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"This way please, Mrs May." Andrew ushered the elderly woman into his 'chamber of the mysteries'. "Please make yourself comfortable while I make contact with my spirit guide."
Mrs May looked around the room with mild horror. "It looks like a Baghdad brothel in here!"
"Um." Andrew was a little hurt. He'd decorated it himself, and he thought the eastern influences made a nice mystical touch. "Why don't you sit here?" He gestured to an overstuffed armchair, upholstered in dark red brocade. Well, sort of brocade, it looked nice anyway.
"She's right you know."
Andrew tried not to jump. For some reason Anya never materialised in front of him. When he'd asked her about it, she'd just said 'a girl has to have some secrets'. Andrew didn't press the issue, just in case the process was gross. He'd seen Ghostbusters way too often to want to mess with ectoplasm.
"She's here." Andrew said, settling himself on a cushion in front of Mrs May.
Mrs May blinked. "What?"
"My spirit guide, Anya. She has arrived on the mortal plane."
"Pffft! Spirit guide. I'm a ghost. And this had better not be another lost cat: I passed up a chance to watch people have sex for this."
Andrew winced, then turned and smiled at Mrs May. "She is prepared to hear your question."
"I want to know about my husband, Gerald May. He died in the spring." Mrs May took out a handkerchief and dabbed her eyes.
"Eugh, that's just for effect, she's not upset at all." Anya was leaning over and peering into Mrs May's face. "I can always tell. She was probably glad to see him go. I'm going to need more than just that. It's not computerised up there, you know." Anya was amusing herself by pushing her hand through Andrew's crystal ball.
"How did he die, Mrs May?"
"He was hit by a car on the 3rd of April this year. I just want to know if he's gone to a better place."
Andrew looked pointedly at Anya who got up and shrugged. "Fine, on my way." And she strolled through the door.
"We were married for forty two years, you know."
"That's nice." Andrew patted her hand. He'd got much better at dealing with people since he'd started doing this, and the money was pretty good. And the best thing was that nothing had tried to kill him for three months.
Anya walked back through the door. "Second circle of Hell. It seems Gerry was quite a regular at certain lap-dancing clubs and 'massage' parlours."
"Oh."
"It gets better. Guess who hit him with her car?"
"Oh."
"Is something wrong, dear?" Mr May asked.
"Nope," Andrew squeaked, jerking his hand away. "Um, he's not in heaven, but he's okay."
"He's not a ghost is he?"
"No no, nothing like that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have another appointment in... oh gosh, now. Goodbye Mrs May, glad we could help you." Andrew did all but shove the woman out the room and down the hall to the door.
"But... but..."
"Bye now, Mrs May." Andrew closed the door.
"You forgot to get the money." Anya said, from right behind him.
"Argh! Don't sneak up on me like that!" Andrew scurried into the kitchen to make a sandwich.
Anya followed him. "I can't believe you've been doing this for three months. Why won't you go back to the Watchers? After Caleb's little Watcher flambé, they're desperate for demonology experts, and you have to be one of the few people in the world geeky enough to be able to read all those musty books in strange languages."
"Mr Giles doesn't want me back." Andrew pouted, slapping cheese into his sandwich.
"Yes he does. He's just embarrassed. And I'm not surprised, you still didn't tell me why you..."
"Anya! Can we not talk about it please?" Andrew's cheeks were red.
"Fine, fine, I just wish I'd been there to see you running down the hall naked, that's all. I miss all the good stuff. Did you know there's a three year waiting list to watch Orlando Bloom jerk off in the shower?"
"Really?" Andrew looked curious for a moment, then horrified. "You don't watch me in the shower do you?"
Anya wriggled her hips and panted, "Yes, yes... Xanderrrrrr..."
"Oh God, I want to die." Andrew hid his head in his hands.
"No you don't. You want to call Giles and apologise to him for leaping into his bed wearing nothing but a banana-flavoured condom, then you want to go back and teach the Slayers about demons while Xander oversees the building of the new council headquarters."
"Xander's there?" Andrew peeped out at Anya from between two fingers.
"Uh huh, and he's over me. Would you believe he went on a date last month? With a really inappropriate redhead." Anya looked annoyed. "I'm glad he's not moping about any more, but she was really tacky. If I was a poltergeist I'd have dumped that marinara sauce all over the henna-haired bitch."
"Xander isn't interested in me. He likes girls."
"Pfft! Xander likes everyone. Didn't you ever see him ogling Spike's ass?" Andrew blushed. "No, of course you didn't, you were too busy ogling it yourself. Honestly... men! Don't worry, he likes you. I watch him in the shower too."
Andrew looked down and picked at his sandwich. "Wouldn't you mind? You know... if I tried to get closer to Xander?"
"Better you than some evil bunny-loving Hell-spawn."
"You'd come and see us?" Andrew still wasn't looking up.
Anya paused. "No. I don't think that would be a good idea, do you? Xander can't see me, and can you imagine his reaction to his new lover talking to his dead ex-lover?"
"Um."
"Yeah, 'um'. So... going to call Giles?"
"I guess. Anya, can I ask you a question?" The sandwich was forgotten.
Anya perked up visibly. "Ooh? About what Xander likes? You know, he really is a Viking in the..."
"No, it's about you being a ghost."
Anya looked surprised. "Oh. Okay, shoot"
"Are you here to make men happy? I mean, you tormented them for so long, are you supposed to make up for it before you can move on?"
Anya burst out laughing. "No! I just stuck around because Earth is interesting."
"Oh, that's cool." Andrew smiled. "I'm going to go phone Mr Giles now."
Anya watched Andrew leave, and murmured, "And I wanted to make sure you were okay, ya little twerp."