me.

How I saw it was I would lose either way if I stayed or left, by leaving I gave you your freedom back.

(Hey better just one of us than neither.)

You my dearest Fox are worth a hundred times more than I am, a whole year then in the alley I heard my name called and I knew it was you Fox. But then I saw the hate on your face, Shit you raped me Fox.

Hell I would have begged you, to shove that gorgeous cock up my ass, no you just took what you wanted. In a way I understand why you did it to me, do you know what scared me the most, I had to suffer alone.

I only ever had you Fox and I blew it, all the times you held me in your arms and stroked my hair, you once said if I ended my life you would kill yourself yet you managed to survive a whole year without me.

Sorry the vodka is having an effect on me, however how many times did you try to find me. None that's how fuckin many times, shit maybe I was just a good fuck after all.

That was the reason I planned the revenge Fox, I had you where I wanted you cuffed to a bed begging. Hell I was never in charge and you knew that Fox, you had to keep lying and calling me lover and shit.

Fuck Fox do you get a kick out of fuckin up my heart? That was the reason I left you, shit I was going to stay for the whole week. You would have finished me Fox, I had to get away from you.

I think of you often as my lover, holding me, needing me, kissing me and making love to me. Shit I guess I've had too much vodka and it's hard to focus, well it's either the drink or the fuckin hard on, shit it aches.

Well I'm back Fox sorry my jeans felt a bit too tight, fuck I'm now sitting here naked with my hand around my cock. Well at least you can't stop me pretending it's you.

I would love to shove it up that tight hot ass Fox, until you screamed for me, hitting that special spot over and over again until you scream out my name.

Fuck that was amazing Fox you still make me come, yeah I bet right about now you think I'm some sad pervert, well maybe I am.

It was always you Fox, no one ever came close and I'm so sorry for everything my lover.

I just need to know from time to time that you are okay, I'm going away Fox and I want you to have a life.

I have lost it now Lover, my heart is breaking, and the vodka's not helping anymore.

Please Fox all I ask is for you to reply just once, I need to know that you are okay after what I did too you.

I will check my email every day, if you decide not to reply I will understand and will be gone for good.

Well I hope to hear from you Fox, please just once.

You are my world take care.

Love always

Alex xx

P.S

Please ignore me calling you lover, I know it's one-sided but in my dreams Fox, you will always be mine.

XXXXXXXXXX

Dear Alex

Got the email, shit why did you never talk like that before, that must be the first time that you have really opened up to me.

Shit you are like the gingerbread Alex and always running away, is that how you see me the big bad fox who will eat you up.

Fuck all this shit Alex, yes I raped you, it tore me apart afterwards and you got it all so wrong. I never raped you out of hate, I love you and it was the only way I could have you, I know it was wrong believe me.

When you held me hostage Alex, I saw the love and fear on your face, you did it for revenge but you loved me too much to continue. You don't get it do you Alex, shit you are still my dream lover and always will be.

I still remember that day in the bullpen, shit I thought you were so sexy and that's the reason I ditched you that day. I was so turned on and wanted to fuck you, hell I never even knew if you fancied men.

Shit I was a senior agent, I would have got kicked out if I touched you. I held your hand Alex, while you lay there in a coma. I tended to all the wounds that you inflicted on yourself, I did it because I love you and that's what lovers do.

It's not just the good times as you have to be there through the bad times, I gave you everything including my heart. Shit I even dealt with that cancerous bastard so we could be together.

One morning I awoke to find myself alone, then I found the note and all the photos gone. I had to face facts, you was not coming back.

Do you know how it feels Alex , a whole year of wondering what I did wrong in the past I might have thought it all a game to destroy me. I saw how much you loved me and that was genuine, so you are telling me you ran to save me all the pain, fuck you Alex as I have felt the pain from the day you left... Shit did you really just think I would forget you, I did everything to keep us together because I loved you, I loved you then and I love you now.

As for searching for you what was the point, I could not have coped with the rejection as the day you left my world fell apart Alex.

I was on a case that night I saw you and I wanted you, I raped you Alex and wish I could change it, but it's too late. I would never have shot you and I hope you know that, just one thing, why was you at the bar that night?

It's okay, I will understand Alex if you needed someone, I could fuck a hundred men and still want just you.

I'm so alone and never ever thought I would be this way again, shit I even had a dream of us growing old with each other, fuck I'm the sad one now.

The gunmen did find you Alex for me, I made them check you were okay, but not to tell me where you were. You want me to be honest with you Alex, I want you in my life as I love you so much, I want to go to sleep with you and make love, I want to wake up with you beside me.

We could move away make a new life just you and me, how about a holiday away and sort out the problem's?

Well it is getting late and I don't know what else to say, please Alex be online so we can talk. If you decide not to it will be okay, it's up to you.

Well lover I'm going to bed to dream of you, that tight ass opening and engulfing my hard cock. Hell I might even dream of us, old and still fucking each other, like rabbit's.

Goodnight my sexy lover.

Fox xxxxxxx

Ps you remind me of a wild black panther that I would love to tame, then again I like that wild side of you. xxxxx

Seven pm Wednesday, I noticed that Alex was actually online.

SPOOKY = Hi Alex, glad you decided to be online.

RATBOY = Hi

SPOOKY = Thank you for the email but we have to face the fact, we both did wrong.

RATBOY = Yeah, but with you it's a few times, face it I fuck up all the time.

SPOOKY = The truth is, you still love me Alex.

RATBOY = Here you go again Fox, with your fuckin truth, you don't get it do you? You search for truth while I run away from it.

SPOOKY = Maybe it's time you stopped running.

RATBOY = what, and suffer the pain when I fuck up.

SPOOKY = But you are suffering now anyway.

RATBOY = You're e a good man Fox, I would destroy you.

SPOOKY = My life is already destroyed without you.

RATBOY = It would never work Fox.

SPOOKY = Why Alex I love you, please just give me a reason why?

RATBOY = Because of me.

SPOOKY = Why Alex please explain what you mean?

RATBOY = I already told you, I fuck up everything.

SPOOKY = How do you know when you won't even try.

RATBOY = Because I know myself, I can't show my feeling's like you.

SPOOKY = You forget I have seen your feelings Alex, you need to learn to express them more.

RATBOY = I can't Fox.

SPOOKY = Do you remember the good times Alex, the times we had wild hot sex?

Well I also remember the times we made love, you cried and felt thing's, you're a good person Alex who had a fucked up life. Shit you have proven that over the last year, you kept that good side Alex, and never went back to a life of crime. Maybe it's time to face who you really are Alex.

RATBOY = Shit , if you start trying to analyse me Fox I'm out of here, I am not one of your x files, or a sad charity case. Poor Alex all fucked up and needs help, well I fuckin don't need it and I don't want it.

SPOOKY = See you are doing it again and pushing me away, I see you as an equal Alex. Me and you as lover's side-by-side, through the good and the bad times.

RATBOY = I think its time I said goodbye as it would never work Fox, you think that you know me but you don't.

SPOOKY = Please Alex don't go yet.

RATBOY = I am sorry for everything, goodbye Fox.

SPOOKY= don't you fuckin go you bastard, fuckin so sure of everything negative, well run Alex it's what you are good at. I HATE YOU.

RATBOY = Calm down Fox as I'm getting turned on here, shit thinking of you all worked up.

Goodbye Lover and I'm glad we had this talk xx

SPOOKY = I am sorry Alex please don't go, shit will I ever see or hear from you again?

RATBOY = No Fox, find someone else and have a life, forget all about me.

SPOOKY = I can't, I love you Alex."

RATBOY = And I love you, but it's for the best Fox.

SPOOKY = Best for who Alex?

RATBOY = You Fox, move on and find another lover and be happy.

SPOOKY = I will never be happy without you.

RATBOY = Just go Fox, in time you will be happy.

Goodbye lover.

SPOOKY = Fuck you Alex, I won't let you go.

RATBOY = You have no choice Fox.

SPOOKY = Well, run as fast as you can, because, when this Fox catches you I'll chew you up and fucking spit you out. They say it's a fine line between love and hate, please Alex, don't make me hate you.

RATBOY = Maybe it's better if you can hate me.

SPOOKY = Is that what you really want Alex, for me to hate you, does it turn you on, the thought of me with another man?

RATBOY = Fuck you, hit me where it hurts why not. No I can't stand the thought of you with anyone else, I will always see you as MINE.

SPOOKY = so why do this then, when I belong with you.

RATBOY = Fuck we are going round in circle's Fox, please just move on.

SPOOKY = Please Alex, I will beg if I have to, don't leave me again.

RATBOY = Goodbye Lover xxxx

SPOOKY = PLEASE ALEX

SPOOKY = You fuckin prick, I will never let you go as you're MINE. Do you hear me as if I can't have you, no one else will, do you understand me.

MINE, MINE, MINE ALEX ALWAYS.

SPOOKY = Please I'm sorry, talk to me.

I sat for a while, and realised Alex had gone, I would find him, if it was the last thing I ever did.

I was pissed off as I'd just lost everything, fuck you Alex I will find you and then you will be mine. I grabbed my car keys and stormed out.

I found myself in the same bar where I'd seen Alex, I just planned to get drunk and forget about everything. A few drink's later I was drunk and the bartender refused to serve me, well fuck him as I would grab a bottle on the way home.

Shit as I entered the alley the memories came back, I'd raped my lover here. I couldn't take anymore and collapsed to my knees and wept, I then felt a hand over my mouth and remembered no more.

I woke with one hell of a headache, shit I then remembered drinking and the alley. It didn't take long for me to realise I was cuffed and blindfolded, I then felt the presence of someone else in the room with me.

"If this is your idea of a joke Alex, believe me it's not funny."

Fear crept into me when the man spoke, it was then I realised, it was not the voice of Alex.

"I see you are awake, at least the fun can begin now."

Fuck it hit me hard as to what a fuckin idiot I was, please god no. All the victims of the gay killer were found tied and dead, I felt my blood run cold in my veins.

"I'm a Special Agent with the F.B.I., you cannot do this to me."

"I have you here for three reasons Agent Mulder, so why should I let you go?"

"What reasons? I don't even know you."

"Your a clever man Agent Mulder, which was how you got too close on this case."

"I don't know anything and that's just one reason."

"Let's just say you fit the bill, your tall dark and good looking just like all the rest of them was. Oh and the third reason, you stole what was mine."

"I never got that close and have never taken anything from you?"

"A dark alley Agent Mulder, you took a gorgeous handsome man and raped him. I had watched him for days and imagined what I could do to him, he was mine and you stole him."

I heard the door slam shut, fuck that night in the alley Alex was to be tortured and left to die. My stomach churned as I thought about it, Alex had come so close to becoming another victim of this man, I'd worked the case and knew what was done to them men, shit was this my own fate now.

XXXXXXXXXX

I sat staring at the pc, fuck I had the man's love and threw it away. I sat here realising just what I'd lost, Fox would forget me and it was time to move on.

I had to move out by the end of the week and had no idea what I was going to do, I knew that Washington D.C was far too close to Fox.

I would pack my stuff and get a flight anywhere, not that it mattered where I went as the pain would follow me. I packed my bag then went to bed, by morning I'd be ready to leave here and move on myself.

I woke sometime later screaming, fuck I'd had not had that dream in a long time now. A dark place screaming for Fox, tearing at the wall until my hands bled. Maybe it was a sign of what my life had become, all alone with no one to hear me. I went for a shower as I knew that I would not sleep again tonight.

I heard the hammering on the apartment door, fuck no one was supposed to know where I was. I looked through the peephole and kept my gun in my hand.

Great, I'd not expected to see the gunmen here, Fox had said they knew where I was so maybe he'd told them to come.

"What the fuck do you all want?"

Frohike spoke first.

"Do you love Fox? If so we need your help as we believe he's become a hostage, we think it's the serial killer."

I stared at him like he was mad, then I got angry.

"What sort of sick game is Fox playing? Fuck that is low pretending he needs my help so I will go to him. Well I won't make it that easy for him, just tell him to leave me the hell alone."

"Shit Alex, if you don't believe me check with Scully or Skinner. We had a lead Fox was seen leaving the gay bar and was very drunk, he was heading into the alley then some man put him in a car, nobody has seen him since then."

Fuck, what had I done, I'd driven Fox into the arms of a killer. I knew I had to get Fox back, or I would die trying. It hit me hard, the thought of never holding, kissing, or even seeing Fox again.

"Shit I had tried working on this case without Fox knowing, okay I was trying to help him and then he saw me leave the bar. I will be back soon, I have to go check something out."

XXXXXXXXXX

I lay there as the blindfold was removed and adjusted my eyes to the light, I looked up to see an average man and about six foot with brown hair, the man was unfastening his own trousers.

Shit I knew all about the rapes, and how the victims died, I tried to look away but the man grabbed my head.

"Look at me Agent Mulder, I want you to see what will be going up your ass, also down your throat."

I felt the weight as the man as he climbed on top of me, I turned my head away from the man's mouth. All I received in return was a hard slap, shit then I felt my lip split open.

"Not a good idea, hell maybe I might torture you first then rape you."

I wanted Alex more than anything, but I knew I would most likely would never see him again. Shit the image of Alex dead at this man's hands, would not go away, I knew my own life was going to be over very soon.

I saw the man grab a tube of lube and smear it all over his own hand, fuck I then felt the man work his finger into my ass then add more. Oh god the man was trying to shove his entire fist inside me, the pain, fuck I couldn't stand it and passed out.

Unlucky for me I came back around in minutes, fuck the bastard was trying to stretch his hand inside me. I could feel his nails raking against my anal passage and fuck once I started screaming I couldn't stop.

I knew what would follow, rape and mutilated then left to die. Finally the man removed his hand scratching my insides at the same time.

"I will give you some time for your muscles to contract, when that sweet ass is nice and tight again I will fuck you hard."

I lay here in agony and drifted in and out of sleep, I was petrified and was dreading the man returning. Sometime later I heard the door open, then felt the man's weight press down on me, fuck I felt the man's finger inside me once again.

"Nice to see you are ready for me Agent Mulder, nice and tight again."

I felt the man's hard cock ram into my cut and sore ass, fuck he was getting harder then he grabbed my cock jerking me off, my whole body hurt fuck this had to end.

I lay sobbing, as I could take no more.

Along with the pain in my ass, I felt the man's hot cum shoot inside me, the man rolled of me and just casually stood up.

"Such a gorgeous sexy ass, but it's time to end everything now."

I screamed, as I looked up and saw the scalpel in the killers hand, fuck castration then left to bleed to death, I screamed and screamed.

XXXXXXXXXX

I walked into Spender's room, God I could barely see the black lunged bastard for smoke.

"I need help and want to know which warehouse's are empty, I take it you know about Fox and what happened? I was working this case and know the killer always return's to a warehouse."

"Alex dear boy just go look, why should I help you?"

"Don't call me boy and don't take the piss you black lunged bastard, he has your son and you know it, is that what you want for Fox to die at the hands of a pervert?"

"Why all the concern Alex, you never gave him what he wanted either?"

"Fuck you I love him and gave him everything, what else could I give him?"

"You still don't see do you Alex, Fox only wanted one thing, and that was you."

"Look I swear if I find him alive I will never leave him again, will you help me or not?"

"We have only two warehouses empty and left unlocked at that site, you will find them easy but be careful Alex."

"Oh such concern, like you give a shit about your own son."

"Believe me Alex, I care but he hates me, just a word of advice, you ever hurt him again and I will see you dead."

I walked out of the door laughing, I got in my car and headed towards the site where Fox might be hostage.

I arrived at the site and got my gun ready, I'd decided if Fox was dead that I would end my own life, I now reverted back to the assassin I once was as I stalked towards the warehouse.

I had heard the screaming and knew it was Fox, fuck I had to move fast. I entered the warehouse and sized up the situation, Fox naked and cuffed to a bed screaming, the killer stood over my beloved Fox with a sharp object. I had no choice as I raised my gun and fired, I had no intention of taking any chances with Fox at risk like that.

The man had fallen onto Fox, after I'd shot him in the head, I moved quick removing the dead man off him, I then checked to see if Fox was breathing before I removed the cuffs.

I sat on the bed and cradled Fox in my arms and cried, when I could manage to speak I phoned for an ambulance, I was still sat here when the ambulance men entered.

Once at the hospital I sat and waited, fuck I hated waiting and I hated hospitals. Cold white walls and sick people, god I'd done this by rejecting Fox and hated myself now.

All this waiting gave me plenty of time to think, the one person I'd ever wanted in life nearly died. I realised just what I would have lost, I vowed that I would never ever leave Fox again.

Finally I was allowed into recovery to visit my Fox, I just sat there and wept as I'd been such a fuckin idiot.

"Alex please don't cry, I'm okay and alive so it could have been worse."

"God how can you be okay, shit you nearly died because of me Fox and what I did to you."

"Please Alex, the killer told me I was too close on the case and it had nothing to do with you Babe."

I just sat there holding his hand until Fox fell asleep, I then went to my apartment and grabbed my stuff before returning to Fox.

"Fox I need to talk to you, are you up to listening?"

"I'm listening, just say what you must."

"I realise you were right all along and if I walk away I'll still be in pain, I have to learn to deal with everything and if you still want me Fox I'm here. I promise not to run, I love you more than anything Fox."

"Of course I still want you but we need to be open and honest, I love you so much Alex and it hurts to not have you."

"I love you too Fox, I always have and always will."

I bent and gave Fox a long deep kiss.

"Visiting time is over I have things to do, you need to arrange to see someone to talk to."

"What the fuck for Alex?"

"Look you need specialist help to deal with this and move on."

"I will sort it myself, I don't need anyone to help me."

"I am sorry Fox, but you will if you want me to stay."

I left Fox to rest and think things over.

XXXXXXXXXX

Everything went well for the next couple of months, I'd returned home to find Alex had moved back in. I'd got help in dealing with everything. (Not like he had any choice)

Due to the damage caused to my anal passage they had avoided sex for a while.

"Fox you look miles away."

Alex went towards me and hugged me tight.

"I promise Fox it will all be okay and we won't do anything until you are ready, when the time comes I will be gentle Lover."

"Just leave me alone Alex."

"Fuck it Fox, what do you want from me, you look at me like I am shit, fuck you even close your eyes when I kiss you."

"Please Alex not now."

"Do you despise me that much Fox that you can't even look or talk to me?"

Alex held my face in his hands.

"Please Fox, kiss me and look at me."

I shoved Alex out of the way and fled to the bedroom and slammed the door, the next minute Alex was hammering on the door and yelling.

"Open this fuckin door, now Fox."

"Please Alex not now, I can't do this and I just want to be alone."

The next thing I knew was the loud bang and the door flew open, I realized that Alex had kicked it forcing it to open.

"Is that what you really want Fox? Fuck you beg me to stay, yet you despise me and want to be alone."

"Please I love you Alex, I'm just not ready for this."

"Go to hell Fox."

I heard Alex slam the apartment door as he left.

I lay there sobbing at what I'd just done, all the years spent telling Alex to talk, and now I was unable to do it myself.

I was so scared and hurt, I also knew Alex was good at running from everything and that scared me the most. Shit what if he has gone again and never comes back, in the end I just cried myself to sleep.

I awoke sometime later to find Alex banging around the bedroom. (Well at least he came back this time)

"Alex what are you doing?"

"What do you care Fox, hell at least this way you won't have to look at me anymore?"

I noticed the bag on the floor that Alex was packing, shit he'd only come back for his stuff and then would be gone again.

"Please Alex, you promised that you would never run away again."

"Well I remember saying, I would stay if we were honest with each other, you don't want to talk Fox and I know you are hiding something from me. So it will be easier if I go."

"Please Alex stop packing, I will talk."

"I love you Fox, but you have to love me too as without it we're nothing."

"I can't believe you doubt my love for you, I would do anything for you Alex and I love you so much."

"I want total honesty Fox, you have five minutes to tell me the truth or I leave."

"I will tell you what the problem is Alex, please just lay here with me, I love you Alex and want to feel you near me."

Alex lay next to me and pulled me close I had all on to talk without crying as I lay there.

"Please tell me everything Fox, I want to help you and understand what's wrong."

Shit I lay there thinking where to start.

"We've had one hell of a past Alex but I always loved you, I understand the reason for you running away but you coped with it eventually. That night in the alley part of me hated you for leaving me, shit I still loved you and wanted you Alex, but could not have you, fuck what did I do, I raped you, forced myself in you. I humiliated and hurt you in that dirty alley just to get what I wanted."

Alex held me close as I started sobbing.

"Fox that night, I knew you would not shoot or harm me. It hurt so much because you made me do it and I would have willingly given myself to you. What hurt the most was having no one to turn to afterwards, that's when I realised just how much I missed you.

Please Fox we both did bad things to each other but we got through it, please, don't let what you did ruin what we now have."

"I will always regret that night but I moved on, it's something else Alex."

"So please tell me, let's deal with it as a couple Fox as I am here for you now."

"Please don't get upset Alex, just let me explain first."

"Okay Fox I'm listening just take your time."

"When I look at you, I don't see the gorgeous man I fell in love with anymore and it's tearing me apart."

I could feel Alex tense up at my words, I knew he was really struggling to keep his mouth shut.

"You know when that bastard had me tied up, he said it was for three reasons."

" Fox you said there were only two reasons, you was good looking and to close on the case. Please Fox tell me the third reason, I told you I want to know everything and anything."

"The third reason involves you Alex and I never wanted you to know, shit I still don't. However I won't let you go again so I have to tell you."

"Fuck, I never knew that man who kidnapped you, shit please don't say it was someone from my past?"

"Alex calm down and just listen please."

"Sorry go on Fox, I'm listening."

"He said the third reason was because I had taken what was his, I tried telling him I had taken nothing from him, hell I had never even met him before. Don't you see Alex that night in the alley I wasn't the only one following you, he had been following you for days. He'd decided you would be his next victim, then he saw me rape you so he said I had to pay because you was his."

"Shit Fox that's a lot to take in, so you are saying that night I was to be raped by my lover or raped and left to die by some mad man?"

"I'm sorry I had to tell you Alex."

"Hell I guess I got off lightly then, you saved my life."

"Please Alex don't joke about it, what I did was wrong."

"So why don't you want to look at me Fox, shit you even said you don't see the man you fell in love with. I want you to be honest Fox, what do you see then when you look at me?"

I knew I had to tell Alex the truth or he would leave, could not stop the tears as I spoke.

"You really want to know Alex, I love you and always thought you were gorgeous, okay shit I am avoiding the matter at hand sorry.

I worked on that case Alex, I saw the dead bodies and what he had done too them. When I look at you I see you as one of them bodies Alex, fuck my brain will only see what could have been and I'm sorry."

"Hell you don't need to be sorry Fox as it's not your fault, shit I still remember the image of when I found you, a couple of minutes more and what might have happened."

Alex started kissing me, running his hands on my cock, he then started sucking my nipple then the other one, God I was so hard and turned on.

"Alex please don't do this."

"You want me Lover, you know you want to feel me inside you."

"Fuck Alex this is killing me."

Alex undressed me and then himself.

"Fox let me make love to you."

Alex went out of his way to make me desperate, he then stopped just like that.

"Oh god Alex please don't stop now, Alex please."

"Have you heard the saying Fox, actions speak louder than words. We talked and you still won't look at me."

"I am fuckin begging Alex, please fuck me."

"Open them gorgeous eyes, Fox look at me and see who it is that's making love to you."

"Alex please."

"Open them Fox and I will continue I promise."

Shit I was so desperate to come, I opened my eyes and expected the worst. However I saw the most amazing green eyes of my lover, who was very much alive as he teased me. Alex found the tight hole between my ass cheeks, he worked his fingers inside me and I was desperate now.

"For fucks sake Alex, fuck me before I come."

"I see that you are still my little slut, so wanting."

Alex rubbed his fingers against my prostate, forcing a cry from me.

"Alex please, I need you now."

"God you are one sexy man Fox, especially when you're desperate."

"Fuck you Alex."

"No, I'm going to fuck you Fox now."

Alex took, hold of his hard throbbing cock and shoved it past the tight ring of muscle into my ass, he hit my prostate time and time again and he then grabbed my cock and started jerking me off.

"I'm going to make you come Lover, I want you to feel so good, just keep them eyes open Fox and let go look and feel Fox who's making you hot like this."

I lay there and kept my eyes open as I came screaming out Alex's name.

"I love you Alex so much."

"I love you too Fox more than anything, I'm alive and will always be here for you. We will have ups and downs like any couple and arguments Fox, shit even if I walk out I promise I will return, when I nearly lost you I knew we were meant to be with each other."

"I love you too Alex and thanks to you I see you as sexy and gorgeous again, thank you so much for that."

"Please don't cry Lover as I'm here, me and you Fox against the world."

"Promise Alex you will always be here?"

"I promise with all my heart Fox, I will stay unless you want me to go, shit then I will just stay to drive you mad."

"Funny Alex, but you are mine and you're going nowhere."

"And you dear Fox are mine now and always and I will never let you go again ever, we Fox are far away no more Lover."

We lay here planning our future, not that anything mattered since we had each other and we had worked it all out.

The past forgiven, the present making love and having good times, the future to grow old together, still be in love and fuck like rabbit's.

THE END.

25/05/08

This is a re- write of the first story I ever wrote.

Please leave feedback and be kind.

Email thefoxandrat@gmail.com or therussianrat@yandex.com