SquidgeWorld Archive

Best-laid plans

What a day! Lieutenant John Stillman leaned back on his couch, closed his eyes and enjoyed the quiet of the evening. The only sound that could be heard in his dimmed apartment was the ticking of the clock.

His last day of suspension had been full of surprises. For example, only a few hours ago he had been so sure he would retire. Would enjoy it, too, and never look back. Instead, Lilly had laid the bait and he had walked right into her trap, utterly convinced he had left police work behind and could not be tempted again. Surely a short visit wouldn't hurt, right? Yeah, right. He made a mental note to add a new entry to Lilly's file: Detective Lilly Rush: Too stubborn for her own good. Maybe he would underline it twice.

He shifted on the couch, stretched his legs and eyed the cardboard box sitting on the table before him. It was filled with the photos which soon would return to their rightful place on the shelf in his office again.

His office. Stillman thought back to his meeting with the Chief and sighed. After they had solved the murder of Ray Takahashi, he had wasted no time and stopped by his superior's office to ask for his job back. He hadn't known what to expect, not after they had violently butted heads over that ridiculous IAD investigation and his refusal to throw Scotty to the wolves. He had been prepared to grovel if necessary. But the Chief had been in an exceptionally good mood, given him his retirement papers back (which, it seemed, had never even left the desk after he had handed them in), a pat on the back and a condescending smile that clearly conveyed the message 'I knew you would change your mind'.

It didn't help that his daughter had used those exact same words when he had called her earlier that evening. Really, hadn't anyone but himself believed he would retire? But he didn't have it in him to be cross with her, not when she had sounded genuinely happy for him. If he was honest with himself - and he always tried to be honest with himself, may his brother Andrew call it self-chastisement and John's worst character trait if he wanted to- he had been a bit worried about her reaction. It was one of his oldest fears that she could feel neglected by him. Worrying about her feelings had become second nature to him since the day she was born, the day he had spent working instead of witnessing how she took her first breath. It had been the first time he had failed her, but not the last.

Although she had often reassured him that he was a good father and that his doubts about his parental skills were unfounded (Stillman didn't have the heart to tell her how often her mother had hurled accusations of indifference and neglect at him - Janie probably knew it anyway), that old familiar guilt had gnawed on John's conscience. He had been deeply relieved to hear his daughter tease him about his return to work.

John glanced at the clock and stood up. He really should go to bed, it was already getting late and for the first time in a month he had to get up early. Slowly he shuffled to the door on bare feet. It would look bad if he overslept on his first day back and worse, his people would tease him mercilessly about it. What the heck, he would have to put up with their knowing smirks for his first day no matter what, but there was no need to give them more ammunition. A small grin tugged at the corners of John's mouth as he switched off the table lamp by the living room door. God how he had missed his people!

He turned left and headed to his bedroom, but a soft knock on the apartment door stopped him short. Curious who would visit him that late, John unlocked the door and opened it just wide enough to peek out. To his astonishment it was Lilly on his doorstep.

"Hey boss," she said, smiling up at him.

"Lil'!" He responded with a smile of his own and opened the door wider. "Come on in."

Lilly entered and peeked into the dark living room in front of her while Stillman closed the door. The warm light of the single lamp illuminating the hallway didn't reach the couch table, leaving the box only a few feet away hidden from prying eyes.

"Sorry to disturb you that late. I thought you'd still be up."

"It's okay," he assured and turned to face her. "So what brings you here?" He folded his arms and cocked his head. "You haven't pestered me enough for one day, is that it?"

Lilly wasn't in the slightest impressed by his fake anger. She folded her arms, mimicking his stance. "Rumor has it you went to see the Chief."

John's eyebrows rose. "Is that so," he drawled.

Lilly just smiled. They stared at each other for a second before Stillman caved in and broke eye-contact. Two cops in a staring contest, that could take all night, and he wasn't in the mood. Besides, his canceled retirement was hardly a secret.

"Yeah well," he began, uncrossing his arms and then running a hand over his bald head, "seems like you're stuck with me. I'm back tomorrow." His gaze wandered back to Lilly just in time to see her smile widen and John couldn't help feeling mesmerized by the sight in front of him. Her whole face lit up, the lips exposing a line of white teeth and her blue eyes sparkled at him from under her fringe. To see her so happy and knowing that he was the reason for it, touched John deeply. A warm feeling spread throughout his body.

"That's great news!" Lilly exclaimed and Stillman looked away before she could realize he had been staring.

"I knew you would-"

John held up his hand. "Don't say it, please." They both chuckled and then fell silent.

"Retirement, huh?" she asked softly and leaned comfortably against the wall opposite to the door. "I wouldn't know what to do with myself."

"I thought so once. But people change... ." His voice trailed off as he remembered all the things he had missed over the years. There was no way he could change the past, but at least he could learn from his mistakes and try to make it better next time. He shook his head to banish the ghosts of his failures from his thoughts, uncomfortably aware that Lilly probably knew exactly what he had been thinking, judging by the sympathetic expression of her face.

"Then why come back at all?"

Why, indeed. John tucked his hands under his armpits and paused for a moment. "I always wanted to be a cop, nothing else, but maybe it was just time for a break. It felt like day in, day out all I had to do was shuffle papers around and enforce some political agenda the brass came up with. In the end I couldn't remember what I loved about the job in the first place. Dealing with people. Helping them. Your case brought me back on course, so to speak. Reminded me that I can still make a difference."

"You better not change your mind again, decide you'd rather spend time on your boat or anything."

"Well, I won't wait another six years to go fishing again, I can tell you that." Stillman cleared his throat. "Speaking of free time, you came here straight from work?"

He pointed at the business attire Lilly wore, still the same mauve shirt and dark blazer he had seen her wearing earlier that day. In contrast he looked downright shabby in his dark blue flannel shirt and old jeans.

"I had to finish the paperwork," Lilly said defensively.

"Paperwork can wait till morning, Lil'."

"I'll remind you of that next time you want me to finish a report. Anyway, you're not in the position to lecture me," she explained and leaned forward to give him a playful jab on the arm, " 'cause you're not my boss at the moment, not till morning." Her face sported a cocky grin as if to dare him to contradict her.

John's eyebrows contracted in a frown. "Didn't you say you need me to kick your ass?"

"I wasn't talking about me personally. More like," she waved a hand, "you know, us detectives in general."

"Uh huh. I see." His smile turned into a yawn he tried to stifle. "Sorry."

"Maybe I should go now." Lilly straightened and viewed the exit with an inscrutable look on her face, not moving towards it. Her mood had suddenly shifted, that much was obvious, but Stillman couldn't quite figure out why. When he studied her profile he noticed dark circles under her eyes. Looking more closely, he also registered her even paler than usual skin. In that moment she appeared frail and vulnerable, not at all like the self-confident woman he was used to, and it hurt him to see her like that. It stirred up bad memories.

John tilted his head slightly and narrowed his eyes. "Trouble sleeping?" he queried at a venture. Lilly's stiffening body was answer enough, no matter how hard Lilly tried to deny it.

"No I'm fine, it was a long day, that's--"

"Nightmares?" he asked her further in a soft voice. He continued before she could protest again, "Because, I sure as hell had some nightmares after everything that happened."

Lilly's head shot up and she bored her eyes into his. It made him uncomfortable and he lowered his head in shame when his ears started to burn. It certainly wasn't easy for him to admit to the bad dreams that had plagued him the first week after the shooting. His nightmares had been bloody reenactments of the events, only that his subconscious had provided him with an endless stream of alternative endings, each scenario more gruesome and terrifying than the last. The result had always been the same: he had woken up drenched in cold sweat, heart beating in his throat,and tried in vain to calm down enough to get back to sleep.

It wasn't something he liked to remember, much less talk about. But his confession had gained him Lilly's undivided attention, and there were more things she needed to hear and he needed to tell. That moment was as good a time as any, so he went on.

"Lil', I want you to know that I was so strict with you because I wanted to make sure you were okay, not because I didn't trust you. Never that. I came down too hard on you, because I felt guilty I guess. I can see that now. And I regret it." He opened his mouth as if to continue, then closed it instead and pressed his lips together.

Lilly's gaze had wandered to a spot a few inches left to John's head. "No, I think you were right," she said vacantly and kept staring in the air. "I... I thought the nightmares would stop on their own. But they didn't."

Her shoulders drooped and she ran her hand over her face wearily. She was careful to avoid meeting John's eyes. "I know I can't go on like this, if I don't get enough sleep soon I'll go crazy." She took a deep breath that could have been a sigh. "Anyway, I've had enough. I called the practice yesterday and made another appointment with the shrink."

"That's good, Lil'."

She grimaced. "She'll be overjoyed to see me again."

"Well, I am always overjoyed to see you," he chimed in. "When you're not talking me out of retirement, that is."

Lilly laughed at his lame joke, like he had hoped she would. Her body relaxed while she laughed, but soon she became serious again. "It's just... it feels strange to come home to an empty house."

That was a feeling John knew only too well, although for other reasons. He reached over and squeezed Lilly's shoulder compassionately. He was afraid that if he spoke, Lilly would close up again, so instead he let his hand rest on her shoulder in silent support. So many awful things had happened to her in her life recently.

Lilly looked at him with her big blue eyes. "I don't feel much like going home now." A nervous smile flitted over her face. "Being alone."

John's thumb drew a small circle pattern on her arm. He mulled over how he could put her at ease. "Lil', if you don't want to go, you could stay here."

The words were out of his mouth before he realized what he had said and how it could be interpreted. "I mean, I--"

I can take the couch, he wanted to add but couldn't, because with one quick step Lilly closed the gulf between them and pressed her mouth on his. For a seemingly everlasting second his mind refused to believe his senses. It couldn't possibly be real, Lilly's warm dry lips on his, her hair tickling his cheek.

He registered that she put her hands on his hips and held him tight, but he couldn't move, he couldn't think straight. His thoughts were drowned out by the deafening beating of his heart, - -or maybe it was Lilly's heart?-- and before he knew it his hands grabbed Lilly's arms on their own account, neither pushing her away nor pulling her closer.

Lilly ended the kiss briefly to gasp for breath before she leaned in again and planted more soft kisses on the edge of his mouth, every new caress sending tingling electric shocks from John's lips down to his fingertips. It was a sweet torture. While his veins were flooded with adrenaline and every cell in his body ached to go into action and kiss her back, to hell with the consequences, John's mind was frozen and couldn't come to a decision on what to do next. Methodically Lilly worked her way to the center of his lips, at first hesitating but growing bolder and more impatient. John tried to order his limbs into motion, Do something, anything!, but to no avail.

If he really was the man he thought he was, he should send her home right now, John knew that. Follow the rules. A few months ago he wouldn't even have to think about it. But it felt so good to have Lilly's body pressed against his, to have her lips touch his. He couldn't even remember the last time he had held a woman in his arms.

Lilly had stopped her rush and began to draw back. Her breath swept over his face, and John realized with a sickening feeling that she would be out of his reach forever. It was too late, she stepped back and the sudden loss of her body heat hit John like a punch to the gut.

Before Lilly could say or do anything like making an apology he didn't want to hear, he cupped the back of her head in his hands and pushed himself and her both forward until Lilly's back hit the door. The impact knocked the air out of their lungs. Lilly's eyes went wide and Stillman wondered if he had he made a mistake and misread her intentions. His stomach plummeted. Was he too bold, had she changed her mind? But no, to his relief Lilly smiled up at him and chased away all doubt.

He extricated his hands gently and propped himself with his left arm. It was amazing that this beautiful young woman would want him. He reached up with his right hand and stroked her cheek with trembling fingertips. Amazing, yes, but right then he was frightened by the realization of how much he wanted her. It was unsettling to discover that he didn't know himself as good as he thought.

Lilly put an end to his musing when she raised her hand and gently scraped a fingernail over his chin. "You're stubbly."

"I can shave if you want," he offered in a hoarse voice.

"No." She examined his five o'clock shadow more closely. "I like it."

She reached around him, grabbed hold of the hem of his jeans and tugged him closer to her. John couldn't help wondering if her hands would feel cool on his skin. Hopefully he would have the chance to find out later. He edged his feet forward, intertwining his legs with Lilly's in the process, and bent his knees a little to bring their heads on the same level. His gaze lingered on her face. He was looking for signs of uncertainty in Lilly's eyes but couldn't find any. There was no turning back now.

Gently he grazed her bottom lip with his teeth, resolved to take it slow and make the most of their encounter, but he lost control as soon as Lilly's tongue invited him in. Hungrily he devoured her mouth. Lilly kissed him back just as eagerly with an intensity that made John dizzy. Overwhelmed he clenched Lilly's hips with both hands and pressed himself against her with all his weight. They were so close that he could feel her heart beat against his chest. Too late he worried about crushing her and tried to withdraw, but Lilly didn't let him and pulled him back.

Their tongues danced to the rhythm of their heartbeats, Lilly leading on and John content to follow. Her fingertips stroked his back up to his shoulders and left a fiery trail in their wake. A groan escaped John and was swallowed before the sound could reach his ears. Lilly's fingers were busy mapping every inch of his body she could reach without breaking their kiss.

He would have done anything for her right then, anything to make her feel as good as she made him. Blood pounded in his ears. He wanted more, needed more of her. He released his tight grip and gently caressed the curve of her waist. Suddenly Lilly jerked, shrunk back and giggled. It was the sexiest sound he could imagine. It vibrated in John's head as if he and Lilly were sharing one body. His stomach did a somersault. In all the years he had known Lilly he had never suspected that she was ticklish, or that she would taste of coffee at 11 p.m. He guessed there was no reason he should have known, and silently swore to never share his intimate knowledge with a living soul.

His hands resumed their exploration and moved further up, slipped under Lilly's blazer and tried to push it down. Although Lilly helped and tried to shrug it off pulling on the lapels, they couldn't get it past her shoulders while she leaned against the door. Frustrated, John finally broke away to give Lilly more space and with one concentrated team effort the offending garment came off and landed in a heap on the floor.

"Damned thing," he growled, causing a ripple of laughter from Lilly. John smiled sheepishly at his outburst. So much for making a good impression. But Lilly didn't seem to mind. Her face was flushed and strands of hair had loosened from her ponytail. In John's opinion she had never looked more beautiful, and this time he didn't hide his appreciating stare. He reached out and tucked the wild strands behind her ear. Lilly reached up and took his face in her hands, looking straight into his eyes. There was an impish glint in her eyes that made John's breath hitch in his throat.

"Tonight, you're not my boss," she said slowly and waited for his reaction.

John stared back at her with wide eyes, not understanding what she wanted from-- oh. He buried his head on her shoulder in embarrassment. "Sorry." Wouldn't know a pick-up line if it bit me on my ass, he chastised himself.

Lilly chuckled and put her arms around his neck. "Are you playing hard to get?"

He shook his head, not looking up. "No, I'm only a senile old man, don't mind me," he mumbled into her shoulder. Goose bumps wandered down his forearms when Lilly stroked over the short soft hairs on his nape. He relaxed and a question came to his mind.

"Did you plan this?" he asked her curiously. He wouldn't mind at all if she had, although the notion of Lilly planning his seduction boggled the imagination. On the other hand he never in a million years would have imagined they would end up in their current situation, neither.

"No," her fingers kept stroking, "it just seemed... right."

"Mmmmhhhhhmm." He moved his head a little to the side to have free access to her skin and inhaled her smell deeply. It was familiar although he couldn't remember ever noticing it before, a unique combination of perfume, soap, and Lilly's own essence. He was so distracted that he nearly missed Lilly's next whispered words.

"I missed you."

A lump formed in John's throat and his stomach fluttered. Instead of speaking he gave Lilly a peck on the neck. She had always held a special place in his heart. They had a special connection. More than once they had trusted each other with private matters they wouldn't share with others. John didn't know if this night their bond had changed and taken on a new quality or if maybe there had always been an attraction they had been too blind to see.

Whatever it was, John felt comfortable and totally at ease with Lilly. Who could have thought how uncomplicated and natural and, yes, sexy it would be with Lilly? John hadn't. In fact, he had never speculated about it at all, he would have seen it as an invasion of her privacy to wonder about her love life. She always tried so hard to keep it under wraps.

John frowned as he remembered how she had acted around ADA Kite when they were dating. She had seemed uncomfortable, sometimes even a little afraid. He didn't know what had made her so nervous, intimacy in general or the notion of her colleagues whispering behind her back.

A cold feeling settled in John's stomach. Would she act like that around him? Was that what would happen, Lilly going out of her way to avoid him?

"What's wrong?"

He tried to come up with the right words to assure her that, really, it was okay if she changed her mind. That, if she decided she only wanted to share one night with him, he would deal with it. Agreed, it wasn't what he preferred, although he wasn't sure himself what he wanted from her exactly. He would need some time to digest everything that had happened so far, but she needn't worry about hurting his feelings. If there were some magic words to sum up their situation, nobody ever bothered to tell him. But if he didn't come up with something to say soon, no matter how clumsy, he surely would scare Lilly enough to leave.

John straightened. "I want you to know that you don't have to promise me anything." He leaned his forehead against hers. Her face was so close that his vision blurred and he couldn't make out her expression. It was probably not a good sign that she hadn't responded yet.

"It's okay, Lil'." He stumbled over the words. It occurred to him that his efforts to make her feel at ease may sound like he didn't care about her. He tried again.

"I wanna live in a world where you smile at me, joke with me and steal a sip from my coffee. Let's see where tonight leads us, but I won't let it ruin what we already have." He stroked her cheek with his fingertips, hoping she would understand what he meant. Talking about his feelings wasn't his strong point. Lilly pulled back, looked up and mustered him silently. It made him nervous.

"Lil'? You're still with me?"

"So what you're saying is... we'll just see what happens?"

"Play it by ear as we go along."

"And if it doesn't work out?"

"Then it doesn't work out. That's okay."

Lilly still hesitated. Nervously she bit her lip. "The others don't need to know." It was more a question than a statement.

He nodded vigorously. "It's none of their business."

A tentative smile blossomed on Lilly's face. John's nervousness dissipated only to be replaced with joyful anticipation and he breathed deeply. Lilly lifted her hand and put it on John's chest. Warmth seeped through the fabric of John's shirt into his skin.

"Still tired?" Lilly was teasing him.

John's heart skipped a beat. "Never been more awake." It was true, all traces of weariness were long gone. They never stood a chance against the adrenaline pulsing in his veins.

"Good." She nudged him gently until he made a reluctant step backward. He didn't like to part from her at all, but was curious what she was up to. Lilly slowly walked past him, gliding her fingertips down John's chest and further, giving him a final soft squeeze before she broke contact. John had turned with her and now fell back against the door for support before his legs could give out under him. Damn, that woman was killing him! How embarrassing would it be to have a heart-attack. Now that would destroy all chances for a second date forever. But John's heart had no intention of giving out and continued to beat as strong and steady as ever.

He wanted to touch Lilly again, but she held him in place with her gaze and so he resisted the impulse to reach out and pull her back into his embrace. She stood a few feet away facing him and was breathing just as heavily as him, John noticed. With one elegant movement she reached up and freed her hair, then brushed a lock out of her face and looked round.

"Bedroom?"

John pointed down the hall to his right. "Last door." Communication was the key to every good relationship.

Without hesitation Lilly strode down the hall while John watched her closely. She opened the last door and entered the room behind it, not once looking over her shoulder to see if he was following. Although she didn't switch on the bedroom lights, John could make out her silhouette clearly in the pale light that filtered through the two windows on either side of the bed. The dark figure turned, waiting, tempting.

John felt the pull. He drew a deep breath and headed for the bedroom. Maybe he would feel differently in the morning, maybe they would both regret it, but he felt confident that no matter what happened, their friendship would prevail. The truth was that you never knew what the future would bring. He had learned early on that life didn't go according to plan, but it had taken nearly all of his fifty-odd years to teach him that nevertheless, this wasn't an excuse to stop living.

John entered the bedroom where Lilly was waiting for him, wonderful Lil' whose smile shone brighter than the moonlight surrounding her. His knees nearly went weak at the sight before him and in that moment he couldn't care less what others would think about them. Let them disapprove of their one moment of sweet folly, he didn't give a damn. No, he wouldn't miss their night for anything in the world.

John made one final step and reached for Lilly's outstretched hand.

What a day, indeed!