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In a Darkened Room
by slashyfan
Empty ... that's how this room feels
Broken ... that's how my heart is
Shattered ... that's how my dreams stand tonight
Tainted ... that's how this ol' soul remains
Alone ... that's how I feel.
... without you
(Arpia)
June 17, 2065
It's been almost eight years, eight long years without you and I still can't go on. You told me once that we'll be together until the end of times, forever you said ... but your forever wasn't the same as mine and my heart aches each night that passes by.
The mere thought of not having you is enough to make my body tremble in despair, for `our friends' this is just a phase ... what phase??? They don't know me, the real me, only you did and now I have no one. Not even professor ... they're all gone, deserted me, abandoned me ... and now ... what am I supposed to do without you???
Survive is not an option, not after all this time ... but I'm just too terrified to end it, so I keep going not knowing when this pain will end ...
*/In a darkened room beyond the reach of God's faith
Lies the wounded, the shattered remains of love betrayed
And the innocence of a child is bought and sold in the name of the
damned
The rage of the angels left silent and cold /*
Summer of 2005.
"Wow!! This place is incredible!" the smile on Jubilation made me feel as if I did the right thing in bringing her with us, you smile at me and I lean forward to caress your face, you pet my hand and cuddle next to me ... looking at the beautiful sunset.
The day went by real slow ... thank God! And we spent the whole day watching the ocean, how the waves broke on the rocks as they wildly run free. It remind me of your spirit, wild and free.
"Wanna do something love?" as we lay on the bed, I whispered in your ear fearing of waking you up. You stirred and turned on your back just to look at me, without saying a word your lips devoured mine and we made love ... I guess you did want to do something.
The mansion felt like heaven after that small vacation we had, blissfully heaven
Summer of 2015
Our tenth anniversary ... whoa! It felt like yesterday when I told you those three words that until these days I can't help myself but to tell you every second ... `I love ya'.
The candle light dinner went smooth, thought you would feel cheesy but you called it `simply romantic' ... you always lift my mood. We ate some stuff I can't remember right now and later on, you gave your gift ... you.
We made love all night long, on every single position you could think of ... and boy, they were many.
When finally soreness and tiredness took over us, you lie next to me, your head on my chest wrapping both your arms around me. Your left leg partially over me `molesting my thigh' I said, you laughed and called me silly.
My hands caressing every inch of your bare back until we both fell into a sweet dream.
Summer of 2025
Each anniversary keeps getting better and better, this year you wanted to do something different, something not romantic.
So we went on a motorcycle road trip ... to feel the breeze on our face, the freedom on our veins and ... our manhood inside the other. You made love to me on my bike, the best one I've ever had.
`Love ya!!!' I remember yelling when I came, holding your hips and pulling your body closer to me with my wrapped legs. The incredible feeling of your flesh pressed against mine was the only feeling I lived for.
I couldn't think on anyone who could make me happier than you ... no one.
Summer of 2035
Last night you were pissed, something about this year made you really grumpy. I'm afraid I'm losing you over something I just can't control ... age.
You said `Doesn't matter' and waved me away, I know you didn't mean to be mad at me, but let's face it, you are mad at me. Maybe not at me as the person, but me as the mutant. The only one who'd live to bury every single person on the mansion.
All the good times we had are burned in my memory, but you don't feel the same after almost thirty years of being together.
I know I sound paranoid but I can't help it, I saw you talking to `Ro this morning. You felt ill, I couldn't hear exactly what you told hear but I damn well heard what she said `Talk to Hank'
And that meant only one thing ... you're sick ... and there's nothing I can do.
At night I cuddle your body close to mine, gentle so you don't feel that I'm pressuring you "I love ya my love" my lips brushed your ear as I say those words, your beautiful crimson eyes hold their stare at mine and ever so gently you kiss me, like the first time you ever lay your lips on mine.
But I can't push those thoughts out of my head ... `my love is sick'
*/Forgive me please for I know not what I do
How can I keep inside the hurt I know is true/*
Summer of 2045
I've been by your side these past three years, the illness became worse and worse. You can't take the pain and I can't help you. I wish I could share my healing factor with you but it's impossible and we both know it.
In these three years, you'd had some good days and some bad days, your wicked smile is alive on those good days. We laugh at Cyke and his lousy attempt on being hip for the new kids, we talk to Jubs and Kitty as they try to prepare their classes and they smack my hand when I try to grope you as I grow excited `Not in front of an audience' they holler and we laugh ... hard.
But on the bad days, my heart twitches and looking at your still beautiful face all frowned due to the pain ... it just kills me. And I can't do a thing, but hold your hand while the meds kick in
Today is one o those days, you're lying on the bed with IV's hooked up on your arms. Your stomach cannot stand anything solid and you need food, even if it's liquid. One of the tubes is for painkillers ... morphine, which is the only thing that helps you get by and numb the pain ... it kills me seeing you like this!!
Once you're asleep I get out of the room, slumped again the first wall that comes across my sight and cry ... cry away all the pain I have inside. Watching you slowly slip away from me is the most painful torture anyone can ever inflict on me.
A soft touch on my shoulder and I perk up "He is strong, he'll make it" `Ro kneels beside me and takes my hand on hers. Her words are empty, she knows as well as I do that you won't ... you won't make it.
Summer 2055
Ten more years of your pain, thankfully Hank found a drug that can actually prolong your life, maybe I'm asking too much but how can I bear losing you?? How??
You look so skinny and so weak `I'm gonna fall' you speak your fears and it makes me realize that it's not your life what it's been prolonged ... but your pain.
"I'll catch ya, don't worry love" I slip my arms around your now tiny waist and make your head rest on my shoulder.
Funny how I'm holding you, when we first started this relationship you were the tall one, the one who made me do things, the one on top, the one in control. Now, even when we don't make love as hard and fast as we is used to, we still prove each other how much love still remains among us.
`The perfect couple' I heard Jeannie said to Scott, whenever we walk into a room.
But if we are so perfect ... why do I feel as if I'm loosing the only man who ever loved me as much as I love him??
At night I look at you from my bed and I can't help but think you're a liar ... `We'll be together', your words filled my head and I cry ... we won't be together forever ... we won't.
*/Tell me when the kiss of love becomes a lie
That bears the scar of sin too deep to hide behind this fear of
running unto you
Please let there be light in a darkened room/*
December 14, 2057
The dreaded day has arrived, it's been fifty three years of happiness, ups and downs, tears and laughter. But we've shared them all .. together and now .. now you're gone.
This morning, I kissed your luscious lips for the last time and you caressed my face for the last time ... `Liar' ... the word still burned in my eyes as the tears flood free. Just like your spirit.
I feel betrayed and disposed, like a rag doll than no one wants. I look around, lots of people I don't know, a few I recognize.. Kitty crying on Piotr's shoulder, Jubs on Angelo's arms ...
Me... standing alone ... alone, like you left me ... you left me.
All the rage and frustration builds up on my body and all I wanna do is kill someone, anyone ... myself, so I can be with you ... love, why did you leave me with all this love to give???? Why?!?!?!?!
My knees give up and I stumble down the ground, my face on my hands ... the pain on my skin just as your tender touch is tattooed on me
And no matter how hard I try ... your picture is burned in my head, your love is carved on my soul as mine was carved on yours.
December 25, 2057
I left the mansion afraid I scare the poor kids left there. My mind goes back to our first year together, when called me a redneck and I called you `brat' ... for a few seconds none of us said a word and then we laughed ... that warm laugh of yours that echoed every single wall of the mansion, ready to hunt me down.
That's why I left, everything inside that house reminded me of you ... everything.
The boathouse ... our first time.
The danger room ... where we used to fight over who was the strongest.
The kitchen ... where you taught me how to cook your favourite meal.
The library ... where we spent countless hours reading together
Our room ... where our love blossomed every day
I needed to get away from those painful memories, ones that were never gonna come back no matter how hard I cried ... they're gone with you
*/All the precious times have been put to rest again
And the smile of the dawn brings tainted lust singing my requiem
Can I face the day when I'm tortured in my trust
And watch it crystallize while my salvation it crumbles to dust/*
Summer of 2065
Today is ... would be our sixtieth anniversary ... if you were alive.
My skin is still tanned as the day we met, my hair still has those `cute little horns' you used to tease me about, my hands still have the same rough texture on the knuckles you used to love kissing when going to bed.
But my eyes ... those are dark, like my heart without you.
My life means nothing right now, the students are strangers to me, the professor is no longer with us, Summers is old and Jeannie is gone. This is no longer my home, you told me once something your poppa told ya `Home is where the hearts is' ... well, my heart died the same day you did, so no need in trying to find another `home'.
I'm standing on the deck by the boathouse, where I found you crying over Rogue once, crying cause you thought no one wanted you "She's all I had" you whispered and I couldn't control my mouth when I said "Ya got me"
We were together ever since, much to everyone's surprise. Tough no one mind, we were two loners who needed each other.
But if I need you so bad, why can I ended it??
I know one day the pain would be unbearable and that day will be my last day ...
*/Why can't I steer the ship before it hits the storm
I've fallen to the sea but still I swim for shore/*
"Logan, supper is ready!!" Jubilee's high pitched voice calls me at dark, I look up at the sky and see a bright star.
After these eight years and I still can't say his name, my love's name, the only man who could show this old redneck that love isn't limited for pretty good boys, the man who tamed the wild Wolverine ... like no one else did.
Tears streaming down my face, then I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and I see a much older Jubilation Lee, the child I grew as a daughter, and now she's standing in front of me with that motherly look that reminded me so much of Jeannie.
That child is no longer a child on looks but in my heart , she still is my baby "He loved you, don't hurt you like this. There was nothing you could have done ... not against Legacy"
The name of my lover's assassin, the murderer of thousands of mutants ... just a disease, and how much it caused.
"Logan ..." she whispered as I lower my head, her finger lifted my chin to look at her "Say his name and kiss him goodbye ... dad"
She walked away to let me grieve on my own, knowing tonight will be the day ... when I could finally say his name again ...
"My love ..." hardly controlling my tears, I looked at the star and try again "I love ya forever ... Remy" I choked out and blew a kiss to the sky.
It hurts ... you left me alone ... and I have no where to go ...
*/Tell me when the kiss of love becomes a lie
That bears the scar of sin too deep to hide behind this fear of
running unto you
Please let there be light in a darkened room/*
end "In a Darkened Room" (Skid Row)