Chapter Text
Prologue ~ If only…
The first anniversary had been hard and at that time she had been sure that there was no way it could become any harder. Oh, how wrong she had been. Everything seemed to get downward ever since, and now, on the second anniversary of Tim’s death, she was the only one standing in front of his grave, staring down at the fine but clear letters gracing the tombstone that seemed to mock her.
Slowly and carefully she traced each and every letter with her fingertips, her body shivering as she sunk down on her knees. Tears of sorrow and anger ran down her face. She wanted to say so many things, she wanted to scream for him to come back, but she couldn’t. Letting her head hang low, her long blonde hair tangled around her face and hid her expression to bypassers. Taking a deep breath to calm herself down, she looked up again and finally started speaking.
“Hey, Tim… It’s been a long time… I’m sorry, I didn’t come to see you sooner, but I was quite occupied the last month. You know… since you’ve been gone everything changed.”
Closing her eyes for a moment as the memories took a hold of her, Sam fingered her necklace lovingly before her hand stilled and a cold look crossed her face.
“Everyone is drifting apart, Tim. Ryan, who is working with your old coworkers, is always reminded by them that he is not you. As if he didn’t know that. I really don’t understand why he never told them, he’d known you, maybe even better then they had. I really don’t get it... And I wish, I could give them a piece of my mind, but he wouldn’t like that. You know him, don’t you? We both do. So, I can’t do anything, but stand by and watch while he is dying little by little. I hate this… And Greg... Greg is hiding what he truly feels. At least, that’s what I think. Sometimes he seems rather sad, depressed even, but then he hides it behind happiness and jokes. Always babbling about something… I tried to talk to him about it, but he won’t tell me anything. And he kind of made it clear that, if I ever brought this topic up, he would not talk to me again, ever. And that’s not something I want to happen. But it hurts to see him like this. It’s been a rather long time since I saw him last, and I hope that he is better by now. I’m probably going to visit him next week. Even though we talk on the phone on a regular basis, I just want to see him again. Just like I went to see Ryan yesterday.”
She sighed and stood up, her gaze distant as she continued speaking.
“But do you know what the worst thing is? Danny isn’t talking to me anymore. He told me he was sick of all of this and that he didn’t want to see me again. He said, I would always bring back to many bad memories. I tried so hard to make him talk to me again, but he just won’t let my words come to him. He even changed his number… I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to lose him… and all the others... but I think I already have. And I’m so sick and tired of fighting for what little acceptance they are willing give me at the moment. I’m so tired of fighting for our bond to remain. Maybe it’s already to late. Maybe I made it even worse. I don’t know. I wish every night, you had not died that day. Why did you have to go and leave us all shattered to pieces? We aren’t even able to recollect ourselves this time. Why did you allow this to happen?”
Taking her necklace off, she carefully lay it down in front of Tim’s tombstone.
“I can’t fight anymore, Timmy. It’s over now. There is nothing left for us to fight for. Have you any idea how much I wish I could turn back time and change it? If I ever had been given the chance to change anything that happened that day, I would. But I can’t… And so everything that ever was between us is gone. We were like a family and now we can’t even look at each other anymore, because it reminds us of the one that passed away. And the pain following was and still is just too much. One would think that it might fade away over the years and it indeed did a little, but it is apparently not enough. When did it happen that we are not able to even trust each other to take the pain away? But it doesn’t matter anymore. Even though it breaks my heart, I can’t go on like this. Did you know that I was the only one who always had the necklace near? Even if I was not able to wear it, I always had it with me… And now I’m leaving it with you. Maybe it was you, who holds all our hearts in his hand and this is why I don’t stand a chance to help them. I don’t know… Anyway… I have to go now, Tim. I hope, we’ll be able to see each other again. Somewhere, sometime… Don’t forget about me until then. I know, I will never forget. If only you didn’t die…”
With one last look at the grave, Sam turned around, ready to leave the graveyard and her memories of Timothy Speedle and her friends behind her. The only reminder of her presence was a fine silver necklace with four pendants on it, which was found together with another equally looking one.
Samantha wasn’t sure if she was able to leave everything behind. In fact, she knew she would never be able to let go, but she had to try. And even now, as she walked back towards her car, the only thing she could think about was her wish to change everything that happened.
Her wish to bring him back to life.
Her wish to turn everything back to normal.
Everything she had to go through in her life had made her the way she was now and there had always been at least one of the others right by her side to hold her hand. Just like she had been with them whenever they had needed help. This had been the very essence of their friendship: no one was alone, they were always together.
And now everything was over. Nothing was left of this bond.
Fighting against the urge to cry again, she climbed into her car, started the engine and drove away.
Why couldn’t she just leave all the memories behind? Why couldn’t she grow distant to all of this like everyone else? Why couldn’t she just go on with her life and worry about things like work, her colleagues, Jack or something like that? Because she cared too deeply about them. And she knew the others were hurting, too. The boys tried to hide it, but in the end she knew it was like this, they hurt and nothing she could do now would change it.
Now, shedding painful tears, she didn’t notice the car that sped toward her. When she finally saw it, it was way too late. Unable to avoid the collision the other car crashed frontally into her.
/Didn’t think I would be able to see him again so soon/ she thought as pain shot through her, before her world went black.