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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-04
Completed:
2006-08-06
Words:
2,574
Chapters:
2/2
Kudos:
15
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2
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1,898

All You Need to Have a Lunatic Asylum...

Summary:

Fandom: Xena Mary Sue
Status: Finished
Series/Sequel: Loosely tied to my other Mary Sues
Summary: A certain fanfiction writer has finally been deposited in the laughing acadamy. Certain people are amused, and not amused.
Archive: Yes
Feedback: Yes.
Disclaimer: I did not create and do not own any readily recognizable media characters. I have no agreement, legal or otherwise, with the creators or owners. This is purely for entertainment--I have not made, do not seek, and will not accept any profit for it. This story is in no way meant to reflect on the lives or life styles of the actors/actresses who originally portrayed the characters. I have nothing but fond affection and respect for them, for giving me so much entertainment, and no disrespect is meant by anything herein.
Rating: Teen
Notes: The quote is from My Man Godfrey--"All you need to have a lunatic asylum is an empty room and the right kind of people."
Submitted through the Makebelieve_YG mailing list.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter 1: Page 1

Chapter Text

All You Need to Have a Lunatic Asylum...
by Scribe

(The scene is a doctor's office in a lunatic asy-- mental health facility) (Dr. Krankenstrain is sitting behind his desk, consulting a folder) (A nurse knocks on the door, then enters)

Nurse: "Doctor, your new patient will be ready for her first consultation in a few minutes."

Doctor: "Ah, yes. That would be..." (He consults folder) (frowns) (sternly) "Nurse, someone is courting a malpractice suit. Who filled in this personal information form?"

Nurse: "That would be her. I tried to do it for her when she made an origami crane out of the first one and a paper airplane out of the second one, then I gave up and let her do it."

Doctor: "Why is her name listed as Scribe S. Scribe? Were her parents some sort of hippies?"

Nurse: "No--a Southern Baptist church lady and a good ol' boy redneck."

Doctor: "Eesh. I could have understood something like Lurleen, or Shawndee. No wonder she's in for therapy."

Nurse: "I don't think those are her LEGAL names, but when I tried to get the information from her mother, she told me to kiss off if I wasn't going to let her baby out of the nut bin, and we could expect to hear from her lawyer. Who's Walter Humphries?"

Doctor: (swallows hard) "I'm just going to hope that delusions run in the family. But that means that her family didn't commit her?"

Nurse: "No, no. The way I understand it is that there was some sort of incident with her neighbors. Apparently one of their chickens exploded after it pecked her. When they confronted her she disavowed responsibility."

Doctor: "Not unusual."

Nurse: "She claimed that it was done by the ancient Greek god of Mischief." (Doctor blinks) "Then the constable sent out to investigate vehemently questioned her veracity."

Doctor: "Um..."

Nurse: "He called her a liar."

Doctor: "And she attacked him?"

Nurse: "No. He was immediately stung by a bee, tripped and fell in a pile of manure--and the funny thing is that there's no evidence of a horse or cow withing a mile of the place--was attacted by her cat--and it's a good thing that he'd been declawed, because it was like he was trying to bury something right above that guy's kidneys... He got grass burns on his palms when he tried to get up, then had an allergic reaction to the wetnaps he'd kept in his car and used for the last month. He pinched his fingers putting the handcuffs on her, whacked his own head when he tried to put her in the back seat, and had the security grill fall on his head when he sat at the wheel. That was right before his horn, siren, flashers, strobe lights, and windshield wipers all turned on and got stuck. From what I hear the mechanics say that for some reason or other they're not going to be able to get them to stop till the battery runs down. He had four flat tires on the way to the lock up, and his seat belt stuck, forcing them to cut him out--right before the doors fell off the car."

Doctor: (gaping) "And he blames this specatacular run of bad luck on her?"

Nurse: "She was laughing like a loon. Pardon the term."

Doctor: "Insensitive, but not unnatural."

Nurse: "And she was calling out suggestions that subsequently happened. He doesn't believe that she's solely responsible, though. He's bought into the whole 'Strife did it' thing."

Doctor: "Strife?"

Nurse: "Greek god of Mischief. You've never watched Xena: Warrior Princes, have you?"

Doctor: "Is that the one with the woman who wears leather and throws a round boomerang? So she not only has delusions of mythological beings, but it's cross-polinated with a pop-camp television show? Now that must be unique."

Nurse: "You'd be surprised."

Doctor: "Perhaps the constable should..."

Nurse: "He's in the Paranoid Wing. You'll be seeing him sometime tomorrow. Look, can you go ahead and see her? You heard about that fire alarm that went off right before you came on duty?"

Doctor: "It wasn't a false alarm?"

Nurse: "She was wandering around the lounge during 'group', and the group leader snapped at her. The coffee urn caught on fire, then a water main burst and put it out.

Doctor: "Surely you don't think that she had anything to do with it?"

Nurse: "The the air conditioning unit went nuts--pardon the term--and froze the water. She wrapped herself up in an unbuckled straight jacket, grabbed a plate of cookies, and started ice skating. It looked like an old Tom and Jerry cartoon. Can I send her in? I have a suspicion that if she gets bored I might find toads and snakes in my desk drawers."

Doctor: "Sure."

Nurse: (opens the door) "Come in, please, if you don't mind, Miss Scribe."

Doctor: "I'm looking forward to this."

(Curly haired woman in sloppy hospital issued pajamas enters) (Doctor presses his palms together, watching her like she's a bug under a microscope) (His paperweight explodes)

Scribe: "You just thought something uncomplimentary about me, didn't you?"

Nurse: "Have fun." (Leaves).