SquidgeWorld Archive

I haven't really talked to Ellie since that day in the diner. We work together, sure, so it's kind of hard for us to avoid one another completely. When we do have to work on a case it's not the same anymore, though. Not that I blame her; there's no one to blame, really, it's just one of those things that happen. I guess she'd probably try to say it's Mike's fault, but how could he have known she was going to walk in and see us together? He didn't even know I'd be there that morning.

Maybe it's my fault.

I knew from the beginning that if Mike and Ellie got together that it would be more complicated than his usual flings. Not that we have any kind of commitment, it's not like that. But I wasn't going to stand by and watch him date some girl, keep her completely in the dark and sneak around behind her back with him. Especially not somebody I care about, I mean Ellie and I are friends and I didn't want to hurt her that way. That's the only reason I went to see Mike that morning, I wasn't planning to ask him to give her up or to tell her the truth about him and me. I went over there to tell him it was over, that I wasn't gonna sleep with him anymore. It was as simple as that - at least it should have been.

If I'd just said what I had to say and then left she never would have found us together, but Mike has the way of...I don't know, making me believe this time's gonna be different. Every time I buy into his promises it makes me feel like a little more of a loser, but I still fall for them every time. I guess that's what happens when you want something too much, or else I truly am as pathetic as Ellie accused me of being. That's the main reason I keep pretending, I date every once in awhile just to keep the rumors from getting too loud again. Hell, I even took out a stupid personal ad and look what happened. I'm starting to wonder if I did something wrong in a former life that I'm paying for now. Or maybe God does exist and he really does hate gay people. Wouldn't Mike get a kick out of that.

So Ellie thinks I'm pathetic, I guess I can't really blame her. I mean look at the facts - all that time Mike was gone, when he went off to write his stupid bestseller...I had all that time to get over him. Years - I had years to get him out of my system and I couldn't do it. It wasn't just sex, either, because it's not like I haven't had sex since him. Okay, I haven't had much sex since he left, but this is a small town and people talk. And anyway the few times I've met somebody discreet enough to take to bed it just hasn't been the same.

How's that for pathetic? The whole time I'm with somebody else, all I can think about is that it's not Mike. I guarantee he didn't spend his years away from Glory pining for me, if that was true he knew exactly where to find me. He says he needed the distance to write the book, that he needed to 'separate myself from the people that inspired the characters' or whatever. If you ask me that's just another way for Mike to get out of taking the blame for trying to ruin all our lives.

I was pissed when he first showed up again; I mean seriously pissed, like I was just looking for a reason to accidentally shoot him. I might never get over him if he was dead, but I'm not doing such a good job while he's alive so what would be the difference? Anyway I was determined not to let him talk himself back into my life this time. When he came back to town I promised myself things were gonna be different; I was the sheriff now, I had a high profile job and I wasn't gonna let Mike drag me down with him. No matter how good he looked with his hair grown out or what those blue eyes did to my knees every time he looked at me.

What's that scripture verse? Something about the soul being willing but the flesh being weak. Yeah, that's me all over. Me and Jesus, only I think he did a little better with the whole resisting temptation thing. I'd like to be able to say I put up a bigger struggle, that I told him to go to hell and made him grovel and beg for forgiveness and promise never to take me for granted again before I took him back. Yeah, I'd like to be able to say that.

Needless to say it didn't take long for me to fold like a house of cards, and as soon as he saw his opening Mike took it. He didn't even have to try, not really. I mean here's a guy that tried to out me to the free world, and all he does is smile and tell me he didn't mean anything by it and I cave. And I can't even blame him for taking me for granted because I let him. I let him make an idiot of me in his stupid book, I let him sleep around and still come crawling back to me the same way he did in high school, and I never say anything about it because I already know he won't give me what I want. I know that if I told him I wanted him to stop seeing other people he'd try, he'd maybe take a week or two off of chasing every new skirt that happens to catch his eye. Then he'd get bored again or something would happen, he'd get caught up in the thrill of the chase and he'd forget all about what I want.

So I don't ask, because I know he won't commit. I don't even know if it would be fair to ask him, because it's not like we can hold hands when we're out in public or kiss goodbye in front of the neighbors. It's not like I wanted this life, I didn't choose to feel the way I do about him and I sure as hell wouldn't have picked Mike Dolan. But I love Glory and I love my job, and I don't want to give it up for something that would only last as long as Mike's attention span.

I think he knows I love him. He has to, doesn't he? I mean I've never actually said it, when I said it to Ellie that was the first time I'd ever admitted it out loud. I've thought about telling him a few times, but if I say it out loud and it freaks him out then I lose even the little of him I've got. Anyway it doesn't matter that I haven't said it, because he already knows. There's no way he couldn't, if he didn't there's no way he would have been so sure we could just pick up right where we left off when he got back to town. Oh, he put on a little show of apologizing and asking me how he could make it up to me, but he knew I'd fold before he even saw me again.

Maybe Ellie's right, maybe I do deserve better. Everybody does, though, don't they? I mean I can't think of one person that's truly happy with what they've got, everybody I know is looking for something else. So I figure I'm not doing so bad, at least I've got part of what I want. I can put up with the occasional fling with some girl that's passing through town, as long as I don't have to see them together or see her around afterwards it's not that hard to forget it once it's over. Ellie, though...that was a different story. I mean she's my friend, not to mention somebody I work with. And the worst part was that Mike really did have a thing for her; he wouldn't admit it, but it was obvious just by the way they talked to each other.

That's why I decided to end things between us. I can live without Mike, I've done it before and it didn't kill me. I wasn't sure how easy it would be when he was around all the time, but I knew I couldn't look Ellie in the eye at the office if I kept sleeping with him while she was falling for him. So I went over there and I told him it was over. I was direct, I was to the point, I even had on my uniform just to make things a little more official. I was laying down the law, and that was just how it was gonna be from now on. I still remember exactly what I said to him: "I'm done, Mike. I'm not gonna share you with Ellie, I can't do that to her."

See, I didn't even make it about me. I made sure he understood that I was doing this for Ellie, because I didn't want her getting hurt. He believed it, too, I could see it in his eyes. His response was classic Mike, not that I expected any less. First he just looked kinda sad, like maybe I'd just told him that his dog got hit by a car. Then he tried to tell me that things with Ellie weren't serious, that he was just having a little fun. I wanted to believe him; God, I wanted to believe him so bad that I made myself forget for a second that Ellie was my friend and that we all had to live in the same town and see each other practically every day.

I mean here's a guy that I've loved since I knew what love meant, and I was trying to be all noble about dumping him for cheating on me. And the funniest thing - or maybe this is just the most pathetic thing - was that it took the girl he was sleeping with to point out to me that what he was doing was cheating. I mean not really, we never really set any rules. We've just been dancing around the subject for so long that it all sort of happened without anybody ever planning for it. Still, when she said I deserved better it made me think for the first time, or at least it was the first time I let myself think about it.

The sad part is that when I told him I wanted out he actually looked sad for a minute, like it made a difference to anything other than his sex drive if I walked out of his life. And I fell for it, as usual, because as soon as he said that Ellie didn't mean anything to him I knew I wasn't going to walk away. I'm not a complete moron, I knew it was a lie. I guess those little lies are what I'm always looking for with him, though. They give me just enough hope to keep me coming back for more, like someday when he says he's gonna do whatever it takes to keep me in his life he'll actually mean it. It's not enough for him to use my attraction to him against me, either; he has to use our friendship too. All he has to do is call me his best friend and tell me he needs me in his life and I fold.

When Ellie showed up that morning that was exactly what happened; it started with me telling Mike I wouldn't do that to her, and ended with him telling me I was his best friend and he couldn't just let me walk back out of his life. Like he wasn't the one that walked out of my life when he went off to become The Great Mike Dolan, world famous hack writer. I fell for it, though, because when he reached for me I didn't back away. I wouldn't look at him at first, I was trying to be strong and I knew one look in those eyes and it would all be over. The problem is that he knows me better than I know myself, because all he had to do was put his hand on my chin and tilt my head up and less than a second later we were kissing.

Sometimes I think it's the kissing that keeps me coming back for more. I mean sex I could get, not as easily maybe but if I made any kind of effort I could have a decent sex life without Mike in it. Like I said before, though, it's just not the same, because when Mike kisses me it's like there's nobody else in the world. He has this way of making me feel like I'm all he ever thinks about when we're apart, like he can't get through a day without knowing that I'm gonna be there at the end of it. I know it's all bullshit, because he did just fine all those years he left town and never even called. Not to mention the whole sleeping around thing.

Anyway, the point is that I fell for it again that morning, and it's probably a good thing Ellie showed up when she did instead of twenty minutes later or she would have seen a lot more than kissing. I was supposed to be at the station, but when I'm with him I don't even think about stuff like that. I swear aliens could land in the town square and I wouldn't care if I was with him. That probably doesn't say a lot for my qualifications as sheriff, but what the citizens of Glory don't know won't hurt my career. And anyway what they think they know thanks to Mike's book already did enough damage, I'm guessing even if Ellie took out an ad in the paper telling everyone what she walked in on no one would be surprised.

I felt bad that she had to find out that way; well, if it was up to me she wouldn't have found out at all, but if she had to find out it would have been better if we'd just told her. She is supposed to be our friend, after all, and I knew she had a thing for Mike. I guess I just didn't want to deal with it, because thinking about her and Mike meant facing the fact that someday I was gonna lose him to one of his flings. Someday Mike would actually fall in love, and that would be the end of everything we'd ever had. Granted he's got a lot of issues so I wasn't expecting it to happen soon, but Ellie was as close as he'd ever gotten and that was what worried me.

He ran after her when she took off, it was hard to let him go but there wasn't much I could do about it. Besides, she deserved an explanation, although when he came back a few minutes later I found out that she didn't want one. Not then, anyway, and as far as I know he hasn't tried to talk to her since. I'm not sure if he did that for my sake or because he was scared of what she'd do to him if he got within arm's reach of her. Something tells me it's the latter, because I've never known him to stop long enough to think about how I feel before. So I gave her a few days to cool off, then I talked to her myself. She hadn't told anybody by then so I pretty much figured she wouldn't, but I figured I at least owed her an apology for lying to her.

She took it a lot better than I thought she would, and even though Mike still won't go near her I think he was pretty impressed with how well she took it too. I didn't tell him what she said about him not being good enough for me. I don't know why, maybe he should know what this looks like from the outside. The thing is I'd really never thought about it that way before, so I guess I just kept my mouth shut until I decided whether or not she was right. I mean I've loved him for as long as I can remember, he was my first everything pretty much and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to just walk away from that.

I told him he should try to talk to her. I don't know, maybe I was hoping that she'd tell him all the things she said to me. Maybe if he heard it from somebody else...but I know better than to start hoping things are gonna change between us just because we got caught. I'm still the sheriff, and I still have a responsibility to Glory. So no matter what Ellie says to him nothing's gonna change between us. Besides, he won't even talk to her, he keeps telling me the same thing every time I suggest it.

"What good will it do, Rudy? I told you I'd stop seeing her, this wasn't how I planned on ending it but it's over so what's the point of dragging it out?"

I still flinch every time he says 'I told you I'd stop seeing her'. Like I demanded that he end things with her, like I'm on some jealousy trip. Yeah, okay, maybe a little, but I never told him to choose. All I said was that I wasn't going to do that to Ellie, he was the one that said he'd end it. I've gotta admit, though, when he first said that he'd end things with her to keep me in his life it felt good. For a few seconds it felt like he actually cared about me - about us -- but then Ellie showed up and everything fell apart again.

"You guys were friends, Mike." That's what I always tell him when he asks me what the point is in trying to make up with her. The funny thing is that part of me wants to keep him as far away from her as possible, but I've seen Ellie around the station and I know from talking to her at the diner that she's hurt by all of this. So even if it means taking the chance that he'll see her again and decide he made the wrong choice, I can't just keep him away from her. Glory's not that big a town.

"Were. Operative word," he always reminds me. We've practically got the damn conversation scripted now, I mean it's to the point where we don't even have to say the words anymore. I don't know why I bother wasting my breath, because it always ends the same way. I make a few lame arguments in favor of him patching things up with Ellie, he tells me he doesn't want to talk about it and then he distracts me using whatever means necessary.

Thankfully the only time the subject comes up is when we're alone at my place, because if he tried distracting me from the conversation in public our little secret wouldn't be so secret anymore. I can't help it, though, I've been a sucker for Mike's wounded puppy expression since I was fourteen years old. Maybe even before that, who knows. The point is he learned a long time ago how to play me, and it's been his favorite pastime ever since. One look from him and I'm practically falling over myself trying to make him happy, forget him actually touching me. I know how pathetic it is, I didn't need Ellie to tell me. It's not like I feel good about it or anything.

The thing is that ever since that day in the diner I haven't been able to stop thinking about what she said. Normally I would have been in heaven the past week or so, having Mike all to myself and not having to worry about the day he finally decides he's in love with Ellie. He's been at my place even more than usual, I don't know if he thinks he's making something up to me or if he just doesn't want to deal with the world. Any other time I wouldn't even care, in fact until I talked to Ellie I was just enjoying the fact that he was all mine again.

As soon as she told me she felt sorry for me, though...I don't know, something just clicked. It was like a light went on in my brain that had been burned out for so long I'd forgotten it was even there. I mean yeah, nobody likes to be pitied so there was that, but it was more than just Ellie more or less calling me pathetic. It was the way she said it, like she wasn't sorry for me that I let Mike use me. More like she was sorry for me that I didn't want more for myself, like I was selling myself short letting him treat me the way he does. I started to tell her that it's not like that when we're alone together, but I stopped myself before I made her feel any worse than she already did. Besides, I got the feeling she wouldn't buy it anyway, and I didn't think I could sit through much more of her lecturing me on self-respect.

Mike keeps asking me what's wrong, then when I tell him nothing he tells me that I don't have to worry about Ellie saying anything. I guess he figures I'm worried that she's gonna out us both to the whole town, maybe he's used to women wanting revenge on him or something. I know Ellie better than that, even if he thinks she'd do that to him I know she wouldn't do it to me. Or maybe I just want to believe that, I don't know. The point is that he's all wrong about what's distracting me, but it's not like I can just come right out and tell him. He gave me what I wanted when he said he'd stop seeing Ellie, so how am I supposed to tell him that it's not enough anymore? I mean he didn't actually have to end things with her so he got off easy, but he's right about the fact that it's still over.

I got what I wanted - Mike, all to myself, without any annoying questions about when it's all gonna end. He's spent practically every night at my place since Ellie caught us together, I don't know how he explains it to his mom but I don't ask. The point is that he's here, and the less reality I bring up the less time I spend thinking about all the reasons this can't go on forever. For now, though, he's stretched out in my bed, and with those blue eyes closed he looks almost harmless. I don't even know how long I've been sitting here watching him sleep, all I know is that the minute he opens those eyes and looks at me I'm gonna lose it all over again. It happens every time, even after all these years.

I'm still staring at him when he stretches and reaches over to my side of the bed, and I can't help smiling a little at the confused look on his face when he figures out I'm not there. Then he rolls over and looks at me, and everything I'd started to figure out about what Ellie said to me is gone in a second. For awhile he just lies there and stares back at me, propped up on his elbows with his hair falling over his forehead. "What are you doing?" he asks, and for a second he almost looks scared. It's weird the things you can get yourself to see when you want something bad enough.

"Couldn't sleep," I answer. It's as much of the truth as he's getting and he knows it, because he sighs and lets it go.

"Come back to bed." It's not a request, he doesn't even wait to see if I get up before he falls back against his pillow again. I shake my head and give in just like he knows I will, letting him pull me close and losing myself in his kiss so I don't have to think about what happens when he gets tired of playing house with me. I don't even think about telling him no, I'm not sure I could.