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Memento Mori
"Malcolm." I laid my hand flat against my chest and stared imploringly into the uncomprehending eyes of my husband. "My name's Malcolm."
"Do I know you?" It was there, just as it was every morning, that tiny flicker in his eyes which I felt sure meant that deep down he remembered, in the core of his being Jon remembered me.
"I'm your husband." I took his hand in mine and kissed it gently, showing him the gold band on his ring finger. He nodded at me, accepting my words as he always did and I knew that I was grateful for that, for the fact that at the very
least he never fought against what I told him, even though I knew he would have forgotten it all by the next morning.
This had been our life for the past six months. Every morning waking up and reminding Jon who he was, who I was. He was still perfectly capable, this memory loss was nothing like the Alzheimer's disease that had inflicted so many during the 20th and the early part of the 21st century and every day I thanked God for that. To any stranger it would appear that nothing was wrong but I think that just made it worse, because it was at those moments when I could allow myself to see the person Jon had been that only made the reality harder to bear.
"We've got an important day today," I stepped away from the bed, reminding myself that Jon was not an invalid.
"Can you.."
"Of course." Even though Jon never doubted that I was his husband he didn't like me to see him dress. So I turned my back and tried not to think about how much this reminded me of our early relationship when Jon revealed a shy side that I hadn't expected. As our relationship had deepened the shyness had disappeared but now it was back. Every morning I stood staring at the wall while behind me Jon dressed himself.
"You want me to wear this?" There was a petulant note in his voice and I smiled. Jon hated dressing up but today as I'd told him was important so I'd laid out his dress uniform.
"Please." I listened to the sound of rustling fabric as Jon dressed and smiled. Today was supposed to be a day of smiles after all and I decided I needed the practice.
"I'm done."
I must admit I almost cried. Jon looked so perfect standing in our bedroom, so handsome in his Starfleet uniform. Officially Jon had been granted a leave of absence from Starfleet, he'd
done so much good in his career that they couldn't really have said no, not that there was ever a suggestion that they would. At first, following the decommissioning of Enterprise Jon had refused to take a desk job. I had been perfectly happy to follow Jon back into space, there was so much out there to see, but my accident had put an end to all that. It was a stupid mistake and it took me a long time to come to terms with what had happened. To add insult to injury it had happened on Earth. Jon had been trying for years to get me to go climbing with him and finally I gave in. I'm not going to go
into details, I don't remember much anyway. What I do remember is waking up in a hospital bed, Jon hovering over me and then a terrible horrible moment when I realised I couldn't feel my legs.
Determination, Jon's more than mine, fuelled in no small way by his guilt, got me back on my feet. Five months later I was able to walk into Admiral Gardiner's office so he could tell me
that I wouldn't be returning to active duty. The news shocked me and it almost resulted in the end of my relationship with Jon. Perversely I argued that Jon should go back to what I knew he loved, if ever there was a man who belonged on the bridge of a starship it's Jonathan Archer. Jon
had his own ideas. He'd take the promotion to admiral and the desk that came with it and I'd teach at the Academy, a job that Admiral Gardiner had told me about but at the time an offer that I'd ignored.
Our argument was driven by guilt on both sides and we actually separated for a while because of it. Two days later Jon was back, a bunch of flowers in one hand and a ring box in the other. He told me that if I was really adamant he would do what I wanted but first he wanted to tell me
that he loved me and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I melted.
We got married two months later and although I worried at first that our relationship wouldn't last I was happy to find that we were celebrating our five year anniversary. There were candles, champagne, fine food and a lot of sex but in the morning when I rolled over and looked into the still-sleepy eyes of my husband there were no signs of recognition of me at all.
"Now we're both old crocks," I said light-heartedly but Jon shook his head, of course he didn't remember my accident and then I threw back my head and laughed. I laughed and then I cried. Even though at the time we were sitting in
the waiting room of one of the city's foremost neurologists I cried.
"Malcolm, what's wrong?" There was real concern in Jon's voice and that just made me cry even more and even though my poor amnesiac husband had no idea what the problem was or what to say to comfort me, he still put his arms around me and held me.
No one has been able to explain why Jon went to bed absolutely fine and awoke the next morning unable to remember who I was or in fact anything that had happened to him for the past seventeen years. I've taken him to see every neurologist I can think of and not one of them has given me an answer. Most have declared themselves stumped and
have waved me out of their office, albeit with sympathetic eyes. A few suggested that it might be the result of a trauma, suffered a long time ago and only just making itself felt.
"Could this be possible?" The doctor was peering at Jon with what I felt was over familiarity.
"Only if you call injuries suffered in the line of duty trauma." I retorted rudely.
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"Malcolm?" I'd been lost in thought and Jon was looking worried.
"I don't remember you," he spoke softly and there was real regret in his voice. "But perhaps it will help if I tell you that I can see why I fell in love with you."
I looked at Jon hopefully and regretfully he shook his head. "I married you therefore I must love you." Jon smiled at me and I smiled back, a real smile this time.
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Breakfast had been eaten, the apartment tidied and we were ready to leave. My back had been paining me recently and so before we left I grabbed up my cane, I would be on my feet for a long time today and stumbling in front of Starfleet's great and good was not something I wanted to do. Jon very deliberately didn't say anything but I saw him eying the cane
mistrustfully and I wondered if that meant that even though his memory was gone, the guilt of feeling he had been responsible for my accident was still there. I almost smiled at the thought, only Jon could lose his memory but still retain
the guilt. As I closed the apartment door I found myself whispering a small prayer that today might be a good day.
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"Admiral Archer," Admiral Gardiner, who was in charge of this little shindig, held out his hand and Jon stepped forward to shake it. I watched covertly as he greeted the other dignitaries and even the film crew. Even without his memory Jon knew how to turn on the charm. I however have
never been particularly charming so I merely nodded my greeting and tried to ignore the looks I was getting. I had known that my presence here would be controversial, there were quite a few people in Starfleet who vehemently disapproved of my relationship with Jon, but I had nevertheless decided to attend, it was I felt my last chance to help Jon regain his memory.
"Commander." Admiral Gardiner finally turned to greet me and I shook his hand with relish, it was because of him that I was here. "How is he?"
"He still doesn't know who I am," I shrugged but the words spoken aloud made me want to cry.
"You think this will work?"
"It has to."
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After the decommissioning of Enterprise there had been a whole barrage of opinions as to what should happen to her. The one that had received overwhelming support and the one I knew that Jon had favoured was to turn Enterprise into a
museum. Of course bureaucratic red tape had meant that this project once conceived had subsequently taken years to come to fruition. Finally though Enterprise was ready and as her captain Jon was here to attend the official opening. Originally when the date had been set Admiral Gardiner had
contacted me to ask if Jon were really up to attending. I'd been adamant that he would. Perhaps revisiting Enterprise would be just the thing to unlock Jon's memories.
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Standing on the bridge again felt very very strange. The film crew had encouraged Jon to sit in the captain's chair and it was obvious to everyone that he was completely comfortable there, but I could tell from the look in his eyes
that he didn't really remember any of it.
"Shall we get on?" Calm and incisive Admiral Gardiner cut in, just as the film crew were thinking about asking Jon some questions. He smiled at me as the party filed from the Bridge
and I found myself warming to him. There was no need for the public at large to know about Jon's memory loss, most of Starfleet didn't know and I was afraid if the press got hold of the story they would blow it up out of all proportion as they always did.
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Being in Jon's quarters was just as strange as being on the Bridge. The people who had worked on restoring Enterprise had been meticulous in their efforts, there was even a dog basket in the corner of the room. I stared around wide-eyed and then I pushed my way through the throng to where Jon was standing, his hand resting lightly on the back of the chair he had spent so much time in. In fact I blushed as I remembered some of the things we'd done in that chair.
"This is where you kissed me for the first time," I spoke close to his ear so no one else would hear me.
I shivered as I remembered. "I wanted you to check over some weaponry data I'd been working on, but I'd forgotten how late it was." I swallowed nervously, I'd come to Jon's quarters not expecting to find him getting ready to go to bed.
"Captain, I've been mulling a few things over and I wondered if I could get your input." I'd started talking even before the door had fully opened and then I stopped. Gaping at the sight of the Captain, bare-chested, holding a mug of what looked suspiciously like warm milk. I think for a while there all higher brain functions ceased. Heushered me in and I did my best to pull myself together and to prevent my growing arousal from
showing. My usual trick of imagining Doctor Phlox naked worked like a charm as it always did and I could turn my attention beck to the Captain.
"Do you know what time it is Lieutenant?"
"No sir, I was busy working.."
"Your shift ended four hours ago." He definitely sounded disapproving and I began to back away murmuring apologies.
"Malcolm." That brought me to a standstill. Then, and I remember this all in exquisite detail, Jon took the padd from my hand and tossed it across the room. I opened my mouth to object but I never got around to it, because Jon kissed me. The sweetness of that first kiss was wonderful and I really can't describe it because if I try I'll probably end up using a lot of old clichéd phrases that just won't be able to do justice to the moment.
But before Jon could respond to my comment Commander Galbraith, a real jobsworth as far as I was concerned, had stepped forward and was ushering Jon away.
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We had now reached the corridor outside Engineering and unexpectedly a lump rose in my throat.
"Well it's about time," Trip's response to my admission that Jon and I were a couple replayed in my mind's eye. "I thought I was going to have to lock the two of you in somewhere to get you talking." I'd blushed then because immediately after that first kiss Jon and I hadn't actually done a great deal of talking.
"I'm pleased." Trip had beamed at me with that grin of his that was so impossible to resist. "Just promise me that I'll get an invite to the wedding."
Of course Trip hadn't made it to our wedding and in a tribute to the man who had been our best friend, the role of best man at our wedding had remained unfilled.
I was still lost in my own thoughts when I realised something was wrong.
"Jon?" I couldn't keep the panic I was feeling out of my voice. I managed to get to the front of the group in time to see Jon collapse. I don't know how long it was before he started to
convulse, his entire body gripped by some monumental seizure. I dropped to my knees, my cane clattering against the wall and I ignored the pain that shot up my legs and into my back. Jon was dying, that was the only thing I could think about.
"Is he okay?" The head of the film crew sounded concerned but even as he asked his question he was gesturing to his companion to film the drama.
"Get them out of here!" I growled, wishing I could shield Jon from the inquisitive stares that surrounded him.
Jon was grunting and then he cried out. The word was too indistinct to be sure but I think he called my name.
"I'm here," I touched his hair gently, trying to reassure him. Somewhere above my head a muffled conversation was carrying on but I couldn't give it enough of my attention to work out what was being said.
"Don't kill him!" Jon's entreaty caught the attention of everyone there. "Malcolm!"
I don't think I can describe the way those words made me feel.
"What is he talking about?" One of the older admirals leant towards me.
I shook my head. Jon and I had faced death together so many times.
He'd stopped convulsing and was lying so terribly still. "Please God," I prayed, "don't take him away from me."
There was a little drool on Jon's chin and I reached out to wipe it away before anyone else noticed. As I did so Jon's hand reached up and grabbed my arm. Then his eyes, his beautiful eyes opened and Jon smiled.
"Malcolm?"
"It's alright," I reassured him. "You're.. you're on Enterprise." It certainly felt strange saying those words.
"Enterprise?" Jon frowned. "But she's been decommissioned."
I almost wept at hearing Jon say that. "That's right, it's been four years now."
"Seven" Jon corrected me and I beamed at him. "I love you." His hand was so warm and his eyes so full of joy that I must admit I had forgotten that we weren't alone.
"Commander," a voice murmured and I looked up reluctantly. "Doctor Lin is here."
A diminutive woman stepped forward and despite her protestations Jon stood up.
A quick but thorough examination followed and then Doctor Lin beamed with satisfaction. "He's fine."
"Unlike me." When Jon had go to his feet I had remained kneeling on the floor. I must have done more damage to myself than I'd realised because I was unable to stand up.
"Malcolm? Is it your back?" Jon crouched down opposite me and when I saw the love and concern in his eyes I suddenly started to cry.
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Now it's my turn to look after you." There was great satisfaction in Jon's voice as he stepped round me to open the apartment door and then back again to wheel me through.
"It's good to be home." I glanced around, noting the fresh flowers that Jon had bought to welcome me home. I had undergone another operation on my back and it would be at least two weeks before I would know whether I would walk again, but I knew already that the outcome didn't matter. I had Jon and Jon had his memory back, that was all that I cared about.
"You should rest." Jon was looking concerned.
"I'll go to bed if you come too." I offered and Jon laughed, a sound so sweet that I forgot about the wheelchair and the pain. Jon and I were together and that was the only thing that counted.
The end