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Part 50 of Of Innocence and Empathy
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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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2020-11-05
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Of Innocence & Empathy: Uncertain Logic

Summary:

Beta: Adam
Series: Of Innocence & Empathy
Rating: FRT-13, mention of torture
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Damnit.
Spoilers:? North Mammon, The Big Game, Revelations
Author's Note: This is shortly after Breaking the World.
Author's Other Note: Dedicated to fluffnutter

Work Text:

 

 

Of Innocence & Empathy: Uncertain Logic
by Frogg


"Did I ever thank you?" Spencer asked, glancing up at Gideon across the remains of breakfast.

Gideon raised an eyebrow. "For?"

"What you said at the...the Hayes'," he whispered, then looked away, guilt weighing heavy on his shoulders.

"I couldn't know you could see us and not do something." Gideon frowned. "He used that against you, though. Didn't he?"

"I--yes. That's why..." Spencer stopped, sipping at his coffee.

"That's why...?" Gideon prompted.

"I...Gideon, can I ask..."

"Spencer, Hotch and Morgan and I talk about you, yes, but we don't, we aren't going to betray a confidence."

Spencer knew that wasn't necessarily true, but he let it slide. "I just...I don't want Hotch to know."

Gideon's brow furrowed, his expression one of concerned confusion.

"Did you ever wonder what would have happened if, if those girls had held out just a little longer? I mean, we were so close, an hour or two might have made the difference. Maybe less."

"In North Mammon."

Spencer nodded.

"Spencer..."

"I know, I know," Spencer said quickly.

"Torture works whether you're aware of what's going on or not," Gideon finished despite the interruption.

"They didn't have a chance."

"Neither did you," Gideon said, his voice impossibly gentle.

Spencer could only stare, pain and self-loathing turning his eyes dark. "Does it still work if you're the one responsible?"

Indignant determination flashed across Gideon's face. "It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known--"

"Gideon, I'm not talking about getting caught." He ducked his head, wheezing as his ribs protested.

"Take it easy."

"Easy for you to say."

"I've had cracked ribs before."

Spencer bit his lip rather than snap back. "I didn't have to kill him," he said finally, unable to meet Gideon's eyes.

"Oh?"

"We..." and he swallowed, glancing first to one side, then the other. Licked his lips. "We were still working on a profile - Hankel wasn't a suspect when we went to talk to him. But once, once I knew, once he had--I had a lot of time to, to think, to plot out variations, what he would do, how he would respond. If I got it wrong. If you did something else."

Gideon kept his peace, let Spencer gather his thoughts.

Spencer finally looked up at him, eyes full of anguish. "I played him like a fish. I played them against each other. I, I gave Tobias the support he needed to defy Charles. I knew...when you talked to me from the Hayes', I knew...Raphael would use it against me. I knew he'd go after one of you. I knew you'd be watching, that you could, could defend yourselves, and maybe..." He ran shaking hands over his face. "When, when Raphael made me choose one of you, I told him to kill me instead. I had to make him use the gun, I had to make him...it was a revolver, I could...see the shell, I knew *that* time wasn't going to kill me. I knew when I had to give him Hotch, because I couldn't give him... It was a game, moving chesspieces, cat and mouse, and I strung him along and let him think he had all the power and I killed him and I didn't have to..."

"He did have all the power," Gideon said simply. "You had to use every tool at your disposal just to stay alive. Just to give us information to try and find you."

"No, no," Spencer shook his head, hissing in pain at the sudden motion. "You don't understand..."

"What does Hotch have to do with it? Why didn't you want him to know?"

Spencer's Adam's apple bobbed up and down as he fought for words.

"You know he doesn't blame you for anything."

"I played him the same way," Spencer admitted in a tiny, guilt-stricken voice.

"No, Spencer, you gave him information he needed, we all needed," Gideon countered. "The one thing we all were thinking was that the only thing we needed to crack the case was you, and you were the reason we needed to crack the case. And you came through for us anyways. I can't tell you how proud of you I am, I don't have the words."

Spencer said nothing, only mangled the napkin held between his fingers.

"Besides, Hotch is your mom." Gideon couldn't help but smile. "I think he'd give a great deal more for your life and sanity than just being an information pipeline to Garcia."

"Have I stopped? Was that--"

"We're a family, Spencer, it's human nature to give the people we care about tools to protect ourselves and each other. That's what you did with Hotch, nothing more, nothing less. You're not using him. You're not a danger to him."

The dark spectre of genetics reared its ugly head, sending a cold shiver down Spencer's spine.

"More coffee?" Gideon offered, rising from his place at the table.

Blinking in startlement, Spencer noted his empty mug, then held it out as much as he could without hurting himself. "Please?"

"Of course."

Spencer stared at the table, listening to the steading clinking sound of Gideon stirring sugar into his coffee.

"I'm surprised you didn't ask," Gideon said blandly, setting the mug back on the table and retaking his seat.

"It's not like I wasn't expecting Derek to take some time for himself." Spencer shrugged.

Gideon looked surprised. "It doesn't bother you that he left without a word?"

"He made sure I wasn't alone. I don't really think that's 'without a word'." Spencer clenched his jaw. "I wasn't the only one tortured. I, I was just the only one with any influence over it."

"Derek's talking to Hotch at the moment. I think. He'll probably be gone a few days. Is that okay with you? I could--"

"No, no, that's fine. Just...I don't want to be surprised when he gets back." Some subconscious tension faded at the news.

Gideon frowned, picking up something, but unwilling to push. Thankfully. "All right."

Sighing, Spencer nodded, starting to slump in his seat. His ribs made him straighten suddenly, eyes opening on a flash of agony.

"Take it easy," Gideon said again.

"You'd think. I'd learn," Spencer managed between panting breaths. It was true; he had learned, as a child, a teenager bullied by those older, bigger, stronger. As a member of the BAU, he'd been protected, insulated, and those hard-earned lessons had begun to fade. He was paying for it now.

"Hmm. Some lessons I'd rather you not have to."

"So would I," Spencer whispered.

Gideon nodded. "Speaking of questions...you didn't have to kill him?"

Spencer swallowed hard, eyes showing white before he could bring himself to answer. "I, I had to give him...I had to confess to something he'd want to kill me for. Something he'd...have to untie me for. I saw the lights, I knew you were...I was lucky, he was facing the wrong way, but he could have turned around...I'd already dug my grave figuratively, I knew he'd make me do it literally..."

"Seeing you next to that half-dug grave will give me nightmares for the rest of my life," Gideon admitted softly.

Color drained from Spencer's face. "D-don't g-g-get me started." Gideon wasn't the only one dreaming about it.

Gideon risked reaching across the table to squeeze Spencer's hand.

Spencer couldn't suppress a flinch; physical contact was going to take some time to be okay again. He could only be thankful he managed not to pull away. "There were things I c-could have done, I knew how, how to play them...but I, I arranged it. So that the gun would be on the shell. And I could get it."

"What else were you going to be able to do? You had a broken foot, a concussion, you'd been drugged and beaten and dehydrated...I know Derek's been working on your hand-to-hand, but you had no chance at all against him."

"I could have--"

"You had no room for error, Spencer," Gideon interrupted, steel in his tone. "None."

Spencer gulped, twitched his hand beneath Gideon's and hated the fact that he felt relieved when Gideon let go.

"If you didn't have to kill him - and you did, it wasn't an option - why did you?"

Tears glazed Spencer's eyes. He couldn't answer. He couldn't not answer.

"Spencer?"

"I had to save myself."

END

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