Work Text:
Time to Heal
It’s finally over, I realise with a shudder as I stare at my reflection in the window. Below me is the gate. It looks so harmless, just sitting there, static, and unmoving. And I’d be lying if I said that it still didn’t fill me with awe, to see the event horizon expand like a giant wave, but it also fills me with sadness at the horror of what’s really out there.
It was through the gate that my life began once again. After the disaster that led me here, solving Katherine’s problem gave me a purpose again, it also proved my theories had been correct, and I wasn’t the nut academia suggested I was. And later it also gave me a reason to fight, and by saving one life, I managed to save many.
I had nothing when I went through the gate the first time, all I had left here were some dusty old books, a suitcase and an old guitar case, so I had nothing to stay for and nothing to loose.
I’d made no friends by being there, I was just the “dweeb,” “geek,” and countless other things that I was called, to my face and my back. I’d promised them I’d get them home, and for a time I couldn’t do it. Things were going from bad to worse, for everyone. Then without realising it, I had been given the most precious thing anyone could have, a family. A family I hadn’t asked for, but until the moment I almost lost it, I hadn’t realised that I needed.
It had been touch and go there for a while, with Jack still being suicidal, and willing to kill everyone, especially himself. The military here deciding that they weren’t going to wait for Jack to do it; they’d make the decision for him. And then there was the fight with Ra.
I can honesty say, looking back on it, that I was glad I had died during that mission, if I hadn’t been placed in the sarcophagus, by Ra, I wouldn’t have know of it’s powers, and have been able to save Sha’re.
By the time that that mission was over, and Jack and the others were ready to go home, I had not only gained a family, but the loyal respect of the remaining team members. Jack had asked me before he left, if I was sure I wanted to stay, I told him that I couldn’t have been surer of anything else. And for a year my life was at peace.
Since then there has been a lot of heartache and sadness. I’m not saying that there hasn’t been times of wonder and amazement at what’s really out there, but there’re only so many times that you can be knocked on your ass, before you’ve had enough, and decide to sit the next round out.
Since Sha’re was kidnapped, I have been killed, tortured, both physically and mentally, raped, left for dead, more than once, exposed to diseases, imprisoned, drugged, addicted, and driven insane, all thanks to what’s we’ve found on the other side of the gate.
Throughout it all, the one constant has been Jack. After my Sha’re was taken from me, it was Jack that promised to help me get her back. It was him that spoke up for me to the general, which allowed me to look for her. He also gave me a place to sleep until I was back on my own feet.
It was Jack that saved me for myself when I turned into a Neanderthal, Jack that showed up at my apartment with a takeout and several bottle of my favourite wine, after the nightmare with the Gamekeeper. Jack that held me tight in the supply closet, after I tried shooting him while I was out of my mind, and again later on, after I found Sha’re with child. What ever’s happened over the years, Jack’s always been there to ease the pain, whether it be by saving my life, giving me a hug, a touch or even a simple smile.
But this time, there’s nothing that could do or say that could make me feel better, my beloved Sha’re has gone. Possessed, raped and impregnated, by one alien, and now, thanks to another alien, she is dead.
And I, I just want to sit out of the fight; I’m just so tired. All I wanted to do was find my wife and free her from her nightmare, and return home. Now there’s nothing left for me to do here, it’s time to move on. I’ve just spoken to the general, and he says he understands how I feel, and he’s unhappily agreed to my leaving. So now I only for see one problem, and he’s just come through the gate.
Jack has seen me, and there’s a look of worry written across his face, he knows that I shouldn’t have been in today, and yet here I’m standing in the briefing room, still in my civvies. He gestures that I’m to wait for him, a coward I may be, but I’d rather have the conversation that I know I have to have with him, on familiar ground.
So, with less than fifteen minuets to get out of the SGC, Cheyenne Mountain and the last checkpoint before Jack does something annoying, like call the guard and have him keep me there, I make a break for freedom.
The phone ringing beside me makes me jump. I check my watch, sure enough; it’s been nearly thirteen minutes.
“Hello, Jack,” I answer quietly.
“Daniel, where are you? I thought you were going to wait for me?”
“I’m on my way home. And I never said that I would wait.”
“Well, you knew I wanted to talk to you, so why didn’t you wait?”
“Because we need to talk, and I’d rather do it at home than at the SGC.”
“Okay. Look, as soon as I’ve debriefed the general I’ll head on over.”
“’Kay, Jack, I’ll see you soon.” I reply as I switch the phone off. This was one conversation I was not looking forward too.
~o0o~
The insistent loud banging of my front door has heralded Jack’s arrival. Methinks Jack knows about my plans. There are times that I really wished I didn’t live on the eighth floor, and this is one of them. It’s not that I’m scared of Jack or anything, it’s just that I know what I’m going to have to tell him is going to hurt, and I don’t want to see the hurt in his eyes, knowing that I am the one to put it there.
Before I gather the courage to answer the door and face Jack, my door suddenly swings open. Jack’s finally realised that he has a key!
“WHAT THE HELL’S THIS ABOUT YOU LEAVING THE SGC!” Jack demanded, bounding down my stairs and coming to a stop in front of me.
“Jack, please calm down.”
“Calm down? Calm down! I come back from a S&R mission with SG-5, to find that my best friend is quitting on me!”
“I’m not quitting on you, Jack. It’s just time, Sha’re’s gone, and I can’t do it anymore.”
“Daniel, you can’t leave, you belong there. If it’s time you need, I’ll speak to the general, and he’ll give you all the time you need.”
“Jack, please don’t. I know you want to help, just like you always have, but you can’t this time. You can heal my hurt this time. It’s not something that you that can make better by kissing the pain away. I know you want to, and if you could, you would, but you can’t do it.”
“Why not? Why won’t you let me help you?”
“I need to get away, far away from here, and find a new direction in my life. Just for now,” I hastily add, seeing the hurt grow deeper in Jack’s eyes, at my words. “There’s too many bad memories for me at the SGC at the moment. I’ll know more about what I want to do, once I’ve gotten my head together.”
I watch Jack as the weight of my words finally sinks in. I can see the hurt my decision has caused him, but if I’m ever going to get my life back under control, then I need to leave Jack. Believe me, when I say the last thing that I wanted to do was hurt Jack, knowing that it was me that put that look of pain in his eyes, is breaking what little heart I have left.
“You’re really going, aren’t you?” Jack asked so quietly, I barely heard him. It wasn’t really a question, just a statement of fact, but I nodded anyway.
Jack sighs deeply and walks over to the window, and stares out over the city.
“I’m gonna miss you, you know that, right?” he suddenly says breaking the silence.
“I know. An’ I’m going to miss you too, Jack.”
“Then why do you have to leave? I understand why you might feel like you have to leave the SGC, but why leave here…Why leave me?”
“Because I have to Jack. Because I need to be able to stand on my own two feet again, I can’t rely on you always, no matter how much I want to.”
“I don’t mind.” He says turning to look deep into my eyes and meaning every word.
“I know you don’t, and that’s the problem. If I lean on you, depend on you, and something happens to you out there, or even here, what am I going to be like then, an even bigger basket case than I am now? No, I can’t take that risk. It’s better that I deal with his now, in my own way, and without using you as a crutch. Once I’ve leaned to cope, then I’ll come back.”
“Will you, come back I mean?”
“Of course I’ll come back, why wouldn’t I, my best friend lives here! I joke trying to lighten the mood.
“Someone I know?” Quips Jack.
“Yeah, you do as a matter of fact, do you have a message I can give Ferretti, when I see him later?” I reply, still trying to keep our usual banter up.
“Very funny, Daniel,” Jack smirked, half heartedly trying to clip me around the ear, which I easily managed to dodge, only to come face to face with a serious Jack again.
So I did the only thing I could do for him, I pulled him into my arms for a hug. We held each other for what seemed to have been an age, but in reality was less than a minute. As I pulled away, was when I saw it, everything that Jack felt for me. It was almost overwhelming, and definitely not something that I could deal with now.
I could see the moment that Jack had decided to bite the bullet and verbalise just what he was feeling inside. But it was not something that I could let him do; it wasn’t something that I wanted to hear at that moment. Just as he drew in his breath to speak, I placed my fingertips over his lips to stop him from speaking, and shook my head.
“Daniel?”
“Don’t, Jack, please. I’m not ready to hear it, it’s just too soon.”
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, I know, you thought that I might be able to stay if you did. But, that’s why I have to go, if I’m ever going to be myself again, then I need to find me again. I’ve spent so long being Dr Daniel Jackson, who opened the Stargate, who’s looking for his wife, and who’s saved the planet, that I’ve lost who plain old Daniel is, and I need to find him again.”
“I do understand, Daniel. I might not agree with it, but I understand.” Then in an instant, as Jack stepped back, the Colonel was back in place, and the subject was changed. “So, where are you going and most importantly, when?”
“I’ve got a ticket to Cairo, for the day after tomorrow.”
“So soon, what are you going to do with all your things?”
“Most of what I’ve got is going to go into storage. If I need anything, I know where to find it. As for the apartment, I’ll give it up, there’s no real point in keeping it, I’m not sure when I’ll be back, and I’m not paying rent for no reason.”
“Well, you know if you ever need somewhere to stay, for ever how long, there’s a room for you at my place.” The last of the sentence sounded strained, as Jack croaked out the last of it through vocal chords that had tightened with obvious emotion.
“Thanks, Jack, I appreciate that.” I replied, as I felt my own throat tightened up, leaving Jack was going to be harder than I imagined it to be.
It was Jack’s turn then, to pull me into a hug. This one didn’t last nearly as long as the other, and ended with Jack’s customary slap on the back as he let go.
“Well, I’ll see, ya.”
I nodded, unable to trust my voice not to crack under the strain, while barely managing to hold in the tears that were ready to fall.
“You take care of you’re self, and remember, if you need me, just call, and I’ll come as soon as I can get there.”
“I know you will,” my voice was not much more than a whisper.
We were by the front door now, and with a final pat on my arm, Jack opened the door and was gone, pulling it shut behind him. Not giving me the chance to watch him walk down the hall.
Just as I turn to walk a way, there’s a knock at the door. I open it, expecting to see Jack, but it’s old Mrs Kibitz from down the hall.
“Ah, Dr Jackson, you are in. I wasn’t sure. Your friend the Colonel, he asked me to give you this, when I saw you again.”
She held out her hand, and in her frail fingertips was Jack’s key to my apartment. I thanked her and took the key, and muttered that nothing was wrong, at her querying look, that I just needed the key back as I was renewing the locks. With that she was gone.
With that final act from Jack, I knew that he’d accepted my leaving was a done thing, but I also knew, that by giving Mrs Kibitz the key, he wasn’t planning on seeing me again before he left.
Even though it was what I wanted, as I believed it was for the best, it didn’t hurt any less.
What I need to do now is go to Cairo, throw myself into my work and become Daniel once again. And who knows, maybe one day in the not so distant future, I may be ready to hear what Jack has to say. But first, I just need time to heal.
Fins