Work Text:
Episode Related: Wasteland
Status: Complete
Archive: WWomb, Terri's site
Feedback: Yes
Email Address: ladybug74873@hotmail.com
Series/Sequel: if you want any
Disclaimers: They aren't mine. Marvel Studios and the people associated
I walked down the hallway towards our bedroom when I heard soft sobs coming from that very area. I hurried thinking that Shalimar was in distress but instead of Shalimar I found my beautiful and sensitive Jesse crying on the bed.
"What's wrong, Jesse." I say taking him into my arms.
I don't get a response right away so I wait out my beloved. I rocked Jesse until the sobs quieted. I thought they had completely quit when I felt a few hitches in his breath. I kept up my rocking and words of comfort until I thought it was safe to ask Jesse once again what was wrong. It was a long moment before he could answer me.
"I betrayed you." He sobbed.
I didn't ask how. I knew. He had a moment of weakness and let himself be drawn in by an old (and first) love. I suppose that was my punishment after putting him through so much. But I didn't feel betrayed. I didn't feel the need for Jesse to have those same feelings. I know he did. He was and still is the most sensitive person I know. I look down into those beautiful blue eyes I love so much. I lean down and softly kiss his full lips. He wouldn't let me. He turned before I could even so much as give him a peck. I lifted my head and waited for him to make the next move.
Jesse got up and paced about the room. I stayed on the bed watching him. I didn't say anything. I wanted Jesse to be the one who did all of the talking. He didn't disappoint me either. He stopped in mid-stride and looked at me long and hard. I didn't flinch under that gaze. Jesse many times had given me that particular look which meant that he was seriously considering his move.
"Brennan, don't you care about what I did. Don't you?"
I sighed. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to give him the impression I didn't really care but then on the other hand I didn't want to over react either. I know Jesse loves me more than anything in this world. And the feelings are returned. I also know that Jesse would never intentionally hurt or betray me. I sigh again thinking that I had to be careful in my answer to him. I look up into the blue eyes that seemed to close off when I hesitated with my answer.
"Jesse, I don't know what to say or do. Yes, I do care but I also know that you would never intentionally hurt me either. I don't know what to say to you to make it better or for it to hurt less."
I watch in horror as Jesse goes to pack a few things. I get up to stop him but the look he gives me stops me in my tracks. I don't know what to do now. I want the hurt to go away. I want us to work through this and maybe we will but to have someone I am most passionate about to leave my heart as I see it is something I can't take. I want to stop him but he doesn't want me to at this time. I go for the door. I look back one more time to take in the vision that is the most important person to me: Jesse Kilmartin. My heart can't take it and I run out of the room and Sanctuary until I am out of breath and away from what was going on in that small room I share with Jesse. I don't want to look at my home because all I would see is Jesse packing and leaving me. He won't go far. He'll go back to his old room but that is too far for me when I can't touch him or have him near me in some way.
I stayed where I was for who knows how long. I heard a sound and Shalimar came up to sit beside me. She must have been worried about me or she saw what Jesse was doing and came looking for me. She sat there for a few moments before she spoke.
"You know he didn't mean to betray you. It was just the moment and the case."
"Yeah, I know. But what can I do to make him see that. I don't have the words to tell him. I just don't know."
I lower my head into my hands and let the tears, frustration, hurt and betrayal all out in heartbroken sobs. Yes, it did hurt. It hurt so bad that I thought that my heart would shatter in that moment when I learned that Jesse had slept with Alisha. But somewhere deep down I knew that Jesse's love and heart were with me. That he would not betray or hurt me just out of spite. Shalimar had put her arms around me to wait out the chocking sobs. I don't feel soothed by Shalimar's comfort. My heart is bruised and will stay that way until my precious Jesse heals it.
I really don't blame Jesse for what he is doing. It's my punishment for what I did to him at Hillview. I am finding out what it is like to feel the hurt, and betrayal from a loved one. Now I know what Jesse went through for me when I hurt him so badly at that prison. Yeah, I know it wasn't my fault. That it was a drug but there is still that underlying feeling of hurt. There is still a unworthiness about it. I am starting to feel unworthy of Jesse's love. Maybe it should be the other way around then again maybe not. But what am I going to do about this. This feeling that a betrayal by Jesse is not the first or last time that either one of us will go through a hard time.
I rise up from Shalimar's lap and give her a tentative smile. She smiles back and touches my cheek gently. She gets up to leave me alone. But I know she will not be too far off. That's good because I might need her again.
I sit here thinking about Jesse. He feels he has wronged me. And he has in a way. But then again didn't he feel wronged when I hurt him at Hillview? What about all of that? It does go back to Hillview. I think a lot of what we went through from that period in our lives has not been worked through. I think that is why Jesse did what he did. Deep down somewhere he thought he owed back some of that hurt he was dealt at the prison. And you know he was right in doing that. But then again I had something to do with that. I never approached Jesse to even talk it out. Neither did he. We both let it fester until he sought the arms of another person. And it happened to be his first love Alisha Keany. I don't think that makes me feel better.
I angrily strike out at a tree I am sitting next to. The pain from my hand makes me feel only a little better. Shalimar heard the impact and comes quickly to my side. She coos over my hand and then looks up into my eyes. She is startled at what she sees. She sees the anger, hurt, betrayal and heartbreak that I have been holding inside since Jesse slept with Alisha.
Maybe it's not supposed to be repaired. This relationship that was formed from a deep and close friendship is being ripped apart from the seams. I glance at Shalimar and nod at her. I am ready to face Jesse. We have to come to some understanding before we can continue forward. The one thing I do know is that I do love Jesse with all my heart, body, and soul. I don't want to lose him. But it seems like that might just happen. I never want to live in that dark place before Jesse. We walk together back to Sanctuary where Shalimar can take care of my hand.
Jesse must have heard about my little injury because he has hurried through the doors of the medi-lab. For a man that feels like he has betrayed me he is fast coming to my side. I suppose this could mean that there is hope that we will both work through this. Upon seeing that Jesse was with me Shalimar left us to talk. I touch Jesse's cheek gently. He leaned into my touch. I smiled just seeing this loving gesture being accepted.
"Jess, I adore you, you know that. I wouldn't hurt you and neither would you hurt me. There have been some things that have happened that we have let fester."
Jesse tries to stop me but I put up my finger to his lips to stop his flow of words. I know what he will say. I don't want to hear it just yet. He was silenced for just a moment but I jumped in before he could say anymore.
"I have been doing some thinking, mine. I know that some things from Hillview have festered. Deep down for the both of us, Jesse, your sleeping with Alisha wasn't a betrayal. It was getting back at me for hurting you so badly."
He looked sadly at me. What I saw in his eyes told me the truth that I was right. I was right that he had slept with Alisha to get to me. And he was right. It did get to me. I hurt just as badly as he did when we came out of Hillview. It would seem that everything came back to Hillview. I looked at Jesse again. I didn't want to let go but maybe letting go for now would help us both. We could get back on our feet and start to work through everything. I hated Alisha for not saying no. I hated her for taking away the innocence that was Jesse. I hated her for taking Jesse and not giving him back whole. I stare a moment longer but in those blue depths before me was a love that was so deep it would have touched the blackest of hearts. I shattered before Jesse taking in deep gulping breaths. Shalimar was shooing him out. I knew then that there would be some hope but for now Jesse and I would walk along our path slowly.
Turning Jesse looked back at his beautiful Brennan. Sadly the younger man walked out of the door thinking that his chance was all but gone. Sliding down a wall in the bedroom area Jesse's heart broke for what was and what could have been. If he hadn't slept with Alisha maybe this would not have gone on. But then again Brennan was right things had festered since Hillview and he had slept with his old lover just to get back at the older man.
I watched my heart through tear stained eyes. He looked like his whole world had come crashing down. I had to let go. It was too much. Shalimar insisted I go to bed early. I didn't argue. Sleep didn't come readily. I had Jesse and our problems on my mind. I wondered if we could get through this. I wanted to. It was hard enough trying to let Jesse go but it was even harder to see the emotions play across his face. I was saddened to see him that way. But deep down it had to be done. We needed to work on what went on between him and Alisha and other things that have been left behind.
It has been a couple of days Jesse hasn't talked to me. He's angry. I wouldn't blame him. He is at his beloved computers so I intend to corner him.
Jesse sees and hears Brennan walk up behind him. He frowns thinking that he needs to make a hasty retreat. Brennan won't let him. He pins Jesse up against the computer table not letting him go.
"Jesse, it's been a couple of days. We need to talk."
"No. You have made your decision."
"What's that? That I would leave. Get real, Jess. I wouldn't leave you. I love you too much. That's why I have let you leave our bed. We need to talk about our problems. Yes, Jesse, I have felt betrayed by you when you slept with Alisha. We need to talk about it."
Jesse looked at his lover in astonishment. That was a lot for Brennan. He was angry. Jesse realized that he was angry not just with the both of them but also with himself. Brennan had a lot of issues and one of them was betrayal. He had been betrayed by a lot of people in his life. Jesse wasn't looking to betray someone he loved so deeply.
He nodded and Brennan held out his hand to the younger man. Taking it, Jesse let himself be led to the couches that stood near the computer terminals. Jesse sat staring at Brennan hoping that the older man would make the first move. He wasn't disappointed.
"Jesse, would it make any difference if I said I forgave you. I did, you know. I forgave you the instant I found out. She was your first love. That's special but you are special to me."
"I know, Brennan. I can't help but wonder if maybe I should have said no myself. It was the moment."
I smiled at the beautiful man before me. He was trying to make it seem less serious. He was the one trying to forgive instead of me. I keep smiling letting him talk out his grief and pain. I know that Jesse never meant for me to be hurt or betrayed. That's the type of soul that he is.
After a while Jesse wound down and I took him in my arms. I held him tightly whispering that all was forgiven and that we would work things out. I knew in my heart of hearts that Jesse never would have completely given himself to Alisha. How could he? He had already given me his heart and I kept it safe.
Jesse and I would go down life's road having ups and downs. We both knew that it was hard. We have never been so lucky as we have been now. I knew that Jesse hurt just as much as I did. We would have learned a lesson. We have learned that talking and letting each other know what's in our hearts is for the best. I don't know what I would do without Jesse.
Shalimar turned from the doorway that she was standing in. She had heard the two men in her life talking and was making sure that everything was all right. She smiled, as she thought of the two of them going down life's road loving, laughing and hurting. She just wished that the hurting wasn't in the picture.
The I Love You's being whispered from the living area brought a smile to her face. Shalimar knew things would look better and that Jesse and Brennan would be better because of this.