Work Text:
A/N: --. . .--denotes flashbacks and /. . ./ denotes writing.
Never Land
by Littlexpinch
He sat on his bed, rocking backwards and forward backwards and forwards. He shows no signs of recognition as his friend and colleague from a lifetime ago enters. He does recognise him though. But he lives in his fantasy now; reality has no place in his world.
--Two American tourists strolled through Tokyo. They wore matching hideous Hawaiian shirts. They kept in constant contact, arms draped around each other, whispering in each other's ears.--
The other man talks constantly, trying his damndest to try and elicit a response from him. It won't work. He gave up on the present and the future a very long time ago. As he once said many years ago, "Sanity is overrated."
--They lie in a crater filled meadow on a clear and starry night.
"This place could be beautiful."
"It probably was once upon a time."
"Then we came along and bombed it."
"You're beautiful."--
They pump him full of drugs everyday. Trying to make him normal again. That doesn't work either. They just make him floaty and hazy. They make the memories fade. The memories cannot fade; they are all he has. If he loses his memories of his love, all will be lost.
--Fully clothed they play a touch-teasing game. It does not last long. The sweetness fades and ardor takes its place. Clothes fly in all directions as they thrust fiercely against each other.--
They think he is crazy, and in a way they are right. He knows what reality is but he knows how much it hurts. He chooses to live in his fantasy. In his fantasy there is no pain. In his fantasy nothing can touch him.
--"Next!"
"That's the last one."
Together they walked back to the swamp where the shorter of the two collapsed on his friend and cried for the children who had died.--
He remembers his companion. They brought him in to try and bring him back. The man talks aimlessly about what has been happening to those he once knew. Sherm had a mild heart attack but is recovering well. Radar and Mary-Sue have had good rains this year; it's looking good for them. Klinger and Soon-Lee came for a visit last month. Margaret is expecting again. Charles is still a practicing surgeon. He and Peggy are doing well, he's been offered a promotion.
--"After the war, what will happen?"
"I will stay if you want."
"You can't."
"I can."
"They need you."
"So do you."--
Once upon a time he had clung desperately to his sanity. He clung to it when he left. He clung to it after the accident.. He clung to it through Korea. He only slipped once but he pulled himself together. He even clung to it when he arrived home. But then one unextraordinary day the sanity he had clung to spiraled out of his grip and he ended up here.
--They sit in a group with 3 other men. Poker seems to be the name of the game. For a change he is losing, but that is because he is not concentrating. It is hard to concentrate when his friend's foot is where it is.--
Depression. Anxiety. Stress. They blamed lots of things but never managed to get the right thing. Sidney would have but Sidney knew. He knew what did it before. He knew what would do it again. People say dreams can't hurt you, but they are wrong.
--They dragged another man's cot out into the compound. They laughed as the sky broke into a thunder storm leaving the other man to be woken by rain and the echoing thunder, blusterous anger written all over his ferret-like face.--
He was still there, still talking. His voice held a note of desperation but nothing changed. Still he rocked, backward and forwards. There was only one person who would ever be able to bring him back and they all knew it was never going to happen.
--His first time with a man. The pure and unadulterated pleasure at being inside him was too much to bear. Simultaneously they cried each other's names in the night. After a recovery nap they did again, positions reversed. Again they were one person, physically, not just mentally.--
Whispered promises from another lifetime were the only joys he had. The remembered emotions and feelings were the only things that did not hurt.
--"Never leave."
"Even if I go, I will be with you always. We are forever."
"Forever."
"Never leave you."
"Never."--
One day had changed everything. One day had stolen his sanity. One event, one message. One thing should not have that much power. One thing should not be able to take away a mind.
--He sat in the Officer's Club, enjoying a positively arid martini. Radar walked in. A smart remark died on his lips when he the young man's face.--
That day he gave up on present and future. The past was the safest place to be, the only place to be.
--"What?"
"The Aid Station has been hit."
"No."
"He died instantly."
"NO!"
"They found a letter for you though."--
Eventually even BJ left. He could no longer stand looking at the dead blue eyes that once belonged to his friend.
--He stared at the envelope. He couldn't open it, but he had to. He gently peeled back the edge. A photo, a lock of honey curls and note fell out. He picked up the snap shot, it was he and Trapper casually draped over each other. He picked up the note.
/Dearest Hawkeye.
I'll never leave you.
We are forever.
I love you.
Never forget me.
Love always
Trapper/
He sat in the swamp and cried as though he would never stop. He never did.--
Never. He would never feel his soft curls, never hear his stupid laugh, never see his lopsided, licentious grin, never inhale his distinctly Trapper smell, never taste the warmth of his mouth.
Sanity left him that day. It would never return. Trapper would never leave him though. In his mind, the whispered promises would always be real. In his mind Trapper never left.
END
A/N: How come whenever I have a bad day Trapper dies?