Chapter Text
Chapter 1. The truth can hurt.
It usually took more than a weird feeling to worry a man like Leroy Jethro Gibbs but in the last weeks something had changed in Tony’s behaviour. He seemed to be distracted…He was still doing his job and was still his best agent but it was as if he had more important things in mind. He was not the only one to worry.
Even Ziva had tried to talk to him about it. As usual he had played his favourite role. He answered her like a boss would have done… Ziva thought Tony may have health problems…there was another explanation…of course. Tony could not be sick…It was something else.
But Gibbs had doubts and he hated having doubts about something…especially when Tony was concerned. He had had this conversation with Ziva two days ago and he was still trying to find a way to talk to Tony. He was his boss and he had the right to know if Tony had problems. But it was not the boss who was worried…It was the friend…The man who was secretly in love with one of his team mate.
He should not have such feelings for Tony…It was wrong. He had been taught it was wrong to love a man. He had tried to forget about his desires, his needs…to deny his feelings every time he touched Tony, every time he was near him. But it didn’t work. Accepting his feelings had helped him at first but now it was getting harder to face him every day pretending his was only a co worker for him. And today was not different.
Gibbs looked at Tony when he got out of the elevator. He was wearing a black shirt and a pair of jeans. While Tony was walking to his desk, Gibbs thought about the drawing Kate had done. He had kept them without telling anyone, looking at them at night when everyone had left the building. -Hi, Boss.-Tony.Gibbs pretended to be busy typing something on his computer. He didn’t want Tony to see how confused he was every time he looked at him.
-Anything new?
-You tell me, Tony …
Gibbs had not meant to say this but his mind was not working so fine lately. The words had come out of his mouth before he could think about what he was saying.
-I’m not sure to understand, Boss. Am I supposed to know what you’re talking about?
Gibbs had only two choices now. The first one was to do as if it was Tony’s fault…as if he should have understood what he meant. It would not be so hard. The younger man has always tried to please his boss and making him feel guilty about something was not difficult.
The second choice he had was to ask him directly what was going on… Why he was acting so differently. Tony saw Gibbs’ hesitation. Only a year ago, Tony would have turned his back and found refuge behind his desk waiting for Gibbs’ reproaches. But things had changed. Tony had proved he could be the Boss too. Even if Gibbs could feel it was not easy for the younger man to stand in front of him, he knew Tony would not flee.
-Have I done something wrong, Boss?
-It’s not about the job, Tony. You just seem distant and I wanted to be sure everything was ok for you.
-What can make you think there’s something wrong?
-Something has changed…
-And it bothers you because you don’t know why…?
Gibbs had not expected such a reply. Tony seemed angry at him.
-I’m your boss, Tony. And I need to know everything that would keep you from doing your job.
-I will ask one last time…Have I done something wrong…? Something that could make you think I’m not able to do my job…?
-No, but…
-As you said you’re the boss. So if you think I can’t do my job you can send me back home and talk about it with Director Sheppard. If not… then I have paper work to do.
Tony walked back to his desk and Gibbs could see the tension in his shoulders.
-I’m just worried.
-About what…?
Tony waited for Gibbs’ answer but when Gibbs didn’t reply he walked back to his boss’ desk. Placing his hands on the desk, he faced Gibbs.
-My personal life is not your problem. You have no right to ask about it. I’ve never doubted you even when I had reasons to think you were not able to do your job.
-You are off limits, Tony.
-I’m not the one who started this…Boss. I can ask for another team if you don’t trust me anymore.
-That’s not what I’ve said.
Gibbs didn’t like to be in such a position especially in front of Tony. He stood up and faced the younger man. He wished he could have told him exactly why he had asked him that question. But he could not tell him that. He could not tell him he was worried because he felt he was loosing him.
-I trust you Tony or you would not be here in front of me today. But I will say it only once…don’t let your personal life come in the way. You have a job to do and I want you to concentrate on that.
-Message received, Boss. Is that all?
-For now…yes.
-Good.
Now Gibbs was sure Tony was hiding something…something he didn’t want his boss to know. But he needed to know even more now. At that precise moment Gibbs decided to do what he was the best at doing…he would investigate and find out what Tony was trying so hard to hide.
It was a slow day. No new case…they stayed at the office all day filling papers, writing reports. Tony left early after asking Gibbs if he needed him to do something else. Gibbs didn’t miss the sarcasm behind Tony’s words.
-No, Tony. I think I can deal with my last report without your help.
Tony didn’t answer anything even if Gibbs could feel Tony would have liked to say something more about it. He left the building as fast as he could and he didn’t see that Gibbs’ car was following him.
Tony stopped in front of a restaurant, got out of his car and walked to a woman. Gibbs’ heart was beating fast. He knew Tony liked to be seen as a Don Juan with a lot of women in his life. But Gibbs had learnt to see the truth behind Tony’s tales.
And in the last year Gibbs had begun to hope there was a chance Tony could see more than a boss in him. But tonight the truth was right in front of him. There was so much tenderness in Tony’s moves when he took her in his arms. There was so much love in his eyes when he kissed her.Gibbs didn’t know who this woman was but it was obvious that she was more than a flirt for Tony.
Gibbs stayed in his car for long minutes before deciding to drive back home. Of course, he had known there was a possibility that Tony had someone in his life. There was no reason that a man like him would stay alone. But it was hard to realize he was right. He had lost him. Tony had never made him think there could be something between them but until tonight there was still hope. This woman had destroyed Gibbs’ last hope.
Tony loved her. It was obvious. Gibbs knew him well enough to see it and it hurt…It hurt even more than he had thought it would. When he arrived home, he went right to bed. He knew he would be unable to sleep but he only wanted to stay in the darkness. He spent his night trying to find a way to face Tony and do as if he didn’t know…as if he had not seen him kiss this woman. He had been stupid to think that one day…maybe… He could not blame Tony.
The younger man didn’t know anything about his feeling and would never know about them.Now, Gibbs had to find a way to go on…find a reason to go to work knowing Tony would never shared anything more with him.