SquidgeWorld Archive

Blood And Tears
by Becky

Nick looked at Gil with a great deal of trepidation. He was no idiot. The man was seriously injured, . His medical knowledge wasn't bad. He'd been a cop and a Paramedic long enough before that to know it was bad--really bad. The driver of the truck Grissom had walked in front of had already called 911. Now all he could do was wait.

His eyelids fluttered and opened, Yeah boss I'm here." Nick said moving to his side and gently intercepted the hand Grissom had raised toward his head. He didn't want Grissom to come into contact with his own blood matted hair. It would probably be a bit frightening. It would also quite possibly disturb the wound, and restart the bleeding. Scalp wounds, even superficial ones always bled profusely, and this one was far from superficial. "How are you feeling?" He asked without releasing the hand.

His boss had to pause before he answered. "Cold. Nauseated. Weak."

"I know. You're in shock pretty good." Nick said quietly pushing hair back gently. "I'm sorry Gil, There isn't much I can do here."

Grissom was shivering, and deathly pale. He suppressed a cough and Nick caught the muffled sound. Internal bleeding? Pneumothorax? Bleeding into his chest cavity? Thoughts circled in his mind and none of them were reassuring.

"I'm gonna go grab something to cover you up with and prop your feet on Gris. Stay awake."

He was relieved when one of the bystanders handed him a whole stack of blankets from the back of his van.

When he got back he quickly covered the man with a few of the blankets. When he used a couple of folded blankets to elevate his legs Gil gasped and cried out very softly. Nick cursed to himself as he settled into a crouch facing the prone man. His fingers fell in to the older man's neck instinctively, monitoring the rapid, thready pulse.

"I know you're hurting Grissom but stay with me and we'll get you out of here."

*

By the time the EMTs got through to them Grissom was barely conscious and his breathing was obviously labored.

"We need to get his airway. NOW" The older of the pair of EMTs snapped to his young partner. The woman was maybe 19 years old and looked scared to death. Nick grabbed the intubation kit from her shaking hands and ripped into it with his teeth. At the startled stare he said, "I'm a certified medic"

He knelt at Gil's head and the other, relieved, EMT held Gil's hands lightly down by his sides. Nick leaned over the still conscious Grissom pausing long enough to say quietly. "This is going to hurt. I'm sorry. It will help. Just try to ride it out Gil."

Without breaking eye contact he slid a hand behind the older man's neck and pulled up opening his airway and cautiously introduced the endo-trachel tube. Grissom's eyes went wide with panic and pain but he didn't even attempt to move, too weak and in too much pain to really fight it.

"Got it." Nick announced. "Lets *move*. I'm going with you. Drive kid."

The young woman got the backdoors opened and hopped into the driver's seat. Her partner was bagging Grissom, assisting his labored respiration. Nick wasn't thinking much as he turned Grissom's arm over and inserted 2 IVs and began to run saline to bring up his dropping blood pressure.

When he was finally done and sat back he was met by frightened blue eyes full of pain. "Shhh." He said softly. "We've got you. Just relax."

Grissom frowned at him but was obviously trying not to struggle. When they arrived at the ER they were immediately surrounded by doctors and nurses moving full tilt to try to stabilize the man. Blood began to run in one of the IVs and an arterial line was put into his wrist eliciting a wince from the man on the table. Knowing full well Grissom was in fact conscious and hurting Nick stayed and pointed that out to the ER doctor who blinked and then nodded and ordered Morphine be introduced into the IV.

With that Nick backed away and stayed out of the way, watching. He didn't want to interfere. He was surprised when after only a few moments where the doctors and nurses cut away Grissom's clothing and continued to check him, the doctor lifted his head.

"Stokes!"

"Yes?" He asked pushing away from the wall.

"You're a medic correct?"

"Yes."

"Good. We have to do a chest tube. I can't give him anything else without depressing his breathing further"

Nick winced. Oh god that was gonna hurt. . .

"Hold his hands, make him look at you and talk to him. Let him know what's happening."

Grissom at this point was hooked to a respirator set to assist his efforts. It wasn't breathing *for* him, it was breathing *with* him. He couldn't talk, his eyes were closed, but he was definitely awake. The tension in his body made that abundantly clear.

He moved to the bed where he'd been turned onto his right side and crouched down at eye level surprised when someone pushed a stool on wheels under him. He sat gratefully. He gently unclenched the older man's hands from the blanket and took them in his own. "Griss. . . look at me" he said softly.

His eyes opened slowly and he looked terrified out of his wits. "You've got alot of air in your chest cavity from the impact. It's collapsed your lung. They're going to put a chest tube in to help you. I want you to hold on to me, and look straight at me. I won't lie to you. It's going to hurt--alot. But it will be over in a matter of about 2 minutes, can you do that?"

Grissom had started to shake but nodded slightly. At his slight nod the team jumped back into action. They'd given Nick a few moments to convey the information to his friend.

He twitched slightly as the antiseptic was swabbed over the location but held still enough after that. . .until the doctor caught Nick's eye and nodded slightly just before hitting the tocar with the flat of his palm, driving it through his chest wall. Grissom went utterly rigid and clamped down with bruising force around Nick's wrists. There were tears streaking down his cheeks silently, unable to make any sound around the respirator but the absolute agony and silent scream were all too visible in those murky eyes.

"Shh Shh." Nick muttered. " it's over Gil. . .I know. It's over. Shhh." he brushed the tears off his face gently with his thumbs. "It's over"

"Ok that's got it" The doctor said after he finished setting up the chest tubes equipment. "I want C-Spine, Pelvic, thoracic series and a CT scan. Move people."

Nick settled into the waiting room. He knew no one he could call for Grissom except work, and it was only a matter of minutes that Warrick Sara and Catherine showed up at the hospital.

"How is he?" Sara demanded immediately.

"Surgery" Nick said dully, exhausted. It was evening by now and he'd been up for over 24 hours. It had been a long 12 hours. "He had a lacerated liver and alot of heavy bruising to his spleen. Dunno if that had to come out yet. He has some orthopedic issues surgery for that later We'll just have to wait and see for now."

"Wait and see?" Her voice rose an octave and edged with hysteria. "Wait and see what? If he LIVES? My god. . . Grissom can't die!"

"Sara would you calm down" Warrick interjected quietly. "There are other people here and Gil isn't going to die. . " I hope remained unspoken.

"Catherine why don't' you and Sara go get some coffee while we wait for the doctor"

The blonde woman nodded and stood, Sara glared. "Why do you get to stay? You've been here all night. Go get some coffee and go home and shower."

Nick broke out of his reverie and said quietly but firmly. "I was granted medical power of attorney for Gil. I have to be here if they need consent. They also won't let anyone else know what is going on if I am not here. Don't' pull this power trip shit with me now."

Sara blanched at him but stood and went, trailing the older woman meekly enough--for now.
*

Once they were gone the other man turned to him. "You doing ok Nick?"

"Yeah I guess. I dunno this is all so strange. . . Grissom's always the together one ya know?"

"Yeah man. I know."

"Warrick he *hurt* I mean. . . "Nick shook his head."I don't know what I mean."

He was saved by having to further explain himself by the arrival of the doctor, looking exhausted in surgical scrubs. "He's out of surgery and in recovery. He's fairly stable for now but we'll keep him in recovery until he's off the ventilator. I don't' want to move him far from constant supervision. We did end up removing his spleen. We cleaned up the liver and stopped the bleeding there. Like I told you his pelvis and the rest is going to be another surgery once he's in better shape. "

"Can I see him?"

"Sure. He's pretty wiped out. He's had alot of trauma and alot of surgery. I wouldn't expect him up for a while but it'll do him good to see a friendly face. Especially the way he's been fighting the vent" The doctor said wryly.

"Grissom's a stubborn bastard" Warrick said with a faint smile. "Go on Nick. I'll tell the girls where you are and we'll be back tomorrow."

"Thanks. Good luck with Sara."

"Don't worry about Sara" The black man said seriously, all joking gone. "Go take care of our boss."

------------------------------------------------------

They were greeted by the recovery nurse as soon as they walked through the door. "He's fighting the respirator again Doctor. Do you want me to sedate him?"

"I'd rather not. . ." The doctor seemed hesitant. "Nick. . . Think you can talk him down?"

"I can try" Nick said, already moving toward the bed. Grissom was pale and covered with several bulky blankets that were radiating heat. He looked almost normal, now that he'd been cleaned up except the tubes and wires and respirator.

The respirator on which he was gagging and choking on. IT wasn't on it was just *there* as a safety net.

"Shh. Don't fight it Gil. Breathe." He was speaking quietly directly into the other man's ear. "Slow breaths Gil. In. Out. In. Out."

"Good" The doctor said approvingly as Gil calmed down. "You're good at this."

Nick shrugged at him but kept in with the IN, out, chant. Finally Grissom managed to get his eyelids open and winced at the bright light. Awake the doctor quickly examined him and then without a minimal fuss pulled the tube.

Grissom coughed harshly as it came up and almost immediately began to fall asleep again. "Let him sleep" The doctor said in response to Nick's questioning look. "I got what I needed from him. He needs the rest. He has a long haul ahead of him. Speaking of needing rest" He turned his attention to the man in front of him. "I'm going to give you two choices. You can go home and get some sleep or you can use one of our family rooms and shower and sleep and have something
to eat."

Nick opened his mouth to protest and closed it. "I'll stay here. You'll let me know if anything happens?"

"Absolutely."


He went out and found his co-workers waiting for him and Sara looked. . . . dangerous.

He decided to ignore her. "He's off the vent and asleep again. I'm going to spend the night here in their family suits so they can get in touch with me if something happens"

"But you're not his family!" Sara said half screaming.

"Who is?" Nick snapped back, too exhausted to play games. "You?" Nick snorted.

Sara opened her mouth and to everyone's surprise it was Catherine who jumped in. "Look Sara we know how you feel about Grissom. We all, you included, also know just how uncomfortable you make him because of that. This probably isn't the time or place, but he is *never* going to view you as more than a friend."

"Why do you people get off on trying to cause me pain?" Her voice wasn't loud but so high pitched it was painful.

"No one's trying to hurt you Sara." Still Catherine. "He's gay."

Sara turned gray and literally reeled backwards toward a chair. "And no one told me until now?! Why? Why didn't he tell me?"

"Because we weren't sure how you'd take it and he doesn't like his personal life coming to work with him."

Sara snorted. "That's our Gil. Look I- I need to go. "

"Want a ride?"

"No Thanks Cat. I need some air, I'm going to walk for a bit and grab a cab."

***************************************

He woke to sunlight streaming through the window and an orderly standing by his bed.

"Mister Stokes?"

"Hm. Yeah" he sat up, scrubbing his face with his hands. Damn he was tired. He'd showered last night and eaten a tray the doctor had brought by when they told him they'd moved Grissom to the floor.

"Mister Grissom is awake."

"Good." Nick said sleeping leaving him in a rush. "Where is he?"

"He's on the step-down ward. It's the fourth floor. I can take you there now if you'd like."

"Sure let me just brush my teeth and grab my shoes."

---------

"Morning boss." Nick said quietly walking cautiously into the room.

"Morning." Grissom replied voice harsh and low.

"How ya doing?" Nick sat in a chair by the bed and eyed the man. He was still hooked to the IV and had a pulse ox monitor clipped to a finger, oxygen canula under his nose, the chest tube coming out of his side, and he suspected strongly he had a Foley.

"Eh."

"That good huh?" Nick smiled at the older man. "Never mind. Has Arkady been by to talk to you yet?"

"No

"Ok. Do you know what happened?"

"Yes." A pause. "Mostly" He amended.

"You're obviously going to be here for a while. Do you need me to take care of anything at your place? Get you clothes or . . .?"

Grissom nodded, opened his mouth, turned a greenish gray and gagged slightly. Nick had him on his side and a basin in front of him just in time to keep him from throwing up in his lap. Nick went to the bathroom and got rid of the mess, got a wash cloth and came back.

"Still nauseated?" He asked gently.

Grissom was flushed and had hair stuck to his forehead. "Gil!" he asked more sharply. "Answer me. Are you flushed because you're embarrassed or do you have a better excuse?"

"Embarrassed." Grissom said weakly. "I need you to get some clothes from my place. Toothbrush, my real razor. . . Feed Isis."

"Isis?"

"Cat."

"Sure. Your keys in your pocket?"

"yeah."

"Ok. I'll take care of that this evening when you're asleep."

"Aren't you leaving?"

"Not hardly. You forget my friend. I *am* your friend. I also have power of attorney until further notice."

"Oh."

"You really feel like shit don't you?" Nick said quietly, settling back into the chair after retrieving the keys.

"Yes."

Nick smiled at him a bit "You got beat up pretty good Gris. Give it time."

Grissom snorted as the doctor walked in.

"Ah Mister Grissom. I'm glad to see you awake and lucid."

"Mm. Glad to be lucid."

"You do strike me as a man who is uncomfortable with being incoherent. "Nick smiled at that. What an understatement. "I want you up today and working on breathing and coughing gently with some pillows. Nick can help with that." He looked at Nick who nodded. He knew the routine.

"I want to give you some time to recover. You had some pretty massive internal damage. After you're more stable we'll need to deal with the rest. Until then just breathe and cough and enjoy the drug high."

"Morphine makes me throw up." Grissom said bluntly.

"Okay. That's understandably something you'd like to avoid with your incisions. We'll try giving you some anti-nausea meds and if that doesn't work we'll try some different drugs."

"K."

"He threw up five minutes ago" Nick supplied watching Grissom turn greenish again and the doctor grab Grissom with practiced ease, supporting the incision sites with one arm around his stomach, forearm down, the other bracing his forehead firmly, immobilizing him while he threw up again.

"Right . . . we really need to get this under control." The doctor said. "it's not a real medical issue but I know it's miserable."

He ducked out of the room and came back with a syringe he plugged into the IV port. "This should start working immediately. . ." He said quietly and watched with an almost smug look on his face as the tension drained out of the older man and he sank back into the pillows of the bed, eyes drifting shut.

"Oh that's nice." Nick said with a smile.

"Very satisfying." Arkady agreed. "It's normally used for chemo patients. . . He can get that every 4 hours. He may have some nausea at the end of that time but it won't be as bad as it has been."

"Good. How's he doing?" Nick asked more seriously.

"I'll know more when I have more labs drawn and get those results. There's an awful lot of potential for disaster here still. "At that Nick nodded and gestured for him to elaborate."Liver failure, infection, hemorrhage, cardio-pulmonary affects from the low blood volume he had for so long. Kidney damage for the same reason. I'd say my prognosis at this point is cautiously optimistic."

*

"Cautiously optimistic?" Warrick asked "What the hell does that mean?"

"His blood work this morning was..." Nick held out a hand and see sawed it side to side "so-so. His blood count's still too low, and his liver and kidney values are borderline. Arkaday will redraw in another couple of hours and see which way things are going."

He took the time to run by Grissom's house and feed the black oriental short hair and grab the items that Grissom had requested, picking up a couple of books off his book shelf on his way out as an after thought.

He made it back to the hospital just in time to be met by Arkady and Grissom's nurse. They were conversing intently as he walked up the hall "Hey, What's up?" Nothing good from the look of things.

"We got the lab results back a few minutes ago. I was just changing his treatment protocol and getting ready to talk to Mr. Grissom when he wakes."

"Doesn't sound good."

The doctor sighed. "It's honestly not great but I expected things to get worse before they got better. The good news is that his liver and heart function is improving."

"What's the bad?"

"His kidneys are failing. There was just too much going on. He's diabetic, probably has been for years and it's been out of control for all that time. That alone would give him kidney disease, but the blood loss just made it worse. Much worse" he said gravely

"Can you tell me what that means?"

"Yes, of course, but perhaps we should tell. . ."

"Tell me first. doubt he's up for detailed information, and I can tell him what he needs to know when he's ready."

"Sure." And with that he launched into lecture mode, trying not to talk down to the man, but to still speak simply enough for him to understand. Not for the first time he thanked whoever might be listening that this man had a medical background.

"His kidneys were working at about 20% when he came in, or that's our best guess Right now he'd dropped to 10%. That's end stage renal failure. That doesn't mean end of his life, or that it's terminal, it does however mean his kidney's are functioning at a level below which they can handle their job of filtering the blood. Healthy kidneys clean the blood of excess liquid, minerals and wastes. His can't do that now without help."

"Dialysis?"

"Mm" he said nodding affirmation. "Preferably, eventually, transplant. He's already on the list. Now dialysis. There are two types, hemodialysis and Peritoneal Dialysis or PD. That's the direction we need to go with Grissom, at least for now. Hemodialysis is going to be necessary in addition to the PD, at least for a while."

"I've never heard of it" Stokes said with a slight frown. "the blood filtering thing sure . . but the other" he shook his head.

"It's not as common, but it's very effective. We use a soft catheter to fill the abdominal cavity with a dialysis solution. The walls of the abdomen are covered with a membrane that lets the extra fluid and waste to go from the blood into the solution which contains a sugar, dextrose. Dextrose pulls the waste and fluid into the cavity. Then the liquid is withdrawn and thrown away. The time it takes to drain and fill is 30 to 40 minutes. That's called the exchange time. The time the fluid is in his abdomen is called the dwell time. We'll go for about 6 exchanges a day with a dwell time of 4 hours. Eventually we may get that down to 4 exchanges."

"So around the clock?" The man looked seriously worried and he couldn't blame him but he seemed to be following him well so the doctor continued with a nod.

"It's possible to go without a machine, but for now we'll use a cylinder to fill and drain his abdomen. Automated PD. If he becomes stable enough to return home before he's got a transplant we'll talk about switching to Continuous Ambulatory, or CAPD."

"So how's this catheter get placed? and when does the dialysis start?"

"We'll give him a local anesthetic and make a small incision just below and to one side of his naval and place the catheter. We'll begin partial dialysis immediately and over two weeks go to a full exchange schedule to let scar tissue build up to hold the catheter in place. We'll set him up with his Venus access at the same time. We don't have time to wait for the fistula to develop so we'll just use a catheter. We'll probably use a vein in his groin and set up the Arterivenus Fistula in his arm to connect the vein and artery in his arm. It lets the vein become stronger and larger, better adapted for repeated needle insertion. It's all done under local."

"Doesn't sound like much fun."

"It's not honestly, but if you got him through a chest tube you can get him through this. It's not nearly as bad and you can stay with him. If he goes home we'll worry about teaching you what you need to know for the CAPD."

Nick nodded. He wondered briefly how he'd suddenly gotten so entangled with this man who was his boss.

"Once we're set up he'll have 3 to 5 exchanges over night and one during the morning that's dwell time will last all day. We may do an additional mid-afternoon exchange, we really need to see how he handles it and how much solution he absorbs during the day. "

"Ok, I'm good. What about other problems with the kidney failure?" May as well get all the information possible now.

"Some of the more common conditions caused by kidney failure are fatigue, bone problems, joint problems, itching, and are twitchy, jumpy nervous. They often have insomnia and sleep apnea."

"How long. . . ." He didn't want to ask. He needed to know.

"I can't tell you that. I wish that I could. I need to see how he responds to treatment and we need to watch him for other problems First things first. Let's talk to him, and get this stuff set up."

Nick nodded and they entered the room together to find Grissom upright and pale but glasses on and looking more alert. He also looked strangely vulnerable, though some of the equipment had been taken away. Namely the chest tube and pulse ox monitor. Vulnerable, and Nick realized with a start, scared. He must have seen them talking. They'd been out there for a while.

"I got your stuff Gris and your cat is a *bitch*"

"She's got discriminating taste. You keep feeding her and she'll be your best friend"

"No thanks man, I'm not a cat person." He sat on the edge of the bed wanting to be close. "We got your test results back"

"So I gathered. and?"

Arkady took over. "Were you aware that you are diabetic Mr. Grissom?"

"No."

"You are That combined with the low blood pressure right after the accident has given you significant kidney damage. You were borderline earlier at 20% of function. You've now dropped to 15%."

"Ah." Was all he said for a moment, digesting. "And?" He asked again.

"We're going to get you set up for dialysis today and you should be fine. I've already put you on a transplant list."

Grissom's world turned gray. He hated medical procedures. He hated hospitals. He hated drugs. He'd been strung out and hurting for the past 3 days and he'd gotten through but a chronic condition? Life long medication and dialysis? DIALYSIS?

"Grissom!" Nick's voice brought him back from the edge of the abyss and he looked up at him, knowing he looked lost and hating it.

"It's ok Gil. Its *ok*. Doctor Arkaday explained stuff to me and I can answer your questions I think He's going to go get a nurse and then they're going to but some tubes in so we can start dialysis before you get really sick"

"Tubes? What? Where?" He really really thought he was going to throw up again He tried breathing through his mouth and nausea faded enough for him to listen.

"There will be 3 sites We'll use local anesthetic. Well insert a catheter into your groin first. That's the temporary access for the hemodialysis. Next we're going to connect your artery and vein in your arm so the vein's strong enough to take repeated needle insertion without blowing out To do that we'll use two very small incisions and a catheter The last is the catheter for the Perioneatal Dialysis. We'll cut a quarter inch incision just to the left of your navel. That won't be used for a couple of weeks at all, and then in conjunction with the site on your arm for about another two. Eventually we'll up the time with the Perioneatal Dialysis and drop the other."

Grissom was blinking at them mutely, grayish green and realized he was going to either throw up or faint. Soon. He looked at Nick again instinctively.

"I'm staying Gil."

"Oh. Ok"

"I'll go collect the equipment and be back in a few minutes." he said as he left.

Nick looked at Grissom. "You doing ok boss?"

"Yeah. Sorry. Must be the morphine."

"Uh huh. It's ok to be intimidated by this kind of thing. I sure as hell would be."

Grissom raised an eyebrow wearily, considered denying his emotional response and then shrugged. Nick had been with him thus far, he had to know by now how badly he hated everything connected to doctors, hospitals and medicine. "I don't like needles. Or knives" he
added after a moment.

"I know Griss I know." Nick replied with a surprising amount of compassion. Why it surprised Grissom he didn't know, but it did. Grissom was even more surprised when gentle, warm fingers brushed his cheek. "You'll be ok. Do you remember in the ER when they did the chest tube?"

Grissom groaned. "That is not an experience that is particularly forgettable." Though in honestly he remembered very little. Just slicing pain of being stabbed.

"I was with you then, I'm with you now this isn't going to be as bad. What I said then still goes Hold on to me and it'll be over before you know it."

"If you say so."

The doctor was back with a nurse and an impressive amount of equipment. A daunting amount really ranging from scalpels to large needles and blue tubing, all encased in plastic.

"Ready gentlemen?" He said noting that his patient seemed a bit calmer.

Grissom nodded and Nick just met his eyes for a moment before asking. "Where do you want me?"

"you're fine where you are We'll do the temporary catheter first, and that goes in your upper leg, and then the arm. Save the best for last" He said lightly.

The physician sat on the edge of the bed and pulled gloves on over recently scrubbed hands and the nurse moved the blanket out of the way

"Move your legs apart Grissom." The doctor said and Grissom did as he'd been asked ad jumped slightly and the cold wet on his upper leg, disturbingly close to his testicles. "That's the antiseptic. Slight sting now. Just getting the upper layers numbed. . . " He said talking mostly to himself. Then he grabbed the larger needle and pushed it deeper. Grissom flinched and he found his hands enfolded in large, arm hands and he glanced up to find Nick watching him closely He tried for a smile and almost succeeded as the catheter was threaded. "Ok, one down Now the arm. . "

For some reason his arm was easier It took all of about five minutes and he found that by looking at Nick, the nurse, or anything other than the area the doctor was working he was able to deal, feeling only a bit of tugging and pressure.

"Good." Arkady said catching Nick's attention. Nick nodded at him from his perch on the edge of the narrow hospital bed. The nurse who had been silent, watching and recording the reading from the various monitors pulled Grissom's blanket back up and then his gown up, exposing his lower abdomen.

The same reddish brown betadine solution was swabbed over most of his lower abdomen and Grissom shivered. "You ok?" Nick asked looking down into tired blue eyes. "Yeah Cold" Grissom said "Ok You know this part of the drill by now Gilbert. Bee sting." He warned as he pinched up the skin and inserted the fine needle, numbing the skin. Then he picked up a large needle. "Now I'm going to infiltrate deeper I'll go slowly and inject as I go." He said keeping up the dialogue as he pushed the needle in, slowly depressing the plunger

Nick was aware of the older man's breathing slowly speeding up as it went deeper and knew that it was hurting, but he was doing ok thus far. The only real visible indication the frown line between his eyebrows and that his hand twitched slightly in his.

When the doctor picked up the scalpel Stokes turned his gaze from the flat abdomen and looked down into the face of his boss "Grissom, look at me Come one" he said, holding a hand up to the doctor, asking him, silently, to wait a moment. "Open your eyes Gil." He said softly rubbing a thumb over the bridge of his nose and between his eyes, smoothing out the little line "Look at me. That's it " then he nodded gesturing to the doctor.

When the scalpel sliced through his skin Nick had to lean on his thigh to hold him steady, but didn't break eye contact. He could see pain building as the doctor worked to place the tubing but Grissom didn't make a sound and didn't look away from him. Finally the doctor was finished. "All done" He announced. His patient's eyes promptly closed.

"Did he pass out?" He asked the nurse and Nick. Nick shook his head "No" Grissom answered. "Though I believe I could."

"Not yet" the doctor chided "You need to get cleaned up, and have something to eat."

Grissom looked horrified at the thought and the doctor amended. "After your Zofram."

"Ah well that makes it all better" was his patients sarcastic reply.

10 minutes later Grissom was facing institutional lime jello and 7 with a look reminiscent of a man facing a firing squad. He looked at Nick.

"I don't' suppose you'd flush this down the toilet?"

"Not a chance. You need to eat a bit and get your stomach moving again so they can get a grip on the diabetes thing."

Grissom groaned . again. "I'd forgotten about that. I'm not sure I can handle this Nick." He admitted finally.

"Sure you can. You can handle anything." Nick said with conviction, and a slight smile.

"Hm Diabetes, Kidney failure, and I still have another major surgery in the immediate future to plate my pelvis back together. I'm never going home again" He said it with a self depreciating
smile, but the fear? yes fear, was real.

"Sure you are I'd guess you'll be out in about two weeks. You'll have to come back in for the dialysis, but once they start using the cath in your stomach that'll all happen overnight while you sleep."

"Oh." It was all he could find to say Still his future was rife with needles, blood, pain and medical procedures. And Transplant? Transplant? Anti-rejection drugs? Immuno Suppression? Isolation?

He shook his head slightly. He wasn't sure he wouldn't rather die God knew he had no one who cared about him. His work was his life, and his job was now OVER. Which brought the interesting question. How on earth was he going to PAY for this once his insurance ran out? He let his head fall deeper into the pillows and closed his eyes shutting out his environment and searching, reaching, for the calm, his center the place he went when things got overwhelming.

Reached for and couldn't find.

Nick glanced at his boss and friend with concern when he closed his eyes There was very little change in his expression. Almost none in fact, but over the past couple of days he'd gotten more in tune with the man somehow, on a level he didn't understand. He could *feel* tension creeping into his body and panic starting to build. He wasn't even sure he blamed the man. My god, it would overwhelm anyone.

He reached out , instinctively seeking to comfort the other man, and brushed the backs of his fingers against the other man's face, stroking gently He was surprised when Grissom turned into his hand. He changed position slightly, cupping the other man's jaw in his palm, thumb stroking rhythmically across his cheekbone, just beneath the oxygen tubing, and was gratified to feel some of the tension bleed out of him under the caress.

"Well isn't that a touching scene."

"Shh He's just had a lot of crap dumped on him, keep your voice down" Nick hissed at Sara when she walked in, in front of Greg Warrick and Catherine.

Grissom's eyes opened wearily and the guarded expression came back. He reached for his glassed and slid them on. "Sara" He greeted and then nodded to the rest. "Guys."

"Hey Gil. We came bearing gifts." Catherine said brining a large shopping bag into the room and unloading it. "Thought we'd have diner up here if it's ok with you."

"Fine as long as you don't expect me to eat."

"No problem man." Warrick said with a raised eyebrow. "I remember having my appendix out. I didn't eat for days. I figure you got a week before we get offended."

Grissom chuckled weakly and cocked his head. "Greg? Why are you hiding behind Warrick?"

"Umm. Wasn't sure you'd want me here" he mumbled.

Both of the senior CSIs eyebrows climbed. "Not a problem. Sit. Eat What did you bring me?"

Nick looked at him in surprise. The man was wiped out, nauseated and hurting like hell but he was managing to put on a nice little show. Impressive. And disturbing to think how many times he'd been distressed and they'd blown him off or never known.

They stayed until the nurse threw them out hours later, leaving Grissom with a stack of forensic journals and entomology reports He'd seemed legitimately interested in those, and the blue stuffed bear got a chuckle, but he was actually holding it now, stroking the soft plush absentmindedly with one hand. He was paler than he had been when they were here, and decidedly shaky.

"Gil. You doing alright?"

"Yeah. Just thinking. What's up with Sara?"

"Catherine told her you were gay. She's bitter."

"Catherine told her *what*?!" Grissom sat up and immediately winced as all his stitches pulled and ached, eve through the pain medication. "I'm not."

"Yes you are. No one cares. Well except Sara"

Grissom fell back against his pillows and covered his face with his hands "That's it. I'm dead."

"What? Why? You think someone cares? God Grissom you're damn near Asexual you're so damn discreet. Do what you want, no one gives a damn. I mean hell everyone at the CSU knows I'm bisexual and slightly more inclined to have boyfriends than girlfriends, and you don't see me being ostracized do you?'

Grissom blinked owlishly at him, shock apparent. Nick shrugged "Your sex life is your business man. Honest."

Grissom just sighed ad went back to sleep, refusing to dwell on one more problem, one more stressor and one more factor that he couldn't control.

*

3 months later Grissom was home, and fairly healthy Or as healthy as he was going to be. Nick had come home with him the first time he was released and stayed. They hadn't discussed it and wouldn't. Grissom was afraid if he mentioned it the younger man would realize he'd lost his mind and bolt. For his part Grissom was still sore, unsteady and generally miserable. The diabetes, and the dialysis, and the drugs all combined to lead to a very, very, restricted life. and one he just wasn't used to.

Nick had been at his side through surgeries, medications, physical therapy. He was grateful Very grateful. If he hadn't been he was fairly sure he'd have slit his wrists by this point. Even dealing with insulin injections and checking his blood sugar was a hurdle, and one he had to leap every day. Then there was the dialysis thing and the damn IVS that went with hemodialysis and now on top of it all he had to be hooked to the fucking cylinder overnight for the perioneatal exchanges over night He honest, honestly, thought he was going to loose it.

It was time for him to go to bed and hook the thing up. He knew it. He just couldn't do it.

Nick walked in, took one look at Grissom and immediately reached the same conclusion. The man was at the end of his rope. He was shaking, pale, and eyeing the set up like it was a poisonous snake.

"Hey" he said softly padding into the bedroom with familiarity and comfort he hadn't believed possible to have with this man. "You Ok?"

"Great." Grissom muttered. More clearly he said. "I'm fine. You should go to bed Nick, you had a long day."

"Mm. I'm ok Guys at the lab miss you I think. Eckley's a real pain in the ass"

"That's hardly surprising." He was still eying the dialysis machine with a look of disgust.

"Hey, how was your appointment?" Even going back to work this was the first appointment Nick had missed.

"Ok I guess" Grissom said scooting over to make room for Nick to sit beside him on the edge of the bed. "I've made it to the top of the transplant list and got a new pager."

"That's great Well not great exactly I know how you feel about surgery but "

"Anything Nick, ANYTHING to get rid of the damn dialysis." Grissom said with quiet intensity.

"I know. Come on, get under the cover and I'll hook that thing up for you."

Grissom sighed and shook his head. "I'll do it. I know you know how, but so do I and"

"Shut up and let me help old man, at least the first time"

"Yes master" Grissom said with a slight smile while the machinery was deftly connected and the pumps programmed. When the dialysis solution began to flow Grissom flinched and winced and then shifted uncomfortably. That was *not* pleasant. He now knew why dialysis patients often had insomnia and / or slept all day.

He opened his eyes to find Nick watching him intently. "You ok Gil?"

He nodded, but his hands were fisted on the mattress and he couldn't get his hands to unclench. He just closed his eyes and tried to ignore it, but it was just not ignorable He felt a warm hand sliding up and down his back slowly. "Mm." Grissom said arching back slightly He hated being this weak and needy but hell, at this point Nick had been with him so long and through so much he no longer saw any point in his normal reserve. "Come on, Lie back" Nick said softly, guiding him back against his pillows He reclined slightly and then bolted back upright. "Shh." the arm returned

Grissom shook his head. "Go to bed Nick"

"Nuh-uh. Can't make me." The arm around his back shifted and the hand returned to the gentle stroking He felt himself gradually relaxing and when the infusion stopped 15 minutes later he was dropping off. Nick moved him but left him upright so that his back was against Nick's chest, Nick leaning against the headboard.

He slept precisely until he became aware of the thing draining and woke up with a stifled groan. It felt like his internal organs had been liquefied and were being pulled through the opaque tubing. Nick sat up and leaned forward, moving with exaggerated care to avoid jostling him Nick realized the other man was sweating lightly, and still groggy from medication and sleep. As he came up, Grissom's head dropped back to rest on his shoulder and he lifted a hand to push the sweat darkened hair away from his face, muttering quietly to him. He wasn't quiet awake himself, but shook off the vestiges of sleep when he felt the other man begin to shake convulsively.. "Griss
what's going on?"

Grissom shook his head "Just ex-ex-exchanging fluid"

"Mm." Nick said holding him tighter, rocking slightly. He was greatly relieved to feel Grissom slowly relax, though he could tell from the lingering tension and not quite steady respiration that he was still awake and uncomfortable. He was really surprised that Grissom stayed where he was For all they'd gone through together, he'd kept a certain distance, a line he wouldn't let Nick cross. Until now.

"I am so tired of this."

Nick looked down into his face and pressed a kiss against his temple.. "I know Gil. God. I know."

It was apparently the day all the barriers came down, or maybe Grissom was just too exhausted physically and emotionally to keep the walls up. Nick didn't know. What he did know was that quietly, ungrammatically, tears began to fall. He didn't say anything just tightened his embrace a bit and let him cry. God knew the man had reason.

*

6 months after the beginning of the PD Nick was startled awake by the phone ringing. Who on earth? It was 2 am! Then he remembered and dove for it. It was Las Vegas' major surgical center, and yes, that had a match. He thanked them, shook Grissom awake and they were out the door in less than five minutes.

It wasn't until they were in the surgical waiting room that it hit them both. This was *it*. What they'd been waiting for, hoping for. Fearing. More surgery. Major surgery. Lots of recovery. The end of the hated, hellish, nightmare of dialysis.

Arkady walked in, grinning from ear to ear. Nick raised an eyebrow at him, as did Gil. "You're not supposed to be here." Grissom said flatly.

"I know but I was on call, and thought I'd prep you. The transplant surgeon is already scrubbing. Look at it this way, I'll let Nick come with you."

"Oh joy." Grissom said dryly but appreciated the gesture He and Nick had formed a close relationship in the past year and he'd become more dependant on the young man than he'd like to admit.

There was a flurry of activity when Grissom was prepped for surgery. Sedatives given, IV's started, monitors attached. Then there was a lull, though a short one. Grissom seemed to be asleep and Nick bent down and rushed his lips lightly over the others tasting the faint medicinal bitterness. When a hand came up to the back of his neck and his kiss was sleepily returned he thought he'd die of cardiac arrest.

"Dear God Grissom!" He gasped.

"That good?" He asked, eyes still closed. "I'm flattered."

"Shut up and go to sleep Gil." He said, softening the harsh words with a gentle touch that he continued until they took him to the OR.
*
He called the gang from the waiting room and they came, all of them remembering when this nightmare had started. They ordered pizza. Did a jig-saw puzzle and above all--waited. Finally the doctor came back looking absolutely exhausted.

"He just kept trying to wake up. He's in recovery, off the vent and his pain control is pretty good for the moment. Right now things look good The kidney was pink and producing urine when we closed"

Nick closed his eyes with relief and launched himself at Warrick. "Thank god, Oh thank God."

At this point no one was surprised by the intensity of his reaction. Grissom had consumed his life for the past year. All he wanted was for Grissom to come back. Not necessarily to work, but to him. To have a chance to return to life, a chance to have a life together but dammit he wanted the man to *live* again. Live instead of the grimly determined hanging on, surviving, he'd spent the past 9 months enduring.

"When can I see him?" He asked, voice thick with emotion.

"You can see him now, he's already in the ICU, but he won't be ready for visitors until tomorrow morning,, and then just briefly and one at a time. This is a painful surgery and I am sure you all know that." the surgeon said sternly. The assembled group nodded even Sara agreeing. Finding out Gil was homosexual had been the best thing in the world for her. Letting her move on with her life and enjoy the man for what he was. Her friend.

Nick said good-bye hastily and the others agreed to give Grissom some time , conditional of course. Nick could, and would, call them tomorrow morning and before then if there were complications.

When he left the waiting room Doctor Arkady joined them and the surgeon left. "OK Nick, I know you're fairly used to the drill now. Gilbert's sedated and his main management is excellent at the moment, but he's still very groggy " They stepped into the elevator and the doctor pushed the 3. "You'll need to scrub going in and out of ICU. He'll be down to a regular floor in probably 24 hours, and home in a week if everything goes well."

"That fast? I thought it would be longer . ."

"Nah. Surgery isn't that complicated and they tend to bounce back from it fast Unless there's a problem, and before you ask, I DON'T anticipate complications, a week give or take a day or two. We'll use that time to get his blood sugar really stable again after the surgery and get the anti-rejection drug schedule down. By the time he leaves he won't even have stitches."

When he walked into the room he was surprised. Not by the hustle and busted of ICU but by how . . *GOOD* Grissom looked. He was obviously sleepy but after the surgeries to this point Grissom had come out looking pale and sick. Now he looked . like himself.

"He looks better already. . " Nick said softly. He felt the doctor's hand on his shoulder and glanced up.

"Yeah he does. Probably feels better too. That's one of the reason's they go home so fast. Dialysis just doesn't cut it. He feels better now under the post-op pain and blah than he has in a long time. I have to admit Nick, when Grissom came in here and it became apparent he was going to need long term care I was worried I kept expecting you to bolt, but you've really stuck with him. He's a lucky man."

"I honestly thought I was going to bolt. More than once. It's been intense, but I wouldn't trade a minute. Though of course" He hastened to add, "I'd have preferred none of this happening to begin with."

"Of course." The doctor paused as Grissom's eyes fluttered open. He blinked a couple of times and drifted back off. "He's going to have a hard time waking up."

Nick frowned. "Why? He's normally up and around almost too fast."

"I know. The surgery was a long one and he's tired. He was in shock for a bit post-op. I think he's just tired. He just demonstrated he can wake up and he will when he's ready. Nothing to worry about Nick."

"If you're sure. . ."

"I am. Let him sleep. Go sleep yourself. We'll put a cot in the ICU waiting room someone will wake you up when he comes around"

"If you're sure . . . " he said again

"Positive. I'm going to go grab some sleep myself. I'll see you in the morning."

"Thanks Doctor"

"My pleasure Nick, My pleasure." He walked off with what could only be described as a self satisfied smirk.

Contrary to what he'd told the physician he stayed. He was surprised when he picked up Grissom's hand to find it warm. Grissom's hands were always freezing. Always had been. Something to do with his diabetes maybe? The thought was chased from his mind when the long broad fingers in his twitched slightly and then closed around his squeezing gently.

Grissom's eyes opened and he turned his head toward Nick.

"Morning sunshine." Nick said pushing the limp bangs to one side with his fingers Grissom looked around and raised an eyebrow. "Ok it's 9pm." He relented and was rewarded by the corner of Gil's mouth twitching upward. "How are you feeling?"

"Ok " He said softly. "Thirsty"

"I'll go grab the infamous cup of ice chips." Nick said standing up. He was back in seconds, with a nurse who took her time working Grissom over, checking his incision and urine output and blood sugar and other vitals. She injected dextrose into his IV and checked his blood sugar again, all without more than three words.

Apparently the sugar revived him somewhat because he looked more alert, but not by much. He took up the chair he'd just vacated and handed Grissom the cup. " I told them you wouldn't stay down long." He said with a smile.

"Hm. I strongly dislike sleeping sedated. Weird, too vivid, dreams" he said plopping an ice chip into his mouth and crunching.

"I gotta admit I'm even surprised. You're up and faster than I'd have ever dreamed."

"Feel better." he replied around a mouthful of ice.

"I bet. No more dialysis"

Grissom looked at him as though it hadn't occurred to him, eyes wide and startled looking. Not to mention glassy from all the drugs. "Oh." He pulled the neck of the hospital gown out and peered down. Then he giggled.

"Gil you're scaring me."

"Look Ma, No dialysis."

Ok. Enough. Nick plucked the cup out of his hands and sat it on the nightstand. He then mater of factly lowered the bed the rest of the way, pulled up the blankets, ignoring Grissom's protestations.

"Either lie down and go to sleep or I'm leaving you with Nurse Ratchet."

Grissom looked up at him and suddenly the exhaustion was back. He relaxed and his eyes closed instantly. Hours later Nick went to the restroom and when he got back Grissom was looking at him through sleep fogged eyes. "Don't leave me" he whispered before his eyes shut again. "Never." Nick said quietly and settled back in to wait.
*

When they returned to the house exactly 10 days later after a stop by the pharmacy they were greeted with balloons and streamer and a houseful of people. Grissom startled and stumbled back. Nick just smiled and pushed him in, closing the door behind them.

The party lasted for hours Eventually everyone let themselves out and Nick and Grissom were left alone, eyeing each other warily Suddenly all the gradual changes and progression in their relationship didn't seem quite so comfortable. The dynamics had changed . again. The rules had changed, and neither knew quite what to do with it. Nick had slept with Grissom for months . It had been the only way he could sleep with the dialysis Now Nick didn't know if he was wanted. IF Grissom truly wanted to go that next step, wanted him now that he no longer needed him.

"we should go to bed. Its been a long day."

"Yeah." Nick said but made no move to do so. Grissom stood up and walked to the chair Nick was sitting in and held out a hand. Nick took it but didn't exactly use it to stand. He was not about to hurt the man.

"I'm not china Nick. I won't break. I would however like to sleep. Come to bed."

Nick exhaled with relief and Gil caught it. When Nick moved to walk past him he grabbed him and stopped him, guiding him to turn so they were facing one another. He put a hand on each side of the young man's face and leaned in and kissed him very softly. "I'm sorry if you were under the impression that I kept you around for convenience. I love you . Now." He paused for dramatic effect. "Come. To. Bed."

"You got it boss."

Grissom rolled his eyes and then stopped short. He could go back to work. With a happy sigh and Nick's hand on the small of his back they went to the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

That chapter of his life, that hellacious, miserable chapter of his life, was over. Yet the door that it had opened was worth every minute.

END