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He's just sitting there, sprawled in a chair in my quarters staring out at space as it rushes past the porthole. And he looks like he belongs here, with Porthos snoring at his feet and his eyes sort of half-closed. We've done this a thousand times before, I can't even count all the time we've spent together without saying a word. All the days and hours in this vessel or that vessel, traveling from one mission to another and never having to say a word because we know each other that well. My best friend, the one person I can tell anything to.

Anything but this, that is.

His last words are still hanging in the air between us, I haven't answered him yet but I know he'll wait as long as he has to. If there's one thing Trip's good at, it's patience. Not all the time, not when he's bored out of his mind from floating around space and he just wants an adventure to fill up the time, but when it counts. He can wait forever when it's something he really wants to know, I've been on the receiving end of his silence enough times to know that. Of all the crew members on board he's the only one that knows why I reacted the way I did to Vanik's superiority complex, and he was the only one that could set me straight when it came down to swallowing my pride in order to save Reed and Mayweather from becoming a permanent part of the comet. I don't know that I would have listened to T'Pol alone. Then again maybe that's what's bothering me.

I'm the captain of the Enterprise, I'm not supposed to let my personal feelings get in the way of the safety of my crew. I don't even have room in my life for personal feelings, I just don't know how to turn them off. That's the one thing they don't teach you at the Academy, maybe they should though. Maybe I should suggest it in my next progress report to Starfleet, I'm sure that would raise a few eyebrows. The thing is it wasn't just Vanik, sure he's an irritating bastard and having the Vulcans babysitting us on a routine mission affected my judgement more than it should have. The rest of it had nothing to do with the Vulcans though, at least not the ones on the Vulcan ship.

Which brings me back to the last words he said: If you don't tell me what's bothering you I can't help you, Johnny. Is it childish of me to get a shiver every time he calls me that? Probably, but what he doesn't know can't hurt me, right? I want to be able to tell him why I nearly cost two crew members their lives, it won't help me feel any less guilty but if I just said it out loud maybe I could stop thinking about it all the time. There's no way I can tell him the truth, though, and if I feed him some line about Vanik and the Human/Vulcan history of animosity he'll see right through it. The only thing he would believe was the truth - that I was so distracted by his sudden closeness to T'Pol that I couldn't even think straight.

I knew it was coming, I saw the signs right away. I was ready for it, at least that's what I told myself. I could live through another one of Trip's affairs, after all when it's over he'll still be my best friend. What I wasn't ready for was for T'Pol to start confiding in him. When he looked me in the eye and said "it's personal" it took everything in me not to lose it. I wanted to smack the earnest expression off his face, or pull rank and order him to tell me. I know it's none of my business, none of his either but somehow.somehow our snooping into her personal mail brought the two of them even closer together.

Even if I told him that it was bugging me to not know what he knows about T'Pol he'd know something was off, because I'm the one that told him to keep it to himself. I was trying to do the right thing, and I know it was the right choice. I just wish it wasn't so hard to sit across a table from the two of them and wonder what's going on when I'm not around.

Then there's this business with Lieutenant Reed - I'm sure he thinks I don't know about that, he knows I saw him coming out of Mr. Reed's quarters but I wasn't sure what was going on until I started hearing some of the rumors. There aren't any secrets on this ship, it's too small and people have too much time on their hands. Well, as it turns out Trip and T'Pol can keep secrets but when it comes to Malcolm he hasn't quite mastered that skill. Or maybe he just doesn't care if the whole ship knows that he's sleeping with the tactical officer. I'd give him a lecture about discretion and getting involved with subordinates if I thought I could keep my own feelings in check.

Not that I have any business getting sanctimonious with him on the subject of getting involved with subordinates. We're not involved, but if he asked again I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to say no this time. I've already lost control with Vanik and put two crew members' lives in danger, I can't afford to make any more mistakes. Maybe the close quarters are starting to get to me, no shore leave and having Trip's love life constantly shoved in my face are a deadly combination. At least back on Earth I could get away from it.from him, if I had to.

Out here there's nowhere to hide, I can ignore the rumors about Malcolm and Trip and pretend they don't matter but there's no getting away from the fact that they're involved. I have to find a way to deal with it, though, or at least get it out of my mind so I can focus on my job. I'm not in serious danger of ruining my career over him yet, but I can't get around the fact that two of my men nearly lost their lives because of my pride. Part of me wants to just tell him, to finally get it out there between us so I won't have to think about it anymore. The rest of me knows better, though - I could scream it over the intercom for the whole ship to hear and I still wouldn't be able to put it out of my mind. I've denied it for so long that I really thought I'd finally found a way to live with it, but as soon as he started getting close to other crew members all those years of building up a wall around my feelings flew right out the window.

When I look up again I realize he's watching me, I don't know how long he's been staring but when I look up and straight into those eyes I'd know anywhere I feel my heart stop. He's still waiting for an answer, and the disappointment in his eyes is killing me. I'd give anything to stop him from looking at me that way, to make him understand why I've been so distracted that it's starting to affect the mission. Then he leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees, and it's all I can do not to pull him out of that chair and show him what's on my mind. "There's nothing you can do to help me," I tell him, my voice so quiet I'm not even sure he can hear me.

He lets out a deep sigh and the disappointed look gets even worse, but now it's mixed with what I'm guessing is regret. "So that's it? You're just gonna shut me out after all the years we've been friends."

I open my mouth to argue with him, but the words won't come. The thing is he's right, I'm shutting him out for my own sanity but it's still shutting him out. I can't tell him why, if I did that would be the final nail in the coffin of our friendship. It was a mistake to ask him to come on this mission with me, but I don't know if I could have done it without him. Maybe the years away from him would have helped me finally get him out of my system, but I'm guessing it would have been just as bad as having him here and knowing what he's doing in his spare time. Finally I brace myself for what I know is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

"Yeah, that's it. You can't back me up this time, Trip. I'm the captain, it's my responsibility." I watch his eyes cloud for a split second and I want to take it back, I've never pulled rank on him once in the entire time we've known each other and I hate doing it now. There's no other way to get him to leave it alone, though, and if he keeps pushing I'm sure I'm going to let something slip.

"I know I'm not as fanatical about regs as you but last time I checked the First Officer's job was to watch the captain's back," he says, his eyes darkening as his temper flares. I knew I'd piss him off if I pulled rank on him, that's why I did it. Every time he tears down a wall I have to put up another one, it's the only way to survive our friendship.

I shake my head and cross my arms over my chest, digging my heels in for the fight. I have to push just as hard as he pushes back or this will never work. He knows what I'm doing, I can see it in his eyes. He's known me long enough to know when I'm just trying to get him to back off, but there's no way he's going to give in without pushing a few buttons first. And there's nobody in this world that knows how to do that quite as well as Trip. "Maybe it's time you went over your regs again, Commander," I say. "Last time I checked the captain's orders were final."

"Are you telling me you're ordering me to butt out?" he asks, finally standing up to face me. His gaze never wavers from mine and I can tell he's furious, but I can't look away. God knows I want to, but if I do he wins and this is a fight I can't afford to lose.

"You heard me," I answer quietly, silently congratulating myself on keeping my voice even.

He lets out a frustrated breath and puts his hands on his hips, finally looking away and giving me a split second of respite from his steady gaze before he swings his head back in my direction. "Christ, Jon, what the hell is going on here? This is me, Trip. Your best friend, remember? You brought me along on this mission because there's nobody in the world that gets you the way I do. We've always got each other's backs, that's the way it is."

He stops talking for a second and just looks at me, some of the anger draining out of his face and giving me the urge to give in to him. Part of me wants to tell him I'm sorry for deliberately using our friendship against him, after all the times I've asked him to trust me what I'm doing is unfair. I can't take it back, though, because if I do it's all over and I might as well resign my commission and go home. When I don't answer him he shakes his head and runs one hand over his face in frustration. "Look, I know you feel bad about that scene with Vanik and what happened with Malcolm and Travis. But I know where you're coming from, remember?"

I wish it were that easy, I wish more than anything that this was just about me hating Vulcans because of what they did to my father. I can't even say the words, though, I can lie to him but he sees right through it every time just like he's doing now. There have been more times than I can count over the years when I wished I could just be like Trip, even just for a little while. If I could just let things roll off and not let myself get so caught up in how I feel I'd be better off, and I'd sure as hell be a better captain. The last thing I want is to lose the confidence of my best friend, but it would be worse to lose the confidence of my entire crew.

"I appreciate you trying to help, Trip," I finally answer, which is probably the most honest thing I've said to him in days. "But I'm asking you to let it go. As my friend."

"As your friend." He lets out a bitter chuckle and shakes his head at me again, and I'm not sure if I'm more relieved that he's finally going to let it go or disappointed that he's not pushing harder for the truth. "I'll always be your friend, Johnny. But it doesn't sound like that's what you're looking for anymore."

Ten seconds later he's gone, he doesn't even glance over his shoulder as he walks out of my quarters. And the jealous part of me instantly wonders if he's going to Lieutenant Reed, or maybe to her. I wonder which one of them will get to take my place as the person he tells everything to when I've finally succeeded in ruining what's left of our friendship. I want to hate T'Pol for choosing him of all the people on board to befriend, and I want to hate Malcolm for sharing his bed. I can't blame either one of them, though, because I know Trip and if I were either of them I wouldn't pass up the opportunity to get as close to him as possible. The problem is that I am that close and even closer, but I can't let myself be part of his life and still be a good captain. Not like this, not when I see him all the time and think about what he's doing when he's off duty and who he's doing it with.

I used to think he could read me like a book, for awhile I thought he might even know how I felt about him. He can't know everything, though, because if he did he wouldn't even have to ask why I nearly let two men die because of my pride. He doesn't know the thoughts that keep me awake at night, wondering whose quarters he's sleeping in. If he did he wouldn't have been sitting in my quarters waiting for me to give him an explanation as to why I'm losing my mind.

I don't know how to keep him in my life without losing everything I ever believed about myself, and I don't know how to tell him what I'm looking for from him. I know what he'd say if I asked him for advice - he'd tell me to just spit it out, get it over with and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe he's right, maybe if I were more like him I'd be able to take his advice and just see what happened. The worst he could do was say no, that he'd always be my friend but he could never love me. And if I thought I could live with that answer I might even give it a try.

END