Work Text:
Title: "To Feel His Pain"
Author: Wolverine6Claws
Pairing: Logan/Remy
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, Marvel does, so back off !
Dedication: To Lu, as promised. To Ciro and Tiffany for your friendship, love and support.
There are plenty of things one knows for sure when it comes to Wolverine. One, he 'don't take no shit from nobody'. Two, he's one mean sonuvabitch. Three, he certainly doesn't care what other people think of him. And, he does what he wants when he wants and if you didn't like it, well, tough shit.
So when he came stomping through the kitchen, grumbling and slamming doors, as he made a beeline for the garage, the other X-Men who were sitting down for dinner barely gave him a passing notice. And those that did just exchanged a sidelong glance with the person sitting beside them, and shrugged it off as 'another one of Wolverine's temper tantrums'.
As the door leading from the kitchen out to the garage slammed behind the rampaging X-Man, Remy LeBeau stared after him with a concerned look. He turned back toward the table and surveyed his other teammates as they went about their business of finishing their evening meal - completely oblivious to the things LeBeau picked up so easily through his gift of empathy.
The emotions roiling off the Canadian-born X-Man, as he stormed past, nearly knocked the Acadian out of his chair.
Wolverine could 'hide' himself from telepaths, everyone knew that - able to block them from probing his mind or reading his thoughts. Even Cerebro had extreme difficulty locking onto Logan's brainwave signature, due to his ever changing mental states and emotional levels between civility and ferality.
He even hid himself from his friends and teammates by wearing many different types of masks - from wry humor to 'who the hell cares' to downright pissed off - to hide the very fact that he had any emotions at all, besides anger.
Ask anyone. They will tell you. The Wolverine's heart is made of stone. He is unfeeling and uncaring and thinks of no one but himself. He is cruel, and without remorse or pity.
Yeah, well... that wasn't exactly true. In fact, it was so far from the truth it was almost laughable. But, Remy wasn't laughing.
Unfeeling? Without care? Hardly. And Gambit knew it for a fact.
Laughable? Not in the least.
He rose from the table slowly, placing his napkin beside his half empty plate, and made his way from the kitchen toward the garage following the path Logan had taken.
Being an empath gave Remy LeBeau incredible insight into the emotions of those around him. And although he'd never made it his business to teach the rest of the team the finer points of compassion and understanding, Remy always knew instantly whenever one of them was sad or scared... or happy and content. He knew when they were at peace... or when they were in pain.
He also knew, for a fact, that Logan was a man without peace. Without peace... and always in pain. Pain so deep, that even the acknowledgement of it's existence threatened to bring the mighty to his knees. And it was for that very reason that Logan refused to nurse his own pain. In order to ease it he'd have to acknowledge it first. And he couldn't do that.
It made it easier for him not to acknowledge it when everyone else pretended it didn't exist. They didn't try to 'talk' to him or 'analyze' him or drag up old memories that were much better off buried.
Deep down LeBeau was positive that the others were just afraid of Wolverine's repressed -- and often times not so repressed -- rage.
He was not the unfeeling killing machine that everyone was best advised to stay clear of. Logan was a man quite the opposite actually.
He was not a man without feelings or emotions. Oh, quite the contrary. He was an elemental creature. Turbulent and primal.
In fact, every action Logan ever dealt out stemmed from his emotional foundation -- whether it was joy or sorrow... terror or rage... justice or revenge, or... pain and loneliness.
Remy stepped into the garage closing the door quietly behind him. He wasn't trying to sneak up on Logan, he knew that was pretty much impossible to do.
He did hope, however, that if he approached him in a calm and non-aggressive manner then, perhaps, Logan wouldn't get his hackles up in defense or try to push him away.
The light inside the garage had been left on but there was no sign of Wolverine. Remy walked slowly in front of the vehicles housed there, looking between each of them figuring Logan was probably just sulking in private, out of view.
As he came to the far end of the garage he could see Logan's motorcycle was pulled forward toward the door but was left standing unattended.
Logan'd obviously intended to take off again - to try to run, to outrun the pain - but he hadn't yet. Remy had to wonder 'What stop 'im dis taime?'
As Remy looked down the line of parked vehicles - of all makes, models and sizes - it dawned on him that Logan always seemed to leave little signs that told others - if they were paying close enough attention - that he felt alone, separate, and left out.
Little things, like the way his motor was always parked just slightly cockeyed amongst, or 'out-of-line' with, the neat row of garaged vehicles. Or how he sat at the window seat to have his morning coffee and read his paper, instead of joining the rest of the team at the breakfast table.
It was easiest for the team to shrug it off as attributes of Wolverine's loner lifestyle. They never even considered that perhaps he may want to join in, but maybe... maybe he just didn't feel truly welcome. That even after all these years he still felt like an outcast, a misfit. Perhaps Logan really did want to find a place for himself, someplace he could belong, and be accepted... he just never seemed to fit anywhere.
As Remy contemplated these truths, he picked up the fragrant odor of Logan's sweet cigars and moved toward the back door. As he opened the door and stepped out he immediately came face to face with Wolverine, who was leaning against the outside wall smoking his stogey and obviously irritated by the intrusion.
Logan looked at Remy as the door opened, none too happy. He pushed away from the wall and began to walk away.
"Logan? Y' wan' talk, mec?" Remy directed at his back.
"No. If I wanted ta talk, I woulda come lookin' fer ya'." He replied. Remy jogged up a short distance behind him as Logan walked toward the woods.
"Ah lis'en real good, homme." Remy continued. Logan stopped in his tracks and turned toward him menacingly.
"What part o' 'I don' wanna talk' don'cha un'erstand, Cajun?" he growled at LeBeau.
"Oh, Remy un'erstand what y' say, homme, jus' don' believe y', is all." He replied looking the shorter man in the eye. He wasn't at all intimidated by Wolverine's behavior. Remy knew this anger wasn't brought on by rage, but by hurt. Logan narrowed his eyes at him, clenched his jaw and turned to walk away.
Remy grabbed onto Logan's arm and Wolverine spun around ready to strike him. Gambit pulled his hand away and held both out in front of him, palms facing out and fingers spread, letting Wolverine know he meant no harm. But stared at him hard with determination set into his features.
He made it clear to Logan that he wasn't going to give up on him until he talked. Remy reached out with his empathy, letting his own feelings of affection and concern brush against Logan's brain.
He'd never felt such a thing before and Logan drew in a short breath at the strange experience, and his attention was drawn to the other man's emotions inside his head. Remy watched Wolverine's features soften as his face relaxed. The tension in his body receded as he became enveloped in the compassion, and the desire to comfort, that drifted from the Acadian.
Logan swallowed hard as he became aware of the truth behind the emotions. Then he became acutely aware of the fact that the tall, russet-haired, porcelain-skinned beauty was staring at him intently.
Wolverine's eyes shot about and he straightened his back. Inhaling deeply, he tried to compose himself and raise a wall between himself and the Acadian god.
"Jus'... leave me be, Cajun." Logan reiterated, but the request didn't hold the same fire as it did before. Remy'd broken through the Wolverine's protective defenses and he could feel Logan's desire to be comforted, to feel loved and wanted. Even though he couldn't bring himself to say it.
No, that would make him too vulnerable to the other man. It would make him appear weak and wanting, and god-knows the Wolverine is not weak. The Wolverine didn't need anyone, didn't desire comfort or love, and certainly did not show weakness of any kind to others - friend or foe.
But, that was the Wolverine... not Logan. Logan was a man of intense passion and primal desires, Remy knew this. He also knew that Logan was capable of loving so deeply, and so completely, that the man was actually quite terrified of being consumed by those emotions.
"Wha's wrong, mec?" He asked again in a soothing tone as Logan tried to regain his composure. "Talk t' Remy. I a good lis'ener, homme." He offered again.
Logan let his gaze drop toward the ground in thought. With a slight shake of his head he replied softly.
"It's nothin', Gumbo. Jus' leave me be."
"Da name's Remy, chere." He offered in an easy manner and Logan shot a glance at him.
Remy wasn't completely sure if Logan's reaction was due to him offering his name in friendship or the fact that he'd called the Wolverine 'darling'. Before the stocky Canadian could remark though, Remy continued.
"Jus' wan'a help, mon ami." He said, bringing his hand up to rest lightly on Logan's shoulder. Logan glanced sidelong at Remy's hand then met his gaze again just as LeBeau spoke up again. "Y' angry, chere... but Remy t'ink y' hurt mo' den y' let ot'ers see."
"Yeah? An' whaddya think you know 'bout it, Gumbo?" Logan asked trying to sound harsh.
He was trying to save face in front of the other X-Man and Remy understood that. But he'd no reason to 'save face', there was certainly nothing 'dishonorable' about a man acknowledging the emotions that he feels, or even acknowledging that he has any feelings to begin with.
"W'at do Remy know 'bout it, chere?" LeBeau asked thoughtfully and Wolverine nodded, squinting his eyes in challenge.
Remy knew the reason Logan asked the question was to get the focus off of himself and onto LeBeau. And as much as he liked to play games of chance, Remy refused to let the table be turned and threw all his cards on the table. It was time to...what? Call his bluff? Well, that wasn't the right term to use, because Logan wasn't trying to bluff him.
He was using an evasion tactic that would've worked on most anybody. 'Challenge them to understand your feelings' and they'll usually go off on a tangent about how 'you're not the only one who'... type o' thing.
But Remy was an empath, which meant he didn't have to guess about someone else's feelings. He knew. He could feel their hurt and anger and pain as if it were his own. And, because LeBeau was also a high-caliber strategist - a warrior, just as competent as the Wolverine - he recognized the evasive manuever easily. So instead of rattling off his own past experiences with painful emotions, he pointed his high-powered perception at Wolverine's.
"What do I know 'bout it, chere?" Remy asked more seriously this time, and he felt the hesitation come from the other man. Wolverine was wondering if he'd made a mistake by asking the question. 'Oh, oui, mon frere, y' did.' Remy answered in compassionate silence.
"Remy know a few t'ings 'bout y', chere, he never tol' nobody else." He confided to Logan which got the Wolverine's immediate attention. His eyes narrowed in anger, jaw muscles pulsed as he gritted his teeth and drew in a deep breath, holding it, getting ready to pounce.
"I know y' hurt bad mos' o' da time, mi, an' y' 'fraid t' show dat pain t' ot'ers. 'Fraid dey t'ink y' weak if y' show dem y' human like da res' o' us." Remy told him quietly, and Logan's angry _expression faltered slightly in surprise.
"You don' know what yer talkin' 'bout, Cajun." Wolverine replied trying to sound angry, but hearing the truth from the tall, red-headed Southerner seemed to push him off balance.
He turned to walk away toward the boat dock and Remy followed uninvited. He could feel the turmoil of emotions in Wolverine and knew he'd walked away to keep from facing that truth. He didn't want to 'break' in front of a teammate, so he tried to leave LeBeau behind.
But there was no way in hell, Remy was going to let him go off on his own, alone, to deal with his pain. Not this time. Enough was enough. Logan swallowed pain like Jimmy Carter did liver pills. He kept it inside until it festered into something else, and that something else was usually rage.
Wolverine already had enough rage to set the world on fire and bask in it's glow. He didn't need any more. He needed to face his pain, he needed to accept it for what it was... valid, real and human.
As he got to the boat dock Logan glanced over his shoulder at the Acadian and growled.
"Stop followin' me, Gumbo. Leave me alone." He said walking to his favorite thinking spot, a fallen tree at the forest's edge.
Wolverine sat down heavily and plucked a new cigar from his shirt pocket as he flicked the old stub away with his fingers. He set himself down hard, to intimidate the other man, but LeBeau could see he'd already gotten to him.
He'd intended to sit down beside the older man, but knew Logan'd probably just get up and storm away at Remy's intrusive behavior. Instead, LeBeau lowered himself into a crouched position in front of the world-weary warrior and Logan looked at him uncomfortably.
"Whaddya doin', Gumbo?" Logan asked warily around the cigar, sizing up LeBeau from head to toe as he stretched out his left leg and fished a lighter from his jeans pocket.
"Di'nt finish ans'erin' y' q'estion, homme." he replied.
"Was a rhetorical question, Rem. Wasn't meant fer ya' ta answer." Logan remarked around the stogie clamped between his teeth.
"Y' ask what ah know 'bout y' pain, homme..."
"No," Logan said putting a finger in the air, "I asked 'bout yer pain... Rem."
"Di'nt come ou' heah t' talk 'bout my pain, mi. Come t' talk 'bout yah's." LeBeau replied.
"Ain't got no pain, Rem. Ever'thing's jus' fine." Logan replied off-handedly, but refused to make eye contact and LeBeau let out a sigh.
"Dat's de way y' wanna play dis, homme?" Remy asked remorsefully and Logan shot him a look, the flame from his lighter not quite touching the end of the cigar.
"Why y' feel de need t' hide from me, Logan?" Remy asked.
"I ain't hidin' from nobody. Jus' wanna be left alone." He answered, trying to maintain an air of nonchalance.
But Remy knew he'd already gotten to him, dented the emotional armor that Logan wore... knew he could break through Logan's stone barriers if he didn't give up.
"Remy feel y' pain, mi." He told the Canuck honestly and Logan glanced his way again, surprised by the remark. "Ah know y' hurtin'. I know y' pain. Can feel it, chere... laike it's m'own."
"Leave me alone, Rem." Logan told him seriously, removing the cigar from his mouth - his jaw set tight, nostrils flaring in warning. And, Remy knew he was getting close.
"Non, mec. Ain' gonna do dat. Hurt me if y'wan', but ah ain' gone leave." Remy told him straight. Feeling as though he was being cornered, Logan pushed him off balance and stood up to leave, but Remy recovered quickly. Grabbing Logan's wrists, he pulled him back down hard with determination.
Remy gave him a straight, hard stare and Logan looked back at him in complete surprise. No one, and I mean no one, ever treated the Wolverine like that and got away with it. But for some reason he wasn't angry about LeBeau's actions and that alone surprised him.
Logan's brow furrowed, creasing his forehead as he blinked at Remy in confusion. Gambit stared at him hard, letting his empathy reach out to the 'Li'l Loupgarou' and ease his fears. Logan felt the empathic caress and cocked his head in response to it.
Remy loved it when Logan did that - secretly, of course. Somehow the action of tilting his head - like all animals do when confused - softened the Wolverine's image. And it was such a natural reaction that Remy was sure Logan wasn't even aware of doing it.
"Y' been in pain a lon' time, mec." He stated softly as Logan studied his face, trying to read his intentions. It was a habit of his. But he didn't need to... for Remy hid nothing from him tonight.
Logan dropped his gaze and LeBeau gave him a moment to collect himself. Gave him some time to think it out.
"Don't go there, Rem." Logan remarked quietly, his tone serious but no longer angry. Remy waited.
Keeping his chin down, Logan raised only his eyes to meet LeBeau's when he received no rebuttal. He was met with a steady gaze that was easy to read - compassionate, yet determined - and Logan swallowed hard. Remy hoped to be able to gently chisel away Wolverine's emotional barriers, but as he increased his empathic 'rubs' Logan's defenses pushed back. And LeBeau realized he wouldn't be able to do this gently, if at all. He couldn't use a chisel with Logan, he'd need a sledghammer. One chance, one strike. Hard and furious, if he intended to break through the Wolverine's defensive armor.
Suddenly, the Cajun's empathy bombarded Wolverine's defenses and Logan's mind began to reel. He inhaled deeply, trying to fight the onslaught of emotions coming from LeBeau. He couldn't breathe. His body tensed with the terrifying sensation that he was drowning, panic growing quickly inside him.
The Acadian felt Logan's panic flood his empathic senses and he reached out his hands toward the feral, to ease his fears and guide him through.
"I's awraight, Logan." Remy soothed, gently caressing the muscular forearms of his teammate. Wolverine's first reaction was to pull away from the physical contact, but Remy didn't pull him back.
Instead, he moved with the motion, sliding in closer to Logan to maintain the gentle contact without giving the impression of trying to restrain.
Remy concentrated his 'charm' powers, trying to be as gentle as possible, as he eased Logan's pain toward the surface. At the same time, Remy monitored his reactions and let his intense love and compassion for the man blanket Logan's mind.
"I's awraight, mi. Remy heah. Lemme help y', chere." He whispered heavily.
The _expression of fear and defiance on Logan's face broke Remy's heart. Wolverine tried hard to defy LeBeau's influence. But even as Logan tried to push the pain back, Remy gently - but steadily - pulled it from it's hiding places - deep within Logan's psyche.
There were so many emotions coming forward, all at the same time, that Remy found himself nearly overwhelmed by them. He understood why Logan buried them away. They were intense and so varied he could barely keep them in line as they raced forward.
Logan began to gasp loudly and Remy brought his attention back to him. Big blue eyes stared wide in terror over his head - unseeing and unfocused - blind to everything but the pain and terror of the past.
"S'awright, mi, y' not 'lone." LeBeau spoke softly aloud, giving Logan verbal reassurance to compliment the empathic caresses. "Y' safe, chere. Remy heah, i's okay. Y' doin' good...real good."
"No..." Logan panted. He wanted to stop this. His voice seemed to echo out from the depths of his soul. As if he was responding to the people who'd caused him the pain and not LeBeau. And that was okay, Remy knew.
As he continued to draw out all the old pain that Logan'd been repressing, and ignoring for so long, Remy began to tremble as he experienced the other's emotions for himself. They were strong. Stronger than anything he'd ever experienced before.
He couldn't stifle a groan as the intensity of it grew. He'd hoped to poke a hole in the dam Logan'd created. But not realizing the absolute depth of the other man's pain, Remy couldn't control the volume that was now being released. Nor could he maintain a manageable level of the force of it, or its impact on them - an incredible force created by the pent up back pressure.
Both men yelled out simultaneously as they were bombarded with excruciating pain and the dam broke under the immense pressure building up. Remy grit his teeth and had to squeeze his eyes shut, at the same moment Logan jumped to his feet.
Remy tightened his grip on Logan's forearms to keep the man from bolting away as he tried to get himself under control. Logan yelled out, over and over again, as he re-experienced the pain from his past - both physical and emotional. He tried to pull free of LeBeau's grasp, totally unaware of who was restraining him.
He tried to wrest himself free and move away from Remy at the same time, but LeBeau held on tight. He couldn't let Logan free, not like this. Wolverine was lost in the memories of his torturous past and Remy fought to push it all back. It was too much for either of them. He hadn't been prepared for this.
Logan's roars - like thunder in the night - echoed through the forest around them. Remy concentrated his efforts to push back Wolverine's pain and rebuild the blocks that held them at bay. It was slow work considering the magnitude of what they were experiencing.
His concentration faltered as Logan began to drag him across the forest floor. Digging in, like a draft animal pulling an immense weight, those short powerful legs strained against Remy's hold. LeBeau had to lean all of his weight in the opposite direction just to keep Logan from escaping.
When Logan lost his footing in the now churned up soil, almost losing his balance, Remy quickly took the advantage and blindly pulled Wolverine back toward the direction he'd been sitting in moments before.
Logan stumbled backward and fell hard onto the fallen tree as his legs hit the obstacle. In his surprise, he was able to break free of the painful assault long enough for Remy to shove the negative feelings back inside and slam the door on them. Remy gasped with a moan as he felt the weight lifted.
He opened his eyes as he recovered and looked at Logan, who was lying haphazardly against the tree staring at him in silent shock. His eyes were wide and he was panting from the strain, mouth hanging open.
"Logan?" Remy asked shakily, trying to assess Wolverine's condition. "Y'awraight, mec?" His voice was raspy and hoarse and he had to clear his throat repeatedly.
Logan didn't answer, but Remy could feel him trembling violently in his grasp. He moved his hands along Wolverine's arms trying to pull him into a more upright position, but Logan seemed to be frozen in place. Remy slid closer to the downed tree so he was face to face with the traumatized man.
"S'okay, mi, y' safe. Ah sa sawry, chere." Remy offered, then fell quiet, his thoughts drawn to the immensity of what'd just been experienced. Then he looked deep into Logan's eyes. "Di'nt know..."
As he tried to come up with the words, Logan's eyes slowly focused on him, blinking rapidly as he tried to shake off the residual affects of the traumatic experience. He tried to speak, but all Remy heard was an incoherent noise escape from Logan's throat.
"Ah t'ought ah un'erstood y' pain," Remy had to admit, "but ah di'nt." Remy knew now that the pain he'd been picking up from Wolverine through his empathy was just the tip of the iceburg. It was just a drop in the ocean. The pain that seeped out simply because there was no more room for it inside.
The human mind was like a vessel. And like any other vessel, of any given size, it was meant to only hold a certain volume. When that capacity is maxed out, anything more that is added to it only seeps out or spills over the edge. And Remy knew now, that the pain he'd felt from Wolverine was only that which he couldn't keep contained. It was just a drop in the bucket - overfill as it were- which his mind could not keep leaking out.
He needed to get Logan back to the mansion. Let him recover. Remy moved to get to his feet, keeping his grip on Wolverine's arms. He pulled at him gently to guide him to his feet, but stopped when he noticed Logan's chin was trembling.
Logan was close to tears and Remy couldn't remember ever seeing the man cry before. He leaned forward to wrap his arms around the feral's shoulders, to give him a comforting embrace. As he did though, Logan slid from the tree to the ground. Falling to his knees at Remy's feet.
Remy blinked at him for a moment, thinking Wolverine was attempting to resist him, knowing there was no way LeBeau would be able to move his immense weight. Remy let out a sigh as he looked down at the stubborn man at his feet.
As he considered his options, Remy pursed his lips together and glanced around quickly. Then he heard a sound that made his brows knit together curiously. And he looked down at Wolverine in concern.
Logan was covering his face with both hands. And he was fighting to remain upright as his body wracked with uncontrollable sobs.
"Logan?" Remy asked, as he knelt down in front of his teammate. He reached out to rest his hand on Logan's head in an attempt to comfort him. When he made contact, Logan folded.
He curled forward, bringing his forehead to rest in Remy's lap, his hands still covering his face. He'd tried to cry silently before so as not to draw attention to himself - to his weakness. But the physical contact that Remy'd made, and the sense of intense love he'd felt through the Cajun's 'charm' power, overwhelmed the Wolverine.
He allowed his sorrow to escape in front of the younger man. He wanted to be comforted by him and feel his love. He was tired of pain and loneliness. He wanted peace... and the love that was offered. He wanted to give himself over to the beautiful Acadian, and trust him not to exploit his weaknesses or his fears.
Remy sensed these things from Logan through his empathy. The Wolverine was willing to trust in him. The Wolverine trusted no one, not to this degree. And the thought of it made Remy cry. He'd never been trusted like this before, not like this, so completely.
Remy weeped for the other man's pain, and leaned over his curled up form. Resting his head on Logan's back, he brought his arms up and crossed them over the Canadian as if trying to shelter him from the world.
Logan didn't pull away or try to recover his image of 'needing no one'. Instead, he slowly moved his hands from his face and stretched his arms out to wrap them around Remy's waist. He clutched Remy's shirt in his fists tightly as if holding on for dear life.
"S'okay, chere." Remy whispered, trying to remain strong for the man who was putting so much trust in him. It was Remy's strength and purity of love for him that allowed Logan to feel he could let loose. And he did.
So many years of pain and torture and unfathomable loneliness poured out of Wolverine. And Remy held him tightly, letting him feel safe and secure to do so.
"S'awraight, chere, Remy heah. S'okay." He whispered soothingly as he rubbed his hands gently across Logan's back. Turning his head, he pressed his lips against Logan's spine as he tried to hold the man together beneath him. "Ah love y', chere. Love y' sa much." He whispered, knowing Wolverine could hear him. And that was confirmed when Logan's arms tightened frighteningly around him.
Remy's heart soared with the embrace. Logan'd accepted his love. He didn't push him away. The man he'd wanted for so long was willing to accept his affections and put his trust in the former thief. He pulled Logan in tightly against him, holding him close, never wanting to let him go.
There would be plenty of time to help Logan with his pain. But, right now, all Remy wanted to do was let him feel loved and wanted. That was the most important thing right now.
He allowed his hands to move over Logan's back, down his arms, around his hips and thighs. He touched and caressed as much of the man's body as he could. Not in a sexual way, just a 'human contact' way. Perhaps the other would come later, but for now Remy was completely content in this.
As the night drew on, Logan's pain and sorrow was given release in small doses, here and there, under Remy's loving guidance. They held each other close - Logan for the security and Remy in affection and care.
Logan was quiet, except for the occassional sob against Remy's chest. But Remy whispered to him continually throughout the night. Just a short phrase, over and over again, and it was enough. It was more than enough. It was everything.
"Ah love y', Logan. Ah love y' sa much, chere."
End