Work Text:
Character Assassination, a new DOOL ficlet/ a Parody by Rielle
Time: the Present
Place: Los Angeles California
Scene: The offices of DOOL Producer and Head writer,
They were convoing, busily eating and drinking a business lunch and convoing with the bigwigs at network hq. NBC's President of Entertainment was on the other end of their conference call and he was thrilled with the latest news/rumors spreading throughout the internet and the showbiz 'community.
"Guys!" he exclaimed, "Have you heard this one? Days fans all over the net are applauding our choice of spoilers and the means we used to spread them! They are literally eating up the violence and drinking the blood of every new sk victim on the show, in a toast to our combined genius! I mean, together we've turned what used to be Days of Our Lives into a cheap $4 combo of Friday the 13th, Fear Factor and Survivor and they love it! Especially the five -to-twelve crowd, the ones who are yowling through each new episode, and then dragging mommy off to Wal-Mart to buy the food and soap and toys and soap and games and soap and magazines and soap and ...well you get the idea, right? I mean, they like us, they really, really, really like us!"
"What are you smoking these days, man?" the Producer whined. "You sound like you really, really, no really like this crap we're putting on the air. I mean, sweetie, baby honey, sweetie, it's garbage and there are still some fans of the show out there who know it! They've stopped watching and they're encouraging other fans to stop, too. The show is going to tank! I mean the ratings were in the tank before but now that we've got them up by a quarter percentage point, they're going to really drop! You know I'm right, my Dad told me when I got to be producer I'd always be right, uh, except when the HW or the Network Prez is right, of course. And my Dad was always right! "
"I'm tired of your whining." the Head Writer groaned. "I write the classiest junk and the best trash, and the highest paid tripe on daytime, and I get paid the big bucks to do it! We're taking ratings on this turkey right through the roof, man! Hey, we might get up to a ...2.1! "[He didnt' bother to explain to the Dim-Bulb who was technically the Producer there, that he was writing his once and present soap into the ground and off the air, in hopes of keeping his own project, the one he'd waited years to write and produce, afloat on the rough seas of daytime television.]
"Listen up, you two nim-nulls!", the Network Jerk ordered. "Is this a secure line, cos I hear some weird kinda elevator music in the background, but I can't tell if its an instrumental version of Laila or Knights in White Satin. Hey! Lemme go! Hey, what the hell are you doin, man? I'm President of Entertainment, around here!"
Before his partners in crime could so much as eeep in reaction, the Network Type was being hauled through their office doors by a group of very angry, but very photogenic, but very disappointed characters.
"Who the hell are they?" the Producer squealed in terror, as they came for him, dragging the Network Jerk by the scruff of his expensively tailored neck.
"Umm, wait, I'm not sure..." the HW complained. "Damn it, I guess I'm finally going to have to check the Show's bible!" Having done so, where he'd carefully hidden it in his trash-files on his locked pc, locked because he had no idea how to unlock it, the HW printed out a long, long sheet and began to read names, and as he read, each character named took a step closer to the Producer, who cringed, again and again.
"Abe, Jack4, Maggie, Caroline, Cassie, Roman3, Tony, the informant, Celeste, Sami, Lucas, Kate2, Kate1, Marlena, John, Father John, Jewel thief John, Mercenary John, MASH doctor John, pilot John, Bo1, Ops, Tek, Mickey, Bonnie, Mimi, Rex, Phillip1,Sean-D6, Belle, Phillip2, Alice, Lexie, Jennifer1, Abby, Will, Hattie, Nicole, Victor, Kim1, Kayla2, Steve, Shane, Carly, Nikky1, Nikky2, Billie1, Hope, Marie, Bill, Tommy, Mike8, Laura7, Kristen, Peter, Bo2, Roman1, Roman2, Isabella, Billie2, Greta, Gina1, Gina2, Gina3-4, Tom, Sr, Sean, Sr, Austin1, Doug, Don, Julie, Liz, Anna, Carrie1, Carrie2, Mike1-7, Lawrence, Viv, Stefano, Lee, Renee, Robert, Neil, Theo, Jonah, Brandon, Taylor, Eric, Benjy, Frankie, Eve, David, Scott, Faith, Justin, Adrienne, Jo, Vern, Tanner, Molly, Brian, Ginger, Hawk, ........Did I leave anyone out?"
"Plenty!" the dark haired, willowy, hazel-eyed leader of the crowd yelled. "But don't worry, who's in this cast and who's not isn't going to be your problem much longer you two-bit hack!"
"Now, Billie1, that's not fair, and that's not nice....I wrote you into being, as a classic hooker with a hard life story and a heart of gold!" the HW wailed as she stomped on his expensive Italian loafers. "What's up with this, Billie, why are you hangin' with so many of these losers? You're a class act, lady, haven't you heard the rumors, you could be on your way back!"
"To do what, screw up the sk investigation like Roman, John, Bo, Hope, SeanD, Ops, Tek and the entire SPD have been doing? No thanks, I'm ISA, now, deadhead and I've got bigger fish to fry. I came over to help out my buds and make sure you keep your hack mouth shut while they have their say. And if I have to ...stuff a sock in it, JERk, believe me when I say I will.
And I will lie in the tall grass waiting for you, Jimbo, Cos you are what's killing the ancient and honorable.....You're killing off soaps, left right and center, damn it! And I'm only the one who could walk fastest of these types, bc they're all worn down with the stuff you've been putting them through. So sit down, Reilly put on your hat and shut the heck up for once. Take it, Mrs H."
"Thank you so very much, Billie dear. " Alice Horton smiled, and walked carefully up to but not too close to the quavering, quivering trio of supposed powers that be. "Now, aren't you boys just a little ashamed of yourselves?" she asked in a kindly tone, but with a determined glint in her beautiful eyes. "We had a lovely, romantic, friendly little town in the middle of somewhere called Salem. We had troubles, naturally, or we'd have no sls at all. but we had fun, too, adventures, friends, lovers, children, and grandchildren by the yard! And we had our history, intact and cherished by thousands upon millions of our dear friends in the audience.
And we had that until you boys sold us all down the river, sometime last spring, when the contract came up and the Network began making crazy demands. And now what's left, Me and Kate, who hardly get along, Celeste, who's losing her mind, if she only lives long enough, Victor, who can't decide whether to mourn Caroline or kill Nicole, Nicole who can't decide whether to boink Brady or kill Victor, and that reminds, me, where is my darling Nico? I haven't seen him since the day Abe Carver was shot? Marlena's supposed to be the sk, but that's just not possible, as we all know what a total saint she is these days, and John.... well, I'm speaking out of turn.
This is what I wanted to say to you boys and then I'll step aside for my relatives and friends from Salem, wherever the heck that is: You aren't the good little boys I had to my house for cocoa and donuts in the winter, and lemonade and cookies in the summer, and your ornaments will never hang on a Horton Christmas tree again! And it serves you right for deliberately plotting the destruction of my family, my friends and my town. Good day to you, boys, and may this be a lesson to you. Your turn, Caroline, dear."
"Thanks, Alice, I have a few things I want to say to these turkeys, and then I'm collecting Sean and Victor, my kids and my precious grandchildren and getting them all as far as possible away from these three bloody handed monsters." Caroline Brady, bristling with classic Irish Grandmother ire, frowned at the IIC, and then went on.
"You know, boys, no one likes getting killed off of a show they love, no one. But you have made this whole story about beloved characters being killed into a sick, sick joke! People falling into open graves, people constantly clonking or grabbing people who simply weren't looking, people threatening each other and their kids, foolish premonitions and faked superstitions no one ever heard of.
I mean, your last names Reilly, Jim, and you couldn't do a web search for Irish superstitions? But what really took the cake, guys, was that incredibly lame stuff you have with these ghosts, including mine: singing, leaving cryptic messages, vague warnings, idiotic signs and signals? I wouldnt' do that to my family and friends and you should know that.
Well, there's a lot more I could say, but as I said, I have travel plans. and the rest of my friends each has something they want to bring up, including a couple of the points I wanted to make. Meanwhile, I wouldn't open those PDAs of yours anytime soon, lads. You won't like what you see."
Naturally, all three of the men she was talking to opened their PDAs and girly screamed for a full 30 seconds of mind leeching terror. On each screen was an animation of the Romans, the Bos, the Jacks, the Billies, the Kims and everyone else of the chars of Salem who couldnt' carry a tune in a bucket, singing 'How are Things in Glochamora/Glendale HQ" at the top of their lungs.
"I told you not to open them!" Caroline grinned. "I'm on my way, and I have no more need of your puny minds, because I'm going to live on as an American television icon, amongst the unlauded many and the famous few, right up there with Miss Ellie from Dallas, June Cleaver, Abby from Knots Landing, Teddy on Sisters, and Mrs. Olivia Walton! Cassie, darling, I think you deserve to go next, give'em heck, my girl!"
"I will....Caro.....I mean grandma Brady. I guess I didn't really have enough time to get used to knowing I had an extended family, much less to having one." Cassie walked up and glared provocatively at the trio of 'powers', her expression scathing, and clearly getting their interest, even though she neglected to pull her shirt up.
"You guys are real dorks, you know that? I had potential, I had sex appeal, I had all the guys in Salem, and on the other side of the screen, too, salivating after my cute little semi-dressed bod, and you turned me into a pincushion? And all this just to defuse a possible ageism class action suit by the other chars you killed off? And this less than two days after you introduce me to my real parents, as their daughter, I mean. How crass is that, not to mention gross!"
Cassie giggled, knowing they were afraid of her now, and loving it. "You are a real trip, fellows, but don't worry, I didn't bring any of those yucky blood stained knives with me today. I brought my hunky, ingenious brother Rex, instead and my totally kewl new boyfriends, SeanD, Phillip, and half the male student population of Salem U! They are going to beat the living crap out of you, but I told them they have to wait until at least the most of our talented team has their say. That way, I thought, you'd have something to look forward to!"
Still laughing, Cassie walked away, tagging the collected Johns, Romans, Bos and , Jacks and Mikes to take their turn together. "Hi," they chorused to the increasingly terrified trio. "We're the handsomest, most tragic, most gifted, sexiest, most misunderstood, and most adored men who ever graced the streets of Salem, serial-romantic leads, you might say, all of us.
And we're here today to register notice on you of our totally classic, classy class action suit, which by the way, gents, has also been joined by the Davids, the Scotts, Stefano, Orpheus, the Wylands, the Bills, Mickey, Tom, Sr and Jr, Alex Marshall, Justin, Emilio, Shane, Rex, Sean Sr, Sean D, the Phillipis, Victor, Don, Doug, all the other great lookin' guys we've forgotten and our gracious, gifted, intensely handsome and incredibly sexy, not to mention completely fearless leader, Count Antony Dimera!"
"Gratzie, signore," Tony grinned, striding up and taking a proud stance in front of his all-male chorus. "Mille gratzie. Now, gentlemen," he said turning to the cowering trio. "Here is what I've come to say to you, after which I can promise you'll wish I and my male-bonding group had remained behind: because we will be leaving you to the not so tender mercies of the hot blooded, hot tempered and vengeance minded Women of Salem."
"What, what can you possibly have to say......You' should be in the morgue, by now, most of you more than once?" the HW finally found the breath to squeak.
"Well, that is only part of the complaint we've filed, my dear, dear murderous HW." Tony began to explain. "You see, it is not only the deaths of chars we are accusing you of and suing on the basis of, oh, no. It is a far wider charge you three are facing indictment and unquestionable conviction and penalties for: It's Character Assassination. Now, since you clearly know exactly what that means, I'm going to explain it anyway, as any good soap character would do.
It's this: when a writer ignores the events, relationships, mannerisms, family ties, quirks, habits, clothing preferences and athletic hobbies of the characters he writes for, he wounds those characters and that happens all the time and its bad enough.
But when a writer takes another step down that slippery slope, he begins to write the character as if s/he were amnesiac without any head injury to account for it, these characters are damaged, but still salvageable, even when the changes are from one day to the next as writers change jobs. However, in this case almost all of the characters you see here today, and especially the ones you're going to hear from next have been assassinated, by which we mean to say they have been written with nothing to recognize them by except their names and their alter-egos, i.e. the actors [both genders] who portray them. This is unalloyed nonsense and immeasurable cruelty to artistic life forms and we have come today to put an end to it, at least as far as this production company is concerned!
You have all been fired, as per our demand to the Network and the Overall Production Company. You can go stand in the unemployment lines in place of the portrayers you tried to be rid of. But, not until we're done here today. And we have, as I said, most of the distaff side of the chars to be heard from yet. First up, the Daughters and Mother Tag-Team Sami, Belle and Marlena Evans-Craig-Brady-Black! Marlena, darling you look incredible this evening, have I seen that delicious dress before?"
Marlena laughed throatily and shook her head, grinning at the Count, as she and her daughters joined him.
"Why Tony of course you have, this is that gorgeous off shoulder number I wore on our one and only 'date'. I still have the photo, don't you? Oh, Tony, Tony weren't those the Days! What fun we had, and almost had, and could have had if even then the writers had any idea at all that I really would have loved to do this, just as much as any other red-blooded woman in the world, in or out of Salem would want to."
Having said that, Marlena promptly demonstrated what she meant by grabbing the gorgeous Count and pulling him into a hot, deep, and still deeper kiss, to the cheers, catcalls and wolf-whistles of the entire assembled characters. And just to make sure no one would forget this moment in a hurry, she nipped down hard on his luscious, taunting, tempting lower lip, and whispered something that made even Tony Dimera blush to the roots of his dark, dark hair into his ear.
"I'd love to, Marlena, call when you get out of here, please, my dear. I'll be ready and waiting, that I can promise you." Tony promised, bowing to the Queen of ......that is, err,, the psychiatrist who had been his good, good friend for years.
"I thought so." Marlena grinned again, asking "How could ANYONE ever think I'd kill this gorgeous guy?" then turned to the women present and gathered them close to the front of the office, where they were joined by an even larger group of women, and a few men, who were laughing and joking with the chars, but plainly vexed with the unholy trio, now trying to hide behind Corday's desk.
"Ladies." Marlena purred. "Start your engines." With this cue given, Carly, Kristen, Carrie, Jenn, Kate, Kayla, Kim, Sami, Belle, Mimi, Cassie, Hopes, Meghan, Eve, Isabella, Bonnie, Greta, Gina, Billie, Trish, Liz, Anna, Renee, Lee, Alice, Julie, Addie, Marie, Jessica, Maggie, Melissa, and Sarah, Abby, and all the others, strode up behind her, singing the classic 'Women, Are Doing It for Themselves!"
When they were done, laughing and hugging each other they turned to face their tormentors.
"We're doing this for ourselves and for our guys, for our dads, our bros, our cousins, uncles, doctors, priests, ministers, male nurses and chauffeurs, bodyguards and heroes, lovers, husbands and boy-toys. We're here to serve notice on you three turkeys that your reign of terror will soon come to fateful, exciting and widely welcomed end! You have done more than enough harm and you don't even seem to know it. You are disgusting, death, blood and horror obsessed bastards who seem to forget that soaps are all about love and adventure, intrigue, conflicts, dreams, families, joys, weddings, and sorrows, and more than any thing, ROMANCE!
And here is the proof that you are on your way out, and we mean as soon as the tru fans of soaps and of what Days has been, and will be again when it recovers from your second reign of terror. A contract, signed by the company that actually owns all of you pathetic, sorry, sad and waste of protoplasm jerks, selling this fine, honorable, beloved and timeless soap opera to William Bell Productions, Inc, on the single proviso that none of you will be associated with the new production company for A NEW DAY IN OUR LIFE, produced by William and Bradlee Bell, and distributed by CBS, and rerun three times a day on SoapNet, to introduce their run of all the CBS soaps, old and new on that wonderful cable network, bringing our beloved show a new life, a new audience and another 38 years, at least. Goodbye, fellows, and don't let the garbage shute hit you on the ass on the way out!"
"Hey wait a sec, Mom!'" The Belles and Samis, Cassie, Billies, Jessica, Mimi, Melissas, Sarahs, and all the other daughters of Salem cried out. "We have something to say here, too!"
"Ooops! " their mothers laughed. "You Go Grrrls!"
"Dear Idiots In Charge," the girls began. "You are out and you've had all you're ever going to get from the Days of our lives, so, good bye, good luck and good riddance, but first we have a bone to pick with you. We don't like being written as dorky, horny, stupid helpless, crazy, helpless, man hungry baby-bitches and we won't put up with it anymore, so lissen up, just in case you ever get a job dusting the furniture on our next set!
We don't want our boyfriends to protect us, we learned from our moms and grandmoms that its up to the womenfolk around here to protect the men, even from themselves, We don't want our brothers to guard us, they're dorks and they don't have any respect for us as growing women, And most of all we don't want our divorced parents back together, you idiots, they were miserable together, we were miserable with them together and they were grouchy as hell cos they were lusting after.......fill in the blank. Also, we don't like being written as spoiled, narrow vision, narrow minded Princesses, or selfish, impetuous idiots and we don't want our history changed. Oh, and in this case fellas, Sami gets the last word, Go Sam!
"Gentlemen," Sami said, " and I use the word loosely. Please pay attention to this, the tall gentleman in the back of the room who looks like he should have been a baseball player, was the guy who raised me and we both thought he was my Dad, because of dirty tricks played by writers just like you, Jim, well, he's not but that doesn't matter a bit, because I love John just as much as I do my real Daddy and I never felt any different, not since I got therapy, anyhow.
So, I'm here to lay this on you, fellows. I'm going with my grandma, my man, Lucas, my kid the Willster and get as far away from your sicko minds as we can. You're not going to have Sami to push around, anymore, because I loathe you, I really, really, really loathe you, all of you and your weird ass corporate idea of entertainment, story telling, character development and show bizness in general. So, It's been, fellas, its really been, Sayonara, Suckers!"
Sami turned with a grin as bright as the winter sun breaking through the clouds and winked at her family friends and the newcomers as well.' "Oh, one last thing, I'd like to introduce you to the new writing staff of A NEW DAY OF OUR LIFE, Ladies, come on up and meet the scum you're taking over from: Ken, Jeff, Jim these are my friends and our new writers: Maria, Owl, Dee, Scott, Keith, L-'Beth, Vicky, Jael, Tana, Crystal, Joanie, all the best of fandoms' quirky talents and most especially all the terrific folks at NYTDOOLRPG!.
That's all she wrote! :)