Work Text:
Rituals
by Blackrose
John sighed; he was getting way too tired of this particular situation.
"Cheer up Sir," the, ever-positive, Ford broke in. "Maybe this will be *the* planet."
John felt confused but before he'd had the chance to clarify the comment Rodney had begun to reply.
"I hate to disappoint you Lieutenant, Major but so far in this galaxy, keeping in mind that we've only been here three months, we have been locked up, against all possible odds by natives with less advanced tactics and weaponry than us, a grand total of twelve times.
"Of which we've been ordered a grand total of *four?* times to participate in a purification ritual consisting of *`dousing ourselves with the water from the sacred spring of the Ancestors'* before they'd let us go." Rodney was obviously quoting and despite himself John fought a threatening smirk.
"Three times we've been ordered to sacrifice food and various trinkets to the Ancients, four times we've just had to shoot out way out, and on one fairly memorable occasion we were asked to participate in a rather bizarre ritual involving mangos and the `sacred sands from the times of the Armageddon.'" Rodney sighed, obviously depressed, "nothing even remotely like *that*."
"What about on the other teams," Ford sounded hopeful.
Rodney snorted, "oh please, you honestly think that anyone would have kept something like that quiet do you? You'd have known about it the second they stepped through the gate."
"Yeah," Ford sounded depressed too, "I guess so. I mean everyone knew when SG1 had..."
"Maybe it's this galaxy." Rodney mused, interrupting "I mean it seems almost impossibly unlikely that it happened to SG1 almost twice a week on average, I mean why else would Jack be so unwilling to leave the team, and it hasn't happened to us at all. The Milky Way Galaxy was really ruled by the Goa'uld wasn't it? I think Daniel Jackson did a paper on it once after his fourth year in the project, something about them valuing pleasure more highly and that influence was able to be seen in the cultures even generations after they had left. Maybe the Ancients just didn't have the same values"
"I suppose..." Ford didn't sound like he considered that to be a very comforting option.
"Erm..." John finally got a word in edgeways, happy to see that while she wasn't saying anything Teyla looked just as confused as he felt. "Would you mind-?"
"Well the Doc has got a point Sir. It used to increase morale and promote team unity, we haven't had anything like it so far this galaxy, people have come to expect a certain standard of mission, if it carries on like this there could be a mutiny!"
"Not to mention that it helps in cementing trade relations," Rodney mused, "I mean is it any wonder we've made hardly any friends in this galaxy?!"
Suddenly Rodney seemed to see the confusion on John's face and he broke off, a shocked _expression on his face.
"Of course," Ford murmured, "you were never stationed on a `gate team at the SGC were you Sir?"
"Neither was I Lieutenant," Rodney reminded.
Ford laughed, "Yeah, but after that thing with Anubis I noticed that you were making fairly frequent trips offworld with SG1 and then gating to Kelowna to er... `cement relations' with the ambassador, what was his name? Something Quinn... I know you got caught with them a few times"
Rodney grinned good-naturedly, "Yes I got caught with them a few time but really the majority of my trips were used to meet with the Kelownan Ambassador who's name is Jonas by the ways. Kelowna's advances involving the naquada and naquadria generators really were quite fascinating." Rodney smiled innocently or at least he attempted to, innocent was not something the scientist could successfully pull off... "I assure you my interests were purely scientific."
Ford laughed again, "Well they might have been scientific but the science was definitely not physics or chemistry that's for sure."
John frowned it almost sounded like they were talking about... but that was ridiculous.
"But seriously," Rodney sounded disbelieving, "you're honestly trying to say that in the week/week-and-a-half you were there you never once checked in the files under-"
He was interrupted as the leader of the natives arrived, fully decked out in animal skins and John found himself agreeing with Rodney's assessment.
How the hell did these people keep capturing them?
---
Elizabeth smiled at them as they came through the gate.
"Major?"
John grinned at her, happy to be able to report a successful mission for once. "We got the treaty."
"That's wonderful."
"Piece of cake, they locked us up and took away our weapons but after that it was just a short ritual and that was it, we're valued trading partners, got escorted to the gate and everything..."
Elizabeth arched an eyebrow, "locked up? Ritual?"
Rodney rolled his eyes, "don't get excited Elizabeth, it was a tea drinking ceremony, that's all. Tea!"
He stormed off presumably towards the infirmary for the pre mission check-up. John could hear him shouting "Tea!" as he walked away.
Ford turned to leave as well, looking equally disgusted but John caught his arm.
"Lieutenant wait a minute, finish this sentence for me. `In the files under...'"
Ford arched an eyebrow at him and the disgruntled look vanished as he grinned, "`Aliens made them do it' Sir."
Fin