Work Text:
Tapping Into Grief
by White Raven
He felt the hot breath of air on his face and it pulled him out of his disturbed sleep. Easing him out the way one would pull a man into a boat after falling into the water. "You with me, Jess?"
Jesse let out a sigh as he realized what had happened. He turned to look up into Brennan's concerned face. He nodded sleepily. "Fine."
"Another one?"
Jesse put a hand to his face and rubbed the sleep away. He eased up into a sitting position and Brennan pulled closer to him, bracing his legs around him from behind and pulling him against his broad chest, holding him tenderly. Jesse allowed the embrace, mostly because he truly needed the security Brennan was offering at that point. The dreams of his father had increased since the report of his death a few weeks before.
"Can't stop them," he whispered with regret. "Sorry. I keep disturbing your sleep."
Brennan ran a hand over Jesse's chest and whispered soothingly into his ear. "You're not giving yourself permission to grieve. You know that. That's why these dreams are haunting you."
"I'm trying, Brennan. Honest. The tears...they just won't happen."
"You're suppressing them."
"Maybe."
Brennan pushed his temple to Jesse's and then lowered his lips to the golden tanned shoulder before him. He kissed the area with sorrow. "I feel it. I recognize the signs. I did it when my father pushed me away. It took me a while to realize he never wanted me back. Ever. But, Jesse, your father is dead. You went to the funeral."
"I can't talk about this, Brennan. Not now." Jesse pulled away and stood, his naked body walking away from Brennan's warm sanctuary. He put his hands to his face and shook his head. "I never saw his body. How can I be certain he's truly dead?"
"You saw the reports."
"They could have been falsified."
Brennan got out of the bed and walked up to Jesse putting his hands on the shoulders that seemed to carry so many burdens at one time. Not even Jesse increasing his mass would make this burden any less difficult to carry. "Don't do this to yourself, Jesse. Accept it. He's gone. You need to..."
Jesse turned into Brennan and wrapped his arms around him tightly. "I'm going crazy, Bren. I can't help it. I feel it about to explode inside me."
"Then let it. Don't hold back because you think we're not going to understand."
Then, just as suddenly, Jesse pulled away and lowered his head. "I can't. It's there, but I can't connect with it."
Brennan pulled him back into his arms and held him close. He sighed. "I know. So, I've got a suggestion. It works all the time with me. It might just work with you."
"What?"
"I want you to watch a movie with me."
"What movie?"
Brennan looked down at him and pulled him slowly into a gentle kiss. "Trust me."
Later that night...
Jesse sobbed into Brennan's chest as the larger man held him tight. He, too, was crying, but mostly because of the pain his lover was going through. Jesse sobbed hard and unabashed, as the two men sat on the couch and watched the credits roll by on the screen. "He's dead," Jesse whispered. "My father's dead."
Brennan tightened his embrace and kissed the top of Jesse's head. "It's going to be all right, now, Jesse."
"How did you know? How did you know this story would break down the walls?"
"It's done it for me countless times when I needed a good cry."
"I never thought you of all people ever needed a good cry."
Brennan looked at him with wonder. "You think I'm some sort of stereotyped macho man who can't get in touch with his feelings?"
"No, I didn't mean that. I know you can feel. I never have to doubt your love toward me or toward the others. It's just...I've never seen you cry before. Not really."
Brennan smiled at him. "Big boys do cry, Jess. It's not uncommon. It's why we have tear ducts. Women cry easier than we do, but we do cry. And this movie always gets me in touch with my feelings when I start to realize I'm getting calluses over my heart."
Jesse glanced over at the TV screen and wiped his hand over his face. "I feel lost right now."
"That's the shock wearing off. It takes a few weeks for that to happen."
Jesse turned to him and tried to smile, but it was a faded effort. "I still can't truly accept his death. I suppose I never will, since I didn't see his body."
Brennan ran a hand over Jesse's hair. "I have," he whispered.
Jesse looked at him with a furrowed brow. "What do you mean you have?"
Brennen sighed. "Adam and I, we tapped into the morgue computers. His body was messed up, Jesse. But his face was intact. We didn't want you to see the body. It would leave you with nightmares. He's dead, Jesse. I swear it to you."
Jesse couldn't believe this news. He lowered himself onto Brennan's chest again and sighed as the tears leaked out once more. Not sobbing tears, this time...but quiet tears that seeped out of his aching heart. "It's not him I grieve, Brennan. It's what could have been. What I thought he was to me. The last time he proved how little he cared. I'm just sad because he couldn't be what I needed him to be...what I wanted him to be...and now that opportunity will never happen."
"I know," Brennan whispered as he kissed Jesse's head again. "I wish there was something I could do for you now, though. Something that could help you through this."
"All you need to do, Bren, you're doing right now. Just don't let go."
Brennan eased back against the couch cushions and pulled Jesse on top of him. "Comfortable?"
"Um-hmmm," the blond replied as he closed his eyes and listened to his lover's heartbeat. "It's strong," he said.
"What is?"
"Your heart."
Brennan's hand went to Jesse's hair and he ran his fingers over the silky smoothness of it. "So is yours. It's not many men who could sit through Brian's Song all the way through."
"Bren?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you. For knowing what I needed."
"Hey...you know I've always got your back."
"And my heart," Jesse sighed out as he allowed the emotional exhaustion of the last few weeks to take hold of him. His voice slipped into a weary tone and Brennan knew his lover was falling asleep. "Sweet dreams, Babe."
Later, Adam strolled through the recreation area and found the two asleep in each other's arms. Shalimar approached with a blanket. "See the movie they watched?" she asked.
Adam looked at the DVD holder and noticed the title. He smiled. "Brennan never ceases to amaze me."
Shalimar smiled and quietly walked up to the couch. She laid the blanket over both sleeping men and Brennan stirred, looking up at her. She put a finger to her mouth and pointed to Jesse. Brennan smiled up at her. She mouthed the words, 'Thank you,' and walked away.
Adam held up a hand in a small wave to Brennan and followed Shalimar out of the room.
Brennan reached for the edge of the blanket and wrapped it securely around Jesse who sighed with contentment in his sleep.
Brennan turned to the DVD case and grinned. "Another success story, old friend," he whispered. Then he listened to Jesse's even breathing and allowed it to lull him back to sleep, keeping his arms protectively around his wounded soul. The wound had opened and drained...now came the time for healing.
The End