Work Text:
Fear
by Morudai/Margaret Newman
mereridkat@aol.com
*"When I saw you, I was afraid to meet you... When I met you, I was afraid to kiss you... When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you... Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you."*
The quote inside the greeting card made Jim grimace. After his fight last night with Blair, he wouldn't be surprised if his friend left for good this time. He was procrastinating about going home, afraid of what he wouldn't find upon opening the door to the apartment.
Once, last year sometime, after another blow-out argument, he had bought Blair a card and a box of organic chocolates. Blair had made him promise not to buy any more greeting cards. Well, he figured it was legal this time. He needed something to help him apologize.
He paid for the card, wondered about getting Blair a gift, and gave up. It was already close to 7 o'clock and he really should get home. The ex-Army Ranger, the highly decorated police detective squared his broad shoulders, toughened his resolve, and headed home.
Of course the elevator was out of order, so Jim started up the stairs. He heard the clack-clack of Tanya's clogs before he saw her. He could smell her easy- strawberries and Italian spices, and mmmmmm cheese, Jim frowned as he contemplated, mozzarella?
"You know, for a smart guy." Tanya started talking before she saw him. He still said she could probably be a Sentinel but Blair always said no, Tanya's just psychic and really observant. "You really are shit for nothing stupid."
Jim stopped walking and watched her come down the stairs towards him. He didn't say anything, he'd already learned the hard way not to argue with her. It was futile.
"I wish the two of you would break up already so he could just move in. It's driving me nuts. He's a great roommate, even if he won't have sex with me anymore." She stopped on the stairs, almost even with him for a change, and she glowered at him. "It's nice that you are good looking, at least I'm being brushed off for a good looking man, but really, this arguing crap has got to stop. I get all excited that he's going to finally move out, and then he starts his damn whimpering about not being able to leave you."
She shook her head, brilliant red ponytail shaking down her back, and she continued on her way.
"I hope you didn't get him another stupid card. He always makes me read them and they are just sickeningly sweet."
Jim's gaze narrowed on her backside, thinking dark thoughts.
"I heard that, Ellison. Just keep moving, buddy." She growled at him without looking back.
Blair was standing by the kitchen island when Jim walked into the apartment. His laptop was out on the kitchen table, papers arranged around it.
Their eyes met, and Jim was the first one to look away. He shrugged off his jacket, and stepped back to hang it up. He pulled the little paper bag with the card inside out of the inside jacket pocket.
"Look, Jim, we need to discuss this situation." Blair said with a sigh. Jim turned back to him, taking a few steps forward. He saw Blair's eyes flicker down to the bag in his hands.
"First, let me apologize." Jim took a deep breath. "I know it's hard to tell sometimes, but being with you makes me happy. It's hard for me to just be happy, and trust you, and trust us, and think positively. Please." He held up a hand. "Let me get this out."
Blair nodded, biting his bottom lip.
*"When I saw you, I was afraid to meet you... When I met you, I was afraid to kiss you... When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you... Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you."*
"When we first met, I was really stressed, and things weren't going so well for me. Then we met, and well, I reacted to you like I hadn't reacted to anyone in a long time. When you first made your true feelings known to me, you know, that you wanted me." He waved a hand in the air, shifting nervously from foot to foot. "Look, I buy the stupid cards because they say things better than I can."
"The cards aren't stupid." Blair whispered. "But I'd like to here it from you."
"When we met up for our first official date, I started worrying. I know I'm going to screw up and lose you. Eventually, somehow, some way, you'll leave. My mom left me, my dad sent me away, other people, always going away from me. I saw you there, waiting for me, and I wanted to kiss you so bad, but I was afraid. Afraid to love you, afraid to lose you. I don't know if I could survive this time. You've meant more to me than anyone else ever has."
Blair walked over to him and took the card out of his hand, having to tug slightly. He set it on the counter, and faced Jim again. He didn't say a word, he just stood there staring at Jim, listening.
It was weird, but Jim always felt that Blair was the only one in the whole world who really listened to him. It was kind of freaky at times, and sometimes it was overwhelming.
"I'm afraid to love you because it hurts. Losing you hurts. Arguing with you hurts. I just get so-." He shrugged.
"Bent out of shape?" Blair offered, smiling. "Jim?"
"Yeah?"
"You aren't losing me. Not this time. I don't know about next time, but this time? I'm staying." Blair reached out, resting his hand over Jim's left pec. He could feel Jim's heart beating hard, through his shirt.
"I'm sorry about not wanting to go to the reception with you." Jim let the words out, and sucked in a deep breath. "You-. I just." He shook his head. "It scares me sometimes. I get freaked out about the stupidest damn things."
"Will you marry me?" Blair smiled brightly, blue eyes sparkling. Jim could smell the arousal coming off him in powerful waves. A whole horde of butterflies exploded to life in Jim's belly, and his knees trembled.
"What?" Jim frowned, feeling like he hadn't heard correctly.
"Marry me, and you won't lose me." Blair winked at him.
"That's not fair. That's not-. Blair." Jim groaned.
"If I have to put up with getting a sappy card every time we argue, then I gotta have something to look forward to." He unzipped Jim's pants, and worked his fingers inside. Jim growled, wobbling a bit but leaning crotch-first towards Blair.
"B-blair." Jim stammered.
"All's fair in love and Sentinels." Blair laughed. "Say yes."
"B-blair." His Sentinel stammered again, trying to think beyond the hand wrapped around his dick.
The hand squeezed. "Say yes."
"Yes." Jim squeaked.
"Good boy." Blair chuckled evilly. "Now, whenever you start freaking out, you're going to tell me. Whatever it is, we'll work it out. No more of this blow ups that pretend to be about other shit. Say yes."
"Yes, Blair." Jim didn't argue this time. His eyes were closed.
"I think we should hyphenate our names." Blair pulled his hand out of Jim's pants and pulled of his own shirt.
"No." Jim's eyes snapped open.
"Lock the front door, baby. Meet me upstairs." Blair turned and headed upstairs.
"Blair!" Jim protested. Blair kept laughing and stripping his clothes off. "I'm not hyphenating my name!"
((end))