SquidgeWorld Archive

No Going Back
by XFreak
x_freak@fastmail.fm

Naomi carried a cup of tea across the living room, handing it to the tall man in front of her. "It didn't surprise me to learn, Jim, that you had this gift. I always sensed a special energy about you."

Accepting the tea, he said, "You're very kind, Naomi. Thank you."

Casting worried glances between her son and his lover, she spoke her heart. "I'm just terribly sorry about how all this has turned out, especially when I see what's happened to the two of you. Listen to me. You cannot let being outed tear apart your relationship."

In a very hushed voice, raspy from too much emotion, Jim replied. "Things happen, Naomi, you know? People change. You've just got to go with it. This whole thing has just gotten out of hand. I-I can't take this attention. That's not me. I just want to go back to the way things were."

"You can't just turn it off," Blair commented quietly, the tone subdued.

His voice developing an edge, Jim turned toward his previously ignored lover. "Sure I can." Turning back to Naomi, he continued. "There's got to be some meditation you can give me or I can find somewhere to turn all this off. I-I'm just done with it."

"That's not who you are," the younger man said, watching his relationship crumble before his very eyes.

Jim angrily approached Blair with his hands out to his sides. "Well, you tell me who I am then. 'Cause I have no idea. At one point, I had a reputation of being a pretty decent cop. Now, people look at me and they-they perceive me as some goofball comic book character."

Sentinel soft, Blair uttered, "You're my husband."

Moving toward the coat rack, Jim stopped for only a fraction of a second, missing the miserable look that passed between mother and son. "People are calling my father and my brother, asking what it's like to live with the freak. Now, how would you like that, huh?"

Retrieving his coat, he stood by the door. "If I ever want to go back to being a good cop, and live a simple life, it ain't gonna happen this way."

"We knew it wouldn't be easy if this happened," Blair remarked, grasping at straws.

"Your research is done, Chief. Why don't you just let it go?"

Raising the hand holding the jacket, he directed one last comment at Naomi before exiting the loft. "Thanks for the tea."

Smiling wistfully at him, her expression changed to grief as she watched her son stand motionless with his eyes closed, the perpetual movement squashed right along with his heart.

"But I didn't think you'd just quit on me," Blair said, tucking his chin against his chest.

Setting the cup on a coaster, Naomi walked over to him, wrapping him tightly in her arms. "I'm so sorry, sweetie," she crooned, petting his hair.

"What am I going to do, mom?" He held onto her desperately, like a drowning man gasping for air. "He's given up on us."

Tilting her face back, she placed her palms on his cheeks, looking into tear brimmed eyes. "Jim is afraid right now. He's just reacting. When he gets back, it's your turn to talk. You do what you have to, make him listen. This is your life you're fighting for."

Wiping at his eyes and nose, he watched her walk toward the door. "Where are you going?"

Smiling at him with all the love in the world lighting her eyes, she said, "Honey, you know Jim won't feel comfortable talking about this if I'm here. You can't pull any punches with him. Let your hair down." With one last smile and a kiss blown his way, she closed the door behind her.

Reaching behind his head, Blair removed the tie holding his hair. Shaking his head to make it fall to his shoulders, he did just that.

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Three hours later, Jim returned to find Blair calmly sipping a cup of tea. Glancing around the loft, he asked, "Where's Naomi?"

"She left. She didn't think we could really talk with her hanging around."

"There's not really anything left to say, Chief," he commented, hanging his jacket up and tossing his keys into the basket.

"WRONG."

Startled at the outburst, Jim faced the other man just in time to see him rise from his chair, hurt and anger simmering behind the dark eyes.

"You might not have anything else to say, but I haven't even started yet. Brace yourself, because you are going to listen to me."

Jim leaned against the support beam with his arms crossed, simply waiting.

"All I've heard is Jim this and Jim that. Well, guess what. You're not the only one who's been outed here."

"I know that."

"Then, act like it! It would've been nice for you to ask or at the very least, pretend to be concerned about how this will affect my career. I might not work in a closed society, but there are narrow minded people everywhere."

"I'm sorry."

"I know that. You've just been so caught up in your own feelings that you never stopped to consider mine. And earlier, I stood right over there..." He pointed to his place when Jim walked out the door. "...and listened to you tell me to let it go because my research is done. Tell me you don't think that's why I'm still here."

Swiping a hand over his face, Jim said, "I don't know what you want me to say."

"My sentinel research has been done forever, man! I've written it, bound it myself, and locked the hard copy and the disk in a safety deposit box. We only told mom because we agreed that it wouldn't be fair to keep it from her. The sentinel research is not the dissertation I'll be turning in and we both know that."

Jim's eyes followed a piece of lint shifting minutely with the current of air his lover created.

"Don't we?"

Jim said nothing, unmoving.

"I don't believe this!" Blair stomped over to the window, hugging himself. "Just a few months after we met, I realized that I couldn't protect you. I went to my committee and asked for permission to change my topic. They were not happy about it, but they granted my request after I explained the seriousness of the situation."

Just then, the phone rang and Jim broke his statuesque stance to answer it.

"Ellison."

"Jimmy?"

"Dad, I really can't talk right now. I'll have to call you back later."

"Wait. Just give me two minutes. I have something I need to say to you."

"I'm listening," he sighed, preparing for the dressing down of his life.

"Jimmy, when you were a boy, I was more concerned about what people would think than what you were feeling or how I could have helped you. I made you hide who you are."

Jaw clenching, Jim squeezed the phone, oblivious to his lover studying him.

"I didn't realize until years later what a mistake I made."

"Yeah," Jim breathed.

"I just want you to know that whatever you do, whichever path you decide to follow in life, that I'm behind you."

Jim closed his eyes, breathing no longer an involuntary act. "Even if I'm gay?"

The older Ellison hesitated, then cleared his throat. "Yes. I realize now that what other people think isn't what's most important."

"What is, dad?"

"Telling you that you're my boy and I love you, no matter what. That's all I wanted to say, Jimmy. Goodbye."

"Bye, dad," he whispered, a solitary tear escaping to crawl down his cheek. The younger man took the phone from him before he dropped it, replacing it onto the base.

At the anguished noise, Blair regarded him, brow wrinkling. "Jim?"

The older man held up a hand, shaking his head.

Nodding, Blair walked back to the window and waited.

Finally, Jim pulled his jumbled emotions under control, saying, "That was my father."

The younger man leaned his shoulders against the balcony door. "I know. I heard you call him 'dad.' What did he say?"

"Something I've waited thirty-seven years to hear. He said..." Swallowing convulsively, Jim tried to shove the words through stubborn lips. "...that no matter what I decide to do..." Eyes sliding shut, he took several deep breaths. "...that he loves me and will stand behind me."

The last fragment came out so choked that Blair only heard it because he strained for it. Moving across the room, he eliminated the space between them, a journey as exhausting as crossing the Grand Canyon. Placing his hand on the back of Jim's head, he pulled it down onto his shoulder, holding the larger man as he finally let his emotions go.

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"If you want to leave this conversation until later, it's okay. Just promise me that we'll have it."

Rising from the couch, Jim shook his head. "No. I'm okay. Let's get this over with." He moved to stand in front of his lover, his expression neutral.

"Okay. What I was saying is that we've been outed. There's no going back, no hiding. Everybody knows that we're gay."

Jim's jaw twitched and fists clenched at the "G" word, his worst fear other than losing Blair realized.

"I know that we're bi, but that's not how the world sees us now. I refuse to let our marriage fall apart without a fight."

Nodding, an almost smile crossed Jim's mouth as if he expected no less.

"Even if you force me out of your life, it's not going to change anything. We'll just be miserable apart, instead of together."

Raising a gaze that he didn't remember lowering, Jim zeroed in on his lover's expressive face.

"I-I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Jim. I don't see how other people knowing changes what we feel in here." Curling his hand toward himself, he poked his fingers against his sternum.

"It doesn't, Chief," Jim answered, stepping forward to place a gentle kiss on his lover's forehead. Lifting the face, he ran a thumb across the full lower lip, leaning down to graze his lips across it.

Blair backed away, pressing a palm against Jim's chest when he moved to follow. "Don't try to avoid the issue."

"I'm not. I never meant for you to think I wanted a divorce."

"That's what you said. You told me to let it go. What it were you referring to, if not us?"

"Classic fear-based response. I was thinking about the media circus. You were pushing, telling me what I didn't want to hear, so I pushed back."

Blair jerked his head back, his mouth dropping open. "You told me that to shut me up?"

"No. I wasn't thinking about how it would affect you. I just said what I had to say to distance myself from the situation. I had no idea what was going on in your head."

Through gritted teeth, Blair finally loosened the reign on his anger, grabbing a fist full of Jim's shirt and pulling him down until they stood face to face. "Pay. More. Attention."

"Chief, I..."

"You hurt me. Don't threaten to end us instead of talking to me. You got that?"

"I'll do my best."

"Well, sometimes your best isn't good enough. Have you forgotten so quickly where pushing me away leaves us?"

"Damn you."

"What?" The younger man blinked, relaxing his grip.

"No, I have not forgotten. I don't think I'll EVER forget!"

Blair jumped at the vehemence in his lover's voice.

"You don't know what you're talking about. You have no idea what it was like standing there searching for your heartbeat, only to find deafening silence. My lungs forgot how to draw breath when the paramedics looked at me and said they were sorry. My fucking life was slipping away and it was MY FAULT! Is that what you want to hear? Huh?"

Wide eyed, the younger man stared, stunned at the emotion filled words.

His chest heaving, the veins in his neck standing out, Jim elaborated. "Do you know what it felt like to watch you die and be too late to save you? Some Blessed Protector I was. Not only did I not protect you, I handed you over to my enemy, dressed you up like a Thanksgiving turkey."

"Jim..."

"No, let me finish. I was devastated. I couldn't breathe, couldn't move, except toward you. I kept fighting Simon and the guys to get back down and give you more CPR, hoping against hope you'd hear me begging you to just take a breath."

Realizing that he was clutching Blair's shirt and shaking him, Jim straightened, massaging the back of his neck. "They were getting ready to put you in a body bag, a fucking body bag, Chief! Suddenly, I saw this vision of Incacha. He told me to use my spirit guide to bring you back."

"So, here I am, crouching over you like some headcase, running my hands all over your face, descending into the vision. I saw the wolf, you, and I was petrified that you would just turn your back on me and run away. I mean, I didn't deserve anything better. But then you ran toward me and our spirits merged."

Catching his breath, his voice growing hoarse, Jim forged on. "Then, when you coughed up the water and started breathing, I can't explain what I felt. It was almost like a religious experience. I was on such an endorphin rush that I felt like I'd just had the best sex of my entire life."

After his lover fell silent, Blair asked, "Why have I never heard all of this before?"

Shrugging, Jim turned his face to the side, cheeks burning. "I guess I tried to pretend it didn't happen. I didn't want to think about how close I came to losing you."

"That gets you nowhere."

"I know that. It just seems like ever since she came to town, it's been one thing after another. Things never really settled down enough to talk about it. As soon as one thing passed, something new got thrown at one or the other of us and it was just never the right time."

"Well, I'm glad you told me, but not that it happened like this. I never would've thrown it in your face if I'd known."

Sighing heavily, Jim pulled his life partner against him. "I know that. I guess we've both been time bombs for a while and getting outed made us blow."

Snickering against his lover's chest, Blair's shoulders shook, developing into a full throated laugh. "Oh, man. You did not just say blow!"

Grinning, Jim joined him, glad to release some of the tension of the past months. "Freudian slip?"

Backing away, Blair wiped his eyes. "Oh, man. I think we needed a good laugh."

His expression hopeful, Jim asked, "Forgive an old man?"

Blair nodded, his features growing serious. "Do not dangle our relationship in front of me. Don't use it as a weapon."

"I won't, Chief. I'm sorry. Still want to be my husband?"

Lifting his left index finger, he mischievously challenged, "Just try getting this ring off me."

"The same goes for the chain around my left ankle. I'll take it to the grave with me."

"No going back."

Smiling, Jim tenderly kissed his mate, pulling him into a bear hug as they broke apart. "No going back."

END

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