SquidgeWorld Archive

Fear
by XFreak
x_freak@fastmail.fm

Jim felt his patience slowly slipping away. His eyebrows drew closer together and his teeth clenched as he thought about the numerous evasions from his young friend over the past week. His partner had been having trouble sleeping. Every time he asked the younger man about it, he would either obfuscate or change the subject. When it came down to it, it really pissed him off that his friend didn't trust him enough to confide in him. Thinking that this had to stop, he got out of bed and descended the stairs.

When he arrived at the doorway to Sandburg's room, he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the doorjamb for a couple of minutes. He knew Sandburg was awake. The young man lay still on his side, but his heartbeat gave him away. Sighing deeply, Jim stepped into the room.

Stopping by the bed, he spoke at a normal volume. "Sandburg, we need to talk."

"Jim?" Feigning a sleepy expression, Blair raised his head and looked over his shoulder.

"Knock it off with the act, Sandburg. We both know you weren't asleep. Have you slept at all tonight?"

"Yeah, Jim. I haven't been awake very long. What are you doing up?" He rolled over onto his back, bracing himself on his elbows. The covers came up to just above his stomach, exposing his furry chest and strong shoulders.

Jim sat down on the edge of the bed with one leg lying on the bed and the other foot planted firmly on the ground. His arms remained crossed in front of his chest and the muscle in his jaw twitched. Not being blessed with sentinel eyesight, Blair couldn't see it and the other man's silence made him nervous. "I don't like being lied to, Chief."

"Jim, man, what are you talking about?"

"Well, even if your heart rate didn't just increase when you told me that you'd slept, I'd have known you were lying. I've been monitoring you all night and you haven't slept one minute."

"You've been--oh, man!" Blair flopped his head back down onto the pillow. He appeared to be trapped. One very pissed off sentinel sat inches away from him. "You've stayed awake all night just to check up on me?"

"As opposed to your staying awake all week, except for a few hours...yes, Chief, I have. Exactly how many hours of sleep did you get this week? And I'm warning you, Sandburg, don't lie to me again." That had the intended effect. His heart rate definitely spiked.

"Um...I guess somewhere between five and maybe eight?" His sincere tone won him brownie points with his best friend.

Some of the tension and anger coursing through Jim's muscles relaxed a bit. He dropped his arms to rest across his thighs. "Why can't you sleep?" Genuine concern characterized his voice.

"I'm fine, man. Just let it go. I'll deal with it."

"Like you dealt with it today at my desk? Sandburg, you fell asleep while you were grading exams. I practically had to beat Simon back with a stick to keep him from questioning you. And Taggert, he ordered me to get to the bottom of this and take care of you. Told me I shouldn't let you wear yourself out like this."

Blair smiled at the last comment. Ever since he had helped the large man through his fear with bombs, Blair could do no wrong in his sight. He had gotten pretty threatening once when a couple of uniforms were hassling the young man in the break room about using department resources. The "resources" they had been referring to were the two cups of coffee in his hands, one for him and one for Jim.

Blair tried looking up at the detective, but couldn't see him in the dark. He knew the concern and sincerity that were etched across his face. He'd seen the expression so many times that he could close his eyes and envision it there. "Jim, man, I appreciate your concern. I'll deal with it, okay?"

"Chief, you're being evasive again. Are you in some kind of trouble?"

Blair sighed. "No, Jim. It's nothing like what you're thinking. I know I have a tendency to get myself into trouble, but nobody's threatening me or anything like that. It's just something...else."

Growing tired of talking to the dark, Blair reached over and retrieved some matches from his nightstand drawer. Striking one, he lit the raspberry scented candle on the nightstand. It was one of the scents that Jim's nose could tolerate and not as bright as a lamp to his eyes. Looking back up at his friend, he saw the the older man's eyebrows furrow in exasperation as he wondered why the younger man wouldn't open up to him.

"I thought you trusted me." It was spoken very quietly. Jim had tried, but failed to hide the hurt lacing the words.

Blair's stomach did a flip-flop. Sitting up, he drew his covered legs up toward his body, wrapping his arms around them. He tried to ease the hurt that he'd heard in his partner's voice. "Jim, man, it's not like that." Jim gazed at him with cool blue eyes. "C'mon, Jim, you know I trust you. I trust you with my life, man!" The hands that had managed to stay still up to that point started to fly around.

"You've got a funny way of showing it, Chief. Normally, you barely stop talking long enough to take a breath." Blair rolled his eyes, but knew it to be true. "You've hardly spoken to me all week, except to respond to something I said. Have I done something?"

Frustrated, Blair ran his hands up through his hair, flopping his elbows onto his knees. Looking down at the bed in front of his feet, he spoke. "No, you haven't done anything, okay? I've got something I have to work through. I'm not even going to try to pretend that there's nothing wrong because pissing you off is so not my goal here. I'm not sure what to do about it. I haven't quite worked that part out yet."

"Okay. So what's more important than your life that you can't let me try to help you with it? Shit, Sandburg, at the very least you could use me as a sounding board just to get it off your chest."

Blair slowly let out a long breath. "It's not that simple. This thing will affect my whole life and that of someone else, too. I need to think it through."

"Correct me if I'm wrong here, Chief. You've been thinking it through all week long when you should've been sleeping. You've been burning the candle at both ends, trying to pretend that nothing's wrong. You've been going on with your obligations at the university. Instead of talking to me, you just pretended that there was nothing wrong and continued to work with me. It wasn't until yesterday that I noticed you looking like you may drop on your face at any moment."

Busted, Blair hung his head. He knew that there would be no finagling out of telling Jim what bothered him. The man could be too perceptive and persistent. Looking up, he noticed the concern and the barely contained patience in the tight features of his best friend's face. "Okay, Jim, you win. I'll tell you, but it's going to sound stupid to you. I swear, man, you're gonna laugh at me for being so upset about this." His jovial tone made it clear that he considered it ridiculous.

"I seriously doubt that, Chief."

Blair changed position to pretzel his legs. Then he folded his hands together, resting his forearms on his thighs. "What time is it, anyway?"

"You're stalling, but it's probably about 4:30. It was just after 4:00 when I came down here. Why?"

He shrugged, playing with the blanket with his right hand. "Just wondering. I'm getting kinda tired."

"You're exhausted. After you talk, maybe you'll be able to relax a little without the weight of the world on your shoulders."

Leave it to Jim to let him know there would be no getting out of this. "Okay. This is it in a nutshell. I'm thinking about changing the subject of my diss." He looked up at Jim expectantly.

"What?!" Jim seemed to be taking this more seriously than he'd thought he would, judging from the slack jaw and the disbelief evident in his eyes. Several emotions crossed the older man's countenance and then disappeared before he could figure out what they were.

Holding up his hands in a pacifying gesture, he continued. "Look, Jim. I've been thinking."

Jim smiled. "And this is supposed to surprise me, Chief? That brain of yours never quits. I'm surprised you sleep when nothing is bothering you."

Blair chuckled. "Okay. That's enough." Feeling a little better now that his partner had recovered control of his features, he continued. He knew that the panic still hovered under the surface-only repressed for the moment. "Who do I spend more time with than anybody else?"

Jim's features changed to the impatient puzzlement that he had seen many times before. "Me, Sandburg. Why?"

Blair's eyes lit up like they did when someone agreed with a point that he had made, inwardly amusing the older man. "Right! So if I write this diss on sentinels, citing specifically researching one in depth, how long will it be until someone dangerous puts two and two together?"

At Jim's blank expression, Blair continued. "We work together, we live together, and we're best friends, Jim. I don't spend enough time with anyone else to do the kind of research we're talking about here. It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to do a little digging into my background and find that out."

"Okay. I see your point. What will you write about? You've based your entire study on me."

Nodding and gesturing with his hands, eyes bright, he continued. "At first, I'll admit you were my research project on two feet. As I worked with you, though, something happened." Jim waited. "I lost my objectivity, man. I started to care about you. Your friendship and safety are more important to me than my career or my diss." Shaking his head and sending curls flying in every direction, he finished his point. "This is your life we're talking about! I simply can't put you at that kind of risk. I won't do it." He looked at Jim, eyes determined and mouth set in a stubborn line.

"So what will you write about, Chief?" Jim asked, repressing the fear that Sandburg would tell him that he would be moving out and moving on. He didn't want to think about what his life would be like if the kid left him.

"Well, I've been thinking a lot about that, Jim. You know that nonsense I've been throwing at everybody who asked what I was writing about? I think it may actually turn out to be true in the end. A lot of the research I've done can be used to write about closed societies. I've written a lot of stuff about how you interact with other people--cops and civilians."

"Like?"

Blair shook his head, dismissing it as unimportant. "Just stuff, Jim. That doesn't matter right now."

Jim still felt confused. What he'd heard about Sandburg caring about him made him feel warm inside, but it still didn't explain why the younger man had been too upset to sleep all week. "Chief, it may just be my sleep deprived brain, but I think I'm missing something here."

Blair turned his full attention to what Jim said. "Like what?"

Jim rubbed his chin, intent on his thoughts. "Well, you say that you're going to change the topic of your dissertation. And you seem to have figured out what you're going to change it to and how you're going to go about it." Blair nodded, hair caressing his shoulders. "So...I guess I just don't understand what's got you upset since you know what's going to happen now."

The brightness immediately drained from Blair's eyes. He gazed down at the bedspread again, looking afraid to breathe. "No, not exactly, Jim. I said that I have my new subject in mind. I did not, however, say that I knew what was going to happen."

Blair's tone sounded hopeless. Before he'd had a chance to think about them, the larger man's words tumbled from his mouth. "Chief, talk to me. You sound so...I don't know. Desperate, maybe?" Jim gestured with his hands to emphasize his point.

"Well, it's like this." He looked into Jim's eyes, wanting to see the reaction to his words. "Since I won't be studying you for the sentinel project, I'm not sure that you'll want me around. Maybe you don't need me anymore."

At first Jim's face registered shock, then the blue eyes developed a fiery glow. He bolted upright, his large frame looming over the bed. "That is such BULLSHIT, Chief, and you know it!" Before Blair knew what had happened, he found himself hefted up into the face of a very angry sentinel. The blankets that had been covering him fell away. "What kind of prick do you think I am? You're my best friend, Chief! Just because you're not going to write about me doesn't mean I can't use your help. I may not need you, but I would still want you around. And it's debatable whether or not I need you."

Blair leaned his head forward, resting it on Jim's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Jim. I so didn't mean to make you mad. I don't think you're a prick. I was just afraid to ask--afraid of what you'd say. I try not to ask questions when I don't know if I'm prepared for the answers." His voice sounded so little that only someone with Jim's enhanced hearing would've heard it.

Jim wrapped his arms around him and hugged him, setting him down on the ground without breaking the embrace. Ruffling Blair's hair, he decided to be completely honest. Blair had been with him. Well, with some prodding, anyway. "It's okay, Chief. Truth is...when you told me you were changing the subject of your dissertation, I was afraid that you were holding back telling me that you were going to move on. That didn't make me happy." His voice wavered on the last sentence.

Blair's head snapped up. "Jim? Man, I wouldn't just bail on you! God, you must think I'm a little shit or something."

The detective smiled, fighting the urge to caress the younger man's hair and plant a kiss on top of that brilliant head. "Or something, Chief. Although, I must admit you can be pretty mischievous when you want to be." Blair smiled a "guilty as charged" smile, then laid his forehead back on Jim's shoulder. Jim rested his chin on the back of Blair's head, absorbing his guide's scent. "Tell me something, Sandburg." He took the grunt coming from his shoulder as a signal to ask. "Why are you naked? You're always cold."

Jumping back, Blair looked down at himself. "Oh, God!" His cheeks glowed in the candlelight. In a flash, he dove for the bed and scrambled under the blankets, causing the flame to dance and flicker. Jim walked over and sat down in his earlier position. Blair lay on his side with his back to him. The older man gave him a few minutes to let the embarrassment fade.

Finally, he broke the silence. "Well, are you going to answer me? Or are you mad at me for embarrassing you?"

Not moving, Blair answered him. "It's stupid."

In a patient voice, Jim said, "That's what you said earlier about what was bothering you and that was clearly not stupid." He reached over and put a hand on Blair's shoulder for comfort. The young man jumped, but didn't pull away.

He rolled over onto his back, a faint blush still covering his cheeks. When his eyes met Jim's, it returned almost full force until he looked away. Jim waited patiently, glancing away to spare the kid any more embarrassment than he already felt.

Blair inhaled deeply, slowly releasing the breath from his lungs. "I was feeling lonely." He looked at Jim as if that statement should explain everything.

Not wanting to make Blair feel foolish, Jim weighed his words carefully. "How could you be lonely, Sandburg? You attract just about everything of the female persuasion."

Looking at his lap, Blair shook his head slightly. "That's all empty, man. I date a girl once or twice and that's it. It gets old, quick." The sadness in his voice threatened to break the older man's heart.

"I understand that. Does being in bed naked make you feel less lonely? Is that what you're trying to say?"

Blair shook his head a little more fervently this time. Curls bounced, but didn't fly. "No. I was kind of pretending, I guess." He sighed. "When I have a steady lover, however rare that may be, I sleep naked. I'm a snuggler." He shrugged, not looking up.

Jim swallowed the lump in his throat before asking his next question. "Were you thinking of anyone in particular that you may have feelings for when you were feeling lonely?"

Blair didn't move. After a long moment, he started twirling some fuzz balls on the blanket between his thumb and forefinger. "Yeah." His voice barely sounded above a whisper.

"Does she know?" His voice sounded steadier than his heart felt.

Gazing into Jim's eyes, Blair's forehead wrinkled as he tried to gauge something. After breaking eye contact, he said, "He."

"What?" Jim's brow furrowed in confusion.

"It's a he, Jim. Does that bother you?"

He almost forgot how to breathe. "Why should it? Your personal life is your business." At Blair's minute nod, he forged ahead. "So, have you told him?"

Blair's laugh sounded almost like a cough. "No, man. I'm not looking to die just yet." Smiling without humor, he continued. "I don't think he'd be very open to another guy coming on to him."

His head swimming, Jim wanted to kill whoever it was. "He might surprise you, Chief. Hell, if it was me, I'd want to know." As Blair's head shot up, he realized what he'd said. Blushing, he raised a hand in a defensive gesture. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. We were talking about you."

Still sitting with his mouth gaping open, Blair finally shook his head to clear the haze from his brain. "You, Jim? I...I...I mean you'd really want to know?"

Blushing again, Jim nodded. Blair beamed. "Well, guess what, Jim?" He looked into the smaller man's eyes, catching his breath in his throat. "It's you."

"What?" Jim's jaw dropped open as he stared at his partner in stunned silence.

Blair found his shy reaction quite endearing. "I said that you are the man I have feelings for. You said you'd want to know." Suddenly, he feared that Jim would just want to know out of curiosity. After all, he was the picture of a straight-laced SuperCop, if ever he'd seen one.

Through his stunned haze, Jim watched as his partner's beaming smile crumbled into hopeless defeat and his eyes dulled as if a power switch had been turned off. He didn't understand what had happened. "Blair, what's wrong?"

Trying hard to keep his throat from closing, he answered. "I think I misunderstood what you meant. I didn't realize that you meant that you'd just be curious." That choked laugh again. "I actually fooled myself into thinking that you might be interested in me there for a minute. I'm sorry. I'll pack my stuff and go if you want me to."

Shaking his head, he couldn't seem to find the ability to form any words. After what seemed to Blair like an eternity, he recovered. "Why would I want you to leave?"

Blair sat up straight, his posture defensive. "Well, Jim, I just admitted that I'm thinking of you in a very unpartnerlike manner. I wouldn't blame you."

It finally hit Jim that he hadn't told the kid how he felt. He was usually so observant that he knew what Jim was thinking almost before he did. "Sandburg, look at me." Miserable blue eyes turned up to meet with his own. "I'm not good at this talking about my feelings crap. I'm just going to say it and if you make fun of me, you're dead." The slight curve of his lips eased the serious tone of his voice. "I...I...that is...shit! Do you understand?" His bewildered expression let it be known that he didn't. Taking a deep breath, Jim tried again. "I... have feelings for you, too, Chief." The words after the pause were spoken so rapidly that it took a moment for them to sink in.

Beaming once again, Blair practically bounced in the bed. "Y-you do?" His brow furrowed, head tilting slightly to the side. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You're talking to Mr. Repression. How was I supposed to tell my" (He counted each name on his fingers.) "best friend, guide, and partner that I'm in lo...ahem, that I have feelings for him?"

The revelation stunned Blair. "You're in love with me?" He definitely bounced this time.

Jim blushed. "I didn't exactly say that, Sandburg."

Feeling confident, Blair reached over and pulled Jim to him for their first kiss. It was soft and sweet, not urgent. They conveyed their emotions to each other through it. The heat branding Jim's tongue surprised him. Somehow, he'd expected his guide's mouth to be cool, much like a breeze on an autumn morning. After breaking the kiss, Blair softly said, "You almost said it. Tell me now if you didn't mean it."

Jim inhaled Blair's scent. Running his fingers through his hair, he rested his head on the smaller man's shoulder so that he could kiss his neck. Raising his head so that he could look into Blair's eyes, he continued to weave his fingers through the hair at the base of his guide's neck. "I meant it, Chief. I've meant it for a very long time." He drove his point home with another soft kiss. When the kiss broke, he leaned his forehead against the younger man's, sighing contentedly.

Blair's heart thundered in his chest. He couldn't believe this. All this time he'd been pining for this man and it had been mutual. Weeks and months of hiding his attraction from his partner for nothing! An entire week of agonizing over trying to figure out whether Jim would tell him to hit the road since he wasn't going to study him anymore-at least not officially. He still wanted to help him. Although he understood Jim's reaction, his fear of losing the man completely had been very real.

"Well, I've gotta tell you, you are like such a master at hiding it. I had no clue. None. As a matter of fact, I thought I'd slipped on a couple of occasions and clued you in. I waited for you to beat my butt, but it never happened."

Jim released Blair and turned to sit next to him. He lifted the covers, awaiting permission from the other man. At Blair's nod, he crawled under and sat shoulder to shoulder with him. On top of the blanket, he laid his hand on his own thigh, palm-up. Blair looked up at him for a moment, then placed his hand in Jim's, interlacing their fingers. Hearing his partner's rapid heartbeat almost worried Jim, but he knew the rush of mutual attraction. "I was probably too busy trying to keep you from finding out how I felt." He shrugged.

Blair nodded as his eyelids started to droop. "So, are we going to, like, do the relationship thing?" He gazed up at Jim, waiting for an answer.

"It's all or nothing, Sandburg. You know how I am about relationships. I don't like casual. It doesn't fit. I like commitment."

"That's what I figured. And what I'd hoped for. I was hoping you wouldn't think I couldn't commit just because I hadn't found the right person yet." His voice sounded very drowsy. Jim decided not to share the fact that he'd had his doubts, but didn't really know how to ask.

The older man scooted down in the bed and Blair followed. Turning over onto his side, he looked at Jim shyly. "What is it, Chief?"

Blair blushed. "Um...can I lay my head on your shoulder?" He shrugged. "I'm a snuggler."

Jim held out his arm for Blair to crawl into the space between it and his body, which he did after blowing out the candle. "Anytime, Chief." After Blair laid his head down and curled his arm around Jim's waist, the older man stroked his hair.

After a long while, Jim thought his partner had fallen asleep. When the other man spoke, it startled him. "Jim?"

"Hmmm?"

"Don't ever call me table-leg again. That hurt me."

Wrapping both arms around his guide, he hugged him closer. "Never again, Chief. I'm sorry I hurt you. I was only jealous."

"I know."

Blair let go of the fear he'd been holding onto for far too long as he drifted off to sleep. With Jim by his side, he could do anything.

END