SquidgeWorld Archive

Touching (It's a love thing)
by White Raven

Part 1

He walks the night among the dimly lit corridors of Sanctuary with no particular destination. Just walking to think, to ease his mind, to relax. He does that occasionally when things are working too fast for him to process in that mind of his. He should read Whitman more. Gay or not the man was a master in the art of visualizing beautiful things. Especially love. His imagery excites me only a little less than Jesse does. What Jesse needs is a deterrent from the excitement, though, maybe a little bit of massage therapy. I work wonders with my hands, I'm told.

I begin the follow through.

I know he hears me. He stops and turns his head just a bit to listen. I freeze where I stand. I know he sees me. He pretends he doesn't. It's a game we play. I like it, though. No words spoken; no physical invitations misconstrued. I'm the hunter; he's the prey. Sometimes the roles are reversed and I enjoy the chase on a whole other level. But Jesse...Jesse enjoys it even more than I do. I think that's why I don't mind the cat and mouse foreplay. If it will get the guy to relax a bit, to not think about the world outside, either GSA or the prejudice of those that call us 'freaks'. I don't know why, yet, why it hurts Jesse to be called a 'freak'. I only know it does. Somewhere, deep inside, maybe locked away in some vault of memories best forgotten, maybe that is where the clues to his past are. I'd like to know them...to know them so that I can know *him* better. But he doesn't allow me entrance. Like God tells the waves, 'Here you shall go and no farther.' Jesse's the beach, I'm the wave...and his memories are God's safety barriers.

I understand the need to feel safe. I just wish Jesse understood I want him safe just as much as he needs to feel safe. He doesn't need a mother hen or a nursemaid. I know that for sure. I understand that. Still, there's an innocent quality about him. A quality I can't resist...the one thing other than his physical appearance that drew me to him over the last few months. I think he knows I would never intentionally hurt him. I might get on his case and tease him a bit, but other than that I know when to back off. Hell, he could crash into me after maximizing his mass and send me through a wall if I pissed him off beyond the point of no return. I'm not stupid.

He's walking again, slowly, more relaxed as if he knows I'm at his back and for the moment he's secure. He turns to me in an instant. This surprises me and I guess my reaction shows it. He grins. "Not tonight, partner," he says in that deep and low voice of his. He's whispering because the rest of the Mutant X team are asleep. Don't want to wake up the neighbors. Shalimar knows about us. I think Emma suspects. If Adam knows he isn't saying anything. Emma questions a lot. I just smile at her, letting her think what she will. She's starting to get smart when it comes to Jesse and me. She leaves us alone for the most part. Shalimar, on the other hand, she's the one who grins at *me*. One warning from her and that was all it took. "Hurt him, I hurt you. And I bite." She emphasized the warning with a low, feral growl her eyes glowing. I made a surrendering gesture. "Not in a million years," I replied. She smiled that knowing smile she always throws when she's satisfied and walked off. "Just for the record," she called over her shoulder. "You're one lucky man."

Shalimar never spoke of us after that. She, too, knows when to keep her distance.

But Jesse's protest just now throws me. Maybe I don't know when to keep mine. I nod my head once and start backing off. "Not a problem, Lover. I understand."

Jesse grins again. "I don't think you do."

I stop the retreat, looking at him questioningly. "Yes?"

"I meant...no chase tonight."

I start slowly walking toward him trying to piece together what he's saying. "What would you like then?"

"Remember a few nights ago?"

"What about a few nights ago?"

Jesse walks up closer and when he's just an inch away from me, reaches behind me and grabs the book I'm hiding. He holds it up. "Whitman. You recited a few to me, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember. Is that it, then? You want some more recital? Doesn.t your brain work overtime enough all ready?"

He shrugs as he smiles and he blushes. I can see it clearly, even in the dim light. He lowers his head to try and hide it from me, but it doesn't bother me that he blushes. He's cute when his cheeks turn that color. I know he isn't a weak man. He's very strong, very resilient...he has to be to hide as many bad memories as he does and to become the gentle caring person he is. To see him blush and still try to make sense of our relationship and the turn it's taken...it's like he can't really believe he can be loved like this. To be honest it sort of scares me a bit, too. I never thought I could care about anyone the way I do Jesse.

He flips the pages of the book and starts scanning some of the verses. "I really like him, Bren." Bren. I always hated that shortened version of my name, until Jesse said it one night. It took me a few minutes to realize it didn't bother me when he said it. It was then that I realized my feelings for him were growing into more than just the friendship type. I never corrected his using that once hated nickname. I don't allow anyone else to call me that, though. Only Jesse is allowed. He had first dibs. At least that's the reason I give to anyone else who tries to call me that. Emma tried one night and I set her straight. She snorted and shrugged. "Whatever, just don't call me 'Auntie Em' if the urge strikes you." So, what do I do? You guessed it. "Auntie Em" is sleeping just a few doors down now. My argument? I got first dibs.

"How much do you like Whitman, Jess?" 'Jess' is my shortened version of his name, which he doesn't seem to mind me using. I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him closer. He doesn't resist, but he's not returning the embrace. He places the book on my chest and opens it. "You make a great desk," he says with all seriousness.

I look down at the book, then raise my eyes to look at him, then down at the book again. "You really like him?"

Without taking his eyes off the pages, he turns another one and nods. "I do. He never made any apologies for his love poems to men. What he wrote took guts in that day and age. Still does. It's not every man who can read love poems, especially for other men."

I lean down and kiss Jesse on the forehead. "The book is yours if you want it. I can get another one."

"No, this is the one we gave you. I couldn't take it from you."

"Yeah, but you see I have an ulterior motive for giving it to you to read."

"Which is?"

I lean down to whisper in his ear. "You can recite to me for a change."

He smiles and closes the book. Now he embraces me. "I like that idea. And I really would like to read more of his stuff."

"Work," I correct him as I begin to nibble his neck and ear lobe. "His poetry is too good to be called 'stuff'. His 'work'."

Jesse nods. "All right, all right, I stand corrected. His work."

"Much better. You get an 'A' for today."

"Is that all?"

"What else would you like?"

He turns his head just enough to catch my lips with his and I fall into his passionate lip-lock without hesitation. "I want the plus next to the 'A'."

"Oh, baby, that was yours before you even asked."

"I don't have it, yet."

"Then I suggest we make out the report card now." I haul him up over my shoulder and he lets out a slight yelp before catching himself. "Shhh," I say, trying to stifle a laugh.

"Put me down, you jackass!" he whispers as harsh as he can without yelling.

"You got my book?"

"Yes."

"You hold onto it. Let me carry you to my room and I'll read to you. Either that or we call it a night right here."

He grumbles and sags against me. "I'm done for."

I grin. "It's gonna be a lovely night, partner. Hold on." I whack his butt once and turn to head toward my room. We normally end up there anyway because it's the furthest away from the others. Gives us more freedom to talk...or call out when the action heats up. I think that, secretly, Jesse enjoys me treating him like this. Shalimar is very protective of him and possibly with good reason. As I said, I don't know what memories Jesse holds inside of him. One day I hope he will trust me enough to reveal some of them. But I would never push it. I do, however, intend to let him know beyond doubt that he can trust me.

It's on my way back to my room when I slow down half way there. I slow down and think about that last part. I want Jesse to know he can trust me? I stop walking.

"Bren? You okay?"

I gently lower him to his feet and look at him. I know my face must be reflecting that a revelation just hit me because Jesse is asking me if I'm all right. I nod and put my hands to his face. I lean in and kiss him as gently as I can. It's too soon to tell him what I just discovered, but I can't help myself. "Jesse...I..."

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing, I promise." Nothing? I have to laugh at that inwardly. It's more than 'nothing'. "Well, not exactly nothing," I whisper with a grin.

"Then what is it?"

I put my hands to his face again and look into those green eyes of his. "Jesse...I don.t want to scare you...but...I think...I think I..."

There's no way for the words to come out, not without them sounding like so much sugary sweet mush. I slowly lean forward and just before I put my lips to his, I whisper the words before I realize it. "I love you."

I feel him tense. He pulls back a bit and I let him slide from my touch. He stares at me, uncertain.

I say nothing. I think I did scare him.

He takes a step back. Shaking his head.

I take a step toward him but he holds out his hand, the hand with the book as if he wants me to take it. "I...uh...I changed my mind, Brennan. I'm sorry."

I take the book and he walks past me back the way we came. I speak over my shoulder, "Jesse, I..."

"It's all right, Brennan. I...need to think about this. I'm sorry."

And nothing more is said. I turn and he's gone, all ready lost in the shadows. I curse myself to no end. I look at the book in my hand and clutch it tighter. "Well, Walt, that went well. How is it you could say it so damn beautifully and I...just..."

"You were just honest."

I jump, startled. I turn to see Adam coming out of the shadows in front of me. His hands are in his pockets and he's smiling with compassion. "I'm sorry. I honestly didn't mean to eavesdrop on your little party here. But I didn.t want to interrupt and when you were heading this way I had to stay where I was to keep from embarrassing either of you."

"So...you heard then."

He nods. "I heard. It was a tender display of honesty, Brennan. You should be proud of yourself for owning up to your feelings to Jesse."

"But...I think I scared him off. He didn't take the news too well as you could see."

"No, no, don't sell Jesse so short. He was just taken by surprise is all. You see, from what I've been able to gather, love and Jesse don't go hand in hand. Shalimar is the only one he's allowed himself to get close to and even she is kept at a distance. Jesse's been hurt somehow, really bad. I don't know by whom or how, but it takes a lot to get close to him. You're on the right track. My advice is to just lay low for awhile and let him figure this out on his own. Don't push anything. Shalimar never has to say the words 'I love you' to Jesse, so he's not used to hearing them. Once he's processed it, he'll be all right."

I look at Adam quizzically, "Are you sure?"

He smiles out of amusement this time and pats my shoulder. "I'm sure. Go to bed, read your book, give Jesse some time. That's all."

Adam walks off and I take him at his word. I have no other choice. The ball's in Jesse's court now. I just have to wait for him to serve it back. If he ever does. I look at the book and realize that Jesse doesn't want it, yet. I grip it tighter and head into my room, closing the door behind me. I lean my shoulder against it and sigh. And it was going to be such a wonderful evening.

I shut off the lights and set the book on the desk just inside the door. "Not tonight, buddy," I speak to Walt softly. "I've got no one here who will appreciate you like I do."

With that I head to bed.

Part 2

I do as Adam suggests and I give Jesse his space. It's not easy. I see him at the computer, or just walking and I can tell his mind is occupied. I leave him alone. We look at each other. I try to smile. He sort of smiles back, shakes his head and heads the opposite direction. My smiles fade. I do what I can to ease his discomfort. I never thought three words in the entire universe could be so powerful. They either build up...or they can destroy. 'I love you'...Jesse's under construction.

I pay attention to the caution cones and make the necessary detours.

A week passes. Other than working with each other, he doesn't talk to me, but I can tell he's thinking...that mind of his in overdrive. He hasn't forgotten those three words. I try to get close to him physically and he puts space between us, purposefully. I don't mind. I know what Adam said. I listen. Where Jesse's concerned...Adam knows more than I do.

Shalimar approaches me this night and by the look on her face she's peeved. "Want to tell me what the hell is going on between you two?"

I shake my head. "I told Jesse I loved him. He's trying to clear his head about it."

At that Shalimar's face draws blank...her mouth opens and I can see she understands. "So that's it."

"I didn.t hurt him, Shal. I'm just waiting for him to come to terms with what I said to him. That's all."

"You're doing the right thing."

All right now I'm really curious...and concerned. "What is it with him, Shal? Why is he so terrified of me now?"

She shrugs. "I can't betray his confidence."

"And I'm the one left out of the loop, then?"

She shakes her head. "Not even Adam knows everything about Jesse's past. Don't think you're any special case. I don't either. There are dark secrets he keeps from everyone, including me."

I swallow and go back to my diagnostic check of the electrical circuits for the scanners around Sanctuary. "If he should happen to tell me these deep dark secrets...how would you react to that?"

She shrugs again and puts a hand to my arm. "I'd be happy he found someone to confide in."

"Even if it's not you?"

She nods. "Even then. I know Jesse is hiding pain. He hides it well, but I can smell it on him sometimes. The feral sense these things. They're hidden deep in the psyche, but the body betrays certain scents. Sometimes I can sense it when Jesse is lost in his past."

"Is he there now?"

She nods once more. "Don't concern yourself too much, Brennan. He's always managed to land on his own feet when he falls. It's his ability to survive the past...that's what gives him his strength now. He'll be fine once he processes it."

I shake my head, sighing. "If I had known it would have caused him such stress I would have kept my mouth shut."

"Don't say that. Maybe he needs to hear what you feel. Maybe he needed to be told so that he can move on in the next step of his existence. Jesse's not had a normal growing up period. Not that any of us new mutants have, but this is normal for him. It's another growth process he's going through right now, and maybe he needed to know that there are other people around him that can love him...if he gives them a chance."

She squeezes my arm and walks off. I take her words for what they were meant to be, reassuring, and I get back to work.

That night I head to my room and Jesse is standing there at the door...his back against it, his hands in his pockets and he looks scared shitless. I approach slowly. "Hi," I say, surprised, but pleased to see him there.

"Hi. Can we talk?"

I smile. "Sure. Come on in." I open the door and he goes in first, I follow, letting the door close behind us.

He stands there and he's as tense as a cat in room full of rocking chairs. "Want something to drink? You look like you're on edge."

He shakes his head. "I don't drink. You know that."

I walk over to my small kitchen and grab a cup from the cabinet. I pull a tea bag out. "I was thinking something relaxing. Like Chamomile?"

He grins. "You go ahead, thanks anyway."

He still is standing there, his hands still in his jeans pockets. He's nervous and twitchy. "You're not gonna phase out on me are you?" I ask as I set the water to boil in the teapot on the small stove.

He shakes his head. "No, I, uh..." he begins to pace. "I don't know how to start."

"How about if I assure you I'm okay and you need to relax. Whatever you have to say I can handle." And I can. I'm prepared for the worst...rejection. It wouldn't surprise me.

He runs a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath. "I'm not sure I can relax."

I set the water aside to keep it from boiling. I turn off the fire on the stove. I walk over to Jesse who stops right in front of me and I hold up my hands...no threat here. He doesn't back off. This is a good sign. "The other night I wanted to give you a massage. We never got around to that. No strings. I just don't like people being jumpy around me. Makes me jumpy. I hate being jumpy. Purely selfish reasons for the offer, mind you."

He grins and removes his jacket. "I could handle that." He tosses his jacket aside and before I know it, instead of my massaging his back, he's grabbed my face and pulls me down into a soft but firm kiss. When it's over we look at each other and I'm just about breathless. Lord, what this guy does to me.

"I had to do that first before I lost my nerve," he whispers, his fingers running over my cheeks.

I put my hands to his wrists and smile at him. "It's okay. It caught me off guard, but I'm glad you did it."

He pulls away gently, not repulsed by me, but trying to gather up his words. "There's a lot you don't know about me, Bren."

I smile. He's using the nickname again. Another good sign.

"I know," I reply. "It's okay if you don.t want to talk about it."

He shakes his head and let's out a tired chuckle. "Talking about it just seems to make me angry. I don't like being angry. I don't like to talk about it at all, about my past. I tried practicing telling you in front of the mirror this morning. You know what it sounded like?"

He looks at me and I shake my head. "What?"

"Like I was giving some sob story and feeling sorry for myself. I don't like that either. Can I just say that where I grew up was not a good place and leave it at that?"

I take a moment. I step closer to him, playing with the ring on my finger, the one with my genetic code encrypted onto it. "I won't hurt you, Jesse. You know that. Or, at least I hope you do."

He turns away. "I want to believe that, Bren. God, you don't know how much I want to believe that."

I walk up to him and take his upper arms, turning him gently to me. "Then believe it. Besides, I've all ready been given the boundary session from Shalimar. I know if I hurt you, she'll make my life a living hell. You think I want to be on the receiving end of her claws?"

He chuckles. "Shalimar's been good to me. A true friend."

"I know she has. But I can be, too. If you'll let me."

He just looks at me and he's scared again. It's a fear he fights to control. I have no idea where this fear stems from but my only goal in that moment is to erase it from him, to ease the tension from his body and to give him peace if only for a few hours.

I lean in and he tentatively reaches up and we kiss. His lips are warm and soft and very soothing. I brush my tongue across them. He opens his mouth and invites me inside. I taste him and pull him closer and he doesn't resist. I feel his arms press against my back, rubbing his hands up and down and I feel his need to reach out. It's seeping out of him and into me like he's drowning and needing me to pull him out of the water. I hug him tight against me and bury my face into his neck. He moans as I nuzzle the point between shoulder and neck. "I didn't mean to scare you," I whisper. "But I have a past, too, Jess. One I don.t like to talk about either. I've learned never to hold back what you feel, because you may never get another chance again."

He tightens his embrace around me. "I'm sorry I've been avoiding you," he says and his voice is choking.

"Don't be sorry. It was time well spent, obviously, or you wouldn't be in my arms right now."

"I'm here because..." he starts and his neck is pressed to mine. I can feel him swallow back the tears. "I'm here because I need you. I...can't say the words, yet, Bren. I'm sorry."

In that confession he breaks and I realize how much a stranger 'love' is to him. This man who can care and give of himself without reservation cannot...does not...know how to receive love. I put my hand to the back of his head and cradle him against me. "Jess," I whisper as I begin to run kisses over his face, slowly, gently. Don't want to push him away by triggering haunting memories. I take it slow for that reason alone. "I understand. Believe me, partner, you're not alone in this. I've been there."

I taste his silent tears. "Sorry," he says under his shaking breath. "Not being very brave right now, I guess."

"Showing emotions is the hardest thing for a man, Jess. It makes us think we're weak. When in reality...the opposite is true. I wouldn't be right here, right now, if I didn't believe that."

His gaze lowers and he works his bottom lip with his teeth. "Would you...um...you said something about a massage?"

I grin. "I think I did, yes."

"Is that offer still good?"

I grin again and kiss him again. "Always."

He pushes himself away and pulls off his black sweater. He tosses it on the floor, but I don.t see where it lands. I just look at his chest. How beautifully sculpted it is. His muscles are not overbearing, but they are definitely there. I put my hands to his shoulders and we look at each other. "I'm a gentle touch, Jess."

"I know," he whispers. The look between us says it all. It's not just the massage I was talking about. Jesse knows that. We must be getting more in synch as the minutes tick by.

I lead him to the couch. "On your stomach, partner, get comfortable."

He does as requested and his back muscles scream at me to get my hands on them. This is going to be good for me, too.

The couch is such that the back cushions can be tossed aside to form a small bed. It's not really a massage bed, but for right now it'll serve the purpose. I push them aside and ease myself over Jesse. "Spread your legs for a second, lover."

He trusts me. I can see it in the immediate response. His legs spread. I straddle the couch and pull Jesse's legs gently over my thighs. His legs wrap around my waist and I have leverage now. I rub my hands together to warm them. "Don't mind no oil, do you?" I ask. "I just want my skin on yours, nothing separating us, not even a thin veil of oil."

He lets out a contented moan. "I don't mind," he says. And I begin. From the base of his spine, I ease my fingers over the crevice that runs up to his shoulders. I spread my hands out over his shoulders and begin to gently knead the muscles. I continue this route for a few minutes, feeling his muscles give in to the slight pressure. He's warm and his skin is pliable...he's relaxing. I lose myself in the ministration and find myself wanting to touch him all over. "Can you remove your pants?" I ask.

He nods and works himself to where he unbuckles his belt and unzips his pants. I help him ease out of them and toss them aside. We resume our first position. I begin to massage his thighs and buttocks. We've been together before a few times, so he's comfortable in his nakedness around me. As I press certain areas over his body, he moans with contentment. It thrills me that he trusts me so completely to do this for him. And I so enjoy doing it for him. At first, in the days before Adam and Mutant X, I did not enjoy massaging my lovers, at least not the way I enjoy it with Jesse. I did not love them. I do love him. It's a good feeling to know the difference, to feel the difference. With the others it was just sex. With Jesse...it's far more beautiful than just physical release. It's not release I'm looking for...but shelter.

I lean over his back and stretch my touch to his arms. "I know you can't say the words, Jesse. But I need to say them. I love you. Do with that what you will, but know I say those words from my heart."

He reaches out and grabs my hand as it journeys back to his shoulders. He wraps his fingers around mine and pulls them to his lips. "Give me some time, Bren."

I bend down and kiss his shoulder. "All the time in the world. Just, whatever you do, don't shut me out completely."

His only response, the only one he's capable of, is squeezing my hand. It's amazing what the act of touching can communicate. I hope he's listening to me. My hands speak for me and they are clear and succinct. I move them down to his legs again and make tender pressure circles over his thighs and calves. I rest his leg over my shoulder and move my hands up and down his calf muscle. He is a perfectly proportioned man, even if he is a little shorter than I am. I can see his body is perfect and he takes care of himself. I kiss his leg where my fingers have attended and he grins. "That's nice," he sighs.

"I've got plenty more where that came from," I assure and begin work on his other leg. "Do you want me tonight, Jess?"

He opens his eyes and turns his head just a bit to look at me. "I...was hoping you would want to."

I smile. "You'll learn that I always want to."

He smiles back. "Then, yes. I want you tonight."

I shake my head. "Damn, it looks like I'm going to need the oil anyway."

He pushes himself up and with the agility of a gymnast he swings his legs over as he turns and wraps them around my waist. "Lover, there are many different ways to take and be taken. We don't need to constantly join that way."

His hand goes to the bulge of my groin and he tenderly squeezes. I gasp and he smiles. He then begins to undress me. He unbuttons my shirt and I just watch his face as he focuses on the task at hand. There is expectation written there, and peace. If he's even the slightest bit nervous after my profession of love, he doesn't show it. Then again, he's gotten good at hiding behind walls. It doesn't matter. What matters is that he's here...right now...not running off to hide. It amazes me that I am honored by this act of trust from him. Knowing what I've learned regarding him these last few days...for him to be here with me, doing what we're doing now...it *is* an honor. One I hope I'm worthy to receive.

He throws my shirt aside and begins to undo my black jeans. His lips reach up and I take the invitation, running my fingers over his arms, up and down from shoulder to elbow and back again. He reaches in to my now unzipped jeans and tenderly brushes his fingers over my hardening shaft. I moan as we continue to kiss. "You've got excellent hands, lover," he whispers. "I'm so damned relaxed I almost feel like I could fall asleep."

I smile. "I don't think sleep is on the agenda tonight." I put my hand to his shaft and begin to massage it gently. He groans and arches his head back. I lean forward and kiss the exposed flesh of skin he offers to me. I suck gently. He groans.

I know he can't say the words. That's just another safety barrier I am not allowed to cross over. I understand that, but in truth...I don't need to hear them. The emotion he holds within him is in his touch. I am listening, Jesse, I think to myself. Speak loudly to me in the presence of our silence.

Our lips join. The journey for our souls to entwine commences.

Walt Whitman would be proud.

The End.