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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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2020-11-05
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Questions Before You Go

Summary:

RATING: PG
CLASSIFICATION: Former Xander/Cordelia, future-fic. Cordelia POV.
SUMMARY: Before Cordelia moves on completely, there's one more person to say good-bye to...
SPOILERS: Takes place after "You're Welcome."
DISTRIBUTION: Any sites with my fic up; you all have unspoken permission. I write it, you can post it. Everyone else just keep my name on it and let me know.
DISCLAIMER: If you don't recognize it, chances are it's my own creation. If you do, I don't own it. Joss Whedon, Kazui Sandollar, The WB, UPN, et. al. most likely do.
FEEDBACK: Please send it offlist and let me know it's feedback; I do rapid delete on my account due to a lot of spam.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: For Xander Appreciation Day, May 1st 2004.
DEDICATED TO: Rain. Get better soon, okay?
Submitted through the 'YG deleted' All-About-Cordy mailing list. Please join us at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AllAboutCordy

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

 

 

Questions Before You Go
by Ragna
(writinggoddess@aol.com)

 

 

I've lived my life alone
My every step foretold
To never linger
And yet it haunts me so
What we are letting go
- The Smashing Pumpkins, "The Sacred and Profane"

***
I just need to move on. I should go to where the Powers That Be need me to go, whether it's here on Earth or someplace else. I used up my favor, I got to say some good-byes...I even got to help kick Lindsey's sorry ass. What a way to cap off a life.

But...well...there's Xander. I just left him. Feel pretty horrible about it, too, but there wasn't much to do about it, you know? And then I ran into Angel and Angel Investigation started and there was Doyle and his stupid sacrifice and his even more stupid gift...and gradually, Xander faded towards the back of my mind.

I don't know when he came back up to the front. Maybe when it really hit me that it was time to go. Yeah, I think that's right. I got to say good-bye to Angel, and I really did care about him. Wish Conner had been around so I could apologize... But I haven't said good-bye to Xander.

I guess I owe him that much.

I get an hour, as soon as I can find him. I know all about Sunnydale going buh-bye. I'd have asked to say good-bye to my family but I bet they already think I'm dead. And the others...Willow never really liked me, and neither did Buffy. Xander did, though. Xander liked...me.

So I owe him a good-bye.

***

Finally track him down. He's not even in the US anymore. I don't know exactly where we are, but it's remote.

I only have an hour...I can hear the clock ticking in my brain, counting it down. I wish it would stop; it's giving me a migraine.

"Xander?" I ask the sleeping man softly. And...he is a man. Before, where he was all gangly and scrawny, he's got muscles.

And one eye. I didn't know...wasn't prepared for that. I stroke the side of his face without the patch until his eye opens up.

"No way," he says softly, grabbing my hand. It doesn't hurt; he's just squeezing lightly, touching it, seeing that I'm really there. "You can't be."

"Can't be the Queen B?"

He smiles slightly. "You're in a coma, aren't you?"

"I was. Now...well, now I'm dead. I called in a massive favor, helped save Angel's hide and now I have to pony up and go to where I'm needed. But I wanted to say good-bye first."

Xander shook his head and sat up. I have to say, whatever work he'd been doing gave him one impressive chest. "Why?"

"Why'd I want to say good-bye?"

"No. Why'd you save Angel?"

"Let's just say...Buffy has things a bit wrong when it comes to her opinion of Angel working at the firm. He's not the bad guy. I helped get rid of a few of them before Angel lost his life."

Xander nodded. "And why are you dead?"

I laughed. I hadn't heard myself laugh in a while. "I was supposed to be dead a while ago. Doyle...you never met him...he gave me a gift, the power to see things. Except I was human and I couldn't handle it. Deals were made, etceteras etceteras and...well..."

I shrugged. I couldn't believe how he looked. "I went into a coma and by waking up to save Angel, I had to go and move on."

Xander nodded, some of it seeping in. "Why'd you say good-bye to me?"

"I knew that was coming!" I laughed again. "You were pushed back in my thoughts, but when I realized I was really going to go, I just had to say good-bye."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just...did."

"Why can't you stay?"

"I made a promise. I can't break it."

"Why...?"

"Xander, there's so many question's you're going to ask that I just can't answer. I answered all the ones I can think of that mean anything."

She leaned over and kissed his forehead. "What happened to your eye?"

"Caleb."

"Who's he?"

"He was the henchman for The First. We destroyed them all. And Sunnydale."

"I heard."

"I'm getting used to it."

"I can see that." I paused for a moment. "Did...did it hurt?"

"Like hell."

I nodded reaching up to touch the patch, Xander flinched. "Sorry."

"I just don't let anyone touch it."

"Okay." I rested my hand on his cheek instead. "I'm...sorry. About high school."

"Forget it."

"No. I was..."

"A spoiled rotten little bitch?"

"I would have put it a bit milder, but yes, that's about what I was." I shook my head. "I never really thanked you for the prom dress."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not." I started to cry. I didn't think I'd have been able to, but I could feel the tears down my face. "I think...I think my whole life got plotted out for me, and I was supposed to be like this. And I worried too much about stupid stuff, and...I could have saved more people and hurt you less."

Xander smiled and shook his head. "If you hadn't hurt me, you wouldn't have been the Cordelia I knew and loved."

"So, you really did love me?"

"Yeah."

I knew I was down to my last five minutes; the ticking in my head just grew faster and faster, louder and louder. "Xander, I have to go soon."

"How soon?"

"Real soon. I spent so much time waiting for you to wake up..." I leaned in and gave him a real kiss. "Say good-bye to the Scoobies for me."

"I will."

"And...I'll wait for you. Anya and I can fight about a visitation schedule while we wait."

Xander laughed and pulled Cordelia in again for a hug. "One more question?"

"I guess."

"Did you love me?"

Cordelia started to fade, right there in Xander's arms, but he could hear her whisper in his ear one word.

"Yes."

 

END

Notes:

This orphaned work was originally on Pejas WWOMB posted by author Ragna.
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