SquidgeWorld Archive

I've heard stories about people going crazy floating around in space. Travis has told me a few stories about people on cargo ships losing it and taking off at a spaceport or just going on a rampage and ending up locked up back on Earth. Even at the Academy they used to tell us stories about people that couldn't handle the pressures of life out here, but I never thought it would affect me. Not that I'm in serious danger of losing it yet, but it's definitely starting to affect my friendship with Jon.

It's starting to affect everything I do, from the way I challenged T'Pol when I thought she was going to leave him on that planet to the way I reacted when I realized he was attracted to the woman he met down there. The thing is I've known him forever, at least it feels like forever. And over the past eight years he's been with his share of women so I should have accepted by now that he's never gonna want me. I guess I just kept telling myself that he never committed to any of them because he was in denial or he hadn't found what he was looking for yet. Pretty egotistical of me to think I might have the thing he's been missing all this time, but sometimes he just looks at me a certain way and it's hard to convince myself I'm imagining things.

Maybe that's why I felt so guilty when Malcolm showed up at my quarters. It was the first time he'd ever come looking for me, and at first I thought about feeding him some line about it being a bad time. He'd been a good friend to me, though, helped me forget without questioning too much until I pushed him to talk about his own heartache. Turns out that was a big mistake, because I ended up admitting more than I wanted to and now just seeing the mixture of pity and understanding in his eyes makes me never want to see him again. Still, it's not like there's really any avoiding him in such tight quarters and he seems to be the only person on board that really understands where I'm coming from.

So I let him in, he didn't say much but I could tell he wasn't in great shape and maybe this was the only thing that would help. We took it slow, I didn't try to get him to talk about Travis this time because I didn't need any questions about the captain. When it was over he started to get up to leave the same way I always do when we're in his quarters - we've never talked about it or laid any ground rules but we both understood that it was casual. This time, though, I don't know why but I didn't want him to go. Maybe it was just the thought of spending the night alone, I knew I wouldn't get any sleep but at least if Malcolm was there I could listen to him breathing and try to keep my mind off Jon.

He let me pull him back down onto the bed, didn't ask me why when I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in the soft warmth between his neck and chin. He knew what it was, we both did - comfort, not love but close enough to make us both forget for awhile that we weren't getting what we really wanted. His fingers felt right in my hair, and his body felt familiar pressed against me and for awhile it was enough. I just wanted to chase away the images of Jon and some alien woman that turned his head for awhile, just another painful reminder that he'd never be anything more than my best friend. Then again maybe he wasn't even that anymore.

That's what I've been thinking about since Malcolm fell asleep, his back pressed into my chest and his chest rising and falling with each breath. I don't even know how long I've been watching him, wondering if he's dreaming about weapons and munitions inventory or if his dreams take him somewhere no one would ever expect. And I know I'm in serious danger of losing it because I've been lying here wishing I could love him, but even if I did his heart already belongs to somebody else. So there's no winning, I can't have the thing I've been craving all these years and even the person that's come closest to filling the void doesn't really want me.

Sure, we've had some good times together and my affection for him has grown a lot over the past few months but even I know that's not enough. This is the kind of relationship I used to seek out - no strings, just a few sweaty nights together and a cheerful goodbye before anybody starts getting too attached. Malcolm's perfect, really, because he's just like me. Hung up on someone he can't have and looking for a way to hide the pain for awhile. It should make me feel good to be able to give him what he needs, if I can't do it for Jon at least I can do it for someone. Even knowing that doesn't really help me feel any less guilty, though. I still feel like I'm betraying Jon by sleeping with someone else, no matter how much Jon sucks up to T'Pol or how many aliens he makes eyes at.

If we were back in Texas - hell, if we were back at Starfleet this wouldn't be so damn hard. At least there I'd be able to avoid him until I got a handle on the way I feel, and maybe figure out why I'm suddenly wishing I could love someone besides Jon. I've spent the past ten years running from commitment, telling myself and anyone else that would listen that it just doesn't work into the job description. I still believe that, even if I was in love with Malcolm instead of Jon I'd have to worry all the time about him getting killed in a mission. I was scared enough when he and Travis were stuck in that comet and I didn't think we'd be able to save them, if it had been Jon I couldn't save I don't know what I'd have done.

That's why I butted heads with T'Pol when Jon was stuck on that planet, and I'm surprised he hasn't called me into his quarters and read me the riot act over that one. I deserve it, but I know it's our friendship that keeps him from getting too mad at me even when I question a direct order. Guess I should be grateful he still feels at least that much loyalty to me, but I wonder how long it'll last. The whole bridge crew saw me lose it when I thought we were gonna leave him behind, I should have had a better handle on my emotions but it all happened so fast and I knew what he was doing down there. Playing the hero, as usual, but he was playing the part a little too well this time. So yeah, it bugged me that he was willing to sacrifice his own safety for this woman he barely knew, but then again I know I'd have done the same in his shoes.

Yeah, okay, so part of me was more upset than I would have been if he hadn't started pushing me out of his life weeks ago. At the same time I kinda wonder if that's why he hasn't said much to me about challenging T'Pol's orders, though - he hasn't said much of anything at all to me since the day he ordered me to butt out of his command decisions. So maybe he was looking to avoid another fight, or keep me from getting too close to a truth he's not ready to deal with. Maybe he knows how I've felt about him all this time, and he's scared if he keeps pushing me I'll say it out loud and then he won't be able to deny it anymore.

I can feel the tension building in the small of my back and I move as carefully as I can off of Malcolm to try to work it out, but as soon as I pull away from him his eyes are fluttering open and he's turning over to look at me. "Can't sleep?" he asks, his voice thick with sleep but I know he can see right through me anyway.

"'Fraid not," I answer, going for a grin but landing somewhere between wincing and a pathetic frown. "Look, Malcolm, I appreciate you staying but you don't have to."

"Not at all," he says, pushing himself up on his elbow to look at me. The weight of his steady gaze is too much and I look down at the mattress, trying and failing to push down all the emotions I know are written all over my face. "I'm afraid it's been quite some time since I shared a bed with anyone, but I find it's rather comforting."

"Yeah, it is kind of nice," I say, managing a genuine smile this time. He grins back at me and I remember why I chose him to share my bed in the first place - I know he tries to keep it in check but there's a vulnerability behind all that rigid regard for protocol he hides behind, and the contrast on him is almost beautiful. "Thanks, Malcolm."

"You're entirely welcome, Trip," he answers, and I can hear him trying not to laugh at me. "After all, it was I that sought you out this evening."

I smile back at him and reach out to trace the outline of his jaw with my fingers, amazed at how comfortable I feel with him after knowing him for such a short time. I know I come off as the easygoing, laid-back Southerner, everybody's best friend, but it usually takes me a long time to let my guard down around anybody new. Maybe it's knowing he's in the same boat as me that makes it easy with him. "Yeah, I guess you did at that. Something happen with Travis?"

His eyes cloud and then slide closed and I'm instantly sorry I asked, but I don't know how to take it back. "Sorry," I murmur as I keep up the motion of my fingers on his face. "I know better than to ask stupid questions."

When his eyes open they're clear again, though, and he smiles a little sadly as he turns his face into my touch. "It's alright. It's a silly notion anyway, and one I'd do well to give up."

I frown as soon as he says it, I mean I know he's got a point but I feel kinda bad that he sells himself so short. Malcolm's a good man, after all, and he deserves to be happy. If Travis is the one that can give him that then Travis is a pretty lucky guy, whether he ever realizes it or not. Then again I know how far that kind of thinking has gotten me, so I don't say any of that to Malcolm. "Easier said than done, huh?"

"Indeed," he answers, a soft sigh escaping his throat as he reaches up and covers my hand where it's still tracing his hairline. "Anything I can do to help you sleep?"

He leans forward without waiting for an answer and I close my eyes, for once not arguing with the change of subject as I concentrate on what he's doing with his hands and mouth. I focus on the sound of us breathing together as we kiss, then I forget about breathing at all and let my body take over for my brain. It's not going to take away the guilt I'll feel tomorrow when I see Jon again, but it's all either of us has and as long as he's willing I'll take what I can get.