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*I told him I loved him tonight. I haven't told anyone that since Jenny. And before that you, Shannon. He needed to hear it and I needed to say it. *
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*I left him sleeping in our bed. I came down to the basement because I had some things to work out. With you especially.*
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*I almost died today. He saved me, he brought me back. And he was the one who came over tonight with food and beer, and a shoulder to lean on even though he knew I wouldn't take him up on the offer. I've never been much of a talker. Remember how you used to kid me about that, Shan?*
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*Kelly's friend Maddie brought a lot of pain back, but seeing you and Kelly today made it all clear. It isn't my time to be with you yet. I still have a lot of living to do.*
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*But I miss the two of you so much. I tormented myself a long time with the what ifs, but I can't go back. I can't change things and have you both here. I can't keep living in the past. I didn't even realize I was back there so much 'til DiNozzo barged into my life.*
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*I think you guys would like him. He's sharp, smart, loyal. He pretends to be a shallow fratboy, but he's so much more. And he's the one who is there just as much as Ducky. For so long I pushed Tony away but he keep coming back without complaint. He kept caring and worrying. And yeah, loving me.*
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*I've known he loves me for a while now. *
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*It isn't just the sex. It was never just the sex. He makes me feel things-frustration, anger, affection, pride, lust, desire. Not only the negative emotions but some positive ones too. I feel alive.*
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*And I think it is time I let someone in again. It's him, Shannon. And I know you understand.*
I poured myself a small dribble of bourbon and sipped it slowly. I wasn't saying goodbye to my wife, but I was letting her know that things had changed for me. I had a lover upstairs, more than a lover. A friend, a companion who was turning into more.
The man I love.
And my place was with him, in bed beside him. No longer tormented by the what could have beens or what should have beens. Letting someone else in isn't a sign of weakness or disloyalty. By choosing to live, I honor my wife and daughter.
I finished my drink and walked up the stairs and through the house, into the bedroom. Tony blinked sleepily and reached for my hand.
"You okay?" Despite his drowsiness, his gaze sharpened and he sat up. He must have sensed something. His instincts can be really good sometimes.
I nodded and he just watched me, no doubt hoping I'd speak. I wouldn't have under usual circumstances but it felt right to do so now. "Yeah, I'm okay, Tony."
"Where ya been?" He was concerned but trying to play it off casually.
Normally I would have rolled my eyes and ignored that question, but he deserved more. He's the man I love. "Downstairs. I needed to get some things clear."
An uneasy look appeared in his eyes and he looked younger and vulnerable. "Oh."
I settled down and pulled him against my side. "Not what you think, Tony. I had some things to say to Shannon."
He gasped, but wisely didn't say anything. I admired his restraint. Being quiet was never easy for Tony.
"I decided something tonight, Tony. I'm not living for Shannon and Kelly any more. I'm living for me now. Starting with you. I meant what I said before. I love you. I want to see where this goes."
He gave me that bright grin, relief clear. "I love you too, Jethro."
"Good. Now that we settled that, let's get some shut eye."
I closed my eyes and pressed close to him, feeling peace for the first time since I lost my family.
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