Work Text:
Title: ...And I'm Working For Free
Author: Corde
Warnings: Extreme silliness. Don't read.
Disclaimer: Nuthin' t' declare. I beg, borrow, and steal of my own free will. Sue me if you like; you'll get half a bottle of juniper-scented hand lotion and a Darth Maul wristwatch. No! You can NOT have my Ted Raimi autograph!
Author's note: Soj wanted Pilot!Angst, Passion?s Fool wanted a flashlight, three marbles, a lizard and a hole in a pocket, Bug and Smurf wanted more Cordefic, Bongo wanted me to stop beating him up for the stupid sonnet-that-wasn?t, and I just wanted something to do. Three cheers to Shaye for winning the "First To Respond Gets A Walk-on In A Cordefic" contest, to Dani for being runner-up, and to Rayne for just generally bugging me the whole time. Thanks, guys. With friends like you, who needs? well, friends?
Title: Portions of This Story Blatantly Snurched? I Mean Procured? From Sojushisan And Her Story, "The Seventh Forbidden Cargo." Sorry, Soj, But You Get What You Pay For, And I?m Working For Free.
Author's note: I've got a ton of this stuff. I only posted this one here because I used PF's challenge thingy. Sorry.
AND I'M WORKING FOR FREE
By Corde
"Oh, woe is me!" Pilot groaned, leaning over his console dramatically.
Aeryn staggered in. ("'Staggered'?" asked Chi. "Better than 'wandered' again, innit?" Corde said. "Guess so," agreed Chi. "G'head, let her stagger.") "Pilot, what are you doing?" Aeryn asked.
Pilot ignored her. "Woe, woe is meeee!" he moaned, leaning farther over and assuming a pathetic pose.
Crichton chose that moment to saunter in, shirtless. Aeryn did a double take. "Go put some clothes on!" she snapped at him.
Taken aback by the abrupt comment, Crichton sauntered away again, presumably to find a shirt. There was a collective groan from off screen. "Thanks a lot, Aeryn!" one voice shouted.
"Put a sock in it, Shaye!" she shouted back.
Pilot took the opportunity to pull out a large handkerchief (clawkerchief?) and blow his? um? he doesn't really have a nose? uh? okay, let's start this paragraph over.
Pilot took the opportunity to pull out a large kleenex? oh wait, that's a name brand, it should be "tissue," shouldn't it? And they don't really come in different sizes? you don't get a box of "large" tissues as opposed to a box of "small" tissues? that would be stupid. Why would anyone buy "small" sized tissues? Okay, this just isn't working.
Chapter 2
Rayne wandered in. JUST KIDDING, CHI!
Chapter 3
Rayne was standing in Pilot's den, watching amusedly as he moaned and groaned angstily. Is that even a word? Spellchecker doesn't like it. This just isn't working, is it?
Chapter 4
"Nice little existential crisis you got there, Corde," said Sojushisan.
"Thanks!" said Corde.
Tinka chose that moment to drive by in her red 2000 Mercury Cougar with the windows rolled down and Melissa Etheridge blaring from the speakers. Tinka sang along. "Mama I'm strange?" she belted out.
"WE KNOW!" Corde shouted after her. Aileen grinned.
Chapter 5
Back to the Pilot-angst! Really!
"Oh, woe is me!" Pilot groaned, leaning over his console dramatically.
Aeryn walked in. "Pilot, what are you doing?" Aeryn asked.
Pilot ignored her. "Woe, woe is meeee!" he moaned, leaning farther over and assuming a pathetic pose. "I am filled with such angst," he added, allowing two very large tears to fall down his cheeks and splash on his console.
Aeryn leaned over and took his claw. "This is me, Pilot. Aeryn. We are closer than any two on this ship. I still carry remnants of your DNA inside of me."
Pilot shook her off and began singing. "I DUNNO WHYY THERE'S NO LEVIATHAN IN THE SKY!" he wailed. "STORMYYYY WEATHERRRR!!!"
Corde shuddered. "Oh no?"
Chapter 6
D'Argo stuck his hand in his pocket. "Oh no!" he exclaimed. "There's a hole in my pocket!" He pulled out three marbles and a flashlight. "I had a lizard in there too?"
Chapter 7
HA!
Chapter 8
"Corde's been reading Resnick again," Zhaan muttered, sharpening her wit. (Don't smirk. You can do a lot of damage with a sharp wit. It's almost as good as a spork.)
"Or her own early work," Darth Maul chimed in. Zhaan did a double take.
"Where did you come from?" she demanded.
He grinned, showing blackened teeth. Rygel gagged. "Corde bought a new watch with me on it," he told her.
"See?" Corde said proudly, trying to hold her wrist up to show it off. The watch was made of die-cast metal, and it was so heavy she could barely lift her arm.
Corde's brother TJ looked at the Maul-shaped chunk of metal on her wrist and laughed. "That's the ugliest, most useless piece of crap I've ever seen!" he sneered. Corde looked pointedly at TJ's car, which was sitting on cement blocks in the driveway. TJ gave her a hurt look and slunk away, apparently to get his car a wheel or two. Corde snickered and admired her watch.
Chapter 9
"Pilot!" Corde shouts, trying in vain to get his attention. Pilot is still singing his song, wailing louder on every chorus. Corde hadn't known that the words "stormy weather" could be stretched out over so many syllables. "PILOT!" she finally screams, grabbing all four of his claws and stuffing them into his own mouth. "HUSH UP!" she commands.
Ignoring the glares of the rest of FaDoP, Corde motions Dani over to help her, and tells her to bring the duct tape. Once Corde and Dani have Pilot securely taped up, but before StarPaw or Soj can attack them for injuring him, Corde explains her seemingly nefarious actions. "I told him I wanted angst," she said, "but I think he took it a little too far."
The assembled FaDoPi consider that, and agree. Soj even considers digging out her floss, but thinks better of it, considering the quasi-damage already being done to Pilot.
Corde and Dani proudly survey their taped Pilot. They give each other triumphant high-fives, then turn and run out of Pilot?s den as fast as they can.
"Hey?" says Moya's Pilot, as though just realizing something. "Who's going to take the tape OFF of him?"
The assembled FaDoP exchange a few dozen glances, then turn and follow Corde and Dani.
Chapter 10
"WHAT THE FRELL WAS THAT?!?" Aeryn screamed. "By Monjo, Corde, you'd better have a DARN good reason for suddenly switching to present tense in the middle of the story! Have I taught you NOTHING?!?"
Corde holds a plate of snickerdoodles at arm?s length in an attempt to pacify the enraged ex-Peacekeeper. "Yes, I have a good reason!" she says. "FaDoP scandals are written in present tense! Chapter 10 was written in the form of a scandal! It's okay!"
"Oh, okay then," says Aeryn, taking a cookie. "Boy, poor Oto is going to get quite a surprise when she comes back from China."
Corde snickered.
THE END