Work Text:
Lost
by Pirate Turner
"I want you to see what you've lost." The words echoed in his head as Lex walked out with tears in his eyes. It was all he could do to control himself to keep his pace to a normal, brisk trot and to keep himself from whirling back around and yelling his thoughts out loud. Did Clark not see? Did he not understand why he was doing all this? He didn't want Lana; he'd never wanted Lana! He had first courted her to force Clark's attention and invoke jealousy, but he'd never wanted that jealousy to be over Lana. No, he'd wanted it -- ached for it even -- to be over him. That had never happened, however, and as the day that would ruin his life forever more drew steadily closer, Lex grew closer to thinking that Clark would never see what he hoped he would see. He'd never see that he wanted him, that he loved him.
Lex paused to look over his shoulder. Could all those looks in the first splendid years they'd known each other have been misread? Could it be that Clark didn't want him, that he never had, that he had only seen what he had wanted to see and read in those breath-taking blue eyes what he wanted to be there? What would happen if he turned around now, went back into that barn that held such great and horrible memories at the same time, strode over to Clark, and kissed him full on the rosy lips that constantly beckoned his attention? What would happen if he simply dared to proclaim his love for the boy?
For the man, Lex corrected himself silently. If their fued had taught him one thing, it was that it was no longer a boy he was in love with but a man. A strong man with determination that matched his own and a gentiliy he had never known before nor ever possessed, a gentility that never ceased to awe his heart. He was a man who would stop at nothing to protect those he loved save one. He had claimed to love Lex, as a friend, if nothing more, but then he had turned against him. Not that Lex hadn't deserved it, he supposed.
Was there any hope that Clark could love him again, that he could love him as more than a friend? Lex treasured his friendship beyond anything else in the world, save the love he longed for, but Clark would never admit his feelings first. What, Lex wondered yet again, would happen if he made his true feelings known?
It would end any chance for friendship they had left. That had been the excuse he'd used for so long, but there was no longer any chance left. Clark had made that crystal clear when he'd last tried to kill him. And it was all because of Lana. Or was it? Was it jealousy, rage, over his apparent choosing of Lana over him? Could such even be possible, or was it unthinkable to the virginal mind of the country boy he loved so?
Lex turned fully around. There was one way to find out. There had always been one way to find out. He could ask him. He could move upon him. He could scream out his love for him as he so often ached to do. But what if Clark didn't love him? What if he truly loved Lana? What if he wanted to hurt him? He'd have his deepest, darkest secret and one true weakness at his full disposal.
Lex looked up at the screaming of tires. He briefly wondered what Chloe wanted with Clark this time, but then he turned his back on the love of his life, opened his door, and jumped into his car. He slammed the door behind him, as though it were a barrier that could protect him from all the pain Clark Kent had the potential to put him through, and sped away. He couldn't tell Clark. If he truly loved him, as he so desperately wanted him to, he'd have to figure things out for himself. If not . . .
If not, Lex would end up following the path that his father had always wanted for him: the wicked, heartless path of the Luthors. After all, without Clark's love, he had no reason left to fight. He was what had kept him going for so many years. He was the one who he turned to when he'd had no one els to turn to. He was the one who had first given him the courage to take a stand. Without him, he was lost. Without his love, he was doomed.
Lex blinked back tears as his earlier words came again to his mind. "I want you to see what you've lost." {Please, Clark,} he begged silently, barely able to hold his tears in, {see me, love me, come, and rescue me.}
The End