SquidgeWorld Archive

Chapter Text

Scott Evil stared at his father. "You are fucking kidding me."

Dr. Evil sighed. "Scott, Daddy doesn't like it when you use foul words, so watch your fucking language."

"But seriously, you can't be serious. I know--you haven't had your caffine yet. I can get it for you. Whattaya want--coffee or Jolt?"

"I AM serious, Scott."

"You CAN'T be." He looked at Number Two, who was on his right. "He can't be." Two looked down at his plate of scrambled eggs. "Twoey?" Scott looked at his mother on the left. "Mom?"

"Let me get you some schtruedel, darlink," said Frau, getting up. "It vill calm your nerves."

"Not unless you've improved the recipe by adding something along the lines of Demerol, it won't." Scott pointed a spoon at the bowl of Count Chockula that he'd been in the process of scarffing when Dr. Evil had dropped his latest bombshell. "Not even you would lay something like that on me during breakfast." Dr. Evil picked up a knife and fork and began to cut up his own breakfast (a scrambled egg, cheese, and sausage Breakfast Hot Pocket, shockingly enough.) "Oh, for... It's FINGER FOOD, Dad."

"Look, if I want to exercise my inherent dignity it's none of your business, Mister 'I Drink the Flavored Milk When I'm Done With My Cereal.' As I was saying, I'm not joking. You will enroll in some institute of higher learning by the end of summer, or face dire consequences."

"It's almost the end of August. You might have mentioned this a little earlier." Dr. Evil shrugged. Mini Me, sitting in a high chair next to him, giggled. Scott pointed at him. "Shut up or I'll hang you from the ceiling fan by your shorts--again. I can't even go through my collection of brouchures in the time I have left. How on earth do you expect me to be approved by any school worth going to?"

"Now Scott, you have standing acceptance at a number of fine institutions..."

"The University of Wicked Genius, Machiavelli U, Comprehensive College of World Domination, Sinister Agricultural, and Global Grab Tech? Like I said--nothing worth going to."

"I thought that Sinister Agricultural was nice. Very rural."

"It's in the Australian Outback. Kangaroos think it's too much of a commute. Look, I know I've been dragging my heels about going to college, but I'm going to, I'm going to. The chance to get into a fraternity is too much to pass up. Just give me a few months, and I can start off somewhere in the spring semester."

"No. It's time to shoot or get off the pit..." Mini Me leaned over and whispered in his ear. "What?" Mini Me whispered again. "Are you sure about that?" The clone nodded. "I can't say that at the table. It's just gross." He cleared his throat and looked at Scott sternly. "It's time for you to get off your duff and start to do something with your life. There are things that are more important in life than playing video games, drinking beer, watching naughty movies, and having sex."

"Name one."

Frau said softly, "Making your mutter happy?" Scott turned wounded eyes on her. "I'm sorry, schatzie, but you know zat I only vant you to be happy. Knowledge is power..." her eyes almost glowed with fanatic zeal, "Und power is happiness!"

"Mom, I love you--but sometimes you scare me." Scott looked at Number Two. "Do you have anything to say about this."

Number Two cleared his throat. "Though you try to disguise the fact, Scott, you have a keen mind, and a mind is a terrible thing to waste..."

"STUCK IN A FREAKIN' PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!" Scott folded his arms, tucking his chin stubbornly. "Ain't gonna do it. I'm over eighteen. You can't make me."

"No," said Dr. Evil calmly. "But I can now legally toss you out on your behind and let you support yourself." Scott gaped at him. "Or I could also make sure that it appears that you're only sixteen or seventeen, and then have you committed... I mean enrolled in an establishment that specializes in troubled teens."

"You wouldn't."

"I know of places that make the College of Megalomaniac Machinations~ look like Berkley in the sixties."

"I do not BELIEVE you!" Scott jumped up and stomped out of the kitchen.

Dr. Evil called after him, "Start thinking about your major. Political science might be good. Then you can help me rule when I take over the world, and that's rude."

Number Two glanced at him curiously. "He didn't say anything."

"No, but he popped the rod at me, didn't he?"

"Um... yes."

"I may not like the boy, but I know him."

Frau hurried after Scott. "Scott, darlink, vait!" She caught up with him down the corridor. "Oh, don't be upset." She looked around. "Come outside, mein kinder. Your fazzer has bugs and cameras in ze oddest places."

They were close to one of the exits, so they climbed up the metal ladder on the wall. Scott went first, and held the trap door for his mother, then shut it. It was 'concealed' by the fakest looking plastic cactus Scott had ever seen. Early artificial Christmas trees had looked more natural. "Okay, Mom. What's the good news?"

Frau pinched his cheek. "I sink I haff a vay of helping you go somevhere zat you'll find interesting. How vould you like to attend school abroad?"

Scott considered this. "Where abroad?"

"Does it matter so much?"

"Yeah, it does. There's a honkin' great difference between Tahiti and the Bavarian Alps."

Frau sighed. "I'm afraid zat the European choice is out of ze question, schatz. I vanted so much to have you attend Durmstrang Institute, but I'm afraid zat they do not accept Muggle born students. I haff good bloodlines, even if I am a squib, but your fazzer..." She shrugged.

Scott stared at her. "Mom, I'd say that you just started speaking a foreign language, but I know that the only one you're fluent in is German, that that wasn't it. Three things--Durmstrang, Muggle, and squib?"

"Vell, a Muggle is a plain human, non-magical."

"That's dad, all right. He's about as non-magical as you can get."

"A squib is somevun who vas born of wizarding stock, but for some reason has no, or negligible, magic. I fit zat description. I vas a great disappointment to mein own family."

Scott softened, hugging her. "I guess that would sorta explain the Nazism. Goin' gor perfection some other way, huh?"

Frau pinched his cheek. "Such a perceptive child."

"But Mom, you don't honestly mean that you believe in..." he snickered, "actual magic?"

"You should, darlink. Don't be so skeptical."

"As many times as I've seen Siegried and Roy? As many Penn and Teller 'hey, look, it's all TRICKS' specials as I've seen? I'm sorry, but I'd need compelling proof."

"You may very well get it, if mein hopes come true. Zat has to do vith the last thing you asked about--Durmstrang Institute. Zat is the wizarding school zat was closest to mein homeland. I burned to attend, but..." she sighed.

Scott hugged her again. "Don't get yourself down, Mom. But if this Durn Strange place doesn't take plain vanilla..." He snorted with laughter. "I'm sorry. I can't apply the term 'plain vanilla' to myself with a straight face. But if they don't accept plain old Muggle born people, what's the point?"

Frau held up a finger. "Ah, but it is not ze ONLY school of vizarding! First I tried ze closest school--La Petite Emeraud up around ze Canadian border, but admissions vas closed. Still I haff put in your application vith bose Beaubatton and Hogwarts."

Scott clapped a hand across his forehead, but all he realized that Frau was pinning her hopes on this, and he DID need an alternative to his father's choices. Right about now he was willing to consider anywhere, including Bible College or a work-study program in a high security Mexican prison. "Okay, I'm willing to consider it. We don't have much time, though."

"I contacted zem a veek ago. We should hear from zem..." A large bird with round, bright orange eyes swooped down, giving the fake cactus a look of disdain in passing, and roosted on a nearby rock. "right about now."

Scott gaped. "That's a European Eagle owl!" he exclaimed. "It's WAAAAY out of it's natural habitat. Was there some big ass storm I didn't hear about that might have blown it clear out here?" The owl hooted, and stood on one leg, waving the other one. There was a metal capsul about half as big as a cigar tube strapped to his leg. "Mom! It's a homing owl!"

"No, just a messenger."

Frau went to the bird, and Scott squawked, "MOM! Don't try to touch it. Check the talons. Check the beak. Check the fact that it's officially called a 'raptor', and you KNOW what those bastards did in Jurassic Park."

"Calm down, schatzie." Frau leaned over, stroked the owl on the head, and removed the tube. The owl hooted again, and launched itself into the air, flapping away briskly. "Oh, schiest."

"What is it?"

"He didn't vait for an answer. I'm afraid it isn't good news." She opened the tube and took out a rolled piece of paper. Opening it, she scanned it, then shook her head. "We regret to inform you zat ve haff already reached our limit on new students. In addition, the information you provided indicated that the prospective student is already far beyond the usual age of acceptance. While we do occasionally take older students, the fact that he was raised in a Muggle environment..." Scott flushed, balling the paper up. "I think I just got dissed. 'Snotty' just sort of ROLLED off that thing."

"I can't say I'm surprised. Beaubatton has always been a bit elitist."

*And this is a Nazi saying that. They MUST be exclusive.* Another bird was winging it's way toward them--this one much smaller. Scott pointed. "Don't give up hope, Mom. Here comes the second chance." *And I guess that pretty much clinches it that I'm going if I'm accepted. I have no problem with going out of my way to be a slacker and piss Dad off, but not Mom.*

The owl landed in the exact same spot that the other one had, and did just as it had--hooting and offering a message tube. "I'm afraid to look," said Frau. "You check, Scott."

"Okay." He sidled toward the owl. "Um... Hey." It hooted. "I'm gonna take the message. That's my hand--not prey, okay?" The owl hooted again, waving its clawed foot impatiently as if to say, 'Yeah, right, get on with it. I have things to do.' Scott carefully untied the tube, then said, "Thanks. Look, if you want to stick around for a little while, I happen to know that there's a desert rat community over that way." The owl looked interested, and took off in the direction Scott had indicated.

Scott opened the tube and took out the rolled paper. He glanced at Frau, who was watching him anxiously. "Mom, it'll be okay. If this isn't an acceptance, I'll go hide out with Austin till I can get into a decent school close to home." He took a deep breath and unrolled the paper, beginning to read. "Dear Madam. Your application for your son's placement at Hogwarts was a welcome surprise. We have been interested for some time in attracting foreign students in order to give our student body a wider range of experience. Since we know that the American relation with Muggles is more relaxed than our own, we hope that your son, if he attends, will be able to provide our students with some insights. While it seems that Scott is older than most of our students, we can make special considerations because of his unique situation. This is, of course, dependent on whether or not he has any magical ability. He will have to be tested, and if he passes, we shall welcome him to Hogwarts. Please send us, via return owl, a convenient time for one of our professors to visit. He or she will arrive by floo at the appointed time, administer a few tests, and make a judgement on whether or not Scott will be taken as a student. I'm looking forward to meeting the young man. Yours sincerely, Albus Dumbledor, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizarding.' Whoa. And I thought I'd run into some funky names with the people Austin hangs around with." He grinned at a beaming Frau. "Well, it looks like my foot's at least in the door."

Frau hugged Scott enthusiastically. "I'm so proud."

"Hey, I haven't made it yet."

Frau hugged Scott again, more gently this time. Her eyes were soft as she said, "But I'm always proud of you, schatzie." They broke apart at the same time, each turning away to hastily wipe at the corners of their eyes. "Now," said Frau, pulling a small notebook and pen out of her jacket pocket. "Zis should really be on parchment, but I don't feel like going all ze way back to my room. I vant to get zis in the air IMMEDIATELY." She started writing. "Dear Headmaster Dumbledor, Thank you so much! If it is convenient, we will be happy to receive the professor in the library, the Evil Lair, outside Las Vegas, Nevada. Seven o'clock in, Central Time, the evening of next Friday would be ideal. Thank you again..." She signed off. "And I hope zat your fazzer is distracted enough so zat I don't haff to explain why I'm building a fire in August."

The owl came back, flapping heavily. It landed on the rock, then looked at them, almost seeming to smile. *burp* "Glad you liked it, dude." Scott inserted the paper into the tube, then tied it to the owl's leg again. He stroked the bird's head. "Why don'tcha just chill for a little while and let that settle?" The bird bounced p and down a little, as if nodding. "Great. Hang on and I'll bring you some water, okay?" He leaned over. "And maybe some of those strawberries that Dad has been hiding amongst the broccoli, so that I wouldn't find them."

Scott and Frau started back down into the Lair. "So, I'm gonna be weighed in the balance, eh? Maybe I oughtta go visit some websites, watch some videos. Lessee... Charmed, The Craft, David Copperfield, Kriss Angel..."

TBC