Work Text:
Regrets
by nancy
The others had forgiven his deception shortly after the entire incident was over. Gwen had been first, of course, but she knew him the least and so likely hadn't felt as betrayed as the others. And then she'd not-so-subtly reminded Owen of how he'd felt, and what he'd done, when he'd had the opportunity to exact what he'd perceived as justice on Lizzie Lewis' part for her rape and murder. Once Owen had caved, Tosh had been next, though that had taken another week or so of abject groveling and servitude. Even so, Ianto knew he'd gotten off lightly, all things considered.
Not so with Jack. Despite that nod of implied acceptance when Ianto had returned to work the following day, things had remained cold between them. It was long after everyone had left before Ianto managed to gather his courage enough to knock softly on the glass of Jack's office. The other man looked up from his book, blue eyes icy and unrelenting, which Ianto knew he deserved. It was the same look he'd gotten from Jack whenever they were alone over the last month or so and the reason he'd tried to not be alone with Jack since Lisa.
Jack's tone was sharp as he demanded, "What is it, Ianto?"
Taking a breath, Ianto entered the room more fully and said quietly, "I wanted to talk with you."
Jack leaned back in his chair, arms crossing. "About?"
Clearing his throat, Ianto replied, "About Lisa."
"I don't want to hear it."
"Please, Sir."
It might have been the 'please' that did it, or maybe Jack was just in an unusually forgiving mood, but the man nodded shortly and slowly uncrossed his arms. Of course, once he had Jack's undivided attention, Ianto couldn't figure out what to say. He'd had a speech prepared, but it flew away, shredded by Jack's steady, implacable gaze.
"Cat got your tongue?" Jack prompted after a long minute.
"I'm sorry!" Ianto finally blurted out. Rushing on so as not to lose his nerve, he continued, "I'm so very, very sorry that you can't even imagine, Jack. I didn't mean to deceive you, truly I didn't. I didn't mean to, to...I didn't think. I know that's an awful thing to say, given the consequences, but it's the truth. For once in my life, I simply reacted. Lisa was there, she was dying, and I had the power to save her, to, to cure her. Or, I thought I did. So I brought her back here. I just, I couldn't let her go, I loved her so deeply."
Jack's lips tightened and his jaw flexed as he looked away.
A good sign, if ever Ianto saw one. He took a calming breath and finished, "The one thing I regret above everything else, is what I said to you. I will *never* forgive myself for that. I hope you know that I would die for you. I would never, ever let you suffer or leave you to die. Ever. I would sooner cut my own heart out. And that's what I really wanted to tell you."
For a long moment, Jack stared at the hand in the glass case on his shelf, his expression inscrutable. When he turned back to Ianto there was still no discernable expression on his face as he said coolly, "Apology accepted. Was there anything else?"
Ianto felt punched in the gut, his hand actually going there to hold his stomach as though there'd been a physical blow. While he hadn't expected Jack to be warm and open, the betrayal had certainly been too great for that, he had expected there to be some sort of softening. A glimmer of forgiveness. Swallowing against an exceptionally tight throat, he managed a strangled, "No, that's all. Thank you, Sir."
Somehow, he walked out of the office and down the stairs to begin his evening clean-up. Not that there was much, since he'd been fairly obsessive-compulsive about keeping things extra tidy over the last month. It was not only a way to occupy his time, but also to mutely attempt to make-up to the others by keeping them as comfortable and supplied as possible. Gwen had already begun trying to make him feel better, to get him to relax a little, but he couldn't even start to think that way.
The fact of the matter was that he deserved whatever Jack gave him, for however long the other man felt like dishing it out. All he wanted was to see that bright smile aimed his way again. Needed it, to make his world complete once more. Something he hadn't realized until it was gone, as pathetic as that was.
All that time and energy spent on Lisa, all the deception and lies, all of it had been ultimately useless. It might have been excusable given how much he'd loved her, certainly it was understandable, but apparently that didn't matter. Not to Jack. And the worst of it was that he couldn't even blame Jack for feeling the way he did. He'd put them all at risk. He'd essentially killed Dr. Tanizaki, even if he hadn't physically done the deed. He'd put the world at risk, and that really was unforgivable.
It wasn't until he literally couldn't see through the blur of tears or breathe that Ianto realized he was crying. He set the trash bag on the floor and pulled a handkerchief from his pocket. Blowing his nose, Ianto dashed as his eyes and cleared his throat, which burned from the rest of the tears he refused to shed. This simply was unacceptable. If Jack wasn't ready to forgive him, no matter his words, then he would have to live with that until it changed.
"Ianto."
Jumping a bit in surprise, Ianto turned to find Jack standing soberly about a meter away. Quickly tucking the handkerchief away, he asked, "Did you need something, Sir?"
Jack scrubbed a hand through his hair, sending it askew, and confirmed, "Yeah. I need you to understand something."
"Yes, Sir?" Ianto replied, hesitant.
Pale eyes stared earnestly into his as Jack informed him, "If you ever do anything like that, ever again, I will shoot you. Period. End of story. That was your one screw-up. The only one you're allowed. Do you understand?"
Ianto nodded as he whispered, "I do, Sir. I'll never let you down again, I swear it."
A half-smile graced Jack's lips and he warned, "Don't make promises you can't keep, Ianto."
"I don't, Sir," Ianto told him.
Jack stepped closer, his gaze turned searching. "Do you still love her?"
A pain ran through Ianto and he nodded raggedly, answering, "I always will, Sir."
"Then how can you look at me like that?" Jack questioned, one hand reaching up to lightly cup Ianto's face.
Honest, Ianto said miserably, "I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just know...I can't bear that you hate me now. I can't bear that I've failed you so horribly."
Jack sighed. "I don't hate you, Ianto. I'm pissed at you and I doubt that'll change any time soon, but I don't hate you."
Hope entered Ianto's heart at those words. And then Jack slowly pulled him even closer, the grip sliding around to the back of his neck. Ianto's eyes widened in surprise, but he didn't protest as the other man touched their mouths together. The kiss was gentle and slow, a reconnecting of sorts even though they'd never connected on that level to begin with. He wasn't sure when his eyes closed, but when the kiss ended, he had to blink them open.
"I will shoot you, if there's a next time," Jack reiterated.
Ianto nodded and whispered, "I would want you to."
"Good," Jack murmured, again gazing into his eyes. "Good. Why don't you go home, Ianto? You look tired."
A bit confused, Ianto said, "But, I thought..."
"It's not time," Jack interrupted, that half-smile reappearing. "Go home."
Feeling better than he had in months, Ianto gave a shy smile and stepped back. "Thank you, Sir."
Jack grinned suddenly and pointed out, "I think in private, you can call me Jack now."
Ianto returned the grin with a smile of his own and said, "Good night, Sir."
"Night, Ianto," Jack replied, squeezing his shoulder before releasing Ianto.
It was much lighter of soul that Ianto left the hub. He thought, perhaps, that he might actually be able to sleep when he got home.
Capt. Jack Harkness: You know strictly speaking, throttling the staff is my job.
end