Work Text:
Date: 12-19-05
Warning: This is not beta'd because who has time right now, and it's just a little drabble that seized me; back to cookie-making, bye now! Hope you like it okay; it's an odd one for me.
The Prayer of a Believer
In the middle of what passes for night around here, she awakes, again. For some reason, this time she can't just roll onto her side and go back to sleep, which leaves staring at the underside of the bunk above her blankly. It's annoying.
Sitting up carefully, to avoid rapping her head because of the low clearance, she draws her curtain aside quietly and peeks out. All the curtains are closed, including Lee's. The man rarely sleeps, but when he does, he might as well be in a coma. Whenever he runs out of tylium, or whatever powers that beautiful machine he runs around in as a body, along with the precision works of his clockwork mind, he shuts off as completely as if he were unplugged. She smiles softly, hoping now is one of those times, because he's looked lately like he needs it, and because she's decided now what she needs to do, since she can't sleep herself. From underneath and inside her pillowcase, she removes the cloth that contains her religious icons. She used to keep them in her locker, but it was too noisy to get them sometimes when she needed them; like now, when she awoke, needing to speak to them in privacy...as always, but she was surrounded by other people. She did not share or justify her beliefs with anyone. If no one knew, she wouldn't have to kill someone for mocking one of the few things she had managed to keep in all she had lost these many difficult years: her faith. No one was going to take that from her.
She wanted to pray, but not here...not aloud; someone would overhear. She knew where she would go. Already in her standard tanks and sweatpants that she wore to bed, she slipped on a thick pair of socks she used for slippers and closed her curtain quietly before leaving with her bundle and closing the hatch as softly as possible behind her. She didn't head to the ship's chapel, although she sometimes goes there; it's too bright and tidy for her this time of night. She wants a place that reminds her of the temples and shrines she used to attend as a little girl...small and darkened inside from hundreds of years of incense. She felt secure there, sheltered. Who knew -- if her religious father had been around, she might even have grown to be a priestess. Probably of Artemis, since she was so fond of sport when other girls giggled over boys. Even then, a pre-teen, it seemed to her they were the same: a stag or a man; you chose one and you gave chase and either you caught him or you didn't. Sometimes they chased you and either you let them catch you, eventually, or you didn't. Things were so much simpler then. But her father had left when she was young and her mother had quite simply lost it, immersing herself in self-pity, alcohol and unreasoning rage. She had to sneak infrequent visits to pray, and almost never had an offering to give anyway...So she became a warrior. It was what she had done most of her young life already. Hell, the Colonial military was actually easier than living at home. She had sneered at the tactics used to break people down in Basic Training; after all, what could they really do? Hit her? Please...what a joke!
As she ruminated thus, her feet had carried her automatically to the place she would pray tonight if no one was there already...the hall of remembrance. Candlelit with all the smiling, innocent faces who surely were no more. At first, seeing them had hurt like the bite of broken glass; now they had curled a bit at the edges from the candle and incense smoke, and faded from the touch of fingertips transferring a kiss to their surface. Now they looked more like spirits to her; benign, soothing spirits, who were happy to be visited and not forgotten. On Caprica, she'd often stolen a little food out with her, to sit in a graveyard near her mother's house. If anyone had seen her, they might have thought her a strange child, but the dead were kind company. They listened, they didn't judge and she'd always felt sad somehow, how few were visited regularly and left offerings of fruit or flowers. Why should someone so beloved in life, as so many of these stones read, be avoided afterwards? After awhile, just to be fair, she started taking turns sitting by the ones who never seemed tended and pulling the weeds, just to tidy them up a little. The dead had never frightened her; how the living could just abandon them there did. So she kept them company and they kept her secrets. This hallway was no different. Finding it deserted, she knelt and laid the cloth cradled in her hands gently on the floor and unwrapped her two idols, lying them carefully upon it. Artemis and Aphrodite. Her two mothers, one of Love and the other of the Hunt, who had long since replaced her mortal one, both in her heart and in her life.
"Gods of Kobol, hear my prayer; bless the souls of the dead around me, and those of their relatives still living; strengthen us to continue day upon day, until we are safe at home on Earth or some other suitable planet, but please don't let humanity die. Watch especially over the souls of Lee and William Adama; they are the only family I have left and I love them more than my own life. If you ever must choose, do not spare me only to mourn their loss; it would be kinder to take me instead. Artemis, fleet Goddess of the Hunt and Shadow of the green woods, send your arrow to lead us to Earth, the home of our people, where we may worship you again with the fruits of our hunting. Aphrodite, Goddess of Love in all its forms, be compassionate, bless them I love above all others: William Adama, who is so alone in his burdens, and his son, Lee, who bears too much on his shoulders as well. Allow William to make peace with his son and his life, ease his worries in sleep with fond dreams of his wife, who he shall meet again in perfect understanding someday...but not too soon, I pray. For Lee, I can only wish true love; I had it once and lost his brother through my own flaws and foolishness, but I can never regret loving him as much as I may regret that he died. I wish I could be what Lee needs; I would give anything to be good enough for him, but I can't be - so I will be his best friend until someone loves him the way I wish I could and then I will stand aside to allow him his happiness, because I love him, even if I don't deserve him. I don't wish that he could love me, I don't ask to be his; I ask that he have someone who is more than I could ever be, because he deserves better than me..."
She hears a soft noise, footsteps, and snatches up her idols, scooting the opposite way around a corner. Crouching there, she considers simply taking the long route around back to her rack, but maybe someone on the night rotation has just come to light a candle and go...so she waits, not looking around to see who it is, giving them their privacy
When he speaks, she freezes. *My Gods....it's Lee! He's praying? Something must be wrong!*
She knows she should leave him his privacy and go, but she's too worried now to do so just yet, until she hears what he is so distressed about that he would come here in the middle of the night. Lee NEVER prays, other than for the souls of the fallen, as do they all. A piece of paper rustles as he unfolds it and begins to speak in a hesitant, soft voice that she must strain to hear, pressed close to the wall, just around the corner. But with his first words she is pinned in place, unable to breathe or move.
"Gods of Kobol, hear my prayer; have mercy on your arrogant son. I know I've not been a religious man, but I think I'm starting to understand why she calls on you. She has faith in so little, tries so hard to depend on no one; if she turns to you in her time of need, even when she won't confide in me, there must be a reason for her trust. She is not one to believe in anyone easily; I should know after having failed her many times now - but after everything that has happened she still believes in you. I guess all my life I was waiting for evidence, some sort of concrete proof, but I realize now that I -do- have a reason to believe, a reason to live. I can have faith in you, just because SHE does. I trust her judgment above all others, for surely the battle her very life has been must have tested her beliefs, yet still she will invoke your names. If only she believed in ME so much."
He is speaking of -her- belief and reaching uncertainly for his own; it's beautiful, and she's happy for him that he might allow himself this comfort, in case he should ever lose her or his father. She can't bear the thought of him feeling alone in the Universe with either or both of them gone. Her heart breaks just a little as he offers his faith in her name, because she believes and he believes in her. There is a lump in her throat she swallows painfully; her chest is tight with a sob she is suppressing with all her might so he doesn't hear her. She would not ruin this moment for him for anything. He is right that her faith has been tested; there were times when the Gods were the only thing she had left and even then...she did wonder if they were punishing her sometimes.
Did he just say he wished she would believe in HIM too? Gods! There is no human living or dead that she trusts in more, not even his father. How could he not know that?
Slightly more certain now, his voice is stronger as he continues. "Ares, God of War - protector of land and home and family, god of willing sacrifice, the harvest and all that dies to be reborn another way...guard the safety of my woman. Ensure that none shall harm her, none shall take her from me - for in my very blood I know that she is mine and I am hers. I would lay down my life in her defense; I have sacrificed my blood for her sake. Watch after the daughter of Artemis and Aphrodite, my brave competitor, my equal, my completion. For as surely as she is a woman, she is also a warrior born and I know she brings you pride.
"In battle she is vicious and graceful, delivering honor to her prey because she has swooped to take them. I would surrender to her happily, if that would please her, but she is too much YOUR daughter to accept that from me. What I desire must be won through a hard-fought war that brings me to my knees at times, but I never fail to arise and rejoin the pursuit, for I MUST have her. She is an Amazon, a Fury, a living force of Nature. She is the very essence of Contradiction: Love and War at one time. I accept her challenge and I know I must fight to earn the prize of her love. I will never quit, never truly rest until it is so. I honor you and ask your aid in the battle for her love."
Struck to the heart, she curls around herself. *Lords! He's come to speak to the Gods because he is in love and doesn't know how to proceed!*
Having promised just minutes ago to step aside for his happiness, she hadn't expected their response so quickly, or for it to hurt so terribly much. She wants to die, wishes like Hell she'd never overheard this! Ohhhh...she really SHOULD go now...as soon as she can breathe past the crippling ache in her chest. She tries not to listen anymore, it will only add to the agony and she wants to put off knowing her name as long as possible. She will need some time to brace for Lee to confide in her, so she can be his best friend and do her duty to be happy for him and tell him so.
She sounds like another pilot; so now Kara will have to fight off the feeling of betrayal, not just towards Lee, but one of her other friends, someone she works with. She'll have to resist the urge, by the Gods, to blow her out of the sky. How she will manage to avoid that temptation is beyond her right now... Maybe when he leaves, she'd better pray for the strength she needs from the Gods. She's going to need it more than she ever has, she knows. The hurt is choking the breath out of her right now, to the point that she -can't- get up and get away from this painful truth, though she wants to run until she's lost herself. That's one of the things that suck about being on a Battlestar: there is no horizon to keep running past until you are truly lost. There is nowhere to get away from him, she's trapped. As much as she tries NOT to hear him...his husky voice is drilling into her heart and every word is killing her a little more.
"Apollo, God of light and music and medicine, please look to your mortal son and she whom I love. I know I am not worthy to bear your name as my call-sign; it was chosen for me by tradition, given to me by others without my consent. I would never presume so much, but in respect, I can only do my best to bring honor to it when I can. Cast your light into this world of darkness and warm the heart of the woman who obsesses me. Like Daphne, she eludes me when all I desire is to love her. When I reach out, she slips away, and I fear someday she will be lost to me forever. You know what it is to want beyond reason, to love without hope of return. Take pity on a man who stumbles over his words, incoherent with the depth of the meaning behind them.
"You are the God of language; please give me the words to reach her heart. She is my opposite, yet my twin, like Artemis is yours - the mystery of the moon opposite the fire of bright day. Sometimes I fear that no matter how many times I may pursue her across the sky, day and night shall never meet; she escapes me every time. I ask this not only for myself, but for her. She does not belong only to Artemis...Aphrodite herself had a hand in her creation; she prays to them both. She is a warrior, but she is also a woman - please help me show her that she can be both of them. She has conquered my heart and if she would but see me, always standing near - it would be my dearest wish to lay my soul at her feet."
She wants to be sick, that he could love someone else so much and she never noticed it happening. The words he's speaking are so beautiful; she'd never known he could be so tender, so worshipful. This side of him was not for her, this was for the woman he truly loved; she had brought this out in him. Unable to resist any longer, she has to see his face like this, how he looks in prayer, in love; how he looks without armor just once; something to steal for herself. As much as it hurts that it's for another, she needs to see his soul.
She is painfully careful, but she needn't have worried - he's so focused on the page he holds that he wouldn't see her if she was standing right next to him. Hell, the man never has before, why would he start now? It's bitter to finally acknowledge that: he never really saw her. She never let him; it's her own fault.
*You don't deserve him, Thrace!* she tells herself contemptuously. *Toughen up, woman; he was NEVER yours! You were lucky to even be his friend; at least don't screw THAT up too!*
Her heart softens as she catches sight of his face in the light of the half a dozen or so candles burning in their holders. He looks gilded; his face is golden and perfectly beautiful in this light. He really DOES look like how she has always envisioned Apollo. She wonders when she started believing he was the mortal incarnation of the god...and she can't really pinpoint it. He's just always been that perfect to her. As he continues reading, she marvels at the poetry he has hidden this whole time, and she's a little sad because maybe Zak wasn't the only one who had forced himself to follow their father; Lee could have been a writer and maybe he would have died with everyone else, but have lived happier at least than his life has been. It's a profane waste to use that brilliant mind for war strategy when it speaks so eloquently this way.
"I know it's unusual to call on you together, the Bright One and Grim War, but I ask these things of you both, Apollo and Ares. One way or another, through words or war, she must belong to me. I need her to breathe, to live. By my honor as a Warrior and my word as a gentleman, I swear upon the sacrifice of my blood." He picks up the surprisingly sharp letter opener by his side and pricks his ring finger, leaving a print on the page to seal the oath, for he knows that Ares demands blood as his rightful sacrifice. Rolling the page into a thin tube, he then twists it tightly, reaching forward to light the page on one of the candles and hold it carefully until it burns almost completely to ash, leaving the last bit to burn away in the brass cup that makes the base of one of the candle holders.
He continues, pulling his tank aside. "I write her initial with my blood upon my chest above my beating heart to honor you, Apollo. I will belong only to her if my prayers are heeded. If you give me but a chance, some sign of when to act and how, I swear I will not fail to brave her wrath for a chance to have her love. When she is ready, I shall be waiting here, always watching over her. Eventually, she will turn around and see my love for the first time and realize that it has always been so. Show me how to touch her heart, how to reach her through her fierce armor and I swear, as a lover and a husband, I will do honor to your name.
"Consider my prayer with mercy also, strong Artemis and beautiful Aphrodite, for her sake, because she prays to you both faithfully and trusts in your protection. I know you will consider her greatest good.
"Ares and Apollo guide your son, who wants so much to believe in something greater than this difficult existence. This is the prayer of an unbeliever, I know, so it may perhaps offend you, but I pray you will see it as I intended, a prayer that is more sincere for having been the only one I have made in many years. We all pray to the Lords of Kobol for the souls of the dead or the imperiled, but I ask this of you specifically; a different measure of faith than I have usually shown. I would risk anything for her and you must know I mean every word; I am not one to make promises lightly."
She is awed by the power and sacredness of his oath, an offering of heart's blood to Ares is the gravest sort of sacrifice, the same applies to Apollo, or any of the Gods. She's just glad at this angle, from slightly behind him and to his right, that she cannot see the letter he bears now above his heart. This prayer is a near marriage in itself, lacking only her consent. He can only be deadly earnest to have done such a thing. If she doesn't return his love, Kara may just have to kill the woman for her ingratitude at stealing the heart of this mortal God. He is a warrior and a hero, a knight no one alive can rival in battle. His love is the highest of honors and the only thing worse than seeing it given to someone else would be seeing him suffer its rejection. This woman had better love him back or she swears she'll have to be locked in the brig to keep from avenging his broken heart by ripping out the ungrateful bitch's! He would never forgive her, but it would be worth it.
"She is the mortal Goddess of my heart, the center of my world, my light. She is your orphaned child, your living proof that the Gods exist and they hear us. She has convinced me without intending, because otherwise she couldn't possibly have lived through so much that she has had to endure. Some would say the Gods torment her thus, but even I know better; she is under your protection, you guard her well. Perhaps in that light, you can see how much I love her; that no one would try harder than I to give her happiness. Protect her in this as well; let her find happiness in love, after she has lost so much."
She ducked back around the corner before he might see her and slumped miserably against the wall. Her tears flood from her eyes, dripping in a waterfall of love and pain from her chin as she keeps her hand over her mouth to keep him from hearing her crying. She'd rather die than have him see her like this. Selfishly weeping for what she never deserved, spying on a sacred moment between him and the Gods and the woman who has his heart. She will be his true friend, she swears, just as soon as she goes somewhere to cry until her heart has numbed enough to bear it. She will not fail him this time...oh, Lords! He's going to say her name now, of course; the prayer wouldn't be complete without it. She bites her lips hard, holding her breath for the body blow.
"Her name is Kara, her call-sign is Starbuck...but -I- would call her Beloved. Gods of Kobol, please grant that one day she will let me..."
*WHAT?* Her eyelashes blink quickly in confusion.*He didn't...just say...me? I MUST have been deluding myself!* Unable to stop herself, even though she knew he might see her, she stole another peek just as he stood to light the candle he had brought from another, and placed it in an empty holder. On his chest, soaking through his tanks already...above his heart was her initial, no mistaking it. She slid behind the wall again, trying not to breathe so hard. It couldn't be Kat...he'd said Starbuck, she heard him!
She heard his quiet footsteps recede as he headed back for his rack, and her heart thundered. She was still weeping, but it was with stunned wonderment. Maybe she should pray again, thank the Gods or ask them what to do...but she knew all of a sudden that they understood, and Aphrodite herself must be the voice in her head telling her EXACTLY what to do. There was another way back to the bunkroom from here; it was longer, but deserted. He was walking; if she ran, ran faster than she ever had...she could beat him back, she was certain. She ran like Cerberus was after her!
Oh yes, when he opened his curtain, she would be lying in his bunk. She knew she would already look like she'd been crying, she HAD after all! He would be concerned; she so rarely sought him out for comfort. He would climb in with her just as he'd done for some of her worst nightmares, because he was her friend. He would expect to find his friend waiting for an affectionate hug and a hushed talk to calm her nerves. He would find his lover, just as he'd asked. She would tell him that she loved him -had always, it seemed- and she wanted him. She would lay her heart at his feet and bare her body and her soul for his claiming. The Gods DID listen, else they wouldn't have called her here to witness his confession. She would show her gratitude the most appropriate way, by accepting what she had never thought she deserved, his love. Not for herself, but because whether she deserved it or not, he loved her and she would NEVER break his heart. She would spend the rest of her life willingly, to prove herself worthy, but she would for once run TO him, instead of away. Because he deserved to have her love if he wanted it. She couldn't wait to see his face...
Breathing hard, she opened the hatch, hoping she'd beaten him back - only one way to tell, she pulled aside his curtain...dammit. He rolled over, then sat up quickly. "Starbuck? What's wrong?"
She smiled shakily, shaking her head, laughing softly. "Not a damn thing, Lee. It's just... I love you. I really do love you; I'm IN love with you and I can't not tell you anymore. I'm here if you want me; unconditional surrender, flyboy...you got me. What are you going to do with me?"
His amazement had developed rapidly into an awestruck smile, soft and wondrous to behold. He tugged her hands, drawing her into his arms, easing her down beside him on the bunk. Staring up at him, her heart thundered for once in joyful anticipation. He whispered, "Everything, love, everything..." and he closed the curtain to protect their whispers and sighs, hiding their small paradise from the world outside. The Gods smiled.
END