Work Text:
Nobody will ever know what we shared. It is the only thing I have left to give you. Hearing the news and dealing with the heartbreak of everyone else was bad enough. I knew then that I could never reveal what we’d had— to anyone. Our secret. To the end.
We were good, Tony. Nobody ever even suspected we were lovers. Nobody ever suspected how much I love you.
Hearing the pain in your voice, hearing you call me “boss” one last time was tough. But the hardest part for me will always be not being able to save you. Or, hell, Tony, not being there to hold your hand. I always said a hell of a lot to you without words and when you needed me to find those words, I couldn’t. Ziva and Jenny didn’t know I was crying but I know you did. You always knew, even when I tried to hide it from you.
I’m cleaning out your desk now. One of those expensive shirts. I remember you, shirt open, leaning on my boat, satisfied smirk on your face. I’d just taken you hard. Tony, it smells like you. Not that expensive aftershave you use, but you. Your scent.
DVDs? At work? Who leaves those in a desk drawer?
Oh, you. My boy who made family from images on a screen until you met me and learned that family is being in someone else’s arms the morning after a tough day.
Do you have any idea how you brought meaning to my life? How you made me rush home to be with you? How you became more important to me than wood under my hands, than bourbon, or even coffee? How you made my life seem worth living?
How’m I gonna live without you, DiNozzo?
Your miserable father refused to take care of your arrangements, so you’re being buried like the hero you are. And I’ll somehow find the words to convey that’ll let everyone know what a guy you were.
Maybe then the perceptive ones will know something. Abby keeps looking at me through her tears. Ducky was furious when I wanted to stand guard over your body for the last two nights. Jen…Jen knows what I look like when I’m in love. None of ‘em will ask me. None of ‘em will ever think it was sexual, or romantic.
You played your role of love ‘em and leave ‘em, and I played mine.
Remember the mountains, us hiking, how we said vows and made our pledge? I intend to keep it, until I see you again. There’ll never be another person—man or woman—I’ll let in. I had you, and I had Shannon. Now I have to hope you’re exchanging stories with her and Kelly. Some guys never love, I had two loves of my life. Why’m I always the one left behind?
“Jethro?”
His head whipped around when Ducky’s voice hit his ears. “Yeah?”
“You don’t have to do this. Surely he has someone…”
“He has me, Duck. Me. I’m doing it. Stay or go, but don’t give me shit.”
“Oh, my dear boy…” Was that sympathy he heard in Duck’s voice. He wanted to give in. He wanted to hang his head and howl his grief, but that wasn’t allowed. He was the damn team leader. Right now, being Tony’s best friend and lover had to stay in the background while Special Agent Gibbs dealt. But Jethro was demanding to be heard. He turned his back to Ducky, not caring what the other man thought or did at the moment.
The contents of the desk are just a little messed up, just like you, Tony. You tried so hard to be what everyone needed and never quite got there all the time. But that was okay. We loved you—love you. I fell in love with the guy who took a running leap onto the bed before fucking me as much as the pensive guy who was a mournful drunk on the anniversary of his mother’s death.
You’re complicated and that was what always attracted me.
I remember the first time I realized you were interested. We’d been practicing defensive holds. I had you pinned, was looking down at you and you got hard immediately. You didn’t pretend, didn’t try to laugh it off like I would have. You just lay there still, your eyes almost glowing. I knew what you needed but I couldn’t give it to you then.
You had to know what was going to happen when we went out for beers and burgers afterward and you seemed so disappointed when I didn’t make a move. Aggression would have been expected so instead I played you. Waited it out. You pouted and all I wanted to do was wipe that pout off your face. But I waited, even followed you into the head. Wanted you to break.
I was so damn glad when you didn’t, Tony. And when I cracked the lock on your door and you were standing right there, waiting, both of us were victorious. Kissing you brought me alive. Fucking you made you mine. But being with you…it made me complete.
Only one person in the world knows beside us. Ducky’s mother. Remember how she just knew that I had my eye on her gigolo’s ass? When she asked me if it was as tight as it looked, I was surprised Ducky didn’t notice how hard I was blushing. But then our Duck doesn’t always see what is right in front of him.
Pair of boxers? Tony, what are these doing here? You always wore those stretchy ones, not real man boxers. You always told me you liked the support but I know you must have thought they showed you off in your jeans better. Didn’t matter to me. They were just another thing to peel off after we got home.
Before you, I was never naked around the house, but with you, the amount of times we got home, stripped off, and spent the night in bed, that damn tv blaring, bringing each other off to the sounds of your favorite movies. I’ve gotta get rid of it soon. It’ll remind me too much of our times together.
Fuck, Tony. How do I live without you? How do I find the will to go on?
Will you come back for me, Tony? Soon? I’m sick of this pain. I’m so tired.
Jethro glanced across to his own desk and at the drawer his gun rested. For the first time since he’d lost Shannon and Kelly, he wondered about ending it all. There was only so much loss a guy could take. And he’d passed his limit.