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Not Alone
By Dani Royer
Something about me is different. I have been affected by my new life. We all have. I no longer am who I was, nor do I ever wish to be again. It's hard. I no longer have the constant wall of training to hide behind. I'm just out there and my defenses are slowly fading away. Vulnerability on this level is something I never had to deal with before. A simple day is a struggle for me to get through.
Feelings I thought I had experienced and handled before seem to just overwhelm me. They take control and lead the way without regard for logic or reason. If I had let this happen as a Peacekeeper, I'd be dead. It's brought me close enough as it is. I must contain it. I do not want to be like I was, but I cannot continue to live this way. I'm going to end up killing myself, or one of my allies...my friends.
Never before did I care about keeping myself or anyone else alive. I would defend one of my fellow soldiers, as they would for me, but it's not like now. It would be hard for me to allow any of them to die if there is something I could do. Frell, even I could do nothing I'd still try to do something! Some forms of the Living Death are not caused by heat delirium.
This is a hard way to live. I should blame him more. I did, at first. I still do in a way, but I think I have forgave him in part. It does nobody any good for me to hold a grudge. It's not that though. He's given me a gift. for His words, *You can be more*, echo in my ears to this day. A declaration that I *will* live up to, even if I will not admit it to him.
He'll listen to me if I wish to tell him. I could never be that patient. I barely tolerate him at times and other times...well, that's where logic and reason go out the frelling airlock. We can't always blame it on the oxygen level. It's too soon to come clean. For my sake and his. I still need control of my mission, my life. As a soldier, I was trained to adapt to my battle conditions. I will adapt, but I cannot do it alone. Neither can he.
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