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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-05
Words:
4,326
Chapters:
1/1
Kudos:
11
Hits:
855

Subconscious

Summary:

RATING: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Oz/Willow, Xander/Willow, Anya
DISTRIBUTION: Yep, just keep my name on it please!
DISCLAIMER: Our friend Joss. Not me. I could only wish.
CLASSIFICATION: Oz POV
SPOILERS: References to Lovers Walk and Doppelgangland. It's set between season 3 & 4.
FEEBACK: Okay. If you want to.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This idea has been numbing my brain since I saw Doppelgangland. Frodie, Spikette and my fellow BPHS Slayerettes - this is for you! You guys'd better like this!
Submitted through the 'YG deleted' Blurring_The_Lines mailing list.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

Subconscious
by OzFlava
hansonites@hotmail.com  

 

I knew subconciously that I'd been here before. It was like deja vu, but stronger. Thoughts and feelings were fluttering around my head, making me feel as if it were overcrowded and overworked. I ran a hand through my spiky newly-black hair, knowing, strangely enough, that I'd see Willow around the next corner, her fluffy pink jumper standing out in the crowd, compared to all the muted tones everyone else was wearing. I wondered if it was just me - was everyone else dressed just as brightly, and I couldn't see them because I was so focused on Willow? I didn't know.

As I reached Willow, I pulled her into my embrace without a second thought - or even a first thought really.

"I have an overpowering urge to hug you, it's like I have no will of my own." The words slipped out of my mouth before I even realised I'd said it. As I hugged Willow, I discovered the tingling sensation I felt whenever I held her, spoke to her, was near her, wasn't there. Instead, her touch made my skin crawl, and I stiffened, shrugging out of her embrace....

Even as I opened my eyes, I felt the uneasiness I'd felt in my dream. Guilt coursed through my body at the suggestion of, well, no longer liking Willow. I could clearly remember that day in the hall - about three months ago, just before Willow's alter-ego vampire self returned to Sunnydale. But I hadn't felt badly about Willow then - I'd been ecstatic and eager to see her. Swinging my legs off the side of my bed, I clutched the bedside table. Watching my hand, my gaze travelled to the framed picture on the table. It was my favourite of Willow and I, taken at the pier. Staring at the picture, my gaze hardened and I felt myself anger. It was the weekend before Cordelia and I caught Willow and Xander. Since then, after Willow and I made up, I'd felt no anger, or bitterness towards the event. Thinking about it now, it seemed weird I'd never really gotten angry. For granted, I'm not the type of guy who'll run screaming his emotions, like Xander, but I realised I'd never even FELT anger. It suddenly occured to me that I wanted to beat the living crap out of Xander, and feed Willow to Spike and Dru for dinner. I shook my head viciously, trying to get rid of my thoughts. I never thought like this - well, maybe I did when I was a werewolf, but I can never remember much from that. The anger and pain of the betrayal by my girlfriend finally hit me, and I knocked the framed picture off the table; the glass smashing into a million tiny crystal-like pieces. I stopped, shocked at my thoughts and outburst.

"What is wrong with me?" I said to myself. I trudged through to my bathroom, and looked at myself in the mirror. Nothing seemed different - for granted, in my dream my hair had been black, and I'd dyed it back to red last week - but other than that I was just normal old Oz.

All I wanted to do was go back to bed and sleep. But I couldn't. I grabbed a shirt, pulled it over my head and left my home headed for Giles'. The wise watcher could maybe help me to understand my dream and sudden anger.

I'd barely reached the end of my street when I saw Willow. She was walking carelessly on the foot path, a dreamy smile on her beautiful face. I waited for the usual shiver to make it's was down my spine, but it never came. Instead, I had to fight back the urge to change gears, swing the car and hit her. I laughed at myself nervously, not really able to comprehend what I was thinking.

She suddenly focused, and saw my car. "Oz!" She called.

I could hear the love in her voice, but all it did was set my teeth on edge.

"Oz! Wait up!"

I looked around nonchalantly and pretended I didn't hear her. Then I stepped on the gas, alone with my confused thoughts and headed for Giles'.

 

Part 2

RATING: PG-13 Some bad words.
DISTRIBUTION: As long as you keep my name on it, please!
DISCLAIMER: It's all Joss Whedon's! BtVS is his!
SPOILERS: References to Lover's Walk and Doppelgangland
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Obviously I don't like Willow and Oz together. Oh well, sue
me. This is for the 'Bongo Boreanaz' and 'Sex in a Bleach Bottle Spike' fans
in the BPHS Slayerettes. You all kick ass!

I took the keys out of the ignition of my car, and climbed out. I lent against the bonnet and looked around me. I couldn't go to Giles'. I didn't know why, but I didn't think Giles could help me. So I'd gone somewhere else, somewhere out of the way. I didn't know what this place was called. All I knew was that it was a slight rise just outside of Sunnydale. From here, I could see the whole surrounding area - the view was incredible. I came here sometimes to think, or if I've left band practise and Devon's really been pissing me off. I though now was an ideal time to come here.

It wasn't often I had thoughts like this - and they'd NEVER been about Willow. But just the thought of her name literally made my blood boil. Anger was a reckless emotion. Bitterness was just as bad. My imagination got the better of me, and I began to see Willow and Xander again, in the basement, all over each other. I willed the image to go, but it was only replaced by the thought that Xander and I'd been in the same places at different times with her. "Ew!" I shuddered with that thought, and subconsciously wiped my mouth.

It was confusing me more and more. Why, months and months later, was I finally having some negative thoughts of that incident? I'd thought about that night before, but it had always been as 'oh well, the past is past'. But, now, it scared me. The hate and anger finally consumed me, and I flew into a rage, belting into my car, ignoring the pain and blood coursing through open cuts to my fist. I imagined the car was Xander, Willow, Spike - anyone who'd crossed my path the last two years and had managed to piss me off, one way or another.

The sound of a passing car stopped me, and I calmed down, wiping the blood from my hands with my shirt. I climbed in the drivers seat and flicked on the radio. Some soppy song came on, and I remembered Willow had used my car last, just yesterday. I quickly turned the radio off and started the ignition.

The thought came to me unbidden, unwanted. I turned the ignition back off as the idea set in. Willow was a witch. She'd performed spells before - binding spells, playful spells - she'd even restored Angel's soul. She could do love spells....the realisation hit me, and although I knew it couldn't be true, it seemed believable. Could Willow have cast a spell over me to forget about her and Xander, and it didn't work properly? I wasn't sure, but I had to find out. At the moment though, I really had no-one to turn to. Buffy was Willow's best friend - if she knew anything, she wouldn't tell. Xander wasn't due back from his road trip for a couple of days - like I'd want to see him anyway. Willow was out of the picture - it was her I was scrutinising. And I couldn't see Giles, I realised. He'd known Willow longer than he'd known me, and although we had a good rapport, he'd still up for Will.

I started the ignition again, and flew back through Sunnydale, ignoring the speed limit. There were worse things to fear in Sunnydale than just a speeding ticket. I pulled to a halt outside the house of the only person I knew who could help in some way. I knocked on the front door and waited impatiently till it opened.

"Anya," I said simply, "I need your help."

 

CHAPTER END NOTE: Anya's cool - I had to include her!! I dunno - I'm thinking this is kinda dodgy - Oh, like I care!

 

 

Part 3

RATING: PG-13 bad words
DISTRIBUTION: Yeppers, just tell me where.
DISCLAIMER: Yay! Go Joss Whedon!
SPOILERS: Refs to Lover's Walk & Doppelgangland - you should have the idea by now.
FEEDBACK: Yeah. I'm up to part 4, should I continue?
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Hey, guess who this is dedicated to?! Go you Slayerettes! (Kelly luvs you, Mim! Ha ha!) Hey - who loves Devon? This is all Doppelgangland's fault.
______________________________

"I'm finding this situation kinda strange." Anya looked at me, eyeing the blood on my shirt, as I finished telling her the morning's events.

"You are? You're not the one living it," I replied.

She nodded understandably. "Right. So let me get this straight," Anya started, "You think Willow's playing with the wrong kind of magic just because of a dream?"

I could hear the doubt in her voice, her lilting tone making me think she was mocking me.

"Yes," my own tone was impatient. "Really, you think people from Sunnydale of all places would understand these unrealistic parts of life. I mean, not every town has a slayer and is the Hellmouth."

"I know, but..."

"But what? You're, what, 1120 years old? You'd have to have some idea how to find out."

"Look, don't bring the age into it. God, I can already see wrinkles and I've only been mortal for over a year." Anya looked at herself in the mirror, but looked away quickly. "And you know I've never spent much time with normal Willow...."

I sighed and looked at her pleadingly. "Please. Is there no way you could help me?" I could see the indecision on her face as she considered helping me.

"Okay. I'm not a witch of any sort, and I know I shouldn't dabble since the fiasco with Evil Willow," Anya laughed softly, then composed herself.

"Sorry. Anyway, I know a little, so I could find out what happened by going back in mentally."

"Really? Have you done it before?" I looked at her hopefully.

"Um, yeah. When I returned, after the ascension, I went back in, erm, Xander, to find out what happened." Anya screwed up her nose. "Ew. Scary."

"Good, good. So what do I need to do?" I was hoping it was easy, like closing my eyes, crossing my legs and saying 'abracadabra'. But this was Sunnydale - nothing was ever easy here.

"Well, I'll need Willow's most prized possession, and the belonging of hers that possesses the most magic, or aura."

I bit my lip. I loved Willow, well at least I though I did, but her witchcraft was her life, not mine, and I left it alone. "Truthfully, Anya, I'm not sure what they are. I mean, the witch stuff is hers and hers alone - "

Anya raised a hand to stop me. "It's cool, Oz, You don't have to explain yourself. We'll just go to her house. If I concentrate enough, the objects will stand out."

"Right. Let's go. The sooner I find out what's going on, the better."

I stopped the van in front of Willow's house - I hoped she was still out. I didn't particularly want to explain why Anya and I were here, and I'd probably say something irrational.

"How're we getting in?" Anya asked, her voice soft.

"Bedroom window," I opted. She wasn't home - if she was, she'd have flown out the front door by now. It was almost like Willow could sense me. "But you go. I don't want to go up there. It's round the back, window's on the right."

Anya nodded, and went around to Willow's backyard. I couldn't even bare to look at her house, so I got back in my van and looked the other way. Anya was only gone five minutes, and handed me the items as she got in the van. "Recognise these?" She asked quietly.

I nodded sadly. They were the 160-year old witch book Giles had given her, and the Pez. The Witch Pez. My Pez.

"Shit, I should have known," I muttered. This was gonna be a long day.

 

 

Part 4

RATING: PG-13
DISTRIBUTION: Just tell me where.
DISCLAIMER: It's all been done, woo-hoo-hoo! By Joss Whedon, woo-hoo-hoo!
SPOILERS: See parts 1,2 and 3.
FEEDBACK: Sure, all is welcome.
AUTHORS NOTES: I though 4 would be it, but I don't think it will be. This is for the typical bunch, plus the Barenaked Ladies. Woo-hoo-hoo!
______________________________

The Pez. It had to be that damn Pez. Really, it was a great way to twist the knife that felt like it had implanted itself in my heart. Bring up old memories that dump themselves over your head like a cold bucket of water. "Damn you Willow," I cursed, hitting my bruised fist on the dashboard. A flicker of pain spasmed through my hand, but I barely noticed it.

Anya rested a hand on my shoulder, her eyes sympathetic. "Come on, Oz. We can't stay here all day. If you wanna know what's going on, we have to go," her voice was soothing, and I agreed, starting the engine.

"Cool. Let's go to your place, though. Too much negative energy at mine," I replied.

She nodded and took the Pez and book off me.

I glanced at the Pez as I pulled away from the curb, aware of the memories that candy holder was bringing back. "Y'know, that Pez was inexpensive - it was an impulse gift. But it meant the world when I gave it to her..." I trailed off sadly.

"Obviously, it still does." Anya's reply was soft, almost inaudible.

"Yeah, right." That made me think. I really must mean a lot to Willow. Despite the feeling of bitterness I had towards Willow, I felt a glimmer of forgiveness, a glimmer of hope that everything would be alright.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Can I do anything?" I stood in the doorway of Anya's living room, watching her finish setting up what she needed to. "Stand in the hallway until I'm finished," she ordered. I shrugged and moved out in the hall.

Two days ago I'd been content. I had Willow, I was going to a great university soon and all my friends and I had survived every possible death threat imaginable. Now, my relationship with Willow was on the verge of collapsing, and I had no idea why. I wandered into Anya's kitchen to keep myself occupied - alone with my thoughts was not a fun place to be. I idly flipped through her wall calendar, noting the full moon was in four days.

I hated full moons. I felt they hated me too. We had an unspoken agreement to wreak havoc, and perpetually cause problems to each other. Lycantropy was not a great thing to live with. And Devon was beginning to suss out that something was going on. Not everybody has to cancel a gig or a practise the three days around every full moon. And I could never really explain it to him. What would I say? 'Hey man, I can't play. I'm going to turn into a werewolf and I'll probably eat you for dinner.' Somehow I don't think that'd make a good impression.

I heard footsteps behind me, and I turned to see Anya, her face pale. "What? What is it?" I felt a knot tighten in my stomach.

"Um, are you sure you want to know?"

"YES! That was the whole point!"

Anya sat down at the kitchen table. "Okay. So I managed to go back to the day after Willow and Xander's so-called, erm, 'incident'. At that time Willow was in her room, performing a spell..."

"A love spell?" I swallowed the large lump that had lodged in my throat.

"Yes. It seems your suspicions were right. It was on you. To make you forgive her for her infidelities, and not be bitter, and to still love her."

"But - but, if she did that, then why am I feeling the way I am?"

"Well, I think that maybe it wasn't a permanent spell, and Willow thought by the time it wore off, you wouldn't be angry towards the situation." Anya's face was a mixture of disbelief, disgust and pity.

"She thought wrong, didn't she?" I was relieved to know the truth, but I felt repulsed knowing the situation was worse that I thought. "Well, I'll need to talk to her. I need to set things straight." I stood, and made my way to the front door, Anya close behind.

"Will you be okay? Want me to come?" She asked.

I was thankful for the offer, but I had to do this on my own. "Nope, I'll be okay. But I'll be back later. Trust me." I got in my van and headed for the only place Willow could be - my house.

 

 

Part 5

RATING: PG-13
DISTRIBUTION: Just tell me where.
DISCLAIMER: Joss. Not me. Not you. Just Joss.
SPOILERS: See parts 1,2, 3 and 4.
FEEDBACK: Yeah if you want to.
AUTHORS NOTES: It's getting there. Slowly but surely. For the Slayerettes and our honorary members. Remember...AUGH! NO! IT'S THE PROM!!
______________________________

She was exactly where I knew she'd be. On the lawn, in front of my place. Her eyes lit up as my van pulled up, and she flew towards it, leaning in my open window and planting a soft kiss on my cheek.

"Hey." She smiled.

I shot her a look and opened the door. "We need to talk," I stated bluntly.

Willow giggled nervously and followed me into my home. "Sounds serious, Oz."

"Yeah, it is." I turned to her, feeling my anger dissipate as I looked at her. She looked so beautiful, innocent, wide-eyed. Then I remembered those eyes, that face, had cast a spell on me. I felt the anger course through my veins and I struggled to keep my clenched fists to my sides.

"Why'd you cast a spell on me?" I blurted. I winced at the bitterness in my voice. I could tell I was making it hard for her, but her feelings would be nothing compared to my hurt and anger.

"I, but - what...how did..." She could barely put together a coherent sentence, and I couldn't blame her, so I decided to make it quick.

"Right, so I woke up this morning, and I thought 'man I hate Willow. And Xander...well, snapping his neck wouldn't do him justice.' Of course, I'm confused. Why am I feeling like this? I'd turned into Mr In-Touch-With-My-Emotional-Side. And then I had this serious flashbacks to the moment of betrayal. That's the bottom line of my story - what's yours?" I looked at her face, now drawn and pale.

"How did you find out?" Her voice was barely a whisper.

"I was suspicious. Went to see Anya. She did some back-in-time mentally thing. Saw you perform the spell. Told me," I said simply.

"I-I, um...I guess I don't have much to say, but...oh, god, Oz, I felt so guilty, and I wanted you to forgive me, stay with me! You're the most important person to me in the world. You'll never know how much I love you! I did it because I knew you wouldn't forgive me! I'm so, so sorry! I'll do anything..." Her voice trailed off, her green eyes red-rimmed, tears streaming continuously down her cheeks.

I fought the urge to pull her into my arms.

"How did you know I wouldn't forgive you?! It's me, Oz! How come you always have to shove this damn magic into everything?!" I felt bad but I couldn't help it.

"I'm sorry! I'll do anything to fix it..."

I cut her off, an idea forming in my mind. "Okay. I know, despite this spell, that I did love you. You shouldn't have sped up the process, though. So we're changing it, going back. You're not doing that spell. We'll let nature take it's course." I knew it was the only thing we could do.

"But, but...won't it change everything?"

"Maybe a little. Not too much though."

"How do you know?" Her voice was hindered by hiccups, and I smiled.

"Well, I've never been able to stay mad at you long." I walked out of my house and gestured her to follow. "C'mon. We're going to Anya's."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anya was not surprised by the request. After we arrived, she'd shot Willow many blazing glares, but I ignored them. "So you want to go back to the morning after?" Anya asked.

"Yep. I'd, well, wanted to go see Willow, but I didn't, and left it until the Monday at school. So I figure if I go back, and see her the next morning, she won't do the spell."

"But-but, won't it change the whole day? Will I still go see Buffy in the afternoon?" Willow was confused, worried.

I could tell by her voice. "Yeah. Only the spell will change. You didn't tell Buffy you did the spell, so I don't think you'll tell her I visited you," I reasoned.

She nodded. "Okay. Let's do it."

Anya held up her hand. "Hang on. Will it change everything else?" Her brow was furrowed with scepticism.

I sighed. "No. You'll still meet Xander, the Earth'll still be round. It could change a bit of the past, but not too much. And today will never have happened."

Anya agreed silently and we sat down, Willow, Anya and I linked hands. This'd better be worth it, I thought, as I lifted from my body and moved into a realm I'd never been before, to fix Willow's mistake, and make things the way they should be.

 

 

Part 6

RATING: PG-13
DISTRIBUTION: Just tell me where.
DISCLAIMER: Joss. Not me. Not you. Just Joss.
SPOILERS: See parts 1,2, 3, 4 and 5
FEEDBACK: Yeah if you want to.
AUTHORS NOTES: It's finished! Yay!! This is for, of course (roll call!)
Frodie, Spikette, Luddie, Mim and Rozwell (ha ha); the Slayerettes. But
especially for Mr Oz himself, Seth. My inspiration. You go Seth! Wohoo!
______________________________

It was almost like travelling the ghost roads again. I was in a blank place, devoid of colour. I felt lightweight, and realised, even with my eyes closed, that I was floating. It didn't last long. I felt myself fall with a thud to my bedroom floor, thinking the noise would alert me, the real me, who was strumming my guitar. I realised that I couldn't see me - I was like a ghost, a spirit, who had to jump inside the real me to change my mind. I glided over to myself, and taking a quick look at my face, which was lined with hurt and unhappiness, shifted so I could think inside the real me.

None of the typical, expected body convulsing or eye-bulging occured. No B-grade movie effects were gonna make an appearance here. I had a job to do and I had to do it quickly.

"Go see Willow. Sort it out," I said to myself, "see if she's okay. Do it!" At first I just sat there, refusing to budge. "Go do it, Oz! Do it! Go see her!" I got more impatient, and my voice became urgent, forceful. I stood resolutely, and grabbing my keys, walked out the door. I slipped back out of my body, my job done. I smiled and wished the real me good luck.

Then everything went black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oz! What are you doing here!?" Willow's voice was surprised, but I could hear the hoarseness from her crying.

I pulled myself the rest of the way through her window. I dusted off my pants and looked at her. "I just came to see if you were okay."

She smiled softly, hope glinting in her eyes. "I'm...I've been better."

"Yeah, so have I." I looked around her room and noticed the oils, the feathers, incense, books...."What are you doing?"

Willow blushed and looked away. "Nothing."

"What are you doing?" I asked again.

Her voice was soft, but I caught what she said - "A spell."

"What kind of spell?" My words let off a flood of words from Willow.

"Love. For you. To forgive me for yesterday...and to still love me..." She trailed off, ashamed.

I looked at her, full of pity, hurt, but most of all, hope. "Oh Willow, don't do that. Cause...okay, I'm still pissed off, and I can't forgive you yet...but I know I do still love you, deep down," I replied.

She began to cry and I watched her, not moving. "Just don't do it Will, let nature take it's course." I reached over to her and wiped tears from her cheek. She looked at me, pleading with me. "I'm hurt Will, but I'll get over it. Just...time would be good." Willow nodded, and I left her room, via the window once again. Then I went home and played my guitar.

I woke up, the suns rays warming my body from the open window. I remembered that day clearly. I'd been so undecided that morning, to see Willow or not, but I'd been thankful I did go. It'd been strange - it was like a force was telling me to go. The most important thing was, that set Will and I on the road to recovery. I'd stopped her from doing a stupid spell, and a few days later, Willow and I sorted things out at school. I was content. I had Willow, I was going to a great university soon, and my friends and I had survived every death threat imaginable.

Who knows what could've happened if Willow performed that spell.

 

end

Notes:

This orphaned work was originally on Pejas WWOMB posted by author OzFlava.
If this work is yours and you would like to reclaim ownership, you can click on the Technical Support and Feedback link at the bottom fo the page.