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ABOUT COLE by Natasha Barry
THE BROKEN HEARTS CLUB. Cole/Dennis. Cole/Kip Rogers. Posted to Squidge-Makebelieve 2007, edited 2024. Patrick, Howard, Benji, Marshall, Taylor.
Dennis peered at the smog-infested skyline. “Home.” He smiled. “So how are things, Patrick?” His luggage was in the trunk.
Of the old gang, it was Patrick who retrieved him from LAX.
He’d been gone for nearly two years, and it seemed longer.
Patrick's personal drama continued during Dennis' absence.
Patrick got him up-to-date. “I’m getting used to the fact I feel I have a son rather than a nephew. I guess if I’d donated my sperm to my sister, and she’d carried the baby – “
“That would be illegal.”
“That’s not sex.”
“But that’s why the sex is illegal.”
“So I missed out on a nephew and a son, how’s that?”
Dennis said, “I have the feeling science is way out of our ability to control.”
“That’s how I felt. I’m used to it now. Fortunately, none of the other guys has a lesbian sister after his sperm.”
He'd waited long enough. “So is Cole meeting us there?”
“He’s on the set until late. I can let you in, show you around, you can unpack.”
“You’ve got a key?” Dennis was impressed. Cole was never one to pass around keys.
“For emergencies only. Cole decided I was the most responsible, or the one least likely to spy on him, so he gave me the key.”
“So you spy on him?”
“Dennis.”
“Do you ever see Kevin?”
“No. He kind of formed his own group of twentysomethings.”
“Well, as a thirtysomething, I would like to have seen him.” At Patrick’s glance, “Nothing special.”
“Yeah, we’re all jaded. We can try and find him?”
“No, what’s important is you and my friends, the gang from JACK’S. Coffee and conversation and workouts and haircuts… Remember?”
“That’s easily arranged. We’re still up to the same, except for Cole. He has a personal trainer. I buy a magazine to figure out what he’s up to.”
“You have his house key. So what about Cole?”
“You know," said Patrick. "The career, his TV show. He has to be discreet, so he’s not only busier, but he is selective about seeing old friends and on what turf – when he has the time.”
“You sound like you’re quoting the party line. I’m surprised he offered to put me up.”
“Anything for an old friend. Besides, you’re here for a visit. Us, he can see any time.” Patrick laughed. “It’s always about Cole.”
“What?”
“Conversations. They always come back to Cole, always did, I guess.”
“I read about him getting a series, but you were over here.”
“Yeah, that movie he did with Kip Rogers came out. There was a lot of buzz about it, about him. Next thing you know, Cole is whisked out of WeHo and JACK’S and into the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I didn’t realize it could happen that fast. Cole said it was about timing, that he was at the make it-or-break it point in his career. He may not know a lot of things, but he knows his career. I guess that’s when Kevin hooked up on his own, clear of us, with you and Cole both gone. You two were the links.”
“And how’s Benji?” Dennis thought to add, “Really?”
“As usual, falling for the wrong guy. This one’s lasted two months – so far.”
“Good. I’m home.”
“Taylor’s happy with his boyfriend. This one wanted to settle down. And Howie’s content: he and Marshall will be together fifty years from now, just to prove it can be done.”
They’d come full circle. “And you?”
“I’m doing okay. Thought I’d be better off without Cole in my face as a daily reminder of what I’ll never be, and I’ve got my kid. Strange thing is, I’m meeting more women than ever. They’re attracted to the kid. They assume I’m divorced. I keep wondering how I’d do if I let slip I’m a friend of Cole’s. It’ll probably turn out I’m a latent heterosexual. And how about you, still got that guy in Italy you wrote us about?”
Dennis managed to sound confident. “He’s still there.”
“I’m surprised he didn’t come with.”
An exit off the freeway forestalled any response Dennis would have made.
A few minutes later, “Well, we’re here.” A security code and the gate opened. “A humble abode, private pool, the works.”
“I guess.” Dennis examined the secured grounds and tall trees in full and permanent foliage. One thing about Southern California, it only had two seasons. “I suppose he has curious neighbors.” From here, he couldn’t tell how big the property was, since the house came to a point and extended towards the back.
Patrick nodded while opening the trunk to remove the bags. “Ones with binoculars. The scandal mags are the ones really concern him. They use amazing lenses.”
“I know about that.” A large portion of his luggage was taken up with cameras and different size lenses. Unfortunately, since it was unlikely Cole had a darkroom, he’d have to wait on developing film. As they brought the luggage inside, Dennis noted the neat appearance to the place, the clean lines of furniture, the ambiance of neutral tones – very Calvin Klein – as well as the dark-tinted windows. “Seems a bit overdone,” he quipped.
“Guest room’s back here.”
Patrick led the way, the guest room matching the décor of the social area exactly.
“Cole doesn’t happen to know Calvin Klein personally?”
Patrick faltered. “I don’t know. I think Cole picked up an old interior decorating manual from the thirties and didn’t realize it was faded.”
“Just wondered if I’d have to compete with C.K. for his time. That, or his models. So, anything off-limits?”
“You used to live together, Dennis,” Patrick reminded him.
“Things have changed since then.”
“I can hang out for awhile.”
Dennis smiled. “Good.” He was finally beginning to feel he’d done the right thing by coming home.
“Oh, just to let you know, Purple Guy died a couple of months ago. JACK’S is closed.”
Purple Guy, Jack’s lover, whom Jack had left the restaurant to. But none of them had known Purple Guy, not well. In fact, Dennis barely exchanged two words with the man. “A funeral?”
“We did a good one, we all showed up, except Cole. I don’t think he could have gotten away for it, anyway. Some recorded music…”
The new resident smiled. “Let’s try and go two minutes without saying Cole’s name.”
=====
Karen Carpenter might have been singing “a hug and a kiss and we’re on our way” in his head, but one look into Cole’s face and Dennis knew it wouldn’t be that easy.
After the heartfelt yet somehow formal embrace, Cole pulled back and said, “I wish this were during the hiatus,” referring to scheduled non-production on a series. “We’re not going to have much time for serious catching up, not until this weekend, when I promise we’ll do whatever you want.”
“Promise? So you’re early to bed and early to rise, huh?”
“I’ve got serious time management issues.”
“Wow. You look beat.”
Cole shrugged, indicating it may be worse than that.
“What is it?”
“Where’s Patrick?”
“He took off to visit little Jack.”
“Something happened at the studio," said Cole. "Want a beer?”
“I’ll get it.”
When Dennis returned he saw his host had sprawled onto one of the mighty beige chairs.
“I was looking through scripts over lunch. One of them was a gay love story.”
“For your show?”
“Nothing to do with the show; independent projects being thrown my way.”
“That’s great. Isn’t it? What you want. I mean, they’re doing gay-themed projects.”
“You don’t get it.”
Dennis sat across from him. “I guess I don’t,” he admitted. He was appreciating the fact scripts about gay lovers were floating around Hollywood, an indication times must be changing or at least that gays were the new flavor of the month.
“The last thing I can do is play gay when I am gay. It was a joke, the dangerous kind a certain producer I know plays.”
“Why is he after you?”
“I turned him down: not my type.”
“And he doesn’t appreciate you not putting out.”
“They never do.”
“I thought that sort of thing ended when you became famous.”
“The casting couch never ends. At least not until you’re an A-lister, and a TV star is never that.”
“So what did you do?”
“The only thing I could do – shred it.” He answered the unspoken query with, “If I sent it back someone might check out the content, investigate where it came from, and it would raise questions. The best thing to do with a joke – if you can’t get even – is to ignore the joker and hope he goes away.”
“And what if he doesn’t?”
“I don’t know,” Cole admitted. “There’s a practice of not outing people in this town, but that’s not like something can’t be arranged. The guy’s powerful – this week – and my show can’t last forever. But the way this business is, he could be nobody by the end of next week. In the meantime, I have some muscle I can pull.”
“I see that.”
“But you’re back from Italy. Tell me about it.”
“Ruins, picturesque palaces, art, sculpture, tombs. The usual.”
“And a guy?”
“One.”
“You’re doing better than me.”
“You, without companionship? I don’t believe it.”
“It’s not easy meeting people, the right kind of people. Most of us, the ones in the spotlight or powerful or both, we resort to paid escorts. That’s a business transaction, and sometimes it turns into a regular thing. Sometimes I meet someone, but it’s hard making a go of it. The schedule, for one thing.”
Dennis pointed out, “You always craved variety.”
“Not in a pack.”
“I don’t believe it. You’re finally the success we always knew you would be, and you’ve got problems. Specifically, you can’t get laid.”
“Reassuring, isn’t it?”
Dennis affirmed, “You bet it is.”
“I’m glad I didn’t disappoint you.”
“Never. So what’s on the agenda after beer? More catching up?”
“I wasn’t kidding about the time constraints. It’ll be better this weekend.”
“That’s okay. In the meantime, I’ll make do with our friends. Any chance of us visiting you on the set?”
“I’d rather not.”
Dennis thought it over. “Well, maybe not Taylor,” he conceded. “On the other hand, nobody’s safe, including me, that’s what you mean.”
“Sorry.”
“No big deal. I didn’t come home to see a production, I came to see you – and the other guys. Patrick’s already got lunch set for us tomorrow.”
“Good, so you won’t sit around here being bored.”
“I can always go visit some of the old haunts. Maybe drive around to my old house, see what the new owners have done with it.”
“Take my car. But you might want to rethink the old homestead.”
“That bad?”
Cole nodded. "They didn’t keep it up as well as you.”
“As well as we.”
The phone rang. Dennis tried to be circumspect and not listen in. Cole’s tones were muted anyway, except for the, “I’ll call you. ‘Bye.” But Dennis couldn’t ignore the look on Cole’s face as he hung up the phone.
“Are you okay?”
Cole started. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“You look not okay.” Dennis was tentative. In the old days, anything upsetting Cole would have been his business. In the old days… Cole was never upset about anything.
“Just a friend.”
His mind leaping from A to Z, Dennis made the offer. “If you need to have someone – here – I can disappear.” He was thinking BOYFRIEND… BOYFRIEND. But Cole didn’t do BOYFRIEND in the traditional sense of the word. Not in the old days….
Cole smiled. “It’s not important. Listen, I need to unwind a bit before dinner. Mind if I shower first?”
“Dinner?”
“It’s okay. Cartons are in the kitchen.”
Over CHINESE, they pointed out the differences in each other’s lifestyles from the last time they’d seen each other.
Dennis said, “I like it like this, that the others aren’t here.”
“Yeah, quiet. Like – I’m not going to say it.”
“That’s all I keep doing, remembering the old days.” As Cole smiled at him, “Trying to make sense of today.”
“We’re friends. That’ll never change.”
As they were clearing away, Cole said, “Listen, if you’re up early enough, I have a late call. Usually I go running, but we can do a walk.”
They set a time, Dennis meeting up with Cole as soon as he heard activity in the house.
“Good morning.” He’d been looking forward to the morning so much he hadn’t gotten much sleep.
Cole, on the other hand, looked far cheerier than he had over dinner.
Cole said, “Glad to see you brought your gear.”
It was a short drive to the beach, the morning chill keeping the casual bathers indoors. Right now there were dog walkers and joggers and the usual morning stragglers, nobody taking a close look at anyone to realize the celebrity in their midst. Later, following a short sprint, they were walking along the beach.
“Are you seeing someone?”
Dennis ignored the shoreline.
Cole teased, “I’m always seeing someone.”
“I mean, someone special.”
“Not that I’m aware of. This is sounding like an interview.”
“Then that wasn’t a guy who called last night?”
“It was.”
“You’re never without company, no matter what you said.”
“It’s difficult.” Cole sighed, resigned. “You can’t believe the charade that goes on.”
“Oh, I can imagine. Everyone is supposed to think I’m a friend, right? A straight friend. That is, if I meet anybody.”
“Well, you are a straight friend as far as I’m concerned.”
“Just because we haven’t had sex doesn’t make me straight. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. I mean, I can’t be good for your cover. Should I move out?”
“You just got here, and I want to see my friends, especially ones that live in Europe.”
“Okay, then. But I won’t answer the phone. Anyone wants me, they’ll have to send a message by carrier pigeon.” A few more steps then, “But what are you doing about it?”
Cole responded, “Keeping a low profile, not taking any walks in WeHo, that’s for sure.”
“But a lot of guys know you there.”
“Gossip, it’s too late to do anything about, but unless I do something stupid in public – and that includes hanging out in WeHo – I’m okay as far as the press is concerned. Most of the journalists are too ashamed to out anyone. Even when they ask the question, they’re satisfied with a glib response even when they know it’s a lie. They’ll print it, anyway. They know the business, that it’s a necessity or nobody would bother putting up a front.”
Dennis watched as a seagull soared overhead. Aiming his ever-present camera, he followed the bird in flight.
“You like living this way?”
“Which part?”
“You know, success has done something for you.”
“What’s that?”
“Taught you how to deflect those questions you don’t want to answer.” As there was no reply, he said, “Or maybe I shouldn’t be asking questions.”
“It takes getting used to.”
“I’ll bet. You used to own the town, now you can’t even walk it?”
Cole laughed. “'Own the town?' Christ, Den. I was a waiter in a restaurant hoping for my big break.”
Dennis looked to Cole for the joke, but there wasn’t one.
=====
As soon as Howie’s lensed gaze was intent on him, Dennis knew he’d hit the target. Declared the deep-thinking one in their midst: “You want to know who Cole is sleeping with – and how often – because you want Cole.”
Dennis considered lying, but there were advantages in being honest with your friends. One, you had a shoulder to cry on when necessary. Two, maybe they could tell you something you didn’t already know – like about Cole’s boyfriend. “How did you know? When?”
“Always.” Howie traded a glance with Benji. “Besides, the clincher was when you went after Kevin. Cole had started sleeping with him when you decided you needed some significance in your life. I’m afraid at that point the scene developed into a silver screen melodrama wherein the two buddies really wanted to fuck each other, made do with Rita Hayworth instead. So Kevin became the stand-in. Maybe he’s figured it out. I’m afraid it never required a psychology major. But if you want to clue the clueless Cole in, we’ll have to get him a book.”
“You mean I only wanted Kevin because Cole had him?”
Benji was staring rapt. “Or because Kevin had Cole.”
“Certainly,” Howie agreed, as if no one had interrupted. He warmed to his theme. “Once you had Kevin, you dropped him. You’d had all you could – of our friend, Cole, that is – from Kevin, so you didn’t need him anymore, let alone want him, especially since Cole was due back from Phoenix. Which left both you and Kevin confused and desperate, but Cole has never taken up with one of your castoffs – “
Benji added, “So you trotted off to Europe.”
“Licking your wounds,” agreed Howie.
“That’s disgusting.” Dennis looked from one to the other, both nodding agreement. “It may be true, but it’s disgusting.” Then he thought about it. “Always?”
“Always,” insisted Howie.
“I guess Cole and I did... sort of... go on a date, you know, when we met.”
“But you were into tricks, while he was into hit-and-run relationships – you both knew it wouldn’t work. So no sex, but you did the next best thing. Actually the best thing, considering where you were both at, at the time. You moved in together, and played house.”
Benji added, “You made great roommates.”
“Compatible,” allowed Howie, since it proved his point. “You were playing a waiting game, but you beat Cole to it – no surprise there.”
“So you ran off to Europe,” Benji repeated, as if that fact alone proved the theory. “Hoping he wouldn’t let you go.”
Dennis saw Howie and Benji were providing their own entertainment by agreeing with each other.
Benji continued, “But he did, and now his career’s hot and you’re back looking to make up for lost time.”
“Or hoping he’s missed you desperately.”
Dennis pointed out, “I have a boyfriend in Rome.”
“Whom you’ve conveniently left behind, because Cole’s here and you have unfinished business. The problem is letting Cole in on it, especially if he does have a boyfriend for the first time ever. You may have left it too late.”
“By the way…” Alerted, Howie looked past Dennis, Dennis trying to see what was going on.
“What’s that?” he asked, frowning.
“Oh,” Benji explained, “a few people we didn’t want to know, spread the word about ‘meanwhile’ so we had to find a new one. Now it’s ‘by the way’….”
“It was his old boyfriend,” Howie said, “who spread the word at the gym. It was embarrassing.”
“I like ‘by the way,’” for indicating attractive strangers. But Dennis was reminded of too many hours wasted away in coffee shops. Though they were fun hours; a time he never thought of as wasted. “You know what? I love you guys. Maybe it’s okay to have insignificant fun now and then. When I was in Rome, this is pretty much what I’d end up doing over there, only it was cappuccinos instead of mochas and lattes.”
“What about Cole?” demanded Howie. “How do you plan to draw the line?”
Benji snickered. “Yeah, he may need a map drawn for him.”
In his ‘let’s try and be helpful’ tone of voice, Howie suggested, “Why don’t you hide a love note in one of the scripts from his show? At least then you’d know he’d pick it up and read it.”
Dennis opted for something more rational. “Maybe I should find out where he’s at regarding this other guy.” But the thought nagged at him, maybe he didn’t figure into Cole’s life anymore.
Benji frowned. “What’s Cole like now, anyway?”
Dennis was afraid to ask how long it’d been since any of the old gang had seen Cole. He was rescued from awkwardness by the arrival of Taylor, the only buddy from the old days he’d yet to reunite with. Patrick had come and gone: something about Jack and the park. He and Taylor embraced, followed by a pulling back with Dennis remarking, “You never age.”
“It’s my advantage over you fair types.”
“So how’s your life? Heard you snagged a boyfriend.”
“Married again,” he admitted, “third time’s the charm. Patrick approves and everything. You’ll have to come over some night. Can’t have you going back to Italy without meeting my main man.”
“I’d invite you back to my place but it’s Cole’s place.”
“Patrick don’t give up that key either.”
“It’s not like that. I think Cole’s life is complicated. How complicated, I’m not sure.”
“You propose to him yet?”
Howie and Benji looked to Dennis for his reaction.
Dennis countered, “Is this a conspiracy?”
“There’s only one man you want to settle down with.”
“Let’s talk about Italian cuisine instead.” Benji couldn’t contain the smirk.
“I should have stayed in Rome.”
=====
On the weekend, Cole was home learning the next week’s script. “There’s all this legalese to playing a lawyer. Half the time I don’t know whether they’re making it up. Most of the time, they’re ripping the plot out of the headlines.”
“Could be worse; you could be playing a surgeon.”
“Which reminds me, next time you see Howie, you can return that book.” He indicated the item lying atop the table. “I’ll attach a note so he knows I’ve read it.”
“How long have you had it?”
“A couple months. It’s hard finding time for reading anything but scripts.”
With a nod towards the TV, Dennis observed, “You’re watching news on a Saturday?”
“It’s my agent’s suggestion, but you can see I’m pulling double duty.”
“Why?”
“This way I’m up with current events, helps if I’m booked on a talk show. So I’m reading best sellers and Shakespeare. Don’t laugh about the Shakespeare. It’s not easy; and I’m not playing HAMLET.”
“Well, it’s not current, but it surprises me. The language is difficult to get around.”
“I have to admit I cheat – so many of the plays are on film it’s like crib notes. Didn’t think I’d ever become a literature nut, did you?”
“I always knew you had it in you.”
“The guys will have fun with this, especially Howie. He thinks I’m nothing but an airhead who looks good in a wife-beater.”
“Yeah, you don’t want to blow that image – it’s all they aspire to. Besides, Howie would feel more insecure if you did start spouting the dramatics. Why’d he loan you the book?”
“I think my conversation was boring him. He and Patrick were over and it was in the car. I wish I could have joined you for lunch. So what’d the guys say?”
“They seem a pretty stable bunch, better than I remember. Patrick’s more interested in fatherhood than anything, and flirting with heterosexuality, so that’s new. Taylor’s still in his honeymoon phase – again. Marshall’s in the background so I haven’t met up with him, and Howie’s over-analyzing everything in sight. Benji’s got a boyfriend, but I didn’t meet him.”
“So nothing’s changed. Did they say anything about me?"
“They miss you.”
“I miss them, too. Sometimes I really…” Cole shook his head.
“What?”
“Think of those times in WeHo at JACK’S as the good old days.”
“Perhaps they were.”
“It shouldn’t be. Not for me, or for you. I’m a Hollywood success story – at least for the moment – and you’re living someplace exotic, romantic, doing things you always dreamed of.”
“These should be the good old days, you mean.”
“Yeah.”
Since Cole was glancing towards the TV again, “So you’re home today?”
“I promised, remember? Whatever you want to do, within reason. So no barging down to WeHo to check out packages, not on my time.”
Dennis saluted. “Masculine scenery, on hold. Yes, sir.”
“How about swimming? Have you used the pool yet? If you didn’t bring a suit, you can go buff. I’ve got that handled.”
Dennis agreed. “Yeah, everything short of armed guards stationed at the perimeter.”
Dennis took the seat across from him, idly noting the images flickering on the TV. “I don’t know how you have time to keep in shape or relax. You work long hours, leave the house at dawn, come back at dinner; you’re barely home.”
In fact, they’d had scant conversation since Dennis arrived. It was three-sixty degrees since the old days when they were roommates who worked alongside each other. They’d probably spent more time together than a married couple. Maybe that’s how their friends got the idea they were a couple.
“It’s twelve hours, then I’m working out. If Jack could see me now! The producers would never let me play on a softball team. A broken leg or a swollen face and the show shuts down.”
“Where do you work out?” He hadn’t noticed any equipment in the house.
“There’s a gym on the studio lot. They don’t want faces breaking any bones, but flab doesn’t photograph neatly either. I never know when I’m going to have to strip for a shower scene.”
“You were always in shape. I envy you. Never could figure out where you got the energy, or the dedication to stick with it.”
“But you were at the gym all the time.”
“I did what I had to.”
“So do I. I’m in a profession where how I look is nine-tenths of the job.”
“Should I envy you?”
Cole shook his head, smiling. “Why bother?”
“It’s something personal. It’s that surprising?”
“Coming from you, yes. I didn’t think you approved of me, sometimes. Anyway – “
“I always said you were the ultimate 'meanwhile'. I guess I should say the ultimate 'by the way'.”
Cole smiled. “Really? I like that one better than ‘meanwhile.’” He switched off the news neither of them was watching. “Fire in the Canyon – again.”
“Happens every year. I wonder why firemen are the most attractive men in the universe? Outside of members of the acting profession, of course.”
“They’re young, in shape, heroic, and they’re doing what they want to do, and something that affects everyone.”
“Is that it?”
“So they’re hot.” Cole grinned. “I dated a fireman, remember? Fireboy was a week long blaze. He told me most of them are about barbecues and Sunday bowl games. What occupation does this guy in Italy have?”
“Artist. He spends time following the tourists in Venice and Capri, but we lived in Rome. I’d take photographs, and he’d work off them.”
“Venice and Capri aren’t near each other. I know; a friend made a film there – in Italy.”
“We were all over; nomadic.”
“Sounds romantic.”
But it wasn't really, Dennis could see that.
“So how does he feel about you being here?”
Dennis shrugged. “Told him I needed to go home, visit old friends, before I became a stranger to my own country.”
“I wonder if I’d be that casual, if I was in love. I mean, just to let someone go off on their own.”
“We know how casual you are when you’re not in love. Old love-‘em-and-forget-about-‘em Cole.” After a pause, “What, no argument?”
“You don’t know my life now.”
“I’m getting an idea. I can see how great your life is making you feel. So who is this boyfriend of yours, and why don’t you want the rest of us to meet him? Afraid we wouldn’t approve?”
“He’s not really a boyfriend. It’s not that we date or even see each other that often. It’s more like friends.”
“Sex with friends, equals fuck buddies. You’ve never gone that route before.” Dennis fought back his instinctive anger.
“He and I had sex before friendship became a part of it. We didn’t become friends until later. I ran into him. That’s not quite true, we were sort of in touch. It’s a complicated situation.”
“So who is answering the phone in this relationship?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay.” But it wasn’t. “Since I’m staying here, I’d like to know, does he always come here or do you meet him somewhere?”
“He comes here.”
“Which means you can’t meet somewhere else. I can understand why not a hotel, but what about his place? Or is it off-limits? Cole, what have you gotten into?”
“A married man.”
“Don’t make me laugh.”
“I’m not kidding.”
“He’s gay but married, or one of those strange enigmas known as bisexual?”
“Let’s not make this about him, okay?”
“So why’s he married?”
“I’ve told you what it’s like in this business. If I was a character actor, I could probably get away with it, but being a leading man – straight men want to emulate actors, straight women want to fantasize. It’s impossible when the leading man is gay.”
“Not in Europe. They don’t care over there. I’ve been reading up on the history, lots of leading men in European films and theater productions. The audiences over there completely separate the actor from the character.”
“Not here,” Cole pointed out. “You’ve been researching film?”
“As an extension of my photography. All right, I happen to have an actor friend who may have decided to check out his chances overseas. This was before you became a hot property. Hey, wait a minute, that boyfriend of yours, he must be an actor then.” Dennis recalled, “You said there’d been an affair but you didn’t become friends until later.”
“Let’s leave it, okay?”
Dennis said slowly, “Okay,” agreeing. There could have been too many possibilities, so many actors Cole had been with over the years. Maybe someone Dennis didn’t know, had never heard about, especially if the guy was closeted.
Cole rose. “I’m going to change.”
He’d always suspected Cole to be the best of them when it came to keeping his mouth shut; guess the guy just proved it.
Fortunately for his self-assurance, but unfortunately for his strategy, Dennis packed his bathing suit and he would have felt stupid lying about it. When he came out and met Cole at the pool, he was disappointed to find his man in trunks. He should have suspected it, this was Cole’s house, certainly he had the full assortment of clothing, probably had it mailed to him by starry-eyed designers. But he’d been hoping the suggestion of buff bathing was a… suggestion. He wished Howie were listening in to advise him on all the subtleties.
Damn it, but Cole was the most masculine man he’d ever met who wasn’t obnoxious about it.
=====
Dennis didn’t know what had woken him, but he heard Cole’s soft voice saying, “Better come inside.” That was quickly followed by, “We should have kept to the phone.”
The reply came. “If you trust your friend, I trust him, too.”
There was something vaguely familiar about the voice, and then it hit him: of course this was Cole’s boyfriend, the closeted actor, come to call. Or called to come. He’d probably heard him on some program or commercial, maybe even in a top grossing film. Why else would he be closeted, unless he had something to hide, and that would be if he were so famous his career would be damaged if the truth came out: as famous as Cole, at least.
As the footsteps proceeded down the hall, past the guest bedroom, Dennis was glad he’d left the door ajar, otherwise he might have missed the soft voices. Now he knew the couple was making for Cole’s bedroom. Grimacing, Dennis knew there was nothing he could do about it. On the other hand, there was something he could do for himself, to make it a little easier: the guessing game of WHO IS THIS GUY? He was bound for sleeplessness, anyway. He knew Cole must meet dozens of actors each week, working on that series of his, as he’d caught the show in Rome, and each installment seemed to feature a few guest stars, not to mention the extras populating a scene. But this guy’s voice sounded familiar, so it wouldn’t have been dubbed into Italian, though the tone could be off, since Dennis wasn’t hearing it at close range. Why didn’t Cole tell him who it was? Didn’t Cole think he had the right? Certainly he must trust Dennis. But would the other guy? It was the other guy's secret, wasn't it? Well, a flat-out admission wouldn’t be as much fun as this cat-and-mouse game Cole was playing. On the other hand, Cole didn’t seem to be playing a game. It wasn’t like Cole to be sneaking anyone in or out of his bedroom. There was something not right about this, like maybe Cole was ashamed. Or the guy was? Of course, he was the one with something to hide, at least from a wife. All told, this wasn’t the kind of scene Dennis knew Cole to have played before. He really wanted to barge in and demand, “Cole, who are you fucking, and how do I take his place?” Oh, that was crass, that was. What would Cole’s reaction be, he wondered? Laughter, probably, then throwing him out of the house. They were in Cole’s house, this time, not when they were housemates in West Hollywood. God, he never thought he’d come to think of those as the good old days. Maybe he needed another sit down with Howie the shrink? Cole, losing his cool enough to throw him out bodily? Not likely. He wondered what Howie was doing right now – was he awake?
He got up from the bed and moved lightly to close his bedroom door.
“Howie?”
“Dennis?”
“Sorry for bothering you, but Cole is fucking his boyfriend right now.”
“Maybe boyfriend is fucking Cole.”
“That doesn’t make me feel better.”
“Of course it doesn’t.”
“I’d rather Cole fuck him.” Dennis frowned. “It’s less personal.”
“Maybe Cole’s going down on him.”
Dennis winced, considering. “I’d rather he blow Cole, for the same reason.” Hell, a stranger could blow Cole – that wouldn’t mean anything.
“Well, unless you can see through walls, you’re not going to know.”
“You’d have dated Cole if you had the chance, right?” A stupid question, really.
A pause, then the admission. "Of course, but that was years ago, and this is delay tactics. I’m not the one you’re worried about. None of us were.”
Then it occurred to Dennis, right out of the blue, like lightning, like they had it in books. He put his hand over the mouthpiece and went, “Kip Rogers!” It was a quiet scream.
“What?”
“Oh, nothing, Howie. Just realized I’ve been holding it.”
“Then for God’s sake, get off the phone!”
“Right now,” Dennis concurred. “’Night, Howie.”
“Kip Rogers?” But it made perfect sense, including the lightning flash of realization. Kip Rogers, long-time rumored to be gay actor, despite the cushy home life his publicist promoted like crazy. Cole had done that movie with Kip – they had quite a few scenes together, in fact – then Cole was back home, in time for Jack’s funeral, then he wasn’t dating, not for awhile. Seemed to have hit a dry spell. Dennis hadn’t paid much attention, figuring Cole was in grief, or feeling guilty over sleeping with Kevin again – a comfort fuck? - or he was just between guys. But Cole was never between guys.
An affair of the type Cole would have had with a married superstar would have been unlike anything Cole would have dealt with before. It would be about phone calls and hiding away and secrets. Not the way Cole ever conducted his private life before. Well, he’d remembered how good Cole was at keeping secrets.
The top male sex symbols of America, of film and television, and they were screwing each other? If only the entire world knew. It would advance gay rights tremendously; but it would derail both men’s careers.
The next morning he managed to make it through a shared breakfast before, “So how was it with Kip last night?”
Cole accused, “You heard.”
“Only the rampage down the hall. I should have asked you about Kip when you got back from Phoenix, but we were a little distracted, with Jack dying and you sleeping with Kevin.”
“What are you angry about? You don’t even care about Kevin.”
“I guess I wish you’d told me – about Kip.”
“What difference does it make?”
“I don’t know, maybe trust versus non-trust.”
“It ended in Phoenix. We ran into each other later, when they involved me in publicity for the film.”
“But he’s married.”
“His wife is out of town this weekend.”
“So he drops in and you make yourself available.”
“It’s not like that.”
“Not like what?”
“We’re friends.”
It took effort, but, “Are you in love with him?”
“It’s more complicated than that.”
“So what do you get from him?” To make this one worth it, he meant. Of course, the guy was gorgeous, but....
“If you want the truth, maybe he needs me more than I need him. But I’ve learned a lot.”
“Yeah, you’re both hiding and you’re both paranoid.”
“Only because we have to be.”
“So he’s been your mentor in all this?”
Cole sighed, then, “Why don’t we talk about your love life instead?”
Dennis shrugged. “He’s in Rome.”
“Where you lived together? The past tense didn’t escape me, you know.”
“It escaped me. A slip of the tongue.”
“Howie wouldn’t say that.”
“He’s spent too many hours with a professional shrink. I think he’s done better without him.”
“What do you mean?”
“He told me a few home truths the other day.”
“Like what?”
“Like how I never wanted Kevin; I only used him to get to you.”
“Kevin? Oh, yeah. You know, I caught you looking at me yesterday.”
So if Cole hadn’t made any move at the time, or said a word, it was because he’d been hoping the problem would go away. His stomach level with the tiled floor, Dennis pushed on. “So this isn’t a surprise?”
“I don’t know what it is,” Cole countered.
“You’re used to being stared at. You said it yourself.”
“Not from old friends.”
“You never once thought about us that way? Not even when we met?”
Cole smiled. “Okay, there was something. Certainly we knew we were going to have something, some kind of relationship. And we did. We became best friends. That was the game plan, and it worked.” Cole shrugged. “You had your scams. I thought we were happy.”
“And you never lasted with anyone for longer than a month. Four weeks is the record until Kip Rogers came to play.”
“You’re in a relationship now, with that guy in Rome – what’s his name? He’s your partner, right? That’s what you were looking for. Well, I don’t have a partner. I have a few guys – not just Kip Rogers – I see when it’s mutually convenient and mutually satisfying.”
“How mutually sanitized.”
“It’s practical.”
“Kip doesn’t mind if I know about him. I heard him last night. I recognized his voice.”
“Kip had a few beers in him. His new film didn’t top gross this weekend.”
“I think he knows how to play you.”
“This has nothing to do with you, or how you think I should behave with my friends.”
“I’m surprised you’d let yourself be used that way. He’s the one calling the shots. That’s not the Cole I know.”
“Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think. Face it, our conversations never bordered on the soul-searching.”
“Not to begin with, no.”
“Okay, you’ve changed too. You went off to Europe, living out some fantasy. So we had different ideas of each other.”
“I’m talking real life, not fantasy. I know who you are.”
Cole smiled. “No, you’re talking your fantasy, which has nothing to do with my life.”
Dennis started to back away from the table, taking his dish to the sink. “Then I’m tired of fantasies. That’s why I came back.”
“Or maybe now I’m famous you’re wishing you had a piece of the action.”
“Cole!”
Shocked, Dennis could see how this idea could take hold. After all, his old friend had become a guy who was constantly looking over his shoulder to see who and what was sneaking up on him.
“Okay, I didn’t mean that.”
“Howie says I wanted you to stop me from leaving, that I wouldn’t have gone to Europe if you’d asked me to stay.”
“You’re not backing down from this.”
“No. The flight was miserable, not to mention the decision to return.” At the skeptical glare, Dennis offered, “Everyone knew. If you think about it, you’re in love with me, only maybe I’m not convenient.” He prayed Howie was right in all that psychobabble he uttered. “Didn’t you think we’d spend our lives together?”
“I changed my mind once Taylor moved in.”
“Yeah,” Dennis recalled, “temporarily disturbing the peace in our happy home.” Made it easier for them to be distant from each other, right when it counted. Taylor’s moving in came just as Cole was making it with Kevin, while Dennis envied them both. “Just before you went to Phoenix.” A month in the desert for a bit part in a movie that changed Cole’s life. “What was that like with him, how you got together? It can’t matter; you’re not blowing his cover. So who made the first move?”
“We were between scenes, and I was grabbing a donut off the catering table.”
Dennis noted how Cole recalled the details, like a scene in a movie, the witness giving testimony. Then again, it was Kip Rogers.
“He came up, grabbed a coffee, asked how long I’d be on the shoot. Just shootin’ the breeze. I’d only appeared in one scene so far, but we’d been on the set all day. It’s not like we were alone, but he hung around that table. It was funny, but I felt like a waiter again. Then we had like five seconds of privacy, and it came real fast. He wanted to know if I’d brought someone to keep me company on the shoot. I told him I was flying solo – “
“You knew what he was going for.”
“By that point. Then he wondered if someone wasn’t at home pining for me, worrying about an O.L.H. – On Location Hook-up. I told him I hadn’t met the man who’d made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”
“Clever of you; clever of him.”
“He got the information he was after, and so did I.” Cole smiled in recollection. “It’s not like I wanted to waste time playing games. I knew that movie would be the turning point for me, and he was part of that. Since we were both solo, we decided to grab dinner together. Actors going over lines, you know.”
“Was it one of the rooms or a restaurant, to begin with? I’m wondering this guy’s M.O.”
“Of course his room.”
“His?”
“In case someone should call.”
“That old room service fantasy. His wife?”
“She never did.”
“You know, the scene in that bed would make for one hit blockbuster spectacular. I mean, even with my jealousy and envy and everything, I wouldn’t mind seeing it.”
“You almost did; last night. But that’s one video that’ll never get a distribution deal.”
Dennis understood the implied threat, and also that he was to keep his mouth shut about Cole and Kip Rogers, even to their friends. After all, Cole had kept quiet about it for years, only now two careers were on the line. “So, do I get to meet him?”
“To make a pass, or to be critical of him?”
“I wouldn’t do that.”
Now, because of Cole’s involvement with him, Dennis was interested in seeing the big star in the flesh, and not to gawk at, but to see how Kip Rogers measured up. But he never thought he’d be in competition with a film star, of all people, let alone over a movie star. All right, a TV star.
“The one time we nearly locked heads was over Kevin, remember? You didn’t like how I treated him though you were happy enough I set him loose.”
“Kevin was different. Besides, he was a victim of displaced affection. Kip Rogers has nothing to do with that.”
“I’ll mention it to him, but we don’t see a lot of each other so I wouldn’t count on it.”
“We can spend the rest of the day with you telling me about the other men in your life.”
“Fat chance. Actually, it was nice to unload a bit,” Cole admitted.
“I can imagine. That’s why I wonder if it’s worth it?”
Countered Cole, “Him, in particular, or my life?”
Dennis laughed: Cole did say he had a few guys on the sly.
“Why don’t we have the guys over? It’ll be like the old days, a real house party.”
That meant Dennis doing all the cooking, but he didn’t mind. Those were the good old days, like Cole said. “I can get on the phone, invite them now.”
“I said this is your day. But keep it to Patrick, Taylor, Benji, Howie and maybe Marshall.”
“I hope we’ve got enough food in.”
“Tell them orders to go.”
Though it was the weekend, according to Howie his friends had nothing to do except meet up with each other anyway, foregoing a swap meet.
“Great,” Dennis told him. “Congregate and meet over here.”
They arrived in two cars, and Dennis and Cole were smiling and extending hugs. Taylor appraised Cole, the length of which told Dennis more than he needed to know on how long it had been since these friends had met up. Taylor concluded, “You’re still better-looking than all of us put together. That spoiled, rich man’s life is treating you well.”
“I’d get upset about that,” said Howie, “but I’m here with Marshall and he won’t let me.”
Marshall grinned while Dennis opined, “There is such a thing as being too settled in a relationship.”
As the hours wore on, with friends drinking and chatting like the old days (over décor and personal woes), and Cole strangely attentive, Dennis discerned what the man’s plan was. Well, if Cole was thinking he could get away with it, the ‘ultimate’ had another think coming.
“It’s not going to work,” he told Cole, once they were tidying up following the departure of the lingering carload of guests as Marshall had finally talked Howie into leaving.
At least Howie had his book returned to him, the one on loan to Cole. “You didn’t bring another,” Cole had joked. “My nightstand’s about to collapse.”
“What isn’t?” Cole asked now.
“You’re trying to revert our friendship to what it was before I left.”
“All we did was have friends over.”
“And I was in the kitchen and you were being the charming host. Yeah, I sense a pattern. We’re returning to our tried-and-true former relationship, so we’re the couple that does everything together except have sex.”
“I thought I was the one reading Howie’s books.”
“Yeah, you have been reading Howie’s books,” accused Dennis, “and yet there’s no mistaking keen native intelligence when it’s at work.”
Patience worn thin as a sheet of plastic wrap, Cole suggested, “You want us to have sex, will that take care of it?”
“You want to have sex? I mean,” Dennis faltered, “you’re offering sex?” He wanted to jump for joy while hurling accusations.
“When I met you I thought about it. It occurred to me.”
“You don’t want to have sex.” There was that sensation of his stomach hitting the floor again.
“You want to have sex.”
Dennis dropped the dishtowel, having ignored the dishwasher. “I know you don’t want to think this, but it can be more than that.”
“And then what?”
“What do you mean?”
“Say it’s more than a trick, that we don’t want to say good-bye as soon as it’s done. Not to mention the risk we place on our friendship, and the balance we have within our circle of friends. You want to abandon Italy? You ready to move in here? You know what my life is like? It’s not like we can go out in public. You can never be my date to anything. I can’t even mention your name unless you become my personal assistant. Yeah, that's a code word. And there’s more,” cautioned Cole. “So you’d better hope it’s just sex. A curiosity that needs satisfying for old time’s sake, that’s all.”
Dennis quickly envisioned the life Cole wasn’t describing, the sham dates, or the occasionally real dating scene Cole would pursue, even marriage to a woman someday. Perhaps, like Kip Rogers, Cole could put out for women, who knows, it wasn’t something the friends ever discussed. But Dennis had dated women before yielding to his nature, and he imagined Cole had gone through the same. Yeah, Cole, the women would have been all over him, so it would have been easier for him to experiment than to avoid.
Well, that was decided.
Dennis knew he didn’t like hairy chests the first time he’d seen Cole without a shirt on.
“’Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?’”
“Birds don’t appear and I don’t appreciate singing while I’m taking my clothes off.”
Dennis smiled. He’d rushed through stripping, forget about etiquette. He and Cole had known each other too long for etiquette. Even now he was beneath the covers, appreciating the show. He was the select audience.
“Enjoying the view?” Cole peeled off his pants. “I feel like I’m on set.”
“I promise not to change the channel.”
“The dialogue’s gone stale.”
“So let’s not talk.”
Dennis held out his arms in invitation.
Dennis loved kissing; fortunately, so did Cole. They were soon panting into each other with real passion. As Dennis moved his face down the strong body, one of those gasps was of relief, that Cole wouldn’t be faking anything, and that he hadn’t ruined their friendship after all.
Afterwards – Dennis had heard the rumor Cole was a ‘bottom boy’ and he was! – Dennis pronounced a judgment he’d sworn not to. “That was the best fuck I ever had in my life. It went beyond sex. It was in the realm of Karen Carpenter.” Actually, he was best described as a ‘bottom’, however that meant he and Cole knew how to pleasure each other when taking a turn at ‘top.’
“I never told you, Den, but I never liked Karen Carpenter. I mean, the voice is okay…”
“It won’t work.” So what if his early mid-life crisis involved a disagreement over the merits of the Carpenters? What was happening now, was meant to happen, and that’s what mattered. “You’re not going to fuck this up for me. I am in love, it has happened, and it’s settled.”
“You’re not going to start singing again, are you?”
Dennis intoned, “’On the day that you were born the angels got together.’”
“’That’ is superfluous.”
So then, “Try not being so damn depressed over the revelation.”
Cole got up, taking a turn wandering the spacious bedroom.
Watching him, Dennis preened. “You can’t leave, it’s your house. With the security system you’ve got, I can probably lock you in.”
Cole grimaced, finally returning to the bed. “You and Karen Carpenter. Most of those love songs were depressing, that’s what I remember. Love isn’t a good thing; it’s not healthy.”
“Neither's chocolate, but boy do we love it. An aphrodisiac too, I hear. Can’t expect me to give up either. So love’s not healthy, not all the time, and not when it comes deeply.” A pause, then the accusation, “I haven’t been thrilled over you lately.”
Cole sighed. “You know what to expect. You really want that kind of life, being someone who’s shoved into the background because the guy you’re with can’t be honest about his life?”
“If you’re telling me to forget about you, I tried that, remember? And that guy’s still in Italy. Obviously, if I have a choice, my choice is made. But how do you feel? I mean, I’m prepared to take on the responsibility. My return from Italy proved that. And I'm not beyond exerting emotional manipulation to get me what I want.”
“I feel the tug. I love you, I have since we met.”
“But not the same way.”
“Maybe.”
“You can’t let go,” Dennis pronounced sentence. “I thought you were the one who was loose, so unfazed by anything, ultimately neutral. You’re wound so tight you’re afraid to let go, probably don’t know how.”
“And if I change, what do I become?”
Dennis shrugged. “I don’t know. Might be worth the price of admission to find out, don’t you think?”
At least the resulting smiles were in unison.
THE END