SquidgeWorld Archive

I never saw it until after. I guess it's my fault, it was written all over his face every time they were together. Maybe I just didn't want to see it, I don't know, but the part of me that still thinks of him as my best friend feels like I let him down somehow.

Don't get me wrong, I was seriously pissed when I first found out. I was mad enough to want to rip both their faces off, I was furious with Mike for flirting with me and even madder at Rudy for not just telling me what was going on. Mike I can see lying to me, he's the kind of guy that never really commits to anything so maybe he was just killing time. I never expected Rudy to lie to me, though; of all the people in my life I always thought I could count on him to tell me the truth.

I'm not really sure if it counts as lying, though, because the truth is that whatever's between them goes back a lot further than my friendship with either of them. I didn't know it at the time - sure, I knew they'd been best friends forever and I always felt a little like the third wheel when we were all together - but their relationship was a lot more complicated than anybody suspected.

If I hadn't fallen for Mike it wouldn't have been so hard to find them together, if we were still back in the flirting stages maybe I could have just cut my losses and gone back to my little routine. There was a reason I didn't let people in, after all, and Mike's the best example of that I can think of. I don't think anybody sets out to fall in love with a guy like him, but there's really no way to avoid it. Maybe it's the puppy dog eyes, or the boyish grin or the hapless way he muddles through life. Either way I didn't have a prayer, and I'm guessing Rudy didn't either.

The funny thing is that if I hadn't started sleeping with Mike I still wouldn't know. We'd still be dancing around a relationship, going back and forth between attraction and wanting to kill each other. I knew sleeping with him was a bad idea, but let's face it, it had been awhile and it's not like we get a lot of fresh meat in Glory. So I guess you could say he wore me down, although that's the part I don't understand. He chased me, I mean it wasn't like I made it that hard but now that I know the truth I can't figure out why he bothered. Maybe it was just the chase, maybe it didn't have anything to do with me. But as much as it hurts to know that he never really cared about me, I think Rudy feels even worse than I do.

I couldn't even tell you how we started sleeping together; we'd been going back and forth about it for so long that it just seemed like another step in our relationship. Not that the sex wasn't good - I mean it wasn't magic or anything, but it was nice. My only complaint at the time was that he never really seemed to be totally there, like there was something else on his mind. At the time I figured it was his fear of commitment gnawing at him. Now, of course, I know that the truth was that his conscience was nagging at him for cheating on both of us.

The first time we had sex we were at my place, it was one of those 'show up in the middle of the night to confront our sexual tension' games that he liked to play. I was beyond tired, we'd just wrapped up a major murder investigation and somehow I always let Rudy drag me deeper into these things than a coroner really needs to be. I mean my job is basically to find the cause of death, once that mystery's solved I'm done. At least I'm supposed to be, but Rudy has a way of making people want to help him. Maybe that's what Mike sees in him, I don't know. I don't think I want to ask, to tell you the truth.

Anyway that night when Mike showed up I just wasn't interested in dancing around our commitment issues, so I told him it was now or never. Just like that, either he put up or shut up and left me alone. I don't know if he was too shocked to walk away or if he was just relieved to get a straight answer for once, but either way we ended up in my bed. It certainly wasn't graceful, but at the time I didn't really care. Part of me just wanted to get it over with, you know?

We were together a few times before I found out the truth. Every time he'd show up at my place and we'd just fall into bed together, until the last time. He actually took me out that night, bought me dinner and asked me about my day like we were dating or something. I mean I guess as far as everyone in town was concerned we were. It's weird what you start to believe just because everyone around you thinks it's true. We even saw Rudy that night, he was at the diner and he sat down with us for a few minutes. As soon as he figured out it was sort of a date he got this weird look on his face and left really fast, he made up some excuse that at the time I didn't think twice about. Thinking back I should have seen the hurt in his eyes, but it was the same way he always looked at Mike so I didn't think anything of it.

To tell you the truth I was terrified to get involved with Mike, that's why I fought the attraction for so long. I didn't want to fall for somebody that had as big a problem with commitment as me, and I knew if he broke my heart it would be worse than any break-up I'd ever been through. So I knew it was coming, I just didn't expect it to happen so fast. I was sitting right here in this booth on the morning I found out; Sam and Mrs. Dolan came into the diner, they both smiled and said hello to me before Sam picked up some food from Zane. I overheard them talking about heading out of town for the day, I didn't catch where they were going but Mrs. Dolan called it a girls' day and mentioned picking up Sara on the way out of town.

Right away I thought of Mike. It was the beginning of a new relationship, so it wasn't so surprising that I was thinking about him pretty much all the time. I didn't even think about it before I went over to his house, I just wanted to surprise him. When I knocked and didn't get an answer I probably should have realized something was up, but I figured maybe he was just in the shower or something. This is Glory so I wasn't surprised to find the door unlocked, I didn't think he'd mind if I let myself in. He was supposed to be my boyfriend, after all, so he should have been happy to see me.

I definitely wasn't prepared for what I found when I got to his room.

Like I said, maybe I should have known. Maybe I should have been able to tell by the way Rudy looked at Mike, or the way Mike gave Rudy such a hard time every time he tried to date. The truth is there were a million little clues, but until I saw it with my own eyes I had no idea what I was supposed to be looking for. Their relationship has always been a little strange, people around town have told me stories about the two of them growing up. I figured it was just because of the book, though, people believing what they wanted to believe about Rudy and the reason Mike made him gay in his novel.

That's the thing I really don't understand, because if I were Rudy I don't think Mike would still be living after that stuff he wrote. Rudy forgave him for it, though, but that's Rudy for you. I guess that makes him a pushover or a wuss or whatever you want to call him, but I think it all comes down to how he feels about Mike. I mean they've got years of history, maybe that's enough to get over Mike more or less outing him to the entire world. Maybe it's just because Rudy understands Mike better than anybody, even his own family. It would be hard for anyone to spend that much time with another person and not understand them, though, especially with the bond they've got.

I don't think they knew I was there at first. If I hadn't tripped and nearly knocked over the table in the hallway they might never have known I was there, but the sight of them kissing threw me. I've never been very good at that whole Cloak and Dagger thing Mike and Rudy seem to enjoy so much, maybe it's a guy thing. The point is that I didn't exactly make a graceful exit, and even when Mike tried to follow me I kept going. I don't know if he wanted to explain or just ask me not to say anything, I didn't stop long enough to find out. I still haven't talked to him, he hasn't tried again since that day and I have no idea what I'd say to him even if he did.

I've had a couple days to come to terms with it, I mean if that's even possible. It's weird, I remember the way they were standing when I walked in, their arms around each other and their mouths pressed together. And the thing is they looked...I don't know...right somehow, like they belonged together. I think that bothers me more than anything, because it was so hard for Mike and me. He tried so hard to wear me down when he had the right person the whole time, but he doesn't see it. I still don't think he sees what he's got, and knowing Mike maybe he never will. Maybe Rudy hasn't even told him the whole truth, maybe he figures it won't do him any good.

By some stroke of luck nobody's died in the past few days, so I haven't had to face Rudy either. He saw me first that morning, he was the one that looked over at me and tensed when he realized I was standing there. The funny thing is that Mike was so focused on Rudy that he didn't even notice me until Rudy pulled away from him, and all I keep thinking about is the misery in Rudy's eyes when Mike let go of him to follow me.

"Ellie."

The sound of my name startles me out of my memories of that morning, but I'd recognize that voice anywhere and I'm not sure I can look up. He still sounds so gentle, so sensitive but strong at the same time. I don't know how he does it, but I'm starting to see that there's a lot more to Rudy than I ever gave him credit for. Finally I force myself to look up and meet his gaze, trying and I'm sure failing to keep the sense of betrayal out of my expression.

"Can I...?" He gestures toward the seat across from me, his sheriff's hat in his hands as he waits for me to tell him it's okay to sit down. He's in his uniform, and I can't help thinking the same way I always do that he looks like a little kid playing dress-up with his dad's clothes.

I nod in the direction of the bench and wait for him to sit down, keeping my eyes locked on his hat as he sets it on the table. I'm not sure what he wants, but I'm pretty sure that somewhere in whatever speech he's got prepared will be an apology and that's the last thing I want. Not from him, anyway. Okay, so I was mad at him for not telling me, but I got over it once I started thinking about how hard this must be for him.

"Look, Ellie," he says, but I don't look up yet. I'm not sure if I want to make this easier for him or not, I'm not sure that's even possible. He sighs and folds his hands in front of him on the table and I wonder how he can be so calm. I mean I was only sleeping with Mike for a couple weeks and I wouldn't mind seeing him gutted and hung in the town square. Who knows how long Rudy's been putting up with this.

"How do you do it?" I ask, keeping my voice low even though the diner's pretty much deserted. When I meet his gaze he looked surprised, and I watch his guard go up instantly. I realize too late that he thinks I'm blaming him, so I shake my head and start over. "No, I don't mean 'how do you live with yourself?'. I mean how do you put up with him?"

Now he looks really surprised, but I watch his shoulders relax a little and then he almost smiles. "I don't have a choice."

When my brain instantly starts dreaming up bad movie plots about Mike blackmailing Rudy into staying with him I shake my head, making a mental note to stop watching so many late movies. "Of course you do, Rudy. We always have choices, it's one of the perks of having free will. You don't have to put up with his shit."

He gives me an indulgent smile, like I'm a little kid that just told him people could fly if they just believe hard enough. "I love him. It's not that easy."

I don't know whether to feel sorry for him for being so naïve or be mad at him for letting me get involved with Mike knowing what he knew. Finally I shake my head and lean back in the booth, telling myself I'm going to stop trying to understand the two of them. I know I won't, but it makes me feel better for a few seconds to lie to myself. "How can you love somebody that treats you like that? Rudy, come on. I know you, I know you deserve better than that."

"I can't believe how well you're taking this," he says, deflecting the subject of his self-worth. And here I thought Mike and I were the ones with all the self-image issues. "I thought you'd try to scratch my eyes out as soon as I said your name."

I roll my eyes just to let him know how ridiculous that is. I don't want to scratch Rudy's eyes out. Now Mike, that's a different story. "I was mad at you for about five minutes," I finally admit. "I guess I'm still kind of mad that you let me make an idiot of myself, but it seems like you're in a worse mess than I am. I kind of feel sorry for you."

He scowls at that and looks down at the table, I can tell I hit a nerve but I'm not going to take it back. It didn't have to happen this way, if they'd been honest with me in the beginning none of this would have happened. I had a right to feel betrayed, didn't I? I mean these guys were supposed to be my friends, they could have told me the truth.

"I'm not as pathetic as you make me sound," he says when he looks back up at me. "The other morning when you walked in...I was there to tell him I couldn't do this anymore. I knew the two of you were going back and forth, it's not like you're the first girl he'd let himself get distracted over. It's one thing for him to sleep with you, but when I found out you were actually dating I told him it was over."

It killed me just to sit there and hold his gaze while I listened to him talk about their relationship like it didn't kill him every time Mike slept with some girl. I know I just called him pathetic a few seconds ago but listening to him talk about Mike sleeping around like it didn't bother him made my stomach turn. "Rudy," I say when I rein in the urge to reach across the table and smack some sense into him, "you know you don't deserve that. You're a great guy, you could find someone else. Someone that would treat you right."

He sighs again and runs his fingers through his hair, and when he looks back up at me he looks older than I've ever seen him look. Rudy's always looked a lot younger than he is, but right now he just looks like he's tired of the whole mess. Can't say I really blame him, either, not if it's been going on as long as I think it has. "Do you remember when 'Glory Days' first came out?" he asks, and I wince at the memory of the town's reaction to Mike's novel.

"Yeah, of course," I tell him. "Not like anybody could really forget."

"Yeah, well, I love my job, Ellie," he says, and his expression's as earnest as it is when he's telling Mike to stay out of police business. "You know how everyone reacted when they thought I was gay, and that was just a dumb book. If people found out it was true my career would be over. I love my job and I love living in Glory. I don't want to leave, even if it means I have to pretend to be the person everyone wants me to be."

"So what...you have a token date with a girl here and there and sleep with Mike when you're both available?" I don't bother pretending I'm not disgusted by that; it's not so much the fact that they're sleeping together that bothers me, it's the way Mike doesn't seem to care how much he's hurting Rudy.

He frowns and looks around again, making sure that nobody's close enough to overhear us before he answers me. "It's not like that. Not really." I know he feels bad enough without me pointing out all the ways that what passes for a relationship in his life sucks, but I can't believe he's sitting there telling me he'd rather spend the rest of his life hiding than give up being Sheriff of a town like this.

I stop just short of telling him I'm sorry, because as bad as I feel for him I can't help thinking that it's partly his fault. "Whatever," I finally say, reaching for my purse and tossing some money on the table to cover my lunch. "It's your life, Rudy."

"Look, I know I don't have the right to ask you this..."

"I won't say anything," I tell him before he has a chance to ask. Maybe Mike played us both and maybe I'll never get over being mad at him for that, but I thought Rudy knew me well enough to know I wouldn't do that to him. It hurts to know that he doesn't trust me as much as I thought he did, but then again I guess he's used to having to look over his shoulder all the time. "We're in the same boat pretty much, aren't we?"

He blinks and I watch realization dawn on him in the same instant as a wave of regret hits him. "I'm sorry, Ellie," he says, and I know him well enough to know he's telling the truth. "I never meant for it to get this far."

"I know," I say, grabbing my purse as I stand up. Not that I really have anywhere to go, but I can't just sit there and watch him be miserable anymore. As I start to walk away he reaches out and grabs my hand, and I stop long enough to look back at him. He gives me a sort of half-smile so I smile back, suddenly wishing that I'd never laid eyes on Mike Dolan. Half an hour ago I wanted to kill him for what he'd done to me, but now I just want to make him pay for all the ways he's hurt his best friend. Maybe I set myself up for it, I knew before I slept with Mike that it would never work out. I have the feeling that Rudy never had a chance, though.