Work Text:
Just Sit Right Back
By Ragna
"And this is all your fault!"
Glory stomped around the wreckage, pointing at Dreg. She formed a fireball in her hand and pointed it towards Dreg. "I'm gonna kill you!"
Dreg cowered slightly. "No, mistress, please!"
The bushes rustled and out walked five people. They'd obviously been there a few days, since two of the three men had small beards.
Giles cleared his throat, looking around at the others. His gaze jumped from Cordelia to Fred to Xander to Lorne.
"Lady, we don't think so," the demon said. "And I take it you're shipwrecked, too."
"Just like on Gilligan's Island," Fred said. "You know, with the people on the island and...I'm just babbling."
"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip. That started from this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship," Xander sang in his goofy voice until everyone was looking at him. "What?"
"Look, people," Glorificus said. "I'm going to find the Key. You're all going to help me look for it because, frankly, there isn't anything else for us to do. This mermaid Key...find her."
"You find the key, lady, and the world as we know it is in big trouble."
Glorificus shook her head. "Do I look like I care? The only thing this world has to offer me is good shows and better dresses."
"Well, isn't that enough?" Cordelia asked, flipping her hair.
***
"Well, dive again!" Glorificus yelled. Dreg slowed her fanning and she snapped at him. "Fan faster!"
"Prima Donna, isn't she?" Cordelia yelled.
Xander nodded. "We don't agree on much, but I'll agree with you on that."
Fred giggled slightly. "I think it's kind of funny. She seems so...important. But she's not, really. She just thinks she is."
Lorne came up from under the water. "We aren't going to find it here. It's too deep, too far out from sea."
Giles shook his head. "We need a plan."
"Hey...look!" Fred said, pointing to the shore.
"Wow. Glorificus is a...man?" Xander said.
"And a damn fine one at that," Cordelia said.
Giles and Lorne looked at each other. "I think we may have an idea..." Lorne said.
***
"Who are you?"
The young man turned around. "I...I'm Ben. Who are you?"
"Cordelia Chase. Hey, want to follow me for a minute?"
She swayed her hips a bit, and what with her wet T-shirt and now frayed shorts, Ben swallowed, hating the fact he was wearing a dress. Certain anatomical parts on a male could show through thin material.
"Sure."
Cordelia walked into the woods. "I need sex, right now. I need it bad." She looked over her shoulder, smiled her patented flirt smile. "But I need some help."
"Of course." Ben started to take the dress off, but Cordelia turned around and stopped him.
"No...I'll help with that when we get to camp."
Ben could hardly contain himself. He was, finally, after months of waiting, going to get laid. They walked into a clearing, and Ben saw some make shift lean to's around a small fire pit. "Which one's yours?"
"This one," she said, pointing to a large one. "Now, see, I like a little fun with my sex." She smiled, holding up four strands of rope. "How do you feel about bondage?"
Ben fainted.
***
"Wha...?"
"Rise and shine, lover boy," Cordelia said to a now undressed Ben. She crawled over him and kissed him. "Told you I liked bondage." She leaned in to kiss him again.
He started to morph.
She screamed.
Glorificus screamed.
Cordelia screamed again.
"What's with all the bloody screaming?" Giles said.
"She...she...ew! I don't *do* girls!" Cordelia screeched, pointing at a naked Glorificus. She looked around. "Where's Fred, and Xander? And Lorne?"
"Out there. What should we do with her?"
"Kill her," Lorne said. "She'll destroy the world if you don't." He smiled slightly. "Now, if you don't mind. The mermaid came to pay me a call."
"I'm going to...go rest," Cordelia said. She walked towards the farthest lean-to and then screamed. "Xander! Fred! On *my* bed?"
Giles shook his head. "Looks like it's just you and me, and you're all tied up," he said.
"Wait! Wait!" Dreg said. "I want..."
"Yes?"
The little man looked at his Goddess tied down. "I want the honor of killing her."
"By all means, find a rock and drop it on her head."
***
Cordelia sat near Giles across from Xander and Fred, who were curled up together, sleeping. "Are we ever going to leave?"
"I should hope so." He sighed. "Let's hope Lorne or...what's his name?"
"Dreg."
"Right. Dreg. Let's hope one of them can find a way out of here."
"Good, because I want a shower. And sunscreen. And some warm food and..."
Giles shut his eyes and closed his eyes. This was going to be a long shipwreck.
END