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When Gibbs finally stepped out of the basement and into the living room Tony wasn’t there. His heart lurched at the thought that Tony might actually have left. Stepping further into the room and then out into the hall he found Tony sitting on the stairs in, his backpack by his side. The few belongings Gibbs let him keep at his house probably hurriedly stuffed inside. Gibbs swallowed, the sound deafening in the silence. Tony didn’t even look at him.
The younger man was frowning heavily, Gibbs saw him glance at the door, at Gibbs’ feet, his own hands, eyes moving restlessly around the small space.
“Are you going to say anything?” Tony demanded suddenly, eyes focused firmly on the floor.
“Are you going to leave?” Gibbs asked quietly.
“Would you let me?” Tony stood and Gibbs moved to block his path, the movement almost unconscious on his part. Tony laughed harshly. “Didn’t think so.” He moved away but didn’t sit down.
The silence lingered between them. Gibbs didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t good at this, he couldn’t find the words to explain how he felt, how much Tony meant to him. That he didn’t like the fact that he had become this oppressive and perhaps, God forbid, abusive force in Tony’s life.
“I don’t ask for much, you know?” Tony finally faced him. “I do everything you say, everything you want because…Because I thought that just having you in my life was enough to make me happy. I was wrong.” Gibbs swallowed again.
“Tony…”
“No.” Tony interrupted. “I don’t know why I ever try to talk to you. You don’t listen.”
“I do.”
“There’s a hell of a lot of what I’m saying that you don’t hear then. Maybe I was completely wrong. Maybe you’re not who I thought you were.” Tony looked devastated at the idea. “Maybe I’m not who you thought either.” He looked away, as though gathering his strength and then looked back at Gibbs. “You should just let me go.”
“I can’t.” Gibbs forced out.
“Why?” Tony asked, the pain obvious on his face now. “You don’t want me here. I don’t ask for much.” He repeated. “Just…Just some of your time. I never expected you to love me.” The tears he blinked rapidly away suggested otherwise. “But I thought maybe you respected me enough to…To listen to me. Not to just use me for whatever the hell it is that you get out of this relationship. To let me leave while I still have some dignity. I guess that time passed a long time ago though.” He added bitterly.
“I can’t.” Gibbs repeated. Tony was right, he didn’t ask for much from Gibbs and he got even less. He knew all Tony had ever wanted was for Gibbs to show him some kind of real affection, outside of the bedroom, but Tony would never understand how hard Gibbs found it to share that part of himself. He hadn’t made his heart available to anyone since Shannon, Tony had come closer than anyone else, any of his other wives or lovers, and that terrified Gibbs to his core, made him treat Tony badly in a way the younger man didn’t deserve. Tony was so loyal to Gibbs, always there, through the good times and the bad, mostly bad of course. Tony deserved better but Gibbs wasn’t sure he could let him go even if he wanted to. And he did not want to.
“Jesus. You’re so selfish.” Tony accused.
Gibbs knew he had a choice. He could either stop being such a coward and let Tony in, let him know how important he was, how some days Gibbs could only breathe because Tony was next to him….or he could lose him forever.
“What do you want?” He asked.
“What?” Tony had turned away to compose himself but now he rounded on Gibbs.
“What do you want?” Gibbs repeated carefully.
“I want to leave.”
“No, what do you want from me.” Gibbs corrected. “Tell me what I can do to try and fix what…what I’ve done to you.”
“I don’t know if you can.” Tony stared at him.
“I want to try.”
“Why?”
“Because I can’t let you leave.” Gibbs sighed, forcing himself to meet Tony’s eye. Part of him wanted to go, go back to his basement and sand the boat, but the larger part of him knew this was it. If Tony went out of that front door he wouldn’t be back and Gibbs would be counting the days until Tony’s resignation appeared on his desk. “I don’t want you to leave. So, tell me what I can do.”
“You can make it real.”
“It is real.”
“No it’s not!” Tony replied angrily. “No one knows, you barely acknowledge my existence half the time, at work you act like you can’t stand me…”
“That’s not true.” Gibbs interrupted. “You’re my senior agent. People know I respect you or you would have been gone a long time ago.”
“I don’t know that you respect me.” Tony faced him.
“Well I do.” Gibbs replied surely. “Happy now?”
“No.” Tony glared at him. “You think that’s all this is going to take? That I’m having a tantrum so if you give me some candy I’ll shut up?”
“I know it’s more than that.” Gibbs nodded. “You want us to tell people?” He asked.
“Not everyone. I’m not asking you to stand on the desk and shout it out. Just Abby, maybe McGee…Ducky.” The people whose opinions Tony cared about. Gibbs knew all three of them would have told Tony to leave him by now if they had known they were together, known it was Gibbs’ who was making Tony look so down trodden. That the reason Tony didn’t smile anymore was because if him. Maybe having their watchful eyes on him would ensure he treated Tony better in future.
“Ok.” He nodded. “We can tell them.”
“I want us to do things together.” Tony watched his reaction carefully. “Go for dinner, to games, to movies.” Do things that real couples did. Gibbs kept Tony cooped up at the house, forgetting how much Tony loved to spend time with people, see plays and movies…
“Fine.” Gibbs nodded.
“And…” Tony paused, clearly hating how needy he sounded. Gibbs wished he had the guts to spill his feelings the way Tony did. To make himself this vulnerable…he’d never have the courage.
“Go on.” He coaxed gently.
“You always find reasons not to put me first. I know that sometimes…”
“That stops.” Gibbs nodded, interrupting Tony. “Some things have to come first, at work. The rest of the time you should be my priority. It’s not that complicated.” Tony looked surprised. Then he looked at the floor and shook his head. Gibbs wanted to growl, hated seeing the younger man look so defeated and knowing that he made things this bad, made Tony feel this way.
“Come back into the living room, Tony.” Gibbs requested softly. He didn’t like standing here so close to the door. Tony nodded and followed Gibbs, blinking a little when they left the relative darkness of the hallway for the brightly lit room. Gibbs winced a little when he saw how tired Tony looked up close. His handsome features slightly marred by frown lines and the tight set of his jaw.
He’d always told his team not to apologise, that it was a sign of weakness but in this situation that was not correct. Knowing when to admit you were wrong…it wasn’t weak, it was strong and Gibbs was going to have to find that strength from somewhere or risk losing Tony for good.
“I’m sorry, Tony.” He began quietly. Tony looked at him, frowned and opened his mouth to speak but Gibbs held up a hand to stop him. As always, Tony followed his command. “Let me try to get this out?” He half asked, half pleased. Tony nodded, still frowning.
“I’m sorry that I’ve treated you so badly. I’m sorry that I made you feel like you don’t count, like you’re not a priority for me. That’s my fault, you deserved better and if you’ll give me the chance I’ll make it up to you. I can’t promise that I won’t let you down. That I won’t slip back to the way I’m used to being but if you tell me I’m doing it I’ll try to stop.” He swallowed thickly. This had to be enough because he didn’t have much more left to give. “I can’t promise that I won’t let you down.” He repeated. “I can’t promise that you wouldn’t be able to find someone who will treat you better than I have, but I can promise that you will never find someone who loves you half as much as I do.”
He watched as those words sank in, as Tony’s frown deepened and then relaxed a little. Watched as Tony’s hand came up to his face, almost in slow motion. He flinched a little, not sure if Tony was going to hit him, but the blow never came. Instead Tony touched his cheek and then looked at his fingers in open amazement. Gibbs looked at them too, surprised to see that they were wet. He couldn’t
remember the last time he had cried.
“I don’t have anything else to say. I can’t say sorry anymore, I can’t explain why I’ve been the way I have…I just…The only way things can change is if you give me a second chance. Or a third, or a fiftieth, whatever number I’m up to now.”
“You really are a bastard you know.” Tony sighed.
“I know.” Gibbs looked away. Tony was going to leave. Gibbs had bared his heart, given Tony everything, including his tears, and it hadn’t been enough.
“Just when I’m ready to give up on you, you change everything.” Tony stepped closer, his hand, shaking slightly, wiping away the tears on Gibbs’ face. “This doesn’t fix everything you know? You can’t just…say that and the last six months don’t matter.”
“I know.” Gibbs nodded. “I meant what I said before. We can tell people, we can do things together…and if I treat you like crap you have to tell me because I never want to make you feel like you don’t matter to me.” Gibbs caught Tony’s hand and held it tightly. “I love you.”
“You said that already.” Tony smiled, it was shaky but it was real and Gibbs wanted to kiss him. He just wasn’t sure he was allowed to. “I love you too, you complete bastard.” Tony took the decision away and kissed him. “I love you too.” He sighed against Gibbs’ lips.