SquidgeWorld Archive

"I just can't believe you told her," Xander complained.

"Well, we WERE talking about crushes. You don't have to be a baby about it," Willow said. "I mean, it's not like she didn't already know."

"She knew?"

"Hell-o... How obvious could it have been, Xan. I mean, you gave her a bracelet our sophomore year that said...."

"That's okay. I remember. So she knew? And we're still okay?"

"Sure," Willow chuckled. "What did you think would happen? She'd hate you forever?"

"Well, no. But... Okay, maybe I did. It's just that I was comfortable knowing she didn't know. You know?"

"And now that you know that she knows and has always known, you're all... Well, YOU know."

"Exactly. Comfort level definitely slipping here, Wills." Xander took a sip from his iced coffee. "I mean what am I going to say next time I see her?" As he finished, he saw a startled look on Willow's face as she looked behind him. He was getting ready to ask her what was wrong, when he heard Buffy's voice.

"How about 'hello'. That's always a good opener."

"Buffy!" He said, setting his iced coffee down a little hard and causing it to splash out onto the table. "We were just..."

"Talking about me. I know." Buffy smiled at him, which only made him more nervous. "I was hoping to find you here. I think you and I should probably talk."

"Greeeeaaat," he thought. "Thanks a heap, Will."

"Willow, do you mind if I take him off your hands for a little while?" Buffy asked.

"No," Willow smiled. "By all means."

Buffy turned to Xander. "Come with?"

"Er, uh... sure," he said nervously. "Where to?"

"Just for a walk. See ya, Will."

"Bye, you two," she said with a smile. "Have fun."

Xander shot her a dirty look. "Yeah. Thanks."

Buffy and Xander walked about a block down the street, before she started talking. "So, Xan...."

"How about a movie?" Xander interrupted. "They're fun and festive. And the popcorn with the liquid fake butter? Yum. We couldn't talk in there, but... I mean, isn't it worth it to see... whatever happens to be showing today?"

"I don't think so," she said with a grin. "I was thinking more like..."

"Lunch? We could go to Fratelli's."

"Are you kidding? That place is WAY loud."

"Is it? I never noticed. Bowling?"

"No."

"The Bronze?"

"Nope."

"The gun range?"

"No."

"The monster truck rally?"

"No. Xander, I just want to talk to you. You'll survive it, I promise. Just trust me, okay?"

He looked into her eyes. And slowly, he melted. "Okay. What's up?"

"You KNOW what's up. That's what you guys were talking about when I came up behind you. Remember? You said something about your comfort level slipping."

"Oh, that. Yeah... er, I was saying my BVD's seem a bit tighter than I'm used to. And..."

"Stop it, Xan. I know you were talking about the conversation I had with Willow."

"Oh, God. I think I'm gonna pass out."

"It's no big."

"It's not?"

"No, silly. Like I told her. I knew that a long time ago, except..."

"What?"

"I just thought you were over it. I mean, before Anya left, you two seemed pretty tight."

"Yeah, well... I loved her, Buff."

"I know."

"But..."

"But what?"

"I never stopped.... I mean, you were always...."

She saw how uncomfortable he was, so she let him off the hook. "It's okay, Xand. I hear ya."

"Well, anyway. I hope that what Willow told you doesn't... you know, change things between us."

"How could it not?"

Xander suddenly looked hurt. "What do you mean?"

"Look... We've been friends for a long time now. You and Willow have been with me since I first moved here. When I found out about your feelings for me.... Well, there was no choice there. I knew Wills had the hots for you, so you were off limits. From the get-go, I just trained myself to think of you as off-limits."

"I understand."

"No. I don't think you do. In the beginning... Well, let's just say I wasn't opposed to the idea of going out with you that first lunch period in the quad. But that night at the Bronze, Will told me how she felt about you, and..."

"Okay. I'm confused."

"Let me finish. If I hadn't known about Will's feelings, I don't know how things would have been different. But I know I closed myself off to any possibilities once I knew about Will's crush. Then Angel came along, and... Well, everything went turvy-topsy."

"So, recap for we slow folk."

"I think it became easy to treat you like one of the girls. I mean, there were times when I saw you as man. Remember, that Speedo you wore for the swim team?"

"Yeah?"

"Lost sight of that whole 'one of the girls' angle. And when Angel was bad, there were a few moments when... And the whole deal with Riley. I knew when we had that talk. I knew what a strong man you really are. You weren't gonna let me do something that would hurt me, even if it meant getting rough with me."

"So this all means what? I mean, is this just your way of letting me down easily? Because...."

"No. Not at all. The opposite, really."

"Okay. Now I AM confused."

"That's because you aren't letting me say what I need to say. So just shut up for a second. Deal?"

"Deal."

Buffy took a deep breath before continuing. "I think we should go out."

He swallowed hard. "What?!"

"You're breaking the deal!"

"Sorry. Shutting up now. Please," he said. Buffy noticed there was more life in his eyes than there had been in a long time. "Continue."

"It just that.... Okay. My choice in men has been questionable at best. I mean, Angel.... Well, there was no way that could work. It was pretty much doomed from the get-go. And Riley.... You see, first I thought it was all me. I mean, the holding back and not letting him in. And, maybe, that WAS a big part of it. But part of it was also that I never felt safe enough with him. Like maybe one day he would wake up and realize there was more to the world than just me. Does that make any sense at all?"

"Of course, it does."

"But then, when Will and I were talking, I realized that maybe... Well, just maybe I had missed out on something by never...." She was clearly struggling for words. "I don't know what to say here, but... You have always KNOWN me. Even parts of me I haven't known too well myself. The good, the bad and the ugly. And you never shy away."

"How could I? I mean, Buffy, you're...."

"One of your best friends? I'm making a fool of myself here, aren't I?"

"Now who's interrupting? I was going to say that you are easily the most wonderful and incredible person that has ever come into my life. How could I ever shy away from you?"

She smiled at him a smile that lit up his whole world. "So, I was thinking. Maybe we should go out. You know. Try and see if anything develops."

"That's not usually how it works. Either you feel a thing or you don't. Remember?"

She looked sad, remembering how badly she must have hurt him. "I know I hurt you. I know that. But if you still feel the same way about me...."

"It isn't about how I feel about you," Xander said, breaking eye contact. "It never has been." He turned his eyes back to hers, searching for the answer in her eyes.

"Close your eyes," she said, looking a bit scared.

"Oh, God!" He closed his eyes quickly. "Is there a spider on me? Because I...." He was interruped by the touch of her lips to his. He actually trembled. Her arms slid around his neck and held him tightly. He relaxed and put his hands on her waist.

Neither of them was aware of how much time passed, but when they let go of each other it was as if the world had changed.

"Wow," Buffy said.

"Ditto," Xander muttered. "And also 'holy moly'. Could I try that again?"

"Uh-huh," she consented.

They kissed again. Again the whole world seemed to change. When it was over, they stared into each other's eyes.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"Aren't you?" She asked.

And they both answered 'yes' with another kiss.