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The Wrong Kind of Fun
by Pirate Turner
Loud giggling erupted from the office, and two ears pressed closer against the wooden frame of the door. Two pairs of eyes closed tightly as they listened intently, barely daring to breathe should they miss something important. "Hey, guys," a low voice whispered. "What's going on?"
Both guys sprang away from the door at the very second they heard the voice, their eyes flying open in surprise. They tried to appear innocent, but guilt covered both faces. "We were, um, just checking for, hum . . . Hum . . . Charles, why don't you tell him what we were listening for?"
Gunn was quick to speak before, both men hoped, the newcomer could tell that they were failingly attempting to invent a story on the spot. "English and I were listening for . . . for bugs. Yeah, that's it!" he continued, nodding swiftly. "Termites."
Red eyes glistened knowingly as he watched the two men before him. "If that's the case," he asked them in a hushed whisper, "why are we whispering?"
"We're not," Gunn immediately rebuffed.
"Oh, so you wouldn't mind me talking at a normal . . . "
As Lorne had been speaking his question, his tone had grown steadily higher until Wesley suddenly clapped a hand over his mouth, abruptly silencing the Demon. Thinking quickly, the ex-Watcher hurried to explain, "You'll scare them. Termite ears are extremely sensitive to human vocals."
Lorne nodded understandingly, and Wesley reluctantly lifted his mouth but remained ready to silence his friend again should he need to. "Don't try to pull the wool with me," Lorne whispered offensively. "I may be a Demon, but I'm still a man. You're not looking for termites. You're listening in on the girls, and I want to know why." When neither man seemed forthcoming with an explanation, Lorne warned, "Of course, I could always just tell them that I found you eavesdropping on them and then ask what they were doing that the two of you thought you had to listen in on them."
"No! No! Don't!" Both men exclaimed simultaneously. "We'll tell you! Just don't tell them!"
Lorne grinned. "That's more like it. Now, why are you?" he insisted.
"Well, we, hum . . . Huh . . . That is . . . " This time it was Gunn's turn to stutter.
"We think they may be indulging in some fun," Wesley began to explain, choosing his every word with extreme care.
Lorne's brow furrowed in confusion, and his horns drew closer together. "What's wrong with that?" he questioned them.
"It's without us!" Gunn exclaimed, pouting.
Lorne shook his head slowly, unable to believe what he was hearing. "You two are eavesdropping on the girls because you're jealous because they're not spending their every moment with you and are actually having some fun between friends?!" he demanded in a heated whisper.
"Sexual fun," Wesley amended gravely.
Lorne's mouth dropped open in shock at those two words, and his green skin grew lighter as he paled at the mere thought. He didn't have anything against Lesbians, but he just could not imagine Cordelia and Fred being such, especially not being such together. "No," he whispered after a long moment. "You've got to be kidding me! They wouldn't!"
Both men nodded gravely just as, as if to emphasize their affirmation, Cordelia's voice exclaimed from inside the office, "WOW, Fred! I don't believe you were able to build it that big!"
"What can I say? A little geometry goes a long way."
"Fred, you're cutting yourself short again. It's so big! It's so massive!" Cordelia exclaimed passionately with longing in her voice.
None of the three men standing just outside the closed office door could believe what they were hearing. "It can't be," Lorne whispered. "Do you really think . . . ?"
"I remember what Willow was like before she turned," Wesley whispered urgently. "None of us could have ever seen her becoming one, but she did."
"Here, Cordy, let me show you how," Fred's voice spoke from within the office.
"Thanks, Fred! I don't believe you're sssooo good at this! It's amazing!"
By this time, there were three ears pressed tightly against the door and three men listening intently instead of just two.
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"Well, well, well," a voice chided suddenly from just behind the three eavesdroppers. Each man sprang away from the door as swiftly as if it had just burned them and whirled around only to confront Angel. The Vampire intently studied each of his guilty friends before asking in a hushed whisper, "So which one's Moe?"
Gunn almost raised his hand before Wesley spoke, "It's not what it appears to be, Angel."
"Really?" he asked, sarcasm heavy on his tongue. "Funny. It certainly looked to me like you were eavesdropping on Cordy and Fred."
"Okay," Wesley admitted, "so maybe it is, but . . . "
When he hesitated, Lorne quickly attempted to provide a cover for them. "They have a good excuse, Angel."
Angel questioningly arched a single eyebrow. "Don't you mean you?" he demanded in a hushed whisper. "You were listening in, too."
"I was only listening in to affirm the reason that they gave me when I found them eavesdropping first," Lorne rushed to explain.
"And what would that reason be?" Angel demanded, his dark eyes narrowed.
"Cordy and Fred are or, at least, we unfortunately have reason to believe that they are . . . "
When Wesley abruptly trailed off, seeming almost as if he had become frozen, Angel asked impatiently, "Well, Wes? Spill it already."
"Aw, man," Gunn pouted, "they're making out!"
"WHAT?!?!" Angel suddenly roared.
"Sh!" Gunn, Wesley, and Lorne all whispered urgently.
"You don't want them to hear us! They'll find out we've been eavesdropping!"
"Good. Then maybe they'll tell you what idiots you are," Angel hissed angrily though in a low whisper.
"If you think we're so full of it," Gunn demanded heatedly, "why're you whispering again?"
"Because I want to know what in the Hell would put such stupid ideas in your heads."
The other men began to quickly fill Angel in on what they had overheard, including a few direct quotes, and by the time they had finished, Angel was stunned. It certainly sounded like they were right, but his Cordelia would never --! Angel had no sooner thought that than he heard his beloved's voice, broken by heavy breathing: "Fred, I think . . . I think I'm . . . gonna . . . I'm going to . . . "
"Of course you're going to, Cordy!" Fred exclaimed eagerly. "It can't take much more! I'm almost there, too!"
Four ears pressed closely against the door, and Angel tightly gripped the doorknob to keep it from being accidentally turned as they all pushed together, struggling desperately to catch each word with a deeply worried face on every one of the four. Heavy breathing and frantic pounding of something that not even Angel's ears could determine the identity of filled the room until Cordy's voice suddenly broke the silence. "Yes! Yes!" she exclaimed repeatedly. "Yes! Yes! YES!!!!!!!!"
As Cordelia continued to exclaim happily, the pounding continued but was not half as loud as it had previously been. Finally, Fred's voice joined Cordelia's in her Texan yell that Gunn had previously thought only he could bring out of her. Shock filled the four faces even as the women rejoiced. Angel, blinded by the fury that came from losing his beloved to another of her own gender, turned the doorknob, and the four men tumbled into the room.
Cordelia's and Fred's exclamations and yells of delight broke off abruptly as they turned as one to stare in shock at the four men that now lay on the floor in a jumbled heap. "WHAT IN THE HELL WERE YOU DOING?!" Cordelia exclaimed heated, furious that the guys had dared to eavesdrop on them.
Angel jumped to his feet first. "Cordy, how could you?!" he exclaimed, unshed tears glistening in his eyes.
"How could we what?" she demanded.
"Don't play games!" Gunn exclaimed hotly as he sprang erect. His sad yet furious chocolate eyes were directed solely on Fred as he told them, "You know exactly what we're talking about!"
"No, we don't!" Fred exclaimed, hurt beginning to show in her eyes. "What in the heck are y'all doin'?! How could ya eavesdrop on us like that?!" Her Texan accent was growing thicker with each passing second.
"Huh, guys," Wesley tried to warn as he stood, helping Lorne to his feet as he did so. "They've got their clothes on."
Though his sentence confused Cordelia and Fred even further, it went unheard by Gunn. "How could you screw around on me like that?!"
The entire room seemed to freeze at that one exclamation, and as the realization set in, the next events seemed almost to happen in slow movement. Angel, Wesley, and Lorne all winced and began to back slowly up. Anger that was belied only by the furious hurt that shone in their eyes set in to Cordelia and Fred. "How. Could. We. What!?!?!" they demanded in unison, their eyes flashing as they began to walk closer to their men.
"You know what I said!" Gunn persisted.
"Oh, I do not believe that you could think that of us!" Cordelia exclaimed heatedly through clenched teeth. Her eyes continued to flash furiously as she continued stepping closer to Angel and he continued backing.
"I didn't!" Angel protested.
"Oh, but you did!" Cordelia hissed. "You were eavesdropping just like the others! Hell, you were the first one to fall in through the door!"
"I . . . I . . . " Angel frantically raked his brain, trying desperately to come up with some excuse that might calm his beloved and save him from her fury.
"We were playing a stupid game!" Fred hollered. "A GAME! And y'all thought we were . . . we were . . . ! Ah can't even bring mahself ta say it!"
"I thought you knew me, Angel!"
"Yeah," Fred chimed in, her exclamation directed at both Gunn and Wesley who she glared at over Gunn's shoulder, "Ah thought y'all knew me too!"
"HOW COULD YOU?!" the furious women again bellowed as they finally closed in on their men, Cordy backing Angel against the wall while Fred backed Gunn against Wesley. The hotel rang with the echo of the sound of the slaps that the girls gave their men's cheeks.
Lorne began to chuckle nervously, and both female heads snapped up in his direction, their eyes still narrowed. "You think it's funny?!" Cordelia exclaimed. As one, Fred and Cordy moved towards Lorne, and he backed frantically until his back met the opposing wall of the hall. He tried to slip pass them but had no chance to do them as they swung their hands again, slapping each of his cheeks.
Cordelia and Fred turned to storm off, but Fred hesitated. "Hold on a sec," she told Cordy. "Ah forgot something." She turned and marched back towards Gunn who shrank away from her. Much to both Gunn's surprise and relief, Fred turned to Wesley and slapped him instead.
Fred swiftly rejoined Cordelia, and the two stormed off down the hallway. Cordy shouted back to the guys, "JUST SO YOU KNOW, IT ISN'T OVER!"
"YEAH," Fred chimed in, "THE WAR'S JUST BEGINNIN'!"
They then began to talk as they continued to storm off. "So, Fred, what do you say we go club hopping tonight?"
"Sounds good, Cordy. Maybe we can even pick up a couple of DECENT MEN who DON'T THINK WE'D EVER SLEEP TOGETHER!"
Silence fell as they stormed out of the Hyperion, leaving four stunned men in their wake. Angel was the first to speak long minutes afterward, and even then, his voice was soft and timid. "I don't know rather to be more relieved that they're not doing what you idiots made me think they were or," he admitted truthfully, "to be more afraid.
"Afraid," Lorne, Gunn, and Wesley all answered in unison as the four continued to stare at the last place they had seen the women.
The End