Work Text:
Starting Over
by JE aka immortalje
Robert Chase was trying to find something on House so that the other man would finally stop treating him like crap. Thus he was searching the older man's office long after the others had gone home.
What he found in the top drawer shocked him. There were countless pictures of him, pens he had used, notes he had written, and endless notes that appeared to be written by House.
Picking one up, he quickly realized that it was a love letter for him. Pulling all of the notes out of the drawer, he went through them and realized that all of House's notes were effectively letters telling Chase that the older man loved him. There were even ones reassuring him that House didn't believe that he had gone to Vogler, that he'd prove his innocence. Those hurt Chase, as he felt his betrayal of House all over again. The man had trusted him, had believed in him.
Grabbing for more notes in the drawer, he was distracted by bars of his favourite chocolate. Chocolate that wasn't available in the US. It was wrapped in one last note.
Smoothing the note out, he saw that one single word was written all over the paper.
'Why?'
It was obvious that the paper had been crumbled and smoothed out again several times.
He was so focused on the note that he didn't notice Wilson enter the office, until the other man asked, "What are you doing here?"
"I. I was trying to find something so House would stop treating me like crap," answered Chase, startled.
Wilson sighed and said, "He's been left one too many times to trust his heart readily. These were his attempts to tell you how he felt. Sadly, he always was overcome by doubts before he could leave them for you to find. All he's got left now is the ability to make you as miserable as he is."
"Why'd he want to fire me?" asked Chase.
Wilson sat down in the chair in front of House's table, "Because he took a gamble he knew he'd lose. If he hadn't told Vogler your name, he would have doubted you forever. Had Vogler let him fire you, he'd have lost you, but as it happened, Vogler didn't let him fire you, proving that you were the one to betray him. No matter what he did, his heart would have lost in all cases. That night he nearly killed himself with an overdose and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Mind you, not intentionally. The only sad thing is that I couldn't give him any comfort; as I already broke his heart once and he won't let me get that close again. Don't make the same mistake."
"With the way he's treating me, I doubt that I'd still stand a chance," said Chase, dejected, not realizing that he was admitting his feelings.
Wilson laughed, "As long as he's treating you like this, you still have a chance. The moment he's successfully killed his feelings for you, he'll treat you normally again."
A couple of nights later
Despite his best intentions, the talk with Wilson didn't leave Chase's mind as he lay awake in bed late at night. All he could focus on was the other man's assurance that House still loved him, regardless of what he had done.
Getting up again, Chase dressed in his running clothes. A little run would do him wonders and help him get some sleep. When he saw that it was raining, he ignored it and started on his usual track, letting his mind wander.
He was surprised when he suddenly stood in front of House's apartment. He saw that the light was still on, signaling that the older man was still awake.
Chase longed to be up there, longed to be held by House. "Apologize," he told himself, as once again Wilson's words rang through his head.
Before he realized it, Chase was approaching the building; soon he stood at House's door, dripping wet from the rain.
Chase could hear a piano from inside the apartment, but, after his hesitant knock, it stopped abruptly. Some time later, the door was pulled open.
Was it his imagination or did House freeze for a moment? Either way, he stared emotionlessly at Chase, not saying a word.
"I. I wanted to apologize. For going to Vogler," said Chase, finally.
House raised his eyebrow, "Is that why you're so wet?"
"I. took a run and ended up here. I thought now was as good as any other time when I saw the light still on," explained Chase.
He was desperate to ask House about the notes he's found, but he was scared of the reaction he'd get in response to the violation of privacy he'd committed, scared of the answer to his question.
Finally, House turned around and said, "Come in. Don't need you getting sick. We're already understaffed."
When Chase stepped into the living room, and closed the door. He saw the piano he had heard; a tumbler and a bottle of vicodin rested on top of it. His silent observation was interrupted when House entered the room with a towel in one hand.
"Dry yourself," said House, throwing it to Chase.
Chase did as he was told silently, while House scrutinized him. He felt self conscious, as if House was counting all his faults.
After some time, House broke the silence, "So, why did you do it?"
"I don't know. I'd like to say that it felt right at the time, but it didn't. It didn't feel wrong either, though. I wish I knew why I did it. I just knew that I couldn't stop once I started. He.," said Chase, defeated.
House limped over to the piano and said, "Vogler is good at getting what he wants. I know his type. Didn't mean you had to give in to him so willingly though. I could have helped you, you know."
"I'm sorry. I. I was just in so deep," said Chase in a small voice, "I wish I could turn back time and undo everything."
"You can't though," reminded House the younger man harshly.
Chase stared at House's rigid back. After some time, he said, "I could try to make it up though. I."
"How do you think you can atone for betrayal like that up?" the venom in House's voice made Chase realize that every single one of Wilson's words had been true.
Thinking quickly, Chase tried to come up with something that would satisfy the older man. There wasn't much he could offer that House hadn't already taken. He didn't want to offer anything sexual either. Not because he didn't want House, but because he wanted it to be something special when it happened. If it happened at all, Chase reminded himself.
Finally Chase answered dismally, "I don't know. I wish I'd have an idea. It's just. It's so much I did wrong."
"You could start by getting Cameron back," decided House, "and take your punishment as it comes."
Chase nodded mutely, not noticing that House wouldn't see it. Standing there awkwardly, Chase wasn't sure whether this was his clue to leave or stay.
House finally turned around and said, "You can take the couch. No use in
getting all wet again."
Chase watched House go into the bedroom, unsure of what exactly had just happened. Did he still have a chance or did he just help House get over him? He didn't know what he had expected of this talk, didn't know what to expect from the future.
At the hospital
A month had passed since Chase had apologized. House's treatment of him had been better, although he still hadn't regained his old status back yet. Cameron had come back after Chase's endless pleading, and his apology for effectively costing her her job. He had made a huge fool out of himself, but it had worked.
Chase sighed when House kept him back after he sent the other two to do their tasks. Instead of the expected downgrading, the Australian was told, "Be at my place tonight at 6." Nothing more.
House's words worried Chase to no end. He refused to acknowledge any lingering hope of a relationship with House, for fear of disappointment.
Same day at House's apartment
That night, Chase knocked at House's door, scared of what lay behind it. But soon after, House let him in and motioned him to sit down, Chase realized that his fears had been unnecessary.
"What do you expect from a relationship between us?" asked House directly.
Chase was thrown by the question. After a moment he said, "I. I expect you to be your usual self. Maybe a bit more relaxed when we're alone, but not totally open. I. It wouldn't be you to open up completely. I'd like it if we. if we'd be equals. For everything revealed by one of us, the other has to reveal something as well. To respect each other and accept when one says no. Truthfulness."
Chase waited worriedly, studying House's closed face. And then, "I think I could manage that. What about you?" asked House.
Chase nodded carefully, "I want to. I know neither of us is perfect, but I want to manage it. I. How did you know?"
"Wilson talked to me. Seems to think I deserve some happiness. And the missing chocolate bar," House answered going over to his piano and sitting down.
Chase was still wondering what to do next, when House started playing. Chase was drawn to the piano and sat down next to the older man. He recognized the song, and, without waiting to ask, Chase joined in and started playing causing House to grin, delighted to have the Australian join into one of his favourite past times.
When the song was over, House picked another, livelier one, this time waiting for Chase to accompany him. They spent the rest of the evening playing songs together, enjoying the silent companionship. To Chase it felt like the peace after a storm - a storm the like of which he hoped to never see again.
The End