SquidgeWorld Archive

Chapter Text

For a child of a woman like Naomi, it was surprising that he desired some of the most traditional societal mores like marriage and monogamy. He was just flexible about how he achieved them and with whom he practiced them. For all the accusations against him over the years he had never cheated on a lover. He just practiced serial monogamy. So far no one had been it. The one who he knew he would spend the rest of his life with. As much as he tried to tell himself that he was buying into a Western concept of love and devotion that actually had very little to do with either, he still wanted it. Yearned for it. Wanted it so bad he could feel the ache in front of his spine, in the middle of his gut.

Barely twenty-two years old and he had already traveled the world and seen more than most people saw in a life time. Blair was quite sure that he could have handled almost any situation. His overconfidence, he mused, had been his downfall. Hubris, of the worst sort. Pride that he was mature enough, experienced enough, hell smart enough even, to deal with the curveballs that life was so fond of pitching to him. He looked down at his left hand, cooled by the hard glass and bitter chill of the beer he was clinging to.

The smoke from the cigarette of the guy next to him spread out in waves and wrapped its diseased gray fingers into his hair. The smell would linger for several days, even after repeated washes. On the ring finger of his left hand, the warm metal of a gold wedding band was pressed flush against the deep brown glass as the heat from his hand and the chill of the beer warred for dominance. It was only his first beer of the night, though he didn't think that he would want any more after this one. It hurt too much to get drunk. It hurt too much to stay sober. Fuck, it hurt too much to breathe, but he kept on doing it anyway.

The bartender walked over towards Blair. He was as non-descript as a bartender should be. He was neither too attractive nor ugly, neither too tall nor too short. He was the epitome of bland. He was a blank palette upon which his customers could place the face of their problems. Blair looked up and he could see Jim's face. The strong contours of his jaw, the muscle that flexed when he clenched his teeth, the blue eyes that could fillet him with only a hardened look. The one that said, "I don't love you, Sandburg" as he walked out the door, without ever having opened his mouth.

When existence itself was agony, he knew he had fucked up so bad he didn't know where to start to even find the proverbial tunnel that had light somewhere at the far end of it. Never get involved with a guy who's confused. That was the first lesson of survival for the gay Jewish son of a Free Spirit. There was something to be said for detaching with love, and for being able to leave one place for another and move on without looking back. So much easier to not have regrets, to be able to forget the hurt and live for today with hope of tomorrow. But he wasn't Naomi and he couldn't do it. Fuck Jim Ellison, he thought, and Fuck me for thinking I could deal with it. Fuck....just....Fuck. He drained the beer and left the bottle in front of him as he turned on the stool and exited the bar. Beside the empty bottle was a gold ring that slowly became cool on the bar where it lay discarded.

*** about 6 months earlier***

"I love him and he loves me...Because he told me so! Now all I have to do is wait for him to ask me to marry him. That's the point of the relationship after all; we've been heading for marriage since day one!"

The blonde with the cell phone walked down the bleacher stands towards to the ground, paying no attention to the people around her. She was dressed in a beige cashmere sweater with a pair of black slacks and sensible but stylish black shoes. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a wide barrette that trailed a tapered set of chains and small stones down the confined hair. The antenna of her cell-phone changed colors, slowly fading from blue to red to green and back again, almost like a heartbeat.

"Marta, he told me that he loved me! I just didn't think that he would ever do it. You know how typical he is. He's such a man, and I love that about him but a girl has needs you know? And now he finally told me at dinner last night. My parents approve of him, I mean he plays football which means that Dad loves him, and he's so polite and handsome, so of course Mom does too. Oh, okay, I'll stop talking about it...I love him, he loves me. There done. Promise. Okay, yeah, I'll see you at class tomorrow. Bye."

Carolyn Plummer continued from the ground towards the locker rooms. She walked through the tunnel out of the stadium that lead to the home team's set of locker rooms and waited outside the doors. Five minutes later the doors opened and the now showered and changed players left almost en masse to continue the festivities by partying together. The last one to leave the room was greeted by Carolyn with a fierce hug and a kiss on the lips.

"Congratulations Jim! You guys were amazing out there! Way to win another one for us." She released him from her embrace and as she pulled back she whispered by his ear, "You were so hot in your tight pants and uniform..."

"Caro!"

"Well, what did you expect? You know how much I love you in uniform."

Jim smiled at her and placed her arm on his. "Well, do you want to come to the party tonight?"

"I'd love to but I can't. I've got my final project to work on and I have to study with Marta for the Bio Stats exam on Friday. But you go and have fun. Remember, you're mine so no fooling around!" She chuckled as she said it; the jest was common between them.

"Same to you, no letting Marta convert you to her wily socialist ways. No partying and no distractions." He bent down and kissed her on the lips, cupping her breasts as he did so. She swatted his ass in retaliation and grinned.

"Now now, Mr. Ellison, you know that's not allowed. If we start that neither one of us will get to where we're supposed to be." She kissed him quickly once more and turned around and walked rapidly away, glancing back to blow him a kiss and then hurried off in the direction of her apartment. Jim, grabbed his keys out of his pocket and walked to the parking lot to find his truck. It was his pride and joy. The chassy was of a '69 Ford, blue and white, but the engine was far superior. Jim had practically built the entire thing himself. It was his refuge away from college football, from Carolyn, and from anything else he needed to escape.

He unlocked the door, slid over the vintage vinyl seat and keyed the ignition. The vibrations of the engine were smooth and he could hear the slick swish of the oil over the metal innards. It sounded almost like a contained ocean. The hum of the whirring engine was very soothing and at times Jim was sure he could sit and listen to it for hours, it was his own meditation. But tonight he had the party to get to. He smiled as he drove towards the house where the festivities were this time. Life was almost perfect. Carolyn was amazing and he loved her. She knew it now, though he didn't say it very often. He was being scouted by the pros for after graduation and soon he would have a business degree. Life was lining up perfectly. And with the exception of his odd blackouts, he had everything he wanted.

The party was in full gear by the time he arrived. People were dancing and drinking and shouting and having a general good time. He could hear it when he had turned the block and there was no doubt it was a party. The smell alone not to mention the heat of all the people was almost palpable for him. There was alcohol everywhere but none of the athletes were drinking. Their girlfriends however, were a different story. With few exceptions all the girls looked the same, medium height, longish hair, and stacked. Jim knew that not one of them was a cheerleader, but they might as well have been for the rest of their attributes would have inclined someone to guess that they were. Carolyn however was different. She was getting a degree in forensics and criminal psychology. She was near top of the class and could go almost anywhere she wanted for graduate school.

"Jim!" A very tall man with a body like a tree trunk called to him as a redhead named Cindy clung to the man's limb. The man motioned him over.

"Jimbo. You remember Cindy, we're back together!" He smiled and Jim responded in kind. Max and Cindy were forever fighting and breaking up only to get back together a month later. They loved and hated each other with equal passion and their tempers were legendary.

"Cindy, good to see you again."

"Great game Jim, you guys were awesome as usual. That last pass was something else too. Wasn't sure you'd make it but you pulled through like you always do!"

"Well thanks."

"Listen, Jim," Max said as he grabbed Jim's arm and Cindy left to get another drink, "I want you to meet that guy who helped me with the Anth class. This kid is so smart he'll blow your socks off. I bet he and Carolyn could talk above both our heads for hours." Max led Jim over to a small group of people who were chatting amicably and animatedly enough that they had obviously had some alcohol already. Not too much, but enough to grease the tongue. One guy in particular was gesturing and talking more than anyone else, but it seemed to suit him. Jim could see the long hair on the guy bouncing with every move. Normally hair that long made guys look feminine or somewhat swishy, but on this guy it looked more like Tarzan than Jane. There was a particular scent he had noticed when arriving that got stronger the closer he got to Tarzan. It made him think of freshly tilled soil after a rain. But underneath that was the scent of something spicy, insubstantial in a way that made him desperate for more.

It was to Jim's delight that Max introduced him to Blair Sandburg, owner of the Tarzan hair and blue eyes.

"Jim this is Blair. Blair buddy, this is Jim. I know you're a huge fan so I thought I'd introduce you two." At that moment Cindy returned and whispered in Max's ear. His eyes lost focus momentarily and he began to stutter about leaving before clamping his mouth shut and turning heel. Cindy led him out of the house and Jim was sure Max wouldn't be back that night.

Blair tried, probably too intensely, to be non-chalant about meeting Jim Ellison. To say he was a fan was to put it mildly. He knew Jim's entire record and most of the rest of the team's as well. He had done one of his papers for his upper level theory course on analysis of football from differing Anthropological perspectives. While researching it he had come to find a love of football that his mother would never have approved of. Jim Ellison was the Quarter Back and Captain of the Team. He was also one of the stars of Blair's personal fantasies.

"Jim, it's nice to finally meet you. You guys did great out there tonight. I expect you'll be going all the way with how talented you guys are. That last pass, man was that something else. You just hurled that ball almost all the way to the end zone and then Ramirez caught it and Boom! Touchdown!"

Jim's blue eyes crinkled as he smiled at Blair. "Thanks Chief. But it wasn't all me, the rest of the team has been kickin- butt all season too."

"Yeah that's true. But a team is nothing without its fearless leader and you're the best. You know the whole concept of a team is anthropologically fascinating, especially when applied to modern sports, fictive kinship ties, and imagined communities, like that of college football."

Jim immediately cut of Blair's stream of words by placing his palm over Blair's still moving mouth. It had one unfortunate effect in that the vibrations traveled down Jim's unusually sensitive hand right to his cock. The instant hard-on made Jim's vision temporarily blur and heighten all of his other senses as well. Suddenly he could smell the pheromones that Blair was pumping out and they made him dizzy and warm. Added to the heat that he could feel spreading out from Blair in waves it made him begin to sweat. The scent of Blair was beginning to overpower him. He felt, not quite drunk, but loose and uninhibited.

"Max warned me about you Chief." He grinned to show that he meant no offense. "It's kinda hot in here, maybe we can take this outside."

Blair's eyes went slightly wide and then immediately narrowed. His mouth finally stopped moving and as Jim removed his hand Blair gestured with a hand to let Jim lead the way. Jim placed a hand on the small of Blair's back and guided him through the throngs of people who shouted greetings and congratulations to Jim as he slowly exited the house.

The pressure on his skull from the party immediately lessened as soon as he was outside and the fresh air made for a nice change from the smell of fermented hopps. The usually cold air was somewhat more temperate and neither felt the loss of a jacket. There was a large deck, made of wood, which extended for a small distance past the house. Jim led Blair off of it and into the tree line behind it. Jim could feel that Blair had an idea about what was going to happen and he could see clearly the anticipation and weighing of options as they walked far enough in that they could see the lights of the house, but no one would see them.

"Jim, I..."

He hadn't given Blair the opportunity to even think about the ramifications. He just planted his mouth over Blair's and begged for entrance. Blair immediately returned the kiss but with considerably less enthusiasm. The squishing and sucking sounds their mouths made could be heard for only a short distance but to Jim it sounded incredibly loud. The fog of lust consumed him as he tasted Blair's lips. His body kicked into overdrive demanding that he consume him. He had a furiously unreasonable desire to not just take Blair, but to become one with him, meld their flesh together so that it could never be broken. Blair moaned slightly under his mouth and pressed his hands against Jim's chest.

The feel of the hard muscle under the button down shirt reminded Blair that this was his fantasy come true. This only made what he did next the most difficult thing he'd ever done. As Jim's tongue started to work its way into his mouth, Blair summoned up his courage and a reserve of strength and pushed with his back to the trunk of a tree and forced Jim off of him. Jim obviously let him push him away. He became ramrod straight and had Blair been able to see he would have noticed a clenched jaw. Neither part of his posture was having any effect however on his erection.

"Jim! Listen man, not that this isn't a fantasy come true, because it is. But I don't really know you and contrary to popular campus belief you cannot just get me excited and I'm ready to go! I mean not that there's anything wrong with an overactive sex drive so long as its controlled and not harming you or anyone else. I mean you could have a sexual addiction, but I know I don't because, really I don't do it that often. It doesn't consume my thoughts...But I'm not some quick fuck in a forest. I at least expect to get to know someone before I jump into bed with them. And I'd love to get to know you and then go that far with you. Frankly, let's be honest, that far and so far fucking beyond it. You have no idea. But I refuse, to be used. Besides you're straight or closeted, both of which make you off limits and you're dating Carolyn Plummer! So Jim..."

Jim's ardor had cooled slightly and he immediately started to recriminate himself for jumping into this. He had never really done anything seriously with a guy before and he had never thought of cheating on Carolyn before. He had never wanted to. It was just that there was something about Blair that drove his body nuts. He knew that Blair still had an erection and the sound of Blair's voice, for christsakes, was about to make him come in his pants.

"Blair. Listen I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that, I just, well I couldn't help it. Looking at you, hearing you, smelling you, and hell...touching and tasting you, drive me crazy. The headache I had must have made me crazy. I'm sorry. Please, just let's forget about my stupidity. I'm sorry."

With that he gave in one last time to a desire he had never known he had until twenty minutes ago and kissed Blair softly on the mouth, very briefly. He immediately turned and walked back towards the house leaving a panting Blair holding himself up against a tree.

Jim could hear Blair as he climbed the steps back onto the porch.

"Idiot! The man of your dreams takes you into a fucking forest and wants to have sex with you and you stop him because you want a date first? Christ Sandburg, what are you thinking? You're nuts. You didn't even drink much. No excuse. Snow White didn't tell Prince Charming to buy her a meal and chat before kissing her did she? No. She was no fool. Of course I'm not a desperate princess, no wicked stepmother, and I'll avoid the mention of that damn apple." Even as he was crossing the threshold into the house he could hear Blair's back sliding down the trunk of the tree till he was on the ground. "Idiot."

Jim wasn't sure if the last exclamation was about him or Blair but he trudged back through the party and no longer had any interest in staying. His emotions were everywhere and nowhere. One minute he was burning like the sun with the desire to claim Blair Sandburg when he'd never been interested in guys up to that point. Then he was emotionless as Blair gave him the kiss off. And then he had to kiss those lips one last time. The guilt and fear he had expected hadn't surfaced yet. He just wanted it to disappear. And it did, it was slowly replaced by the pounding in his skull and an itchy feeling on his skin. But as he got into the cab of his truck and drove away he could hear a sound just below the surface. Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-dub.

TBC