Work Text:
The Invitationalan Iolausian fantasy by Rielle
Legal Disclaimer: This work of fiction has its roots in many sources and Im sure the reader will be able to discern what some of those are. The fictional characters as portrayed here, such as Hercules, Gabrielle, or Iolaus are the sole property of Pacific Renaissance Pictures and MCA Universal and no infringement of their copyrights is intended.
Humor disclaimer : Anyone taking this fantasy seriously, or perceived to be even trying to take it seriously will be severely and immediately giggled at; until they have no choice but to giggle in return. Thank you, the management.
Ceallach,Hebea, Ellen Ceredwyn, Ceridwen, Electra,Gem, Sage, Melisande, Wendee, Chris, Locita, Mage, White Raven, Robinsnest, Chattan, Anglofans, Cass, fyresong, Jael, Rielle, Rhonda, Deoris, Robyn, Crystl, tennie, Jeanne, Beckers, Nora, Kleandra, Terentia, and Kithara .
Perri, Corb, Penthesilea, Owlharp, RogueX, Margui, Despoena, Scan, Margaret,Bwell Nanaea,Almalthea, Jane, SourceIT, Tyche, Mania, Ishtar Kaly, Gwen,Riordan Psamanthe, Deb, DreamCatcher, Maven, Ceryndip, Dormouse,Thea, Ayondra, Jessica,
Storm,Seilidhe, Moonsong, Danae, Kirby, Nicandrea, Danielle, , Lacoya, Harmony, Susann, Terpsicore,Moon, Lorien, Micandra,Scholar, Lassair, Laura, Starfire, Surei, Semele, Sif, Callisto,Sorsha, SueCynders, Gazelle,Virgo, yla,Freya,
Rheana, Wildkat, Dragona, Ann,hercfan Lisa,renny,Keesha, Ziggy, CelticFury, Castalia, Dunigans,Drosie,Norcia, Chrysim, Catstale, Lasha, Cleindori, Jodi,Macchiata,molli,Rimsey,Carolyn, Astraea,
Jamie, Yols, b5fanatic, Panthera,Raven Huntress, Marisa, Calee, Helle2, rhonwyn, Klio***** .
Thats . . give or take about one hundred twenty.
Whispering to himself, the compactly built, fair haired man first read and then counted the names on the strange looking, thin and fragile parchment hed been given when he asked for the members. He looked back at the person who handed him the list.
I thought you said there were a lot of people. he protested, mildly. I thought you said they were mostly women and there were hundreds of them, willing and eager. This list only shows something over a hundred.
Really? I didnt know you could count that high. The other chuckled and then grimaced.
Very funny. Im the son of a general, whether I like it or no, you know.. He was always counting troops or supply wagons or something. I learned numbers almost before I learned words. So what about this list? he demanded, his eyes flashing annoyance.
No, its not complete, not by any means; even today we dont have any means to count accurately who is really interested but too busy to communicate with people of a like mind, or who may be taking heed of whats going on but saying nothing, or who is simply enjoying whatever is presented and making no response.
And, so these names are . .
These names are some of the people who have made themselves known. They are very interested and very communicative about their likes and dislikes. They talk to each other and they talk to as many other people as they can, individually.
They send letters. They draw pictures, they write poetry and bards tales, that better suit their idea of how things should be. They make themselves very, very clear. For example, they didnt much like the jokes Discord played. But they thought the grape stomping contest was very funny. They call themselves, and I think you may get an understanding from this; Iolausians.
Iolausians? the man was reading the list again. He looked up and grinned. Well, that sounds like a compliment, at least. And Im to meet with them?
Well, thats what I was hoping you would agree to do. One thing though, youre going to need to learn the main language they use. Its called fannish and its very complicated.
Ive always been a quick study. The flaxen haired man shook his head. Not to worry.He grinned brightly and reassuringly patted the woman's shoulder. She smiled back and smoothly turned away from his strong right hand, just as it moved downwards.
Yes, I see you are. I hope I dont have to tell you before you meet with these Iolausians, they are all very modern, independent women. They all have very strong opinions and one of the strongest opinions they have in common is that a woman must be allowed to say if or when she wants to be approached.
A woman must be . . . He puzzled over that statement for a moment and then nodded his understanding. Oh, in public, of course! I understand that. I have known a few women in my life, you know. And the most interesting were always the ones with the strong . . opinions.
They still are. His companion agreed and then led him to an odd looking table with one frail looking chair on either side. Come and sit down. Ill order in some lunch and we can get you started learning their names and the terms they use amongst each other. It will make the meeting all that more special for them.
And just why are we doing this, for this group of people? the man asked.
Thats part of what Im going to be explaining to you. I guess you could say, as a pleasant surprise. The woman sighed, You might say, theyve earned it.
Well, that should be fun, then. He agreed.
Later that same day in several corners of the fannish speaking world, the list was buzzing with confusion, curiosity and not a little incredulity.
Yeah, I got that email. You got it too? the messages ran, from England to Canada, from Holland to Australia, from the US to New Zealand and from Germany to Indonesia.
But she got it, I heard, and so did she, and can you believe it *she* got it too?
It must be a pyramid scheme. One post to the list advised.
Its some strange kind of chain letter, dont you think? someone else asked.
Its got to be a scam. Another agreed. Be careful.
Theres no way they would send for us, for so many of us, in fact, I heard they sent the same email to *each* of us, individually. Not to the list, separately, using separate email addresses!
Did you say to each of us? Do you mean everyone on the list? another demanded. Why would they do that?
Yeah, dont they know some of us barely email each other, sometimes?
Yeah, dont they know we have some very, very different opinions here and we can get a bit hot under the collar? Why would they do this? It doesnt make any sense.
Ghu knows. Its a joke of some kind. Its a way early April Fools trick. Another suggested.
Well thats it then. Its spam. Ignore it. someone added to the thread.
Well of course were going to ignore it. Just because out of a clear blue sky we get an email inviting us on an all expense paid trip to the one place most of us will never have a chance to go; none of us are going to drop everything were doing and go! another post answered.
How could we? Whoever this is must be really nave. Real Life doesnt let people just take off and go somewhere, no matter who is footing the bill. We have families, churches, schools, jobs, for Ghus sake! Its ridiculous.
But its not for three months yet. Another post came back wistfully to the list. And its just a couple days. And its sooo beautiful there, far as I can tell from the pictures, anyway.
Its a national park, for Ghus sake! came the response about half a dozen times over. You dont get to see what the towns or the cities look like.
But this would be in a hotel, wouldnt it? someone else asked. I just dont believe someone would pay for so many people they dont know. . . .It just really is crazy, isnt it?
Im afraid so.
Wouldnt it be wonderful if it werent? someone posted. Imagine who. . .I mean what you could see, sigh.
The next IRC the group held was still buzzing with talk of the invitations, which members had been getting repeatedly.
Has anyone responded to the invitations? Has anyone received anything more than the basic information from whoever is sending these? Hebea asked, doing her best to maintain cyber calm.
No, not as far as I know. The best advice seemed to be not to communicate with whoever the heck is emailing our members, but instead if we feel uneasy or upset to complain to our servers. Ceallach answered her co-ILG.
Did anyone try to check back the source of the invitations? Does someone on the list know how to really figure out where the emails are coming from? It certainly isnt RPR or MCA. Owlharp cyber giggled.
Theyre businesses, after all, not charitable organizations. Penth sighed. They arent going to spend that kind of money on a measly group of crankier than average fans. Are they?
Absolutely no way. Ceryndip responded. Aint gonna happen.
Too d**n bad, aint it? Chrysim sighed. Did anyone check with the Oracle?
Thanks, Chrys, a whole lot of people asked me, but this time I know about as much as the rest of you. Sorry to be late, ladies. I was making another call to see if anyone in NZ had heard anything more. They havent. Not one word. And for something like this, time would have to be booked and hotel rooms and schedules rearranged and . . . .Wait just a sec! Ellen broke off what she was telling the others and then came back. Well, Im sure it doesnt mean a thing, but in three months, the crews *will* be on hiatus. But that doesnt mean anything. Whatever projects those folks have are booked far, far in advance.
Well of course they are.
Of course.
Echoes of agreement ran around the chat room.
Maybe someone should follow up on the invitation. Just to see what happens. Chattan suggested.
Well, I guess. It wouldnt mean taking the trip, just checking to see what happens next. Rielle answered.
Why are we being so cautious? Crystl asked the group. What harm is there in finding out what response we get from whoever it is if we say yes, were interested?
No harm, I suppose. Dormouse replied Its not like were taking any great chance just by investigating further.
We can always take what they say with a barge load of salt and call the BBB. Jael interjected. Thats the Better Business Bureau, for yall non Yanks.
Quite. Ceredywn answered and then quickly apologized to all present. This was the fourth time in a month shed agreed with Jael and certain protocols were not being maintained.
Wouldnt it be wonderful to go there and meet folks from the list, I mean and see . . the scenery? Terentia, ever the optimist suggested.
It would be great. Beckers agreed with her cyber sis. But hardly likely to happen. Whos going to check this out?
I will. Castalia volunteered. And so will my intrepid traveling companions. We should have some networking we can do. Hebea, did I understand that these invitations have been emailed to every single person on the list?
Thats what Ive been told. Hebea replied. And I can tell you some of our 90% lurkers arent thrilled about it. Theyve been bugging Ceallach and me and their servers to find out how their addys were given. Of course we did no such thing, and I told them that. I think I managed to soothe some ruffled feathers. But Cas, whatever you can find out, post to the list, please. I dont want to lose people over this, especially if its somebodys idea of a joke!
Just as you say, o mighty List Goddess!
The chat broke up for the evening with multitudes of hugz going around the chat room.
It was very late in some locales and very early in others. The chatters mostly went off to bed, to dream of beautiful scenery, of many kinds.
Three months, one week, two days and five hours later: [but whos counting?]
In the large ballroom of the largest hotel in the capital city, women were gathering. They were women of all ages and races, women with husbands and children, women with partners, and single women. They were short and tall, curvy and willowy, dark and fair. They had as many differences between each other inwardly as they had outwardly. They held to different faiths, different goals, different perspectives on life. But today they had two significant things in common: each carried a printed out form of the email they received inviting them to this location on this date, and each wore or put on as she entered the room, a bright purple badge.
Some of the women had met several times in person and were the first to share hugs and welcomes. Others only knew each other by the online names theyd adopted. They read these on each others badges, inscribed in gold letters over their real-life names. A second round of glad welcomes and hugs began and ran in a tidal wave of affection through the crowd. Even those who entered most timidly and would have hurried to the sidelines, were caught up in the building excitement.
Locita and Capn Nates Amazons, led by sergeant at arms Electra, quickly formed an honor guard, leading each woman or group of women to one of the table and chair settings in the hall. Jael and Rielle, as well as their adopted sister Rhonda and their daughters joined in to help make sure everyone was both adequately and comfortably accommodated. Hebea, Ceallach, Ellen and the other elders amongst the membership walked the room, warmly greeting each woman present. The Volunteering Newbie contingent, as theyd named themselves, scurried about with treats and potables for everyone.
An aura of mystery persisted though, as one woman after another described how circumstances and obstacles that would have kept them from being here changed, resolved or just disappeared. I couldnt believe it. was the phrase most often heard as the women exchanged tales. As the ballroom filled, so did the air with stories of helpful older children, cooperative husbands and understanding employers.
Slowly it became clear to everyone present that an amazingly large percentage of the full Iolausian membership had made the journey, to meet one another, to see the country, and to find out who had arranged this remarkable event. And those who were absolutely unable to be there, due to illness at home or last minute emergencies, were able to get on a live satellite feed, or an online connection.
Were *all* together. The three word phrase sang around the room, amazing and cheering the women. Were in the same place at the same time!
Yeah, and we havent had each other killed, grimaced Ceryndip
Oh, good. Jael laughed, grimly. Now I guess, RP is going to blow up the hotel!
Naw, theyd be taking too much of a chance! Think of the class action lawsuit our survivors could bring! Klio responded, shaking her head.
A tapping on the microphone in the front of the long room got everyones attention. Three women stood there, smiling at the crowd. One was dressed neatly in the blouse, vest and skirt most of the female employees of the hotel wore, with the hotels name embroidered on her left breast pocket. One was in the stewards garb from the airline almost all the attendees had taken to the capital city, due to a airfare war that gave a tremendously favorable rate.
The last was far more casually dressed, with big sunglasses and a burnished southern California tan, and the emblem of a certain production company on her cap.
Ladies, this third woman called out. Ladies, if I can have your attention, please? Thank you. We dont plan to take very much of your time this afternoon, I know some of you have to catch flights out tonight or early tomorrow morning. I hope youve enjoyed your stay in this beautiful city, and your jaunts into the surrounding countryside, of which the natives here are so justly proud.
And for the last time, I want to express the production companys appreciation for your being here and waiting so patiently for this last event on our planned program. The rest of the evening, as weve been doing all week long is yours to do with as you please. Right now, were expecting someone who agreed to come and speak with you, and Im afraid the traffic may have caused a delay or something like that. Ive been expressly asked not to say who that person is, ladies, Im very sorry. Thats one question I cant answer.
The tanned woman smiled in chagrin and then gestured toward each of her companions, introducing them.
When our guest for this afternoon arrives, I wanted to let you know that Nerissa here, from the airline, will be interpreting for those of you who are hearing impaired; and that Anya is also here, taking time from her hotel duties, to help out.
Curiouser and curiouser. Rielle muttered to her partner, Jael who nodded agreement, studying the women in the front of the room.
Yeah, she finally said, did anyone else notice the lady from Lala land didnt give *her* name?
If I hadnt found that Maori shop, and those wonderful sheepskin vests and slippers, Im not sure even a paid for trip would have been worth all this suspense! Kleandra, sitting behind them announced.
I never knew that old cliche could be so close to the truth. Cass agreed, with a laugh.. This suspense *is* killin me!
Well Im glad to get to meet so many IMLers Crystl responded. But I sure hate waiting!
Once again, the microphone being tapped got their attention. Ladies, excuse me, how silly of me! the women whod addressed them earlier said, laughing. I forgot to let you know, my name is Melissa. Now, excepting for the identity of the person were expecting, do you have any other questions?
A brief silence followed her question, the Iolausians looked at one another and almost as one, shook their heads no.
Well, okay then! Melissa exclaimed, a little too brightly and stood back from the microphone.
Conversations sprang up all around the room again, glasses and cups clinked, jokes and stories were told, laughter filled the air. It became once more a room full of women getting to know one another better. Some were bragging about bargains theyd found, some were sharing the latest fannish gossip, and others were talking a bit wearily of how theyd be heading home again in the next few hours.
Then a gasp started at the tables farthest back in the ballroom and quickly swept the room into silence again. A man in casual clothing, jeans, a plaid shirt and a decidedly professorial looking jacket entered at the back, surprising everyone, including it seemed, Melissa. He was tan, just over forty and wore silver rimmed glasses. And he was as wiry and as fair haired as the man in the pictures almost everyone in the room knew by heart. As he walked down the center aisle, the assembled women murmured and buzzed like an overturned beehive.
Women all over the room stood up and blatantly stared at him, then almost fell back into their seats. Theyd been asked somewhat adamantly not to bring cameras, and now many of the women were wishing theyd ignored that injunction. And as before, they were all saying much the same thing; except for those who had differing ideas!
Is it him? Margui demanded.
Well it *cant* be! CelticFury declared.
Gods, hes gorgeous! Rimsey stage whispered.
Its not him, is it? Keesha asked.
I think Im gonna THUD! Marisa sighed.
No, hes working on LOTR! Raven Huntress insisted.
Yes, I read that in British Variety! Anglofans agreed.
No, hes getting ready to be in the second Star Wars prequel! Kithara told them.
No, hes on vacation with Jennifer and Jack. I read that on the newsgroups! Norcia contradicted her.
Well, whatever *hes* doing, this guy must be either his stand in or his clone! Look at him! Wildkat called out.
The flaxen haired man took in their words and their gazes with clear enjoyment and equanimity. There were at least a hundred women in this huge room and they *were* all very interested in him! He grinned all around at the assembled women and a few of them actually swayed on their feet, before they sat down.
*Well,* he told himself *guess I havent lost that royal touch!*
Arriving at the microphone, he greeted Anya, Nerissa and Melissa with friendly pecks on their cheeks; as this was what hed been told was appropriate and acceptable in this public venue. He winked at Melissa, who seemed both glad to see him and chagrined.Is there a problem? he asked, his intense blue eyes wide and innocent.
N-no, she stammered, I just thought you were going to arrive a little earlier, or call or . . . make the entrance we talked about, from the back of the room.
I did enter from the back he replied, confused, and then looked where she was gesturing.
Oh, you mean the other back, back there. Sorry. Am I to talk with them now?
Yes, Nerissa is going to interpret for you and Anya is studying languages in grad school. Shes going to translate, just as we discussed earlier.
But Ive been listening to those teaching devices for months now. I understand you perfectly. And I think you can understand me, cant you? he put a reassuring hand on Melissas arm and grinned.
Yes, but this is something we devised as a special surprise for the Iolausians. Remember? They worked so hard, they spent so much time and energy, thats why theyre here today.
Explain that to me once more. Exactly why am I here? he demanded, frowning.
So that we can thank them for all their energy, all their concern, all their letters and wires and . . . all that. You are here to thank them. No more. No less. We agreed. Remember?
Yes, yes I do. he nodded I remember quite a lot. Well then, Im ready, ladies. Lets not keep the Iolausians waiting any longer, shall we?
He turned to face the assembled women again and smiled at them. Ladies, Im sorry I kept you waiting today. I had some monstrous . . traffic snarls to deal with. I know that a lot of you have traveled tremendous distances to be here and I wanted to let you know personally how much I appreciate that. . . Well, I didnt think I would be, but I guess Im a bit nervous. He became more nervous by the minute. They werent listening to him any longer.
The room full of women watched him speaking into the microphone and slowly but surely realized they couldnt understand what the fair haired man was saying.
The woman introduced as Anya began to translate for him and the Iolausians stared at her.
What language is he speaking? Corb asked Chrys, who shook her head and looked at
Penthesilea. The scholar and former warlord didnt respond, she was listening intently to the man speaking.
Im not sure. Jael answered, sitting just on Penthes left. He might be speaking Greek. No Im not kidding, I *mean* Greek, Im studying it. But why should he?
It sounds kinda like Greek. Robyn said, but not the way my grandfather speaks it. I can only understand a few words hes using. The voice and the tense are . . .way different.
O my gods! Penthe finally exclaimed. Hes *not* speaking *modern* Greek. Jael, Deoris, what do you think? Is it Attic? Is it Koine?
Nobodys sure what Attic or Koine really sounded like. Jael offered.
But why should he be speaking Greek or anything other than the Queens English? Deoris, who felt as if shed suddenly been plunged back into her classics studies course, demanded.
I dont know. It could be an act. It could be some kind of nonsense they decided to pull as a joke. Ceredwyn added.
That would be like them, Rielle said a bit more hotly than she intended to. But it wouldnt be like . . . well, like I think . . . .She blushed beet red and sat down, chagrined.
What are you suggesting, Rielle? Deoris asked. Youre not saying....
Well, it sure *looks* like him! If not, why the secrecy? Why the doubletalk? Why the ...
Give me a break, Ceallach responded. Youre asking why RP would try to flim-flam us? When did they *stop*?
OK, so we look like idiots if were wrong. What else is new? Jael said, giggling. Lets try something. Anybody besides me bring a copy of Archilochos?
In response two paperbacks and one worn hardback copy of the works of an ancient Greek poet appeared around her, making the seminarian bard grin. Good, now well see how he reacts.
After a few minutes huddling, scribbling on a program and murmuring, half a dozen women stood up and asked for the speakers attention.
Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. But wed just like to give our guest a proper greeting. Penthesilea requested.
Anya told him what had been said and he nodded agreement.
Tay Nella Kallinika, they read aloud, giving the phonetically closest version they could devise. Kair Anax Herakles! Autos Te Kai Iolaos they continued Aikmayta Duo.
Tay Nella Kallinka he answered with the refrain, smiling widely, as happy as any immigrant to hear his native speech. Kair Anax Herakles! His eyes brightened with unshed tears. His whole manner changed. He looked over at Melissa, and Anya, who put up her hand as if to stop this kind of spontaneity. He shook his flaxen head adamantly no, and the two women backed off. He turned back to the Iolausians and smiled.
Well, youve found me out. I dont think I should be surprised. I was told you were intelligent and not easily fooled. Im sorry. I shouldnt have been part of this . . adventure. If any of you feel tricked or hurt, I deeply apologize. That wasnt my intent. Why once I learned this English of yours and saw what youve been saying and doing and writing on my behalf . . . .
A buzz spread like wildfire through the crowd. Whats he saying? You mean its really *him*? Nah, cant be, hes just...
Dori finally spoke for everyone. Holy jump up and sit down! It *is* him!
A hush descended over the crowd.
I only wanted to meet the people who had that much caring and love to give to someone theyd never really met, and likely never would, the unlikely summoner continued. This seemed like a good way to do that. Only things got. . . complicated. My best friend used to warn me about complicated ideas all the time . . . I think you may have heard of him? The man grinned again and winked at his rapt audience. Big guy, really strong, doesnt like bullies or tyrants or bad tempered gods? Hercules, friend of Iolaus?
Laughter ran through the room then and everyone relaxed.
Look I only have one more thing to tell you, or maybe two. He said, smiling. Firstly, you can believe me and Mr Twain, I believe his name was, when I say Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. And lastly, I hear rumors: Im to live to be a hundred years old, have some wives and kids of my own at last, take care of the big Guys family, settle in on Olympus. . .become an immortal? Well, I dont know about that, my dear Iolausians. But thanks to you, Im gonna to live at least five thousand years. . . and then, well, I think Im simply *never* going to die! Thank you.
Finis?